Part 5: Orcs are Dumb

Update #4: Orcs are Dumb


Our heroes stand victorious among the bodies of the fallen.

I notice that the thirty or so guards on the palisade here managed to kill a rough total of six goblins.
Good thing they hired us. Hey, we need a team name!
A what?
A team name, you know. So when someone asks us to do something we can yell "Team whatever-our-name-is is on the case!"
That's a terrible idea.
Team Fancy!
Heronius Napalm V, esq., and his well-meaning if somewhat inept entourage.
Too many syllables.
CRUSH FIESTA!
Sad as I am to admit it, that one has a certain charm.
Gods. Rot in hell, all of you.


Arguments not finished, we reported to Ulbrec our success.

Naturally, he wastes no time in sending us scurrying.

I'm worried a bit -- if we leave, what happens to all the people here who need small, menial jobs done for them? I mean, it's been the norm that they certainly can't do this sort of thing for themselves. The whole town could grind to a halt!
I...suppose that's a risk we take, Pip.
What if we wanted to check back now and again to see if they need anything carried more than fifty feet?
Bother that nonsense. We're leaving.



...after getting paid, of course.

And so, our party girds their collective loins and steps out into the cold, cold wilderness.


I really, really should have bought some pants before we left.

THUS:

The game begins in earnest. Chapter one, ahoy!


Napalm does his best to win over the locals, as per usual.

So many kegs!
Focus, Urggzob!


The chieftain then runs, loosing his clan on us.

Bah! Coward does not want to face Urggzob!
How...how did they plan to attack us if they can't get through that wall of kegs?
Not a problem!
HOLD I--



AGGH!
Oh, come on, man! You think you'd be used to it by now!



Anyways, this opening provided for a nice bottleneck. See, they all run in and I set them on fire.
Hooray!
I refuse to believe you actually planned that out.
The only bottle necks Urggzob cares for are the ones he is drinking from!



There are...quite a few of them.
Waaaarrrhhh! MORE blood for Urggzob's axe!
Not for much longer, I wouldn't think.



I'm vaguely disappointed.
Aww, why's that?
Well...these are ORCS. They're like the boogeyman everywhere you go, and I guess I just thought they'd be tougher.
Orcs could learn much from Urggzob's crushings!
We'll do quite well enough without any of that nonsense, thank you.

At any rate, the whole party levels up before we continue. Stronger than ever before.


Now that orcs are dead, kegs will taunt Urggzob NO LONGER!
*sigh*



...happy now?
No! None of these kegs had drinks in them!


Moving right along, we find ourselves again taunted by Torak.

Five gold says he runs off again.
You're on!
I thought monks lived the ascetic life. You know, shun material wealth, and all that?
Dammit, sissy. I had easy money coming there.

Following the formula from last time: Orcs attack en masse.


High heavens! Napalm, what did you do?
Nothing, I swear!
Orcs of the north are exploding! This makes crush time exciting!

Never minding their losses from the explosion, orcs soon have our party fighting on several fronts.


Come on, you lot! Put your backs into it!
Urggzob is crushing at the speed of something that crushes fast, little man!



There you have it. Well done!
Hey, I wonder: Why don't we have any help? I mean, there's a lot of orcs here.
The city guards have their hands full, Pip.
Hands full of crying that is! Little children are wise to leave the work to Urggzob!

After sleeping in the cold, unforgiving snow, we travel north to find this prisoner of the orcs.

He thanks us, opens a new route for us to discover, and then proceeds to teleport fifty feet to his house.

If he could teleport, why was he a prisoner?
You know. Druids, and all that.
I--what is that even supposed to mean?
Hey, let's go get his wife, okay?



I'm hesitant to phrase this wrong, but: How the deuce did you dodge that?
I've been training with the specific goal of not having to deal with your bullshit any more than I have to.
Urggzob should learn that one!
The woman talks lies! Don't listen to her, Urggzob!



Damn it all, fire man!
Well, if you don't like it, stop getting in the bloody way!

Some orcs later, we find the druid's wife. She does exactly the same thing as him, but also warns us of an ambush.


An ambush? That sounds exciting!
That is my least favorite bush.
That joke is pretty awful, Marty.
I need practice.
Let them come! Urggzob will crush their ambushes!

At any rate, we decide to investigate before we circle back and foil the ambush.

Naturally, Torak shows up to taunt us and then run away. Napalm, unable to resist, sets the line of exploding kegs ablaze, starting a noisy if useless chain reaction.



Are they ever going to stop? There's so many explosions, and I can hardly concentrate on my writing!
Duly noted. More explosions it is, then.
Hey, I--
Look, bad guys!



...

Stupid puny orcs! They should FIGHT Urggzob and not blow themselves up!



Hey everybody! I convinced this here wolf buddy to fight for us!
You...speak wolf?
Not even slightly! And it's awesome!


Ambush thwarted, we overlook the ford. Amazingly enough, chieftains don't come out of the trees and taunt us while we sleep.


...but they do as soon as we try to proceed any further.


Aaaaand he's gone. Again.

Hey guys, I had a wacky idea.
What?
Maybe instead of watching him walk slowly away from us, we could actually, you know...try and stop him one of these times?
I don't know why, but that just wouldn't seem quite right.


Orcs dispatched, we follow this increasingly retarded bread-crumb trail. Tune in next time for: Fighting! Complaining! Fire! And of course, hijinks!

Before we split, though: Inventory updates!


Ugh. I haven't found a single bit of clothing worth my attention since I've gotten here. I mean, I have my Me Sword and a magic sling I bought a while back, but no different robes or similar. I've also been finding lots of jewelry laying about.
Ooh, pretty! Can I have some?
No. Hush.



Urggzob has axe, helmet, and splint mail! HE IS BORN FOR BATTLE!
What's that...? Is that a collar, Urggzob?
It is. I found it on the dead worg a bit back and put it on Urggzob while he was sleeping. I thought it would be fitting.



As for me: My quest to find a decent pair of pants has ended in utter failure with alarming consistency. In fact, the only article of clothing I've found is a sash, and that does fuck-all to keep the cold off.
It's a very pretty sash.



I'll be the first to admit I'm not much for carrying stuff. To this end I have no idea why I'm wearing some of the heaviest armor and carrying a shield as tall as Pip. It hurts.



Thanks to Mr. Napalm being so picky--
It's called having a sense of taste, you savage.
Yeah. Anyway, I've gotten lots of magical gear because of that.
And...the magic knife?
That's...well, I don't think I should talk about that.
You know, writing poetry is a good way to let out your inner feelings!



Me? Well, all I've got is a bow and some magic armor. And my stunning good looks, and my voice, and all of my writing supplies. And a decent haircut, though the guy who did it in Luskan wasn't as good as my regular barber, but it'll do until I can get back home. What was I talking about?