Part 2: The Sex-Palace of Miguel the Giant and the Battle for Drassen Airfield

I had some time, so here you go.

Part 2: The Sex-Palace of Miguel the Giant and the Battle for Drassen Airfield

Dagny awoke to rosy-fingered dawn cresting the hills of the Arulcan countryside. She turned to reach for a cigarette, and found Tim 'Gumpy' Hillman beside her, watching the movements of her naked body beneath the diaphonous sheet. He was smiling, his thick eyebrows raised in contentment. Though it wasn't the only thing raised in contentment, am i rite?

"Geeth!" he said, "That was pretty hot. Like that scene from the Matrix II, exthept with a real man."

Dagny stood, wrapping the sheet around herself, and kicked him out of the bed. He fell with a thud, his pale ass saying a cheerful hello to the morning sky. Dagny shuddered, just now realizing that she had made like - could she call it making love, with such an inferior specimen? - with this contemptible creature, in a burned out shack, on a rain-soaked, moldy bed, in the deeply unsexy land of Arulco. She spoke:

"This is but part of your training, Mr. Hillman. Do not flatter yourself, thinking that I would choose to be a receptacle for your tepid man-juice. No, the man who loves me is greater than you in every regard. His waist is slimmer, his hi-tops shinier, his mind a steel trap with the bloody foot of knowledge caught within. I suggest you turn your attention to your weapons, now that your frail body has been drained of its essence."

Gumpy, still face down, his cheeks clenched reflexively, meditated on the caprice of Fate, that horrible bitch-goddess who was hell-bent on seeing him in eternal thrall to women. His previous girlfriend had also tried to run his life, but had, much like Dagny, demanded fiery sexual aggression, bordering on violent rape. He had rejected her, turning to B-movies for solace, but perhaps he was unable to escape the power of such women. Perhaps he would never possess Uma Thurman. Perhaps it was his destiny to submit himself to Dagny.

"Okay,' he said, and stood to get dressed.

The team assembled and was gathered, and Dagny led them further into the ruins of Omerta. She came across a young boy and drew her weapon, thinking it a species of overgrown vermin. The boy cringed and ducked, as Flo reached out to stay Dagny's hand.

"Mon dieu!" she said breathlessly. "What are you doing? C'est enfant!"

Dagny slapped her, hard.

"Lay no hand on me, socialist apologist. You are on this mission only because you work for the loose change at the bottom of my purse, and because Biff likes to watch the swaying of your narrow, oddly-proportioned hips. You will not speak or act unless spoken to or acted upon, is this clear?"

Flo looked down, chastened.

The boy took the opportunity to flee. Dagny followed, eventually ending up at a slightly more livable shack. Inside was an ethnic woman, scrubbing a pot. That she was not ululating or throwing herself on the bier in act of self-immolation surprised Dagny, and she made a note of it. She planned to publish an update in the sociology journal People of Colour and Other Inscrutables when she returned to America, and this helped her research immensely.

As Dagny entered, the woman looked up.

"Why are you here?" she intoned gravely.

Dagny stood her ground. She stared the woman in the eyes for a minute, in order to establish dominance, lest the woman expose her claws and tear Dagny to shreds. Then, moving slowly and deliberately, she reached into her pack and produced the letter from Enrico Chivaldori, that tight-fisted ersatz Colombian. Fatima snatched the document and looked over it, frowning at first, then, slowly, smiling.


Despite having had both eyes scooped out by the Arulco janjaweed, Fatima is perceptive enough to know the smell of Enrico's unique horse-sweat cologne

"Enrico has not forgotten us. Follow me, we will go to Miguel."

Dagny barked a command, and the members of her team shouldered their packs and trudged forward, following the billowing skirt of the sun-darkened Arulcan. Shortly, they reached Miguel's palatial estate. An enormous Latvian refugee stood blocking their progress.


Dimitri's degree in Rural Anthropology allows him to know that Dagny's imperialist Western ways can only mean tragedy for his tribe. Already he had seen dozens fall prey to the evils of firewater and 'cultural therapy' sessions. He hoped that they would allow him to continue circumcising women, a practice he found relaxing

Fatima explained that Dagny and her cohorts were here on a mission of justice, and Dimitri, not truly comprehending, stepped aside. Descending the darkened stairway, they found themselves in Miguel's cumin-scented harem. The buxom transvestite Carlos told them to stay still while he fetched Miguel. After a moment, they heard a booming, resonant laugh, and were soon face to face with all ten feet of Miguel. The enormous man sauntered out from his place of lounging, dismissing his two scantily-clad serving women. He explained to them the necessity of their mission, but Dagny was not really listening, so fascinated was she by the man-thing in the corner. A muscular creature with short-cropped hair and ponderous breasts reclined on a divan, munching on a hock of meat while judging an armwrestling contest conducted by two lesser men.


Miguel is, somewhat disingenuously, mainly concerned with recapturing Chivaldori's world-famous milkshake machine. He hadn't had a good shake since Deidranna had run them out of the palace, and it showed in his sallow complexion and stupid earring

Miguel finished talking, and Dagny nodded solemnly, signalling her assent to whatever it was Miguel wanted. He signalled to Ira's attendants to loosen her bonds. She shambled forward and introduced herself in a voice not-quite demonic, but, at the same time, not-altogether human.


Ira takes some time out from filing her teeth to practice 'kon-ver-say-shun'

Dagny commanded Biff to explain to Ira the nature of her rule over the group. Biff simply made a circle with the thumb and forefinger of his right hand, while violently inserting and retracting the forefinger of his left. Ira looked at him quizzically, while Dagny nodded approval at the laconic Biff's economy of expression. A Spartan would surely envy him.

Please give a warm welcome to our newest teammate, Ira Smythe.



Despite being of ambiguous gender, Ira will eventually be an excellent soldier. She has good all-around stats, and her high wisdom allows her to improve her skills rapidly. She will be useful both as a medic and a militia trainer, given that she is an expert teacher.

Thus began the drills. For four weeks the group practiced, rising at dawn for marksmanship training, settling in at sunset for forced marches through the countryside in search of rare plants that could be used to give Dagny immortality, and perhaps restore Ira's stolen femininity. On the eighth day, while returning to their hut for the customary lone meal of Kibbles'n'Bits 'Ashtastic Edition,' Gumpy suddenly fell to the ground, frothing at the mouth. Dagny simply shook her head and stared down at him, disgusted. Barely a week and she had already broken him. However, Fatima came running and put her hands on him. Her forehead creased in concentration, and she stood up.

"He is having a holy vision."

Dagny was about to order Flo to drag Gumpy away to put him out of his misery when, all of a sudden, he began to speak. It seemed that Gumpy had the mutant superpower of being able to psychically 'spy' and to report on the goings-on of the royal throne at Meduna. While only Jubilee would envy a power as lame as this, it could still be a useful source of intelligence. As it turned out, the queen was angry that the rebels had slaughtered four of her most attractive troops at Omerta, and demanded their heads. This only stiffened their resolve.


Elliot simplifies nuclear physics for his science-impoverished queen


She reproaches him for his condescension

Enrico was becoming concerned, however, as the days and weeks passed without apparent progress. Putting down his Swiss-water decaf espresso, he fired off a decisive e-mail to Dagny. While others had chided him for his passive-aggressive letter-writing, explaining that his letters rarely achieved anything because people believed him a coward, he still felt that they allowed him to express his feelings in the most concise way possible, without having to lose too much time playing World of Warcraft. In fact, he was in the process of writing a scathing letter to Deidranna explaining just how much her putsch and his subsequent exile had hurt him.


Enrico is a true capitalist - he demands results for his money. Biff, however, is the first to read this letter, and replies to Enrico, writing rather enigmatically 'lol'

After four-weeks of training, her troops were beginning to look noticeably tougher. Muscles began to harden, bellies to recede, eyes to sharpen. Improvement was dramatic all around:



Feeling confident, Dagny marched her men, women, and man-thing toward Drassen.


The map. Notice that the capital city of Meduna is shaped like a giant stealth bomber. This is the legacy of Enrico's superweapon project, which purported to turn the entire city into a flying fortress, towed by a much smaller plane in the upper-left hand corner. Needless to say, Deidranna discontinued this practice at once and put her funding into colourful outfits for her lowliest troops

While marching through the woods at night, they came upon a small patrol of Deidranna's soldiers. With the newly-forged combat prowess of our heroes, they were quickly dispatched.


Man-slaying Biff's courage calls to mind the greatest of the Greeks. Few outside of the department of Classics know that Achilles was actually a red-headed, sexually-confused thirty-something with a dead-end career and abysmal combat skills

With their enemies slain, the powerful warriors made their way to just north of Drassen where, exhausted from their trip, they passed the night. Rising early, however, they struck at the airfield while the land still lay untouched by the hand of Dawn.

Creeping from the north, they immediately spotted several troops, easily visible in the glare of the runway lights. Striking from the darkness, our heroes dispatched them with ease. Dagny motioned to her troops to continue forward, but to stay to the shadows.


Probably somewhere you can't shoot them in the face, you murderous cretin.

They moved to the chainlink fence dividing the Arulco Colonial Authority security station from the airfield. Dagny snipped a hole in it so that they could ambush the guards.


This was not to be the last time that a group of heavily armed thugs would enter the holes of Dagny

There, thanks to Dagny's superior night vision, they spotted three sentries. Dagny called out their positions, and, under a withering hail of gunfire, the soldiers fell to the ground, dead. They didn't have a chance. Dagny ordered her team back through the hole in fence, in order to scour the airfield for the remaining defenders.


Gasket is educated in the peculiar Arulcan custom of slaying one's enemies and slinking away into the night unharmed

They approached the checkpoint gates from behind. In the dim light of the guardpost's lights, it was easy to spot the shadows of two ill-trained Deidrannic guards. Flo and Ira put an end to them quickly.


1.13 includes a parser that converts Ira's clicks, hoots, and grunts into a semblance of human language. Not shown: bathing in the blood of the fallen

With their enemies dispatched, Dagny's team claimed an easy victory. There would be administrative work to do, of course, in securing the airfield and bribing the necessary officials, but these mundanities did not distract her from the essential excellence of her achievement: with this group of inbred yokels, she had, somehow, managed to defeat the soldiers of a far larger, far more experienced army. Not only that, but she had struck a blow against the great monolith of socialism: she had found the chairman of Arulcan Public Employee Union amongst the bodies of the fallen. Workers' solidarity did not save him from the mushrooming of a hollow-point 9mm round. Upon inspecting him, she had found an evil mark burned into his thigh: the brand of the International Order of Communists, a sickle and martini glass. Furthermore, among his possessions she discovered a pamphlet on unit bargaining and public healthcare. Burning with indignation, she had turned her weapon on the pamphlet, reducing it to shreds. The only thing that could calm her now was a good old-fashioned union busting.

"You there. Boy. Here, now," she called to Biff. He came running up and saluted, standing stiffly at attention.

She handed him a schedule of suspected union meetings and a sash.

"You are to don this sash and break up these meetings. Use force if necessary - and I hope it is necessary, if you take my meaning." She narrowed her eyes.

Biff nodded, beginning to sweat. Dagny departed, and Biff left to begin busting heads. He turned the yellow sash over in his hands - something was written on it. He inspected the inscription:

"MEANS OF ASS-KICKING PRODUCTION"

He liked it.

Next up: Looting Looters Bloodshit