Part 15: They're Not Like You and I, the Rich; They're Better!

Part 13: They're Not Like You and I, the Rich; They're Better!

After several days away from their new forward base at Cambria's SAM, Team Statutory Rape finally emerged from the bush, covered in filth and gore. Dagny met them at the gate to the site, her arms folded, and she immediately began to lay into Ira for their tardiness:

"What took you so damn long? I expect a report every 48 hours."

Ira stared at her for a moment, at length shouldered her pack, and trudged past without saying a word. Haywire and Razor were following at a respectful distance, and Dagny addressed them as they drew near:

"Is something wrong with her? Where have you been?"

The men stumbled over themselves trying to explain to Dagny what had happened: Orta, the doctors, the lab, the relationship Ira seemed to have with one of the researchers there. Dagny frowned at this information, but decided it was best dealt with later. She asked if they had found any weapons, and they told her about the rocket rifles. Dagny mulled over the information, but decided the weapons were not worth retrieving - they simply did not have the range of the team's sniper rifles and FALs. Despite their impressive conquest of Orta, Team Statutory's Rape dallying in the field had delayed the advancement of her plans. She reached out and grasped Razor's shoulder:

"Razor, as you know, all recruits not part of my original squad must undergo individual battle trials. I know you have seen much combat already, but this is a rule that cannot be broken. Your companion already sacked Chitzena by the strength of his arm alone - do you feel that you can perform equally well if you are sent to Balime?"

After a momentary reflective pause, Razor drew his sabre and held it aloft. With unusual gravity, he replied to Dagny:

"By the blood of my ancestors, no Balimian will escape my fury. You have my blade, my lady." Dagny said nothing in reply. Haywire started laughing, amused at the expression of seriousness on his friend's face, and the merriment soon spread to Razor, who snorted and dropped all pretense.

"Naw, seriously, I'll fuckin' tear their eyeballs out and use 'em for gumbo. Whatever, man."

Dagny nodded.

"Off with you, then."

Blackest night found Razor approaching the western sector of Balime. The town was nothing like any of the habitations they had seen thus far: it had paved roads, fountains, well-maintained lawns, and beautifully appointed houses. It also contained their social and moral betters, the wealthy people. Skyrider had dropped Razor off to the north, where he had passed the day masturbating furiously to a tiny fragment of the women's underwear section of a 1987 Sears' catalogue he had found. His genitals throbbing and raw, he was ready to make mincemeat of his enemies, mincemeat and gumbo, with a side of asparagus dripping with butter. And raspberry sherbet for dessert. While Dagny might have respected the rich, Razor's interest was primarily in collecting their blue blood as an additive for his stew.

Through his various ex-Soviet contacts he had secured the use of a VSS Vintorez, a deadly sniper rifle with an integral silencer and custom 9mm ammunition. His trusty saber, as always, hung loyally at his side.


Some say the ghost of Khrushchev himself is locked up inside this rifle, banging a shoe every time a shot is fired

He quickly passed through a well-lit area and vaulted over the wall. He made his way back toward the entrance and came upon one of Deidranna's troopers, easily visible by the light of his Gameboy. Razor drew his rifle, sighted the man's head, and fired twice. The rifle barked two dull *thwups,* and the man fell to the ground as the armour-piercing rounds ballooned inside his head, turning grey matter red.


Now he would never see the naked Samus at the end of Metroid

His friend, curious why a man should suddenly topple over, approached, but the inside of her helmet was quickly painted crimson. Somehow, despite the blood dribbling out of her mouth, the woman managed to fling a grenade at Razor before expiring. The pineapple went wide, and Razor remained unharmed. He fired another bullet into the woman, and she fell.


How's that grenade-throwing class at Jack Lloyd Community College working out? Good? Well, that's good to hear

Razor grinned, and set out into the darkness. Many fell to his insatiable bloodlust:




The Vintorez is actually quite good, despite its limited range and 9mm ammunition. Two headshots are enough to kill even elites. Make sure to use a PSO-P scope and LAM

As he moved toward the southwest, he saw a few figures in the light of one of the mansions. Drawing closer, he realized that they were Deidranna's troops, not civilians. He raised his rifle and managed to peg one of them, but the others ducked or fled, since they didn't know where the shooting was coming from.


After Arulco's sub-prime mortgage crisis, house repossession became a somewhat grisly affair

Razor decided to leave the house for a while, figuring that the troops would eventually emerge to come find him. He spied another soldier to the east, raised his fifle, but only managed to shoot him in the chest. The man cried out, and ran away before Razor could get another shot on him. Creeping forward stealthily, he followed the trail of blood:


"Sees them, we do. TASTE THEIR PAIN, we do. Yeeessssss...."

Foolishly, the man advanced into the light, and then stopped. He was apparently having difficulty breathing, and had ceased his movement to recover his wind. Razor grinned and drew his sabre. He sprang out of the shadows and took hold of the man, one hand going to his mouth to stifle his groans while the other dragged the wickedly-sharp blade across his throat. The man moaned and expired in his arms, as blood dribbled out between Razor's fingers.


Some journalist took this photo of Razor at work. Note the poor physical shape of Deidranna's soldiers

He wiped the moisture from the man's mouth on the grass and licked up the blood, when, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a soldier not five yards away, completely unaware of what had just transpired.


This is pretty much what Valhalla looks like, I think, but with more horned helmets

Razor leapt onto the second man, covered his mouth in the same way, and shoved the blade into his back until the tip sprouted out of his belly. He then twisted the weapon and jerked it out roughly, gripping the man's mouth all the tighter as he tried to squirm away. Razor whispered into his ear.

"Shh... shh... that's right... it's all quiet for you now."


Lawn darts get personal in Balime

The spark of life faded from his eyes, and he crumpled over. Razor gently lowered him to the ground and sheathed the sabre, though not before wiping it on the dead soldier's vest. He returned to the house where the rest of Deidranna's soldiers laid in wait. Stalking around the outside of the house, he peeked in all the windows, trying to spot the soldiers before they spotted him. They were on the alert, but he had the advantage of surprise. Through the front door, he spotted a trooper crouching, and fired a pair of bullets into his head. He was about to lower his weapon when the soldier's companion came racing up and tossed a grenade at Razor. He braced for impact, but, rather foolishly, the women had tossed a mustard gas grenade inside a sealed room. Snorting contemptuously, he put an end to the woman and her ignorance.


Nobody was sure why the maids at the Cransworth household kept dying a blistery death as they attempted to clean the hallway rug. Gypsy curses were blamed, and the local Romas were hung from the trees

Satisfied that the sector was cleansed of Deidranna's taint, Razor reloaded his rifle and moved east, into Balime's commercial sector, where the museum was located.

Razor crept up to the pharmacy, and he spotted his first trooper just to the north of a nearby palm tree. He fired a few brass coconuts into the man's head, and was pleased at the amount of milk that poured forth.


Razor sings a hot island song to warm the man's icy heart

He turned to creep back to the central road, when he spotted a soldier on top of the pharmacy. He drilled a bullet into the man's skull, and then a second, causing him to collapse. As he did, another soldier just behind him became visible. Razor half-expected the man to turn around and plug him, but somehow he remained unaware of the violence that had been visited upon his comrade. Razor put an end to him also.



Did I mention how awesome the Vintorez was?

An elite soldier wandered into the light between the pharmacy and the museum, and Razor lashed out at her with his rifle. The shot struck the woman in the head but did not kill her, and she ran off. Razor made a circuit of the area, killing a few other orange-vests that were nearby, and came upon the woman once more on top of the pharmacy roof. He took hold of the edge of the roof and pulled himself up, stabbing the woman with his sabre before she could react.


Razor gets his snuff porn fix

He searched the nearby area and found it devoid of troopers. He was about to call it a victory when he spotted a trooper on top of the electronics store. And another. And another.


This is actually the smartest thing Deidranna's troops have ever done. Roofs are VERY hard to take, all the more when it's dark

He snapped off a shot quickly, then retreated into the darkness. Circling around the building, he began to pick them off one by one.



This is even harder because the area all around the building is lit up, meaning the troopers can easily see Razor. Hello ctrl-s ctrl-l abuse

Satisfied that most of the roof-dwellers had been taken down, Razor vaulted up onto the roof, then cursed quietly at what he saw. Three soldiers and one dying man still awaited him up there. He snapped off a shot into the nearest man and jumped down before they could kill him.


I can't stress enough just how hard this is

He moved to another part of the building and did the same thing, taking down one of the women in the corner. Only one more trooper remained. Mightily pissed and exhausted from having to jump up and down so much, he drew his sabre and put it between his teeth, then vaulted back up onto the wall and charged the last camo-clad soldier, bellowing out a fierce war-cry. He slashed her twice before she could raise her rifle, and she died screaming horribly.


The ladies just can't get enough of Razor

Razor lifted his sword over his head and shouted his victory into the night. No woodland creature dared approach. Amid the scores of dead that surrounded him, Razor took out the satellite phone and placed a call to Dagny, letting her know that the region had been conquered.

Dagny and her men were choppered in and immediately set to raising a militia. Young men were pulled out of their beds and dragged to the training grounds still half-asleep. Dagny strode through the center of town, taking in all the sights. Balime was like a breath of fresh air to her; it was so very good to be back in the company of the wealthy and productive. She began to introduce herself to the locals, but was taken aback by their surliness:





A sinking feeling overwhelmed her. These were not the hard-working rich, but the worst people of all: hangers-on, courtiers, sycophants. They were products of the nepotism of Deidranna's regime, men given wealth simply by virtue of their being friends or relations of the Queen. Dagny had it in her mind to slay them or evict them from their houses, but doing so would likely cause the town to erupt in armed rebellion against her, since almost all the inhabitants were positively disposed toward Deidranna. She would save her wrath for later, would baste it in the juices of hatred and roast it at 450 degrees for one hour.

She decided to take a tour of the local shops, to see if there was anything worth purchasing. Gumpy accompanied her to the electronics store. He browsed through the merchandise, occasionally sniffing or tasting the wares, and at last came upon an interesting item. He held it up and showed it to Dagny.

"Check this out."



Dagny looked at him, puzzled.

"What is that for?"

Gumpy smiled.

"It's a fumblepak. Listen, I saw some X-ray tubes and an LCD display at the hospital. I think I can build an X-ray detector out of this stuff - the fumblepak will vibrate whenever it detects a guy. We can use it to spot bad guys through walls."

Dagny nodded, impressed. She pushed some cash into his hands and gave him licence to use the chopper. After several hours, Gumpy came back to report on his progress:



He was having a hell of a time, however, getting the X-ray tube to work in conjunction with the fumblepak and the display. He admitted to Dagny that he might not have the skills necessary to put together the device. Dagny sighed, but was understanding. She decided to hire one of AIM's electronics specialists, if only for a day.


Oh you

Static arrived the next day, and was quickly put to work on the radar detector. He was given use of one of Balime's abandoned houses, and spent almost a full day inside. Banging and clanking were to be heard, and the occasional flicker of light from the flame of a MIG welder could be seen. Some say they heard the occasional bubbling of a bong, as well. With the moon high in the sky, he at last emerged and presented what came to be known as "the device:"



Dagny smiled and laughed. Static was dismissed, his 24 hour contract nearly at an end.

Meanwhile, Gumpy was beset by nausea, which wasn't relieved until he had vomited on the grass. Feeling much better, he watched in horror as the chunky material on the ground began to slide around. Bubbling and hissing, it started to contract toward the center, until it had formed tiny human figures. Gumpy called to Dagny, and she came over to him. She winced as she detected the odour of fresh vomit, but managed to quell her own queasy stomach long enough to watch the drama playing out on the grass. The tiny pukemen began to gesture to one another, and speak. Dagny looked closer, and was astonished: they were tiny representations of Deidranna and her majordomo, Eliot!













At this, the tiny Deidranna figure slapped the Eliot puke-creation. The little man exploded into a chunky mess, and the Deidranna figure balled its fists and stormed off into the night. Dagny smiled to herself and whispered to the now-quiet orange puddle:

"One more city, Deidranna. One more and you're mine."

Fortunately, at least one townsperson was sympathetic to Dagny's struggle:


Unfortunately, Eldin was too old and infirm to fight the good fight