Part 9: Caves full of goblins, caves full of goblins!

We return from holiday shenanigans!

Update #8: Caves full of goblins, caves full of goblins!

Recall when we last parted that our intrepid party was girding their collective loins to enter a cave via which they could in theory enter a fortress they were somehow or another supposed to destroy.

Remember that the whole "Cave leads to fort" bit is a baseless assumption. Since those are always right in video games, we're set to go.

Man...I don't like caves.
Why's that?
I like being able to see the sun. _{Also, my best spells don't work underground.}
What's that? Did I hear an inferior spellcaster whining about his own spellcasting shortcomings, or was I just lost in pleasant daydream again?
I wouldn't taunt Marty too much, Mr. Napalm. He is our healer.
I bet you also wouldn't know the tender caress of a woman.
That's rich, coming from you.
Silence! There is CRUSHING to be done!


Inside, we rapidly come across a locked door.


Password is URGGZOB WILL CRUSH YOU NOW OPEN DOOR!



...it was a nice try!
Gahhhh!

The party heads to the south passage only to be swarmed by a metric asston of goblins. And a worg.

Can't forget the worg. Anyway, Napalm wastes no time in demonstrating why the combo of Aganazzar's Scorcher and narrow hallways make for super-death.


You're all welcome to shower me with praises.
Oh, 'Ronius. You're my favorite flamer!
Bah ha ha ha!
Easy for you to say. He's never set you on fire.
Yes he did, way back when.



All over but the crying, now. The party sweeps through the room picking off survivors and netting some loots. Phat loots, if the internet is to be believed.

New spells, too, finally. Now I--
Now you can make a feeble attempt at usefulness?
*sigh* Sure, that.


After graduating from goblins to orcs, Napalm again dings.

This power...this energy...it must be...



Yesss...yesss...YES!
What's going on all of a sudden?
Nothing for your dust-packed woman head to worry about!
Why do I suddenly believe we're all going to die horribly in the near future?


Moving right along, we continue to loot this rather densely-populated cavern.


Look, Urggzob! Dead doggies! Does your cat want a buddy?
NO, little elf man. Kitty needs no friends besides Urggzob!
I'm surprised you haven't given it a name yet, actually.




HELLS ALIVE, was that a fireball!?
That was a fireball.
How are we not all dead, dying, or on fire?
Of course I'm not going to set it off close enough to hit me, you simpletons.
So...we just stay close to you, right?
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with where this is going, Pip.


Napalm, separating himself from the party for a moment, finds this odd friendly goblin.


What was that all about?
That disgusting thing wants us to fetch it some spiders.
For pets?
For food.
Ew ew ew!



Hey look, it's our spiders.
Urggzob will crush little bugs like...ah...little...bugs?
Little nothing, these are fucking huge.
I was wondering: why is it when someone asks us to fetch them something, it's rarely more than a thirty seconds' walk away?
Some questions are best not asked, Pip.



Disgusting creature. I decree that from here out we do not assist goblins, because they are horrid little things that don't deserve our time or pity.
That one's still right next to you.
And what's it going to do? Eat spiders at me? Come on now.




Wow. I didn't think that would work so well, what with the door having a window on it and all.
What did stupid guard say about drums?
Drums? Uh oh.
URGGZOB HAS HAD ENOUGH DRUMS!



So you have. What about clarinets?
Urggzob has no strong feelings about woodwinds.



Maybe--
We do NOT change our goblin policy!
Urggzob crush?
Please, by all means.
URGGZOB CRUSH!


Some goblins later, we meet a red guy surrounded by red guys. Clobberella puts on the charm.

...and starts a fight with a demon whelp. Awesome! Our team does what they do: Kill the crap out of things, and then stroll onward as though it's nothing big.


So doing, they come upon the exit to the caves. Or at least...what they hope is the exit.

An inventory update, before we call it a day:


Not so many magic items yet - nothing worthy of being worn by Heronius Napalm V, esq...
Spare me.
...but I found a fine pair of gloves. First decent bit of clothing we've come across since we got on that damnable boat.
Also you've got enough gems to start a jewelry store.
Also that.



Urggzob is unstoppably crush-y!
I'm astounded how well that cat is keeping!
Urggzob is good with pets.
What're those boots? They look like you tied burlap to your feet with baling twine?
They're actually enchanted to kill any plants he steps on, making entangle spells useless against him.
I'd kill a nun for some burlap right now.



That's right. I'M STILL FUCKING COLD.
I could heat you up.
Good lord, no. I'd rather try and seduce Urggzob.
Bwuh?
You misunderstand. I meant I could set you on fire.
Oh. Thank god. That would also be preferable to what I was thinking you meant.



Everything is so heavy...
Suck it up, Sally.



Besides some enchanted bracers, nothing new for me.
Why the devil are you carrying all of our magic items?
Because I, uh, I'm the only one who can identify them?
...fair enough.



I'm so excited! I've got some flaming arrows!
And a clarinet.
Yeah! It's funderful!