Part 20: Everything but the Old Woman's Groceries
Update #19: Everything but the Old Woman's Groceries
Last we parted ways, an old woman whom we've never met had us find the village children who, as children in video games do, got lost and needed our help.
We saved children from a witch, yaaaay!
No, Pip. Not "yay." What? Why?
He hates chilren, Pip. They must remind him too much of himself.
Man, I hope we don't have to go into that creepy forest again...it freaked me out...
If I believed in luck, I'd say you just jinxed us all, Marty.
Urggzob wonders how far he could hit a child... Good man, there's thinking positive.Anyhow, on to quests.
A Furious ghost? That sounds romantic! Or deadly. One of the two, right man? You've got nothing to be worried about, with that club and all. Heh, I guess you're right.
Ghost, hardly. These backwards savages don't even know a wight when they see it. Ooh ooh ooh! I'm gonna talk to him!
Oh man, he's gonna calm the ghost with a song? That's badical! Good gods above. Kruskrak, can you put him in one of those sphere deals that you're so fond of sticking me in? Come on, Mr. Napalm, this is worth a shot.
My frail self-esteem! I'm sure your retardedly boundless optimism will serve you through this 'tragedy'. Well, come on. We're gonna have to find something that was stolen from him if we're gonna keep him calmed down. Can Urggzob crush? Sure, once we get to the forest. Hwaaah, yes! Aww, man...Some walking puts us in the forest deper than we've ever been.
Oh yeah, and up to our balls in spiders.
GAHH! Did sissy half-orc just hit Urggzob with some LIGHTNING? Yeah, sorry. Ha hah, good job! Little half-man is finally growing up! Urggzob is PROUD!And skeletons. GLOWY skeletons.
Tell you ladies what, it's a good thing we came to the HAUNTED FOREST at NIGHT, to maximize the creepiness. I promised myself I wouldn't cry...And the paths
start
to look
the same. Wait, what's this?
Heavens, a dead body. Urggzob, you didn't get here first while we weren't looking did you? No. Sadly. 'Ronius? That skeleton's after your kidneys. What now? Oh, my word. Urggzob, be a good chap and deal with that, will you? HWEAARRHG! This should be what we're after.
This is improbably fortunate, but I've learned to stop questioning what happens to us.
Ugh. I hope NOW we're done with the forests. He gave us things! What'd we get, what'd we get?
Hm. Rather disappointing. Pah. Urggzob would use this sort of thing to chop his vegetables back home. Even with that enchantment? I'd hate to eat bane potatoes for dinner. Urggzob is bane of potatoes, not other way around!
Always with the ego, Napalm. Always, dear.
Make a note, Mr. Fairhair. Hm? Next village we come across, we kill to the last child without asking any questions. That would be barbaric! Urggzob is comfortable with the idea. Hell, I'll settle for this one if that's what it takes. Bloody savages.
Aw man, the elf buddy merchant left! Eh, he wasn't so useful anyhow. I'm sure he'll never spring up again, either.
You know, for a nomadic village, there sure are a lot of disgustingly fat women living here. She can still hear you, Mr. Napalm. She's three feet away. Rubbish. Any rate, I'm here to do her stupid pointless scut work, not make nice to her. We're gonna have to go into the forest again, aren't we? 'fraid so. Sad face.
So, we trek into the forest as far as we've yet gone.
Naturally, subsequent areas are filled with the living dead and repetition.
Why, I bet this would be a nice spot for a picnic! Pip, this place is filled with skeletons, and giant spiders, and other miscellaneous beasties. Sounds like Urggzob's type of tea party!Eventually, we stumble into a clearing.
A clearing full of will 'o wisps. Immune to magic, high AC, and teleportation make these annoying enemies.
COME ON, little sissy lights! Urggzob will CRUSH you! They're beings of pure energy, man! I'm not sure if an axe will work on them! Axe works on everything, little man! Besides, Urggzob has never let common sense slow him down!
True to form, Urggzob manages to blind a will 'o wisp with his axe.
I'm going to let that last sentence settle in for a moment.
...Good? Good.
Well, good job, crew. We've destroyed the horrible mystical whatever-it-was that was haunting this forest for generations, blah blah blah. Bottom line is we aren't a damn step closer to getting out of here, and that makes me livid. Urggzob crushed PURE LIGHT! Joy of joys! I'm glad we're buddies, Urggzob. Urggzob needs a challenge! LET US GO, LITTLE MEN!At the entrance to the forest, we see scads of spirits.
So, uh, what did we just do? We released the countless tens of spirits that were trapped in the forest to their final slumber. Apparently. Aaaand, in typical dead person fashion, they foisted their useless crap off on me.
Five pounds? Man, where's the rest of 'em? That many dead bodies weighs more than five pounds. Ehh, I've been tossing femurs while we go.
Hey, another ghost! Let me sing a song to soothe his-- No.
See everyone? This is why women are savage beasts and they can't be trusted. Hey now!
There, stupid pointless village drama settled. Now let's get the hell out of here.
Never two seconds of rest... Urggzob...crush? Possibly. Let's see what this is about.
They've GOTTA be bad guys! They just don't stop talking! True enough, man.
Oh hey, the villagers are doing our dirty work for us. Ah, yes. Good little savages. Now, shall we...?
Ooh, flowers! Yay! No, Pip, not yay. They were killed and then reanimated, and I think we'll have to deal with them now... Crush? Have at it.
So...Demon-siblings kill them...and then Urggzob crushes them into tiny, useless bits...and now they're fine? I have to learn that one. Urggzob also does not like this village anymore. Glad you agree, old bean. Let's just dump these bones and be off.
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The question remains, of course: Will Napalm make it out of the village proper before he goes crazy and kills them all? Or will a wayward child bump into him, drawing his ire upon all of them? Only time may tell!