Part 38: Dragon's Eyyegggaghghagahhhhhgggg let's just go home now (part AAAAAAGGGGHH)
I apologize ahead of time; this update's much shorter than I meant it to be. I had lots of raw shots which condensed more than I gave them credit for. You'll see why when we get rolling.
Update #37: Dragon's Eyyegggaghghagahhhhhgggg let's just go home now (part AAAAAAGGGGHH)
You'll recall that our fair Marty McSuperfly was just planning to quaff a potion which would, in theory, transform him into a horrible monstrosity. Well...
Well now. That's repugnant.
Not sexy. Not sexy!
MONSTER! URGGZOB CRU-
No, Urggzob! It's Marty! Urggzob is...conflicted?
You're a conflict, that's for sure. How you taking it, Marty?
Not bad. Kind of mellow, the flavor was disappointing, but the lucid hallucinations aren't as good as I thought they'd be and I can hardly taste the colors at all. I'd give it a six of ten, though. But you're a monster. A horrible monster! Monster? URGGZOB C-- Ugh. STOP THAT. Feh. Urggzob still finds joy in repetitious activities. A horrible not sexy monster! Thanks for the ego boost there, Pip. You know I hackneyed game mechanics quantified experience left click when, uh...what? What just happened? I, uh...don't know? Not sexy! No matter. Just go into the thing, and, uh...do whatever's in there. For us. While you're...that.
Man...this is a pretty tiny, disappointing room. What's in there? Uhh...THROW PILLOWS AND A CANDLE. Seriously? Ugh. Well, look harder. Get them, get them! We can set up our own little reading and recreation area! ...in the dungeon? No reason not to have the comforts of home away from home! You're such a woman, Pip. Listen, hon, SOMEBODY here has to be. I'll, uh, just get this candle then.
Little man is not a monster! Urggzob shall NOT crush! Very good. Next we'll work on elementary grammar. Urggzob speaks Common good is the bestest. ...this may be a bit. Where's our candles and pillows? The pillows were covered in horrible monsters and the candle was actually a lever. Oh. Well, let's go find what it did, then. I DO assume you pulled it, yeah? Of course I did. I'm thinking if it the bridge the bridge look for the--huh. Let's go look at the bridge, then!
Does anyone smell...what is that, sulfur? Brimstone? I've long since lost all sense of smell. We ARE in a volcano, you know. Some pine would be nice. Not burning pine, regular pine. That smells good. Urggzob should hit burning things so he could be a fire fighter. Wait, that almost smells like...
...good heavens. SO MUCH BURNING! I don't miss the burning! By the gods, they're nothing but fire with swords! FOR EVERY HAIR ON URGGZOB'S MAGNIFICENT BEARD THAT IS SINGED HE WILL KILL EVERYTHING! ...well, damn. What's up, 'Ronius? I can't well cast fireball now, can I? That would be absurd. I'll, uh use lightning, then. Lots of it. Mmm, yes, good idea. Some tea, Pip! Let us watch this fine scuffle! Right away! One twig or two?
Everything is so much pain! I didn't know I could get burned there! I'm getting flashbacks of when we first started questing with Napalm. Urggzob is getting flashbacks of a few minutes from now after he CRUSHES ALL THESE RED MEN! That's hardly a flashback. That's a flashforward. Sorry, Urggzob. In the bubble. You too, Clobberella.
Why would they have efreeti? That doesn't even make sense! How did I get burned? THAT doesn't make sense! Urggzob is in a bubble! FURY IS BETTER THAN SENSE! I bet pants would help mitigate burns, too. I burned myself making tea! I have no idea what you chaps are all whining about. Pip, you go check out this room. Marty, start healing people. Urggzob, Clobberella...well, sit tight, I suppose.
Guys? GUYS! There's this, uh...
...oh my. Hey, what's--The bridge! That's...unplanned. Truly so. Well, with any luck it's a mechanical gaffe more than a bona fide emergency.
Something has gone terribly wrong. Stiff upper lip, old bean! We'd help from over here but our spells can't seem to get around this bridge! Urggzob has lots of potions! Use lots of potions! Well, fuck.
By the gods! It's like my worst fantasies come horribly, horribly true! Only with more fangs and poison! ...what. IF BUBBLE WOULD LET GO URGGZOB WOULD GET TO CRUSHING THE LITTLE MAN'S DREAMS! Invisible! I'll make myself invisible!
Hell. Best get to punching. How are those potions treating you? Kind of busy! Kind of invisible! Kind of RRRAAAAAGHHHH! They're all going to die over there, aren't they? Almost definitely. Congratulations on your promotions, you two!
We're alive! By the gods, we're alive! He's getting away! NO! Not even TIME escapes from the crush of Urggzob's axe! You're not gonna let us heal up before we follow him, are you? NEVER! After the coward!
...okay, I didn't expect this. I mean, I love treasure and all, but I wasn't expecting it so much. Urggzob is conflicted by his need to crush and his vague attraction to things which are shiny. What's this...?
Ow. Fuck. It's like someone put a book INSIDE my head. Urggzob, Pip, neither of you are allowed to touch this. You'll fucking explode if you do.
It got quiet. It sure did. Well chaps, I say it's time we left this dreary place. Shame about those others, but we can always pick up some other adventurers for cheap in the next town. You're horrible sometimes. It's part of the Napalm experience. Oh, there they are! Damn!
Urggzob has struck gold. Lots of lizard-man gold. Now Urggzob will strike lizard-man skull. With his axe. Right then, we'll go dispatch this...whatever it was you chaps were dealing with. What were you on about, by the way? Snakes! High Priests! Unaccountable treasure! Unimaginable danger! Sounds fun. To the high priest, then.
Oh dang...oops. Sorry everyone! Sorry sorry sorry! What happened? Where's the high priest? I for sure heard him here. For reals. Dastardly fellow! Must be invisible! Step back! Urggzob will start swinging and not stop until something is DEAD! I, um...cast finger of death on him while you were all still coming around the corner. He died instantly. Huh. Well done. STUPID LITTLE MAGIC MEN! ALWAYS taking Urggzob's hard-earned carnage! Rrragh! Let's, uh...just go. There was a door over there.
...so there was. You know, I'm almost going to miss this place. You shut your filthy whore mouth right now.-----
I have to tell you folks, I nearly shit a brick during that first High Priest fight. I hadn't saved for about an hour, Pip can't fight empty boxes to save himself, and both Clobby and Urggzob were at death's doorstep. I had none of my casting power, and a shitload of snakes to deal with.
Frankly, I got lucky, and took him on my first try. Coming right after the efreeti, it was a genuinely epic moment for me.
Catch y'all later.