Part 7: † Malachi 13.0.0.0.0 †

We pick up in the Capsule Room.

>Speak
For now, we'll hide in here. Pick one.
I'll pick Hoka's. How about you?

>Hoka


>Milakov (or anyone else's; it doesn't matter yet)
I'll use captain's capsule.
Will we be able to talk?
Sure. Phones are inside.
Let's get in, then.




>Speak
Can we control the ship here?
No, but.. we can use the main computer for support and change the autopilot. We're headed for Jesus.
If the monster did that… The implication is bad.
Yes…

We were already going to Jesus. We planned to rendezvous with Jesus precisely because the one person there is apparently a defense force, and they know there's something bad on our ship they're preparing to fight. Nothing has changed, and we're perfectly safe here. Everything is going exactly according to plan. I want to see a poster with the tagline "In space… the implication is bad"

>Speak
What if it has no weakness?
It's living too… so it must, but…
Let's think about what we've seen so far.

I'd like to reiterate that we haven't really tried bullets.

>Speak
Not much to say.

There's not much to say about this monster having gained sentience and killing us off. It's pretty clear.

>Commun.
Ah, no luck. This CPU's not hooked up with the main one



Within the Recall menu, we can remember the memorable characters of this game:

>Milakov
Milakov died to rescue us…

>Carson
Carson was killed in the lab. Why'd it retreat after?

Because it killed the man? That's a fine reason, and it clearly doesn't retreat after each death on its own given it was just chilling with Hoka.

>Hoka
Hoka was attacked as I watched.

>Bellini
Bellini fought on his own after leaving a note…

>Balkas
Balkas was in the lab.. Why was it always the fingertip?

>Huyler
Huyler died in the Comet's cockpit, trying to guard it.



We can switch capsules any time we want here, and the text just continues without skipping a beat. We need to choose Carson's, because unlike the captain he hooked his pod up to play video games because just having a phone in his bed wasn't enough. When we choose Commun. from Carson's:

>Commun.
Lucky! Carson's PC is linked to the main one. We can communicate.
Now to get in touch with Jesus. Ship 2 here. Jesus, do you copy?
Jesus here. That Hayao?

Only Hayao would forget his ship's name.

>Commun.
Cmdr, it's just me, Eline, and Fojii. Only us 3 left.
..Sorry to hear. Glad to know you're safe. Defense forces are pre.p.r…
Ah? We've lost contact.

Well, they said they're prepared, which confirms what Newt and also you told me because you already did this before.

>Commun.
Can we contact Jesus?
Trying it… Weird. It won't work.
Broken?
Oh, a signal. Huh? That's odd.. what language is this?
If it's French…

Eline has the ability to read French but can't confidentially identify text as French. Maybe she's bullshitting too.

No, looks like a mixture.
Can't Fojii translate?

>Commun.
Do you get it?
It's like you said. A mix of Portuguese, Italian, German, Chinese, and English.
Languages of those attacked..
I'll use cryptoanalysis. Um.. "I am Monster."
What!? It can talk? I thought it mindless.
I think it took not only DNA, but memories, thoughts.. Since it has those, it can understand our languages.

>Commun.


Have I mentioned that this is the greatest video game? I'm sorry if I ever implied otherwise. This is the greatest game.



Ah, so your plan is… the status quo, which we set up to get you killed. I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually have any plan here and is just trying to sound important and psyche Hayao out.



Anyway, let's switch capsules.



Jesus!

>Commun.
From there…?



Isn't Halley good enough?
We are not of Halley. We have no home. We wandered for time immemorial. At last, we found this system and rode Halley.
And humanity?
It will die.
I won't let you..
Ha! If you fire energy at me I enjoy it. Cold rays will work no longer.


>Commun.
Other stars no good?
Taking genes from one system made it hard.

The monster describing his DNA fetish.

Can't you coexist with humanity?
Impossible.
Why?
I know your motive.
Ah?… Meaning?


Hey, I know I'm completely out of place here, but Hayao isn't smart enough to ask these sorts of questions and convoluted self-reference never makes things difficult at all. Why are you telling us this? How could we properly translate a mess of languages with completely different grammar, word order, etc and how are you dealing with, say, tonality in Chinese? How did you use five languages to say "I am monster" when that's a two to three word phrase? What do we have to worry about given that Gingrich explicitly warned Jesus a monster exists and they've already made plans to stop you? If you were able to get to the comet which isn't the Comet from a different part of space then why do you now need a ship to get 35 A.U.? If you liked heat and couldn't stand the cold until it became inconvenient for tension then why were you able to survive on a barren ice comet in space? Why did you leave the comet to travel to Earth if the comet is heading to Earth? How do you expect to communicate with Halley when the others haven't evolved to understand language and probably lack transmission-receiving ships? If they're able to help in any way without having ships, that again prompts the question of why you need a ship. Do you have an actual reason to take over Earth?

Sci-Fi.

Fair



In case it's not clear, Mnstr (either holding a high role in government or the creature Hayao wants to read his vows) is blatantly trying the Alex/Vladimir strategy of desperately trying to seem cool and mysterious to hide the fact that it doesn't know what's going on (read my LPs). On the other end it's desperately trying to calm down its breathing and rehearsing its next phone call to make sure it won't be embarrassed again.

>Speak
Did you hear?
It's messing with controls
It's no good! If it gets language, it can convince Jesus it's safe and meet no resistance!

The language it already has? I think the mess of languages would cast some suspicion, as would the giant claws and, you know, being four meters tall. Even if it manages to impersonate Gingrich and say "Never mind, guys, we're safe", the defense forces that Ali likes to pretend exist aren't going to vanish in a puff of smoke or throw all their weapons into space. I want you to appreciate that this game lets me say things like "Jesus will see the monster's giant claws" and have it be a justified complaint.

>Speak
I'll lure it out. Meantime, you sneak in and lock the system, OK?
We don't know how many bodies it has! If it's only part, then..

If only there were some way to sense things with life in them, like bodies. Some machine which could do that, you know, sensing life. Oh well.

I don't want you in danger! But we have to stop that thing!
Okay. But how can you lure it out?
I'll make up an excuse like..

Anyway, I think we should continue this talk in another capsule.



Jesus!

>Trade
Let's cut a deal. You spared us, we'll give you information
I can pluck any information from you. No dealing.

The Minister'd be great with Howie Mandell.

>Escape


We're really not good at this.

Once again, we have to waste time until the game takes pity on us and gives us the option "GiveIn"

>GiveIn


>GiveIn


Hayao is failing to surrender from a situation where he's guaranteed to succeed. The best protagonist.

We can now go to the Bomb Shop and purchase us some bombs.

>BombShp
OK, listen up!
Better be good.
We have an explosive! If you don't come out…
To bet your own lives.. You want to be crushed? Nice chat, a poor lie.
No lie!
No good. I've checked the manifest. No explosives.
Damn…

Okay, Hayao is the worst at all things, but I honestly think "I've checked the manifest" is the least scary line it's possible to write. I have a hard time feeling menaced by a monster who digs through cabinets full of forms to make sure the ship's up to code and the right number of hamburgers are in crates.

>BombShp


This is not a sound strategy, and there are in factbmore than three problems with their approach. Hey, perhaps while I'm filling this update with callbacks I should take the time for some:





Hayao is pretty dumb.



But it works, dealing the most savage blow to Game Theory since the paradox that chain stores sold this game. Dreadful things probably shouldn't hit Monte Carlo with comets any time soon.



Finally, we're given the option Lure, which lets us choose a room to lead the monster into. From here we can wander around looking for… something, I guess. Apparently we've bought time by telling the monster exactly where we are and that we plan to bomb the ship.



From wherever, we also have an attack menu, though nothing's effective. A runthrough:

>Synthzr
Do you think it's a gun?

>Unrmd
That's no good…

>Knife
A last resort

>Pistol
No luck.

>ColdGun
That won't help. [We must be awful at e.g. Poker, believing BioMan]

>Fojii
Hey! No way!



We also still have the Recall menu, and going anywhere to use that lets us recall Carson.

First, what we know. It came out of Halley's gas. Carson said it couldn't have come from Earth. The comet probably carried it. So… Anyway, what could it gain from attacking humans?



A quiz show. Because branching paths are really hard, any choice gives us the same answer. That is, if we select DNA, we get this:

>DNA
It got stronger with each one killed.
Yes, and it evolved each time. How many times now?

Whereas if we choose Hair we get this:

>Hair
It got stronger with each one killed.
Yes, and it evolved each time. How many times now?

No, that doesn't mean this isn't a quiz, just that you only know whether you pass at the end and never know what you got wrong. If you miss a single answer, the quiz starts over after you've gone through the set, and when I first tried that out by picking the top one each time my emulator crashed. When you fail properly, all you see is this:

>Any Wrong Sequence
Seems inconsistent. Let's try again.

Games.



We keep going back and forth on whether or not it's evolved those times, but the answer this time is 6.

The monster's strong vs. heat and fire.
It gains energy from heat. Is that why… the only effective weapon was?




>ColdGun
It can become a liquid and regenerate…
There are other things, like the cooling switch that was broken.
The auto repair was broken too, did it do that?
Probably. It's a very smart, tricky beast. It isn't stupid.
It fled in the research room. But I wonder why? What else happened then?




>Music
Eline's music played on the system and suddenly stopped.
But who stopped the tape?




>Monster
The tape was broken afterward…
Who broke the tape?



Yes, those are different questions. For its setpieces Jesus goes all out.

>Monster
Ah! …Something about sound.
Careful, Hayao. What is it weakest against?



>Melody



>Synthzr
So Fojii.. After killing Carson, without us shooting, the monster ran away since music played. Then, the music stopped and the tape was broken. Its weakness may be the melody!

Didn't we decide it always hid after killing even though that was also wrong? Rewriting your rules every five seconds is one way to make a mystery work, I guess.

Seems so. Humans hate nails on a chalkboard, so…

We really aren't nice to Eline re: her musical ability.

OK, let's try it out then.
Let's lure it someplace with a synthesizer.
Didn't I forget it in the airlock?


Time for a special behind the scenes look at the makings of this LP. A friend of mine whose name begins with N and rhymes with either Micholas Mickleby or Bricole offered to draw wonderful art for my thread. I planned to have her illustrate parts of this recap, sending her the request to draw Hayao drawing Space Fluttershy I'm space, with Space Fluttershy saying "I would date you, Hayao. Eline doesn't know what she's missing." or, as I said in my original message, "something equally creepy and absurd."

I have yet to hear back. Assume "horse" is metaphorical for space.


Its roar was rather frightening, recall.











Let's play some Mega Man music.



Yes, Hayao thinks he left it in the airlock, then he materializes one with his mind, then Fojii tells him it's in the ship in the airlock in the ship. I want to emphasize that this is a game that exists.







Now that the monster phased through the wall (graphics!) and Hayao's detached one of his mirror knees to strap himself in, we can Atck (same options as before, down to saying Synthzr's not a gun).

>Psh Monster
Whoa, He'll EAT you!

>Psh Key
That's right, but..

>Pll Monster
Trying to pull it?

>Pll Synthzr
OK, you have it out. Now play the melody

You know, the last time it heard this song it destroyed the thing playing it. Maybe this isn't so-
Play.



Boy, isn't this clear? The right sequence (counting white keys as 1-8 from left-to-right and ignoring the black) is 1-2-3-4-3-2-1-3. This is slightly more lenient in that Fojii will correct you as soon as you play a wrong note, but it's still pretty unclear at best and impossible at anything other than best. Apparently there's no middle ground between "What does France's flag look like" and "Know the Japanese Circle of Fifths".



Nope, that doesn't help too much either. I don't think this puzzle's very good. Also, Cymbal informs me (breaking the song down in Audacity) that the actual song's in F Sharp, while the version you play is in C -- clearly the true problem with this scene.






Damn you!
Now it's playing steadily
It saying anything?
Just screaming.. Oh? Tone's different… and in Portuguese..
Translate it for me.
Okay…




Portuguese..? Is it possible…
Balkas' words..
It absorbs the mind.. Can the attacked ones be inside somehow?
Looks so. Italian… Bellini.




Can we bring them back?
German…
Hayao, it's Huyler. Sadly, our minds will.. nay, must die with it.. but, for science, dying in space leaves no regret!
And Chinese



All of you spoke in Japenglish. Stop making this harder than it needs to be. We're essentially playing Being John Malkovich in space, only awful.



I was worried! Sorry I deserted my post.
Shh… English.




Though it breaks my heart, no time to research this!
Mr Carson!
Bellini…
I've found something important. This thing is a reflection of humanity. It's taken our DNA, so part of its behavior was acquired…
Then...
We want peace among humans. This thing now seems to be more like family than..
You've found peace with it…?
Huyler now.
We have.. But the genetics are there! Humans can have a great future!

For a few weeks. Then a rather large comet hits Earth.

If they could control the monster from within, why did they let it threaten the Earth? You are DNA and you are analyzing the DNA of the monster that you are? I can't really analyze my future (or Humanity's) from my DNA, and I think I'm closer to it than you are.

…
Any Russian yet?
Yeah.. It's Milakov.
There is strength in that melody. We will depart for the ends of space. This isn't the end.



The monster bursts through the hull of the ship into space, which likely makes Eline and Hayao sad.




Okay so then you're in space and Hayao gets to the ship and sees the people dead from the monster and you kill the warehouse but its skin is a new monster and it spits on people and then it's huge and kills space Gingrich and you lock yourself in a bed and it gets the DNA and becomes all the people but you play a song and then the DNA fights itself and the people are still in the monster because of their blood and they fly into space and the DNA has telepathy and the Jesus is coming to shoot the monsters but it's in space.
I'm glad we hired you to write this game.


Jesus and Earth, forever.. Farewell.
I got 1 last hamburger! Bye.



Treat Eline well. A true goodbye.



Bellini's DNA is fucking blazed. "Dude… what if we were like, stars, man? It's like, no CPU can predict fate, you know. Dude." The fate of stars can be easily predicted by CPUs, and it is very unlikely you'll become hydrogen fusion any time soon. Sorry to spoil your fun. Maybe the only reason CPUs can't predict things is that you spent more time giving them rabbit ears than programming them to know about e.g. DNA.

All of them.. They're gone now.
Hmm…



Hayao's nasty battle wounds and thousand-yard-stare from playing some keys will haunt him for years to come. He invited Eline out to share a touching moment in space. Seriously, the two of them are just there. In space.

Yes..
Hayao!
Fojii, we'll be busy soon. Quiet now.
OK, OK….
It's quiet.
Say.. Is it okay to stay like this for now?
Yes.. Those 6 would allow that much.
Oh.. I'm still so sad. Let's stay like this…



You can see there's a wall behind them even though their pose is the same as the previous shot. Unless they attempted a celebratory waltz and gave up after two notes, the previous picture apparently shows they crawled onto the roof of the Corona to spend their touching moment in space.



There's no time to mourn, but plenty of time to snuggle with my anime space girlfriend as a space window cuts off her arm. Why was Eline on this ship?








My battery's run low. I'll lose part of my memory… I'd planned to charge, but with Hayao's monster… Milakov's words… I wonder if they'll remember them? There is strength in that melody. If we keep the melody close, we may survive. Humans have survived. The melody cut a path for them. In 2137 A.D…

Ask to be plugged in. There's electricity on the ship. By the way, if anyone auditions for an actual theatrical role with this monologue and gets the part I'll buy them a forums upgrade and maybe, like, cake.



Well, that's Jesus.



I love this game. Don't get me wrong, everything about it is awful and in no way is it something you should play. The thing is, it's so terrible that it becomes amazing, and it continually tops itself in absurdity. I'm a bit disappointed the thread didn't take off like I'd hoped, but I'm glad I got the chance to show it off.



Thanks a ton, Niahak! Let me know if you ever take on the sequel.



Amen.