Part 17: a: Grummble in the Grummngle

Just going to post the first section of Part 14 as a bit of a teaser, because I might not be able to finish the rest until tomorrow.

Part 14a: Grummble in the Grummngle

One unconquered city lay before Team Gumpy: Grumm. The heart of Deidranna's industrial operation, taking Grumm would be the final blow to her ability to project her power beyond the capital. Of course, she could still import goods using Meduna's rather large airport, and the team expected to find her troopers well-armed, but the sack of Grumm would be an important step nonetheless.

While Dagny was busy exploring the various uses of 'the device' in Balime, unsubstantiated reports of stange happenings in the hills near San Mona began to flow in. There were rumours of a weird monster zipping around the farmland there, under the watchful eye of a bearded giant. Dagny decided to investigate these reports herself, and so she gathered her squad and set off.

Disembarking from the helicopter close to noon, the team began a slow, undirected search of the environs. They eventually came upon a farmhouse and a barn, seemingly abandoned. The house was in very poor repair: the paint on the exterior walls was cracked, weeds were choking the life out of the grass, and spiderwebs and animal droppings held court inside. Gasket opened the rusty-hinged screen door and began to amble around the house, peeking into cupboards and looking under chairs absently. At length, he came upon an obviously out-of-place object: a beautifully polished rosewood armoire. It seemed completely out of place, and Gasket opened it up. At first, he could see nothing at all in the darkness of the cabinet, but as his eyes adjusted to the low light, he noticed that the rear panel seemed to be of a different shade than the surrounding ones. He reached out, and to his surprise the panel folded back, revealing a large red button. Curious as all hell, he pushed the button, and a *swoosh* could be heard from the barn.


I think JA2 is the only game that puts a bathroom everywhere you'd expect to find a bathroom

They quickly ran to investigate, and found a door which allowed access to the rear partition of the barn, previously hidden. Inside was a bearded Irishman, arms folded, waiting expectantly. Beside him a small machine with treads sat unmoving.


As a general rule, the more obscured the treasure, the greater its value. And Madlab is just a peach

Dagny approached and cleared her throat, unsure of exactly what to say. It wasn't every day that you found a man hidden in the back of an abandoned barn with only a pile of lumpen metal for company. The Irishman grinned at this.


Explain how your motorcycle trip around the world took you to Arulco, Ewan McGregor

As it turned out, he was the Dr. Kairns that one of Gumpy's midnight visions had mentioned, a scientist in the Queen's employ. He explained how he had become disgusted with Deidranna's corrupt rule, and had fled in order to come up with a way to remove her from power. His solution? To build a robot and give it a gun. Dagny nodded at this, for she had aspirations of commanding an army of robots herself. Kairns went on to explain that he was just about finished with his prototype, but that it was lacking both a vision system (in the form of a video camera) and a weapon. He made them an offer:


The fact that Kairns refers to the robot as a 'she' may explain how he staved off insanity during the long months of being AWOL

The first minion in her mechanical death squad, Dagny thought. She agreed, and sent Gumpy back to Balime to procure the necessary parts. Gumpy found a video camera among the goods at the electronics store, and picked up a Browning M1919 machine gun to give the robot.





He returned in a few hours, and Madlab set to giving life to his creation. After a full day of fiddling, the robot awoke and began to move under its own power. Madlab grinned as he manipulated the robot's controls, sending it this way and that, bumping into corners and hay bales occasionally. Sighing wistfully, he took off the headset that allowed control of the robot, and handed it over to Dagny. He explained its use:


The 'initiate blowjob' command remained undocumented

Dagny put the headset on, and flipped down the targeting display. If she focused properly, she could see the robot's field of vision through her left eye. She took hold of the joystick and began to move the robot around. It whirred and buzzed as it moved, much to her amusement. She moved the robot toward Biff, and began to chase him. He was still mopey over the death of Flo, and Dagny had become somewhat disgusted with him; it wouldn't be a great tragedy, she thought, if he fell beneath the treads. Biff let out a cry of alarm and dashed off into the woods, easily outrunning the robot, and soon quiet sobs could be heard. Dagny rolled her eyes and took off the headset. She didn't really want to have to fiddle with the robot during combat, so she would need a minder of some sort. An idea occurred to her, and she set off for Omerta.



(The robot's true stats are: Health: 95, Agi: 50, Dex: 30, Str: 30, Ldr: 1, Wis: 5, Mrk: 80, Mec: 0, Exp: 0, Med: 0, Lvl: 1. In addition, the robot wears treated Spectra armour):


Arriving at Miguel's outpost in eastern Omerta, she brushed past Dimitri and walked down the darkened stairwell, into his pleasure den. She found the shirtless Miguel lounging on a divan with a thick book in his hand, as exotic-looking servant girls beside fed him grapes and chunks of meat. He smiled at Dagny's approach and clapped the book shut.

"Mmm, Dostoyevsky is good company, but yours is always better." He spread his muscled arms magnanimously, and let loose a booming laugh. "What can I do for you, fair leader?"

Dagny folded her arms and took up a defiant stance.

"It is time for you to emerge from this vault of hedonism and help your people. For too long you have remained cooped up here, feeding off the good will of those who work for you." She extended an open-palmed hand. "Come. Come and assist us in the ushering-in of a new era of freedom. Your glory will be unmatched."

The giant folded his hands and raised an eyebrow. After a moment, he nodded and stood up. "Yes, you are right. Let us depart!" He commanded a servant girl to dress him, and they left.

The helicopter set down at Kairns' lab amid a torrential downpour. Dagny led Miguel through the rain, and stopped when they were in front of the robot. Miguel frowned.

"What is this?"

Dagny smiled brightly, and pressed into his hands the headset and joystick.

"Why, this is to be the object of your care and devotion! 'Miguel the Robot Wrangler!' 'Tamer of Machines!' 'Gear God!' Yes, that's what they'll call you, because you, my friend, will be in charge of extracting the highest level of performance from our little friend here."

Miguel sighed and closed his eyes.


Beep boop, you're a fag