Part 32: Bizarre pocket dimensions and the guardians who guard them

AGGGHGHGHGHHGHHG. Got most of the way through the update, and then it all got fucking erased. Egh.

Update#31: Bizarre pocket dimensions and the guardians who guard them



Bit of a scrap, that. Shall we?
I'm kind of going to miss those robes. They were comfy.
Urggzob would prefer it if they were made of metal. Heavy metal. Heavy metal that stopped swords.
Sooo...armor?
No, that has already been invented. Urggzob will make a fortune with the heavy metal swordproof robe.
Generations of spellcasters will love you for that.
I really think we should rest before we head out. Get our spells back, make a plan, all that.



Perhaps not so much.
While it is annoying to be almost completely out of spells for the day, I can still dispatch foes with my stunning good looks and my steady sling arm.
I can cast protection from arrows a few times.
You're not even trying to hide being useless right now, are you?
Quite the contrary. The odds of us being attacked by millions of angry sentient arrows aren't really too bad, considering some of the things that have happened to us thus far.
Urggzob will CRUSH millions of arrows, then!
I think he's kidding, dear.
Pah. If Urggzob cannot fight millions of arrows, he will, uh...
Become easily distracted and crush whatever we point you at?
That works.


The snakemen guarding this altar room put up little fight, especially compared to what we just endured.

Hm.
What now, Marty? Are you about to inexplicably become more unnerving?
No, I just think the altar's got some...interesting items on it.



Hearts? Ew eeeeew.
Come now, Pip. They can't be THAT disgusting. Everyone here has a heart, after all.
Except for Napalm.
Good point.
Har. Anyway, are you taking them with you? I know what filthy kleptomaniacs you can all be.
We should leave these here.
Well, uh, okay then. Off, then?
Ooh ohh! Let's go to the treasure vault!




Yaaaay! Treasure!
Here, I'll go ahead and get that lock...



So the locking mechanism itself makes no damn sense, but at least the combination we got works just fine.
What's inside what's inside? I wanna see the treeeeaaaaasure!



...this is the worst treasure ever.
Is good treasure for Urggzob! A boon of crushables!
Truly the gods have blessed the simpletons. All things amuse them.
I suppose I'm wild and crazy when I suggest that these baddies may just be GUARDING the treasure?
Come now, Kruskrak. You know that making sense is an ill-advised action in this group. Or on this adventure.



Crushing completed. Little girls can go collect their toys now.



Hm, interesting. Marty, do you want another morning star?
My poorly defined muscles have enough trouble keeping me standing upright unassisted. The last thing I need is another weapon weighing me down.
Gotcha, into the bag of holding with it. Next!



Can anyone here actually use a bastard sword?
Nope!
Noodly arms.
I really hope I don't have to answer that question for you.
Wait, what did you just call me?
Tiny swords are for tiny useless men!
Ooookay, then. Bag of holding. Next!



Pip, you're the only one here who really uses light armor. Interested?
I dunno...the romantic part of me really wants to be charmed someday.
I have a few things I need to explain to you here one of these days. Next!



Useful, I suppose, if we ever want to try a tactical approach.
Hah. You made a funny.
Psh. I'm holding onto it. Anything else...?
Just this scroll, and a few other boring weapons.



I, uh...well, you all know how I feel about necromancy, so I think we'll just toss this--
No, Kruskrak. We may need you to know this later on.
I...fine.



I just hope I don't have to finger anyone anytime soon...spells like this just make me sick.
...
What? You know I don't like necromancy.
You know what? Nevermind.

We take off.


Hey, a lever! Someone go pull it!
Why not you?
I might break a nail. Besides, there could be a horrible trap of instant doom death.
Good point. Clobberella, you take care of it.
Seething, barely contained fury, Napalm.



That's it? Zombies?
Urggzob...crush?
No, these look like friendly zombies, if that makes any sense.
Heartless dead. I believe they're after their hearts.
They can help themselves, then. What's that in the corner, though?



Hm. May fit into that unusual circle of pillars topside.
We've certainly got no other leads right now. Shall we?

Astonishingly, we get into a fight on the way to the exit. How unexpected!


Surprise, cultists! Urggzob was hiding in robes the whole time, and now you are in for a crushing!
I'm not sure they appreciate the subtlties of our attack, Urggzob.



What...what is this? Urggzob has found something glorious!



ANOTHER dead cat? By the gods, man.
Urggzob has three times the good luck, now!
I've said it before and I'll say it again, but those things are staying remarkably well-preserved.
Mmm. Urggzob is considering starting a breeding program.
Oh my. That, uh, won't go over too well, Urggzob.
Pah! Proper application of force and stubbornness can accomplish ANY task!



Finally, the exit.
Finally, a chance to rest and get all my spells back.
Finally, some more glorious jungle fresh air!
Finally, a chance to keep slogging along with all of you hopeless cases. Ugh.
Finally, some progress.
WHY THE HELLS IS EVERYONE TALKING LIKE THAT?



Right then. Clobberella, put that last pillar where it belongs.

Just then...cutscene-o-vision!




_{Oh my word.}
That...that is some guardian, indeed. Napalm Company, attack!
Another dragon! This one had BETTER not be weak and useless!
Perhaps...no, it couldn't be that easy. Pah, worth a try anyhow.
What now?




Well, I'll be damned. That was easy.
AAAAAAAAAAGHHH! WHERE DID DRAGON GO?
'Ronius, what did you do?
I, uh, cast disintigrate on it.
Well done.



Hey, didn't Iselore say the portal would collapse once we killed the guardian?
...



FUCKING RUN!



Into the portal! Into the portal!
Napalm first! Women and Pip second! Urggzob third! Marty and Kruskrak...wherever you fit in!



Did...did we make it?
Are we all even here?
I don't think the portal collapsed before we got to it...
Urggzob cannot see, and he has not even had a drink this hour!
We'll be fine.
Truly. It takes more than inter-dimensional hijinks to bring down Napalm Company.

Just then, a conversation kicks in.





I get the feeling they'll give us one hell of a fight.
Well then! Urggzob will have to give them two hells of a fight right back!
There's a lad. Gentlemen? Cloberella? Shall we?
Yes, my soul yearns to fight hordes of bad guys for a village I didn't know existed until just this week.
I knew you were good on the inside, Clobby!

During this fight...

...reinforcements...

...just don't...

...stop...

...showing up. Still, we handle them all with our usual amount of mixed flair and violence, and slog through one of the more epic fights up to this point.



That...that was a lot of killing.
That was beautiful.
Now...now I suppose we can get back on track.
Wait, we were on a track to begin with?
Pip makes a reamarkably good point.
Our time is coming, Cloberella. The road just winds a bit.