Part 11: Episode XI: The Gang Tackles the Immigration Issue

Episode XI: The Gang Tackles the Immigration Issue



Back at it again at the Holy Water Font. I had been stopping and taking time to unlock the timed “secret” items once we’ve gotten to a new Permanent Save Point. But... well... It’s been like fifteen minutes since the last one. Farting around grinding for forty minutes just to unlock a mid-potion with a funny name or whatever the hell is next isn’t the best uses of time at the moment. So let’s just continue onward.





And by onward, I of course mean backtracking to an earlier room. Remember how the plaster on this wall had a note that if we poured water above it, it ought to crumble? Well, we just restored that Holy Water font right upstairs, so...



Aren’t we getting fancy with our French descriptions for paperweights? Yet another Key Item is shoved into our inventory. Maybe one day we’ll have a use for ‘em. More pressingly... there is a 50 total item cap on inventory space in this game for no particular reason. We’re sitting at around 40ish items now. Now having around ten percent of our capacity dedicated to Key Items that cannot be removed until used for a puzzle is less than optimal...



But what are you gonna do? Let’s retrace our steps and proceed past the Holy Water Font and into the realm of PS1-era CGI.



You always blame everything on the savagery of pagans.
Perhaps if the filthy immigrants should stop their barbaric ways, this wouldn’t be an issue.
I said “pagan” not immigrant.
I fail to see the difference in statements.
......



Are all men of the cloth like that?



It’s senseless to tell you this. But the truth is—



James’s no doubt eloquent justification for religious bigotry is interrupted by someone scampering about upstairs. We’ll have to approach the theology debate some other time.



What the...!?







An unknown assailant with some manner of Dhalsim-esque stretchy arm uses a gun to shoot down a frankly extremely poorly secured chandelier, nearly crushing our trio in the process. Not the most effective method of murder, really. You’ve got to kind of have the element of surprise against folks with very poor reflexes to pull that one off, champ.



Also of note... a severed hand flies out of the chandelier. No big deal. It’s late October. I’m sure the Hartmans would have sorted that out during some spring cleaning after the winter months. You know how housekeeping can get when it gets cold.



Well that was weird... Back in the realm of gameplay... err... Koudelka, look... We need to talk about your temporary save point placement. There’s a real save point literally the next room back. Furthermore, are you really calling what is clearly some manner of foyer, complete with a staircase to a second floor walkway and (formerly) a grand chandelier a “Storage Room”? This is like the first room in this monastery mansion we’ve seen that wasn’t a hallway or a storage room. Get it together, game!



So about that hand that bounced out of the chandelier wreckage... That’s actually another key item we can acquire. Though I’d just like to point out how unbelievably massive it is when collecting it. It’s hard to tell from this overhead perspective, but that brown splotch in the center of the screen is Koudelka bending over to pick the hand up. Apparently we’ve found the severed limb of the 1890s equivalent of the Incredible Hulk. RIP.



Oh good, we’ve found Daniel’s Hand. He’s surely going to want that back! What? How do we know the name of who this hand belongs to? Pfft... Koudelka is a medium. She can determine the origin of wayward limbs just at a glance. It’s a power she doesn’t advertise much due to its seldom use. Granted, we now need to find a “Daniel” in the greater Aberystwyth area missing an arm now. But that’s about par for the course of all the Key Items we’ve collected at this point. I can’t wait to come upon a statue missing all of its bling that was supposed to be holding a pair of animal themed paperweights with the corpse of some guy named Dan slumped up against it.



Obviously, we’re going to want to go upstairs to investigate who shot that chandelier and attempted to kill our party. But first, we can climb a pile of boxes next to the staircase and unbolt a door leading to...



...nearly where we started the game. This is the locked door we came upon just outside the room where Koudelka, Edward and a random werewolf met. Spiffy. We’ll just remember that is here for now. You know... in case we find any Red Keys so we can go have a word with the mass murderer couple in the future.





Back on task, we should probably go have words with that guy with the gun upstairs. However, a most sinister foe lies in our path in the realm of random battles. It’s the only new foe in this small area.


Music: Waterfall



...A cat. No, it’s not a ghost cat or a malevolent spirit possessing a feline. It’s not some transformed demon taking cat form either. It’s just a Black Cat.





However, as everyone knows, cats build up an impressive well of static electricity charge from all that grooming and lounging on carpets for hours at a time. When threatened by strangers, they can release this pent up energy in the form of a potent lightning attack. What’s that? You’ve never heard of a cat doing that. Yeesh... count yourself as one of the lucky ones... Cats are no laughing matter!





Edward, however, is a dog person and will not abide the treacherous assault of cats. RNG rolls have failed to have him do his three hit combo in ages. But this cat? The full course of punches and kicks. Clearly he had a bad experience in his youth.



Black Cats have the guaranteed drop of a Cat’s Eye, a type of Knuckleduster weapon. That is actually a magic oriented weapon, boosting stats for Intelligence +6, PIE +9, Mind +6 and Agility +10. It’s not a bad idea to toss this on Koudelka or James to give them an additional magic boost.



But we’ll fitz with equipment in a bit. Before heading upstairs, we’re going to do a touch of prep work since our unknown assailant might not be the friendliest of chaps.



We’re going to go ahead and equip Koudelka with that Bowgun we found earlier. She may do well to have an extra bit of physical damage kick for what’s coming up and Crossbows are the biggest damage dealer of ranged weaponry.



Likewise, we’re going to equip Edward with some Water Knuckles to boost his fisticuffs damage output a little bit. The Water Element is completely unimportant. We just want something that uses his best moveset. And the non-elemental Knuckles might have immediately shattered right after that boss fight with the Dark Young.

Anyway, with our affairs in order, let’s head up to the upper level of the foyer store room, where we find...



Without saying a word, he starts shooting at you!


Music: Incantation Again



A new foe appears: The Thief! He hasn’t stolen anything from us, is terrible at stealth and has a gun as a weapon of choice. But hey, Koudelka... If you say it is a thief, I’ll call him a thief.



So this is a gimmick boss battle of a sorts. The Thief has two piles of junk in front of him. These are counted as enemies. Koudelka’s battle system doesn’t allow our party (or enemies) to advance further on the battle grid than the front line troops on either side. The Thief wisely hangs out on the backrow, making it impossible to hit him with melee attacks.



As such, we’re going to have to beat the shit out of these barrels and wooden boxes like it’s a bonus stage from a fighting game. Both piles of crap come packing 1296 HP to burn through before we can get our hands on the cowardly jerk in the back. Fun fact: A pile of wooden crates is totally capable of being poisoned. Strange but true.





Meanwhile, the Thief is equipped with a revolver and will unload half his rounds into a random target from the safety of the backrow. Since bullets count as physical attacks, this is bad news for Koudelka or James to the tune of 400-500 HP of damage. Meanwhile, Edward has become very powerful and mostly shrugs off bullet fire. That’s said, I’m not sure why three bullets from a human with seemingly some skill with a firearm are demonstrably weaker than bullets from the same gun fired by an upside down dude growing bonus heads...





The Thief somehow has the ability to completely dodge any and all magical attacks. They’ll always miss. The same cannot be said of stacks of barrels. They hate being set on fire! Everyone knows that.



So while Koudelka’s usual magical antics are worthless here, that Bowgun we gave her can be used to dish out some very respectable damage in the meantime. James is on the usual healing and buffing duty. It’s the only reason we keep him around, really.







Meanwhile, with the obstacles all out of the way, Edward is free to rush in close and get his Tekken on with the gunman. The Thief only has 2116 HP so he’s easy pickings once he’s vulnerable. That’s what you get for bringing a gun to a fistfight. At least in this game’s absurdly dumbass battle system.


Music: Level Up!



A three person beatdown on a raggedy looking dude with a pistol earns the party another double-level up for their troubles. If the party knew humans gave out so much EXP earlier, they’d have doubled back and kicked the shit out of that old couple ages ago instead of grinding sentient tumors, undead babies and stray cats like this.





The defeated thief also drops a handful of additional items. Such as another glass piece. What? You thought that one shard was just used to see the puzzle code? Pfft. No way. That’s yet another series of Key Items for a purpose we’ve yet to locate. So that’s pieces of a stained glass painting, a statue covered in jewelry, paper weight holders and a mummified corpse missing an arm...



Oh well, we also picked up an actual key. For once, we’ve seen where this can be used before acquiring it. What a change of pace.

Music: ENDS



Following the battle, we’re unceremoniously dumped back onto the upper balcony in front of the thief. He isn’t actually dead. We just need to interact with him to get another scene. The Thief actually does have a name. It’s “Alias” according to the game’s credits. I’m not sure if they were going with “Alias” because he’s a sneaky guy and probably uses assumed names. Or... if they just fucked up localizing “Elias.” Either is entirely possible...



Thief!
<cowers> Agh!
He's been sneaking around in the shadows and sniffing for treasure.
<lowers gun> Just like us.
I wouldn’t refer to anything we’re doing as “sneaking” so far.
And shooting down a chandelier then getting in a gun fight is...?
Hmm... Fair enough.



Well sir, explain yourself.
<continues to cower> Ugh.
It's as plain as day this ruffian's the bloodthirsty killer who's been chasing us! Where are you from!? Hamburg?
Vienna? Warsaw? The heart of darkest Africa? Speak, you dirty thief!
Hey, Father O’Flaherty... aren’t you Irish?
Quiet!
Not that it really matters. You’re obviously a dirty immigrant thief. Probably infected with cholera or something. Most of you are...
OK then...
Woah. Slow it down, Father...
None of your business... where I was born! You bastard! <holds chest and groans>
<jumps back to avoid immigrant cooties>



Look, I don’t really care where you were born. And I agree... heh... he is a bastard. But tell me... did you kill all these people?
Given how easy we got the best of you... let’s just say I am having my doubts...
Look... I'm an immigrant. I'm a thief and maybe I did drop a chandelier on you...
Dick move.
But that's just because I wanted all this pie for myself, you gotta—



SO YOU DID KILL ALL THESE PEOPLE!?
No... I swear to God...
<backs off>
......
<sits himself up and motions to James> Not your god, bigot!
<makes half-assed slapping motion but quickly backs off>
What do you mean?



It is the couple... the couple who look after this place...
What!?
I'm telling you the truth. I've seen 'em. I've been down here a long time! Usually they use an axe when they catch thieves. The thieves come down here unarmed – they’re stupid! They get caught from behind. I'd watch my back if I was you.
Unbelievable.
It’s extremely believable.
Completely checks out.
Hogwash!
No, I'm telling you. The lucky ones die on the first strike! I've heard the others screaming through the night, clutching their bellies, and find them in the morning dead! Nooooo! I'm telling you, their fingers to their hearts, right through to their organs will it be! Look... take it or leave it, but I'm telling you the truth. Those two... they’re Satan incarnate! I may look shady, but killing's not my style.
You just tried to kill us, swine.
...He’s got you there.
Mhm.
I was just trying to scare you off!
You... shot... me...
...Aggressively trying to scare you off. It doesn’t matter...
The more wholesome they look on the outside, the colder and uglier the heart is...
<points to James> Just look at him!
<feigns slapping motion again>



<laugh and back off>
Heh... yeah. Good assessment for a thief.
You're crazy if you believe this scoundrel. This killer's obviously executed hundreds of people. He needs to be turned in to the police and judged in the proper form.
Sure... Let’s just track down the nearest constable from the manor we’re breaking into in rural Wales. I’ll ask the next shambling corpse we run across to fetch him.
We're crazy? Why? Just because he's an immigrant? Or is it just because he is one of the un~saaaaved...? That's bull and you know it, you pig-headed old bigot!
What I’m told to—
I BELIEVE THIS GUY!
......
Thieves can be exceedingly honest, you know?
<stands up and looks at Alias> Still... He did try to kill us... For that...



And so Edward just dead ass executes the thief. Christ, dude. I know we’ve got a full three person party, but that seems kinda harsh. Good thing Edward never noticed Koudelka was fixing to stab him when they met before they got interrupted by that wolfman.

James runs over to Alias’s side.



What did you do that for!?
If our lives cease being threatened, then it’s a victory for God and all his glory, right? But if we go on letting them attack us, then the filthy godless pagans win.
......
<points gun at James> Which you would like to bet on?



And so we end this session with Edward bringing some fierce competition in the shittiest person in the party by murdering a man to prove a vague point dunking on religion and following it up by waving a gun in another party member’s face. Tune in next time when we forget any of this happened and get to opening some Red Key doors and looting corpses as Koudelka continues.






Video: Episode 11 Highlight Reel (You should watch these cutscenes.)





Koudelka Concept Art – Still need to grind up a some more before Koudelka unlocks her hand enlarging Limit Break.