Part 34: Dragon's Eye Caramba, part 1

Huzzah!

Update #33: Dragon's Eye Caramba, part 1

Our band of merry men (and Pip) make to leave Kuldahar, venturing to Dragon's Eye and their eventual destiny.


Man, it's good to be on the road again. It feels like we've been standing around here for two weeks!
You're not supposed to notice that.
All I know is that Urggzob should be happy. If our info is right, we've got a whole load of killin' ahead of us.
Urggzob will take as many loads of killin' as the bad guys are willing to deliver.
Actually, I think we're delivering the killin', not taking it.
I hope so. I'm not over fond of being killed.
Words words words! Urggzob cares not for words, unless they start with S, which makes them swords which are for killing!
There's a perverse logic to that.
Kinda like my favorite mile to walk is the one between two Ss!
I think I just got a cavity. And super-diabetes.

Err...yeah. We're off. For reals.


Naturally, a fight greets us.

Ice lizards! With sticks! A good start!
Hmh. Frost salamanders? Isn't that like "jumbo shrimp"?
Well, while the name is in some respects an oxymoron, you have to remember that it's just a colloquial title given to them because of their resemblance to "normal" salamanders. In reality, they're an entirely different--
You may be reading too much into this, man.
I do that. More often than not.



Pah, they died too easy. Where is the next group?
Across the bridge? The only bridge around here, and the only path we can take?
Huh? Oh, look out. Fire arrows.



Is it me or are the traps becoming more frequent and less threatening?
No, they're pretty much harmless any more. Good thing, too, considering how often we just waltz through them.



THERE is one Urggzob wants to kill! How dare she say Urggzob's grave will be shallow!
Lord knows when we bury you it's going to be thirty feet deep and full of cement. The last thing I need to worry about in my twilight years is zombie Urggzob coming to haunt me.
Hee. Haunt crushings.
Think of it! If he's a zombie, he'll have more interest in brains than ever before!
Oh, come on. If he ever loses all his limbs in a tragic accident maybe I can get the chance to school him.
If Urggzob loses all his limbs he still has a FACE to crush with, and teeth to bite with! And a beard to beard with!
What.

Rare action shot ahoy!

Napalm falling on his ass!

Bah ha ha hah!
Woman! It's icy, there's lizards, fire arrows in my soft parts, spells all over the place, and your nagging to worry about! Balance is among the least of my concerns!
So, are you falling for anyone in particular?
Just myself, thank you.
Aww.



Villains in this organization never cease to entertain me. They'll take any chance they can get to taunt us, even at the neglect of their other duties.
Really. Heck, who knows how long she was standing there?
Two weeks?
Stop that.


Inside, surprise, fighting. Also, we entered a hole on the south side of the structure, and when we're inside we're on the west. Hm.

This--hm. Curious.
Waaagh, less curiosity more crushiosity!
Oh? Right then.
Mmm, messy business. Clobberella?
Kinda busy.
Right, but you're a fine multi-tasker. When these guys are done for, you'll be doing some scouting for us.
What?
All a part of that "tactical Napalm" image I'm working on. Don't worry, we'll have Pip cast invisibility on you.
Hi there!
Hush, Pip. Adults are talking.
Fine, now shut up. Fighting with fists.

And so, Napalm Company bides their time while invisi-Clobberella goes for a look-see around the first level of the Dragon's Eye complex.



Note the first: bad dudes. Lots of bad dudes. Urggzob will like this, at least. Lots of hidden thieves, too...I reckon they'll be able to dodge lots of Napalm's spells. He he he.



A prison, maybe? Not surprising, given the kind of people...err, things, that is, running this place.

...wait, how the hell did he see me?



Oh my. Lots more bad guys, and some kind of statue. What if--



Note to self: Clobber Pip. This is the worst invisibility spell EVER.




Even though I'm sure someone saw me do that, there. I think that qualifies as the first trap I've disarmed since coming on this stupid adventure. Go me.



...yeeaaahhh. Funny as it would be to see Napalm try and dodge those pendulums, I think it might be messy if Kruskrak gave it a go.

Meanwhile...


Aha, Urggzob sees how clever the plan is! Punch lady gets monsters to attack us! Right to the doorstep!
Oh my. She's dead, isn't she, Kruskrak?
I don't think so. Chances are they're just noticing something amiss, and then running straight for the entrance because that's where they know WE are.
How do they know it's us?
Hwoooarrrgh! Yes, come and be CHUNKIFIED!
Nevermind.



A wyvvern's nest? This place has serious identity issues. I guess that's par for the course with the caves we've explored so far, though.



Ugh, that woman can come back any time now. Here I thought scouting would be fun and dynamic, but all we've done so far is sit here.
You may be missing the point.
Pah! The only thing I'm missing right now is good food, good drink, a good bed, a good bath, good company, good fortune, and a bevvy of women at my beck and call.
It's a good thing you're in the barren, abandoned north, then. I hear those things are abundant up here.



More wyvverns, and -- oh, hell. The spell wore off for real this time, didn't it?

One severe, narrowly-escaped beating later...


Ow. Thank the gods I had a spare potion of invisibility handy; those things had a nasty bite. I really need to have words with Pip. In fact, screw this scouting business, I'm going back.



Hey guys, I--
Aaaagh! Don't do that!
Sorry. Down to business, though: Pip, your ass is grass once we're out of here. Everyone else, here's what I found...
Should we wait for Urggzob to finish?



Wah ha ha! Sing while you can, beasts!
Nevermind. Clobberella, if you would?



Good times. What did Urggzob miss?
Nothing but the best tactical plan you've ever heard: Go in, kill everything, then go in further.
Hee. Urggzob likes this kind of tactical.



I seem to recall you saying these thieves could dodge my fireballs. I seem to notice you're wrong about that.
Damn. Well, we're gonna kill 'em all one way or another, right?
RIGHT!
There's a part of me that thinks we should be more clever about this, but then I realize we've had precious few opportunities to be clever since we arrived.


We open up the prison, using a concealed switch. Alarms ring, guards enter. Guards die.



Oooh, another prison. There's something exciting about prisons.
It's mildly alarming that you say that, Pip.
Ooh, tricky duck! I see what you did there. Alarms, prison...
I somehow suspect that's not what he intended at all, Pip. Let's just go in.



Damn, son. He laughs like you do. Is he related?
Unless it's my long-lost-rarely-spoken-of half-brother Wilhelm Napalm, then no. If it is, then I've got less inheritance to share.



And what did that guy want?
To talk. He's a researcher, like you, and all you people do is talk. Talk and read.
Yes. I live on talking and reading, truly. You have seen to the core of me.
I also suspect he'll have a part in us doing a fetch quest soon.
Boo.

We leave the prison. Near that wyvvern nest Cloberella discovered, we see this...


NO ONE TOUCHES! This one belongs to Urggzob!
That's fair. Have fun.



FUN WAS HAD! RRARGH!
That's the angriest happy I've ever seen.

Urggzob's blood-lust temporarily sated, we head off to the main chamber.


Get ready for more angry happy!
Any one of them that understands what he's saying must be confused right about now.
I've been cavorting about the tundra for months with him, and I'm still confused right about now.



I don't envy the lives of these guys. Besides being horribly killed by us, that is. I mean, they just sit around a chamber hiding all day.
As though their only purpose in life is to stand around the chamber until some group of heroes comes out of nowhere and kills them.
Indeed, just like that. Glad we're on the same page.
Not so much.
Ooh, look what that one guy dropped! What is it, Krusky?
Let me take a look...



Not bad. Urggzob?
Hah, yes! Urggzob will be like the gods, hurling lightning at his foes!
If Urggzob ever ascends to god-hood I'm giving up all religion forever.
Indeed.



Downward?
Downward.
DOWNWARD!
On...ward?
You're doing it wrong.