Part 9: Beating Up Some Rich Old Fat Pervert

Well, I was expecting today's vote to go to Caneghor since he was in second place yesterday, but instead it's gone to the Baron by a landslide.

Beating Up Some Rich Old Fat Pervert

Largepotato posted:

Also, can you post the current map so we can see what's been explored so far?

Your wish is my command!



We've explored a bit over half the first continent. There are still treasures in the desert, but I'm sure as hell not going back for them this update. More Time Stop spells mean less fiery death, less fiery death means an unhappy Ignatia, and would you want to deal with an unhappy Ignatia? I didn't think so.

"I heard that!"



Go on, see if you can guess why I'm recruiting this sprite.



Army, check. Siege weapons, check. Contract, check. I've tried to attack castles without any or all of these three things in the past and it hasn't been pretty. (At least if you forget the siege weapons you can't even try to attack.)



"Well, hello there, ma'am. Perhaps you'd like to consider giving up the adventuring life and settling down with me in this fine castle? I could make you very comfortable."

"If I didn't have to capture you alive, there would be a fireball up your ass right now."

"Ooh, a fiery one. You must be burning with passion for me."

"That does it. Those puns alone are reason enough to take you down."



Baron Johnno Makahl has a pretty respectable army. The fat green guys with Fu Manchu moustaches are trolls, and they mean that the Baron effectively acts as a hurdle: the first three villains can be beaten even with a fairly weak army, but you need to do at least 50 damage per round to the trolls or they'll just regenerate. (One time, I went in with too weak an army and it came down to two of my trolls against two of the enemy's trolls. I had to surrender because the battle was never, ever going to end otherwise.)

The good news is that two trolls don't actually hit very hard: their danger is in their endurance. So we can afford to ignore them until everything else is dead.



Ignatia starts off by incinerating the wolves, because seriously, fuck wolves.



This creates a gap in the enemy's ranks, allowing our cavalry to move in and block both the archers and orcs from shooting at the same time. (Orcs are actually stronger in melee than at range, but I'd rather have my cavalry taking hits than my archers.)



What a waste of a retaliation. Those cavalry could have killed at least two or three archers. Oh well.



Here's where we stand at the end of round 1. Only one pikeman lost so far, and Johnno's army has already lost two out of five units; we're doing well.



Round 2 is mostly spent chipping away at the dwarves, to great effect. We also lose another pikeman.



Our archers finally make themselves useful! That's a solid hit, better than our elves do sometimes.



By the end of round 3, it's just us and the trolls. I'd better get that sprite out of danger if I want to garrison it.



By focusing everyone else's attacks on the trolls, we kill both of them in a single round. Victory is Ignatia's!



"If I had to be defeated, I'm glad it was in such a hot way."

"If that was another pun, I'm going to make sure you meet with a horrible garderobe-related accident in prison."



In the interests of economic efficiency, we set one sprite to watch over the castle we just seized.

_{"You'll be sorry once the death ray is finished. You'll all be sorry."}

And that ends today's update. Stat check time!



Here's our map to the Sceptre! We've uncovered another square of mountains in the southwest.



Our army. Only four pikemen lost in that battle: I could have done better if I was more cautious and used more magic, but it's a good result all the same.



One more villain until our next promotion. I can't wait.

Unfortunately, that villain will either be Caneghor or someone even tougher. We can either take him on right away, or explore the rest of Continentia for more treasure and recruitable monsters first. (Keep in mind that there's still one artifact on this continent that we haven't found yet.)

"Aw, don't be such a scaredy-cat. We can take on Caneghor now and get the artifact next time!"