Part 3: Legible text edition©!

Resurrecting. Ironman would be way too much of a headache for me, as much as I'd love to bring more goons into the fold. To that end:

Update #2: Legible text edition©!

We left our heroes in the middle of the night after they killed a cave full of horrible little goblins. It makes sense that we pick up in the same place.


Those guards...they're still just staring at their dead co-worker...
It can be hard to lose people close to you, Marty.
I know that. It's been three days since we got here, though.
Maybe they need a song to cheer them up!
Urggzob thinks drinking is more cheerful.
YES, LETS DO.


Good 'ol Salty Dog. A seedier dive we've not been able to find on these docks. Urggzob wastes no time in trying to drink a local out of his good luck charm.

You, uh, already have a good luck charm, Ugg. The cat, remember?
Urggzob loves being lucky. And drinking.



LITTLE MAN cannot drink like Urggzob can drink! Ha ha!
Your mother would be so proud.


What does it do? Creates some cannon fodder for us.

Wolf buddies? Hooray!



Just...just so we're clear: Urggzob, did you just drink the better part of a wild boar?
Urggzob has come to realize that drinking animals is easier than eating them.
I may have just thrown up a bit.


Wasting little more time, the party heads up to town proper to book an inn for the evening.


Look, Napalm. Dogs. Do you want to set them on fire too?
The thought had crossed my mind. But for now we must rest! INNKEEP! Your finest rooms, and post haste!
We've got rooms that I cleaned last week. Those'll do?



...I intend to write a number of scathing letters about your establishment once I'm back to civilization.
Surely my business will flounder due to your disapproval.
As long as we're on the same page.


Going outside in the morning, we see a distressed fellow.


Poor fellow. Sounds like he could use some lumber support.
If I wasn't so sure you had no idea what you just said, I'd kick you in the face.
But I love my face!


Moving on, we finally find a well-stocked outfitter. Naturally, anything decent is far above our budget, but we can at least get some better armor for our fighters.

Note, please, that fully half the party does not wear armor.

Urggzob before...

...and after his new armor.

Urggzob is the pinnacle of fighting fashion!
Just...no, dear.
I bet having armor is nice. You know, for not freezing or getting stabbed.
Can it, pansy. At least you're wearing robes. Take off your sleeves and cut the robe in half, then we'll talk about being cold.


This fellow in the outfitter's clearly does not have the best impression of his boss.

Urggzob should get teeth for his eyes. That way he could bite his foes by blinking at them.


Property laws clearly mean nothing to our party, as they continue to try and break into every house they come across.

I really don't think we should be doing this so much. I mean, I know needs must when the devil drives and all, but--
Does anyone really own anything, though, man?
Thank you, Marty. I was trying to come up with the worst argument possible, but you beat me to the punch.
S'aright.



Honestly. These days even a hobo can afford to look presentable, and rags are never fashionable, even when worn ironically.
Truly! And what manner of derelict dares question ME about manners?
I think he's a mage, Mr. Napalm.
Nonsense! Unless of course he's one of those rare hobo-mancers I've heard so much about!



Wait, he's a traitor? And we uncovered him? Oops.
Really! Here I thought we were just criticizing his fashion faux-pas!
Hoorah! Urggzob has valid reasons to crush hobo-man!


Naturally, the fight begins with Heronius setting everything on fire.

In fairness, I got more goblins than party members this time.
IN FAIRNESS, URGGZOB IS BURNING AND CRUSHING BOTH AT ONCE!
I really should just get fire-retardant clothes, shouldn't I?
There needs to be a word for crushing and burning!
Burcrushning?
Very good, words man!


The hobo-mancer counters with a sleep spell, downing half of our party. This would be a recurring theme through the battle.

Clobberella? Where are you going?
I WAS going to sneak around him, but you cocked that idea right up!
Oh. I, uh...sorry.


Moments later, the smoke clears. After sixteen hours' rest and healing, the party reflects on what has been their greatest challenge since the cat incident.

Pip, what are you doing?
Writing in my "special thoughts" journal. See? "Dear diary: today I helped kill a hobo. Not sure how to feel about that."
This won't end up in one of your horrible poems, will it?
Good idea!
Dammit, woman!


Battle booty included a scroll of Magic Missle, which Kruskrak promptly copies to his spellbook...


Missles make me nervous...


...and the hobo's horrible rags. Enchanted rags, sure, but rags no less.


Enchantments be damned! Heronius Napalm V, esq., does NOT wear rags!
I'll take them, then. I've got no dignity to speak of anyway...
Oh, go cry, pansy.

We also find something...horrible inside.


...Urggzob needs to drink until he forgets his name.


Once we were...collected, we made our way to the guy we've been trying to talk to since we arrived.


He wastes no time in wasting our time talking about what we already know.


Did he just say the goblins were well-armed and well-organized?
Like hell they are. They're running around willy-nilly waving glorified sticks at us.
Well...they were, at least.
The cats, though. They were a force of abject terror.



Urggzob did not get on a boat so he could stand on a wall! Urggzob got on a boat so he could mash, maim, and destroy!
Does seem like a bit of an anti-climax, doesn't it? "Thanks for saving our town, now stand here?"
Better work will be found for us soon or there WILL be words.


On our way to the palisades, Heronius swindles a gnome out of a potion.

That certainly wasn't very nice.
What? You saw him. Clearly crazy. Likely to hurt innocent standers-by unless I take his potions, or something like that.
No, you're just an ass.



Agh! A child! A horrid, filthy child!
Urggzob is confused.
To arms, comrades! WE SHALL RID THIS PALISADE OF THE BLIGHT THAT HAS DESCENDED UPON IT!
Should we stop him? We should stop him.
Really. The last thing I need is all these nancy-boy guards trying to stab me because our sorcerer is an asshole.
This time, child! Count your stars!


To let off tension, Heronius proceeds to dupe a guard out of his brand new shield.


Do you ever stop being an asshole?
Weekends, sometimes. Wait a moment...I feel...somehow...

...stronger! Truly mine is a genius that cannot help but multiply upon itself!
Does anyone know what just happened?
Urggzob is still confused.


It is worth saying that I love this dialogue.

Urggzob told you little girls it was good luck!
Still ew. As long as I never have to touch it, I guess...


On the southern end of camp we find a...crazy man. Who borrows our hammer.


We had a hammer?
Urggzob loves hammers. Wait...Urggzob feels...so strange...

...so...STRONG! Wraaaargh! Crazy man has inspired Urggzob to crazy strength!
I know how you feel! This man is just so...delightfully inspiring!
I suppose I have motivation to do well in life, so I don't end up like this guy. That's something.
No no, you all have it wrong. This man is clearly one with his, uh...something or another, and we could all do to learn from him.
You idiots are REALLY testing my patience. I've needed practice at that.


All inexplicably stronger, our party reports for duty.


At least we get a good health insurance plan!
I'm concerned about retirment benefits, personally.



This is absurd. We are here to save this savage little hamlet, not play gofer for some self-important militiaman!
Just gotta climb that ladder, man.

And so, we leave our heroes once again. Before we close, though: Status updates!



I'm insulted, frankly. Chromatic Orb is not my favorite spell, flat-out. Someone will hear of this outrage!



Urggzob is the crushiest!
So...you've killed as many beasties as the five of us combined, and yet the most dangerous one of them was a cat?
You were there. You saw those cats.
I'm just concerned about your spiritual well-being, Urggzob. I mean, 666 experience...?



It's worth noting that my Fists aren't my strict favorites. I'm also fond of feet and elbows.
And your simply smashing personality.
Before I die I will castrate you.



I killed the hobo. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Little man stole Urggzob's kill!
You were asleep.



I'm, uh, still here. That's a status update, yeah?
Do you try to be pathetic, or does it come naturally?



Pip...I've been meaning to ask.
Yeah?
What's with the mace? I don't even know if you could lift something like that, no offense.
Oh, that old thing. It was a prop so I could look tougher when they were taking my portrait.
It will take more than that, little man.


Closing bonus: