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Episode XVII: Light Reading.
When last we left our heroine, she encountered a monster that could probably realistically be killed with a fork. Let’s see how that’s been shakin’…
Run away! RUN AWAY!
If you’ll turn your attention to the top right part of you’re screen, you’ll see a jaggy little anomaly jutting off screen. This is the head of that decapitated officer a bit down the hall. Originally, it was supposed to fall from the ceiling before the Licker was introduced. But, that was scrapped in lieu of fancy FMV antics.
Returning to the area, you can see it’s now gone.
He’s some Photoshop tomfoolery to make it more visible. Just a pointless nifty little thing. 
Claire flees into the next hallway until she is better equipped to deal with Captain Deepthroat.
Hey, this looks a bit familiar.
Yep. 10th Grade American History with Mrs. Burns. Those desks are really uncomfortable to try sleeping on. 
There’s a file which has materialized in the corner since Jill’s jog through this area. Just as an early warning, this update is file city.
Operation Report
Wasn’t that big firefight intro to Resident Evil 3 on the 27th? So the RPD was attacked and they just sort of shrugged it off as a fluke until the next evening?
1.) Set random fires.
2.) Hide all the keys behind and inside elaborate devices operated by emblems and jewels
3.) Write in our journals, diaries, and memoirs.
4.) Board up the RPD halls inside the building. Remember to remove them after 24 hours.
5.) Crash all police vehicles. Remember, vehicles must be totaled for operation to succeed.
Jesus…H…Christ… I did not just fucking read that… 
Wait… So they had this great plan to take all their weapons and ammunition and just toss them about like a heavily armed Johnny Appleseed. Only, they half-assed even that and just went ‘meh’, leaving half the supplies still in the weapon room.
Maybe these aren’t zombies at all. Maybe the citizens are just that fucking stupid…
“Quick, citizens! Into the evidence room. Take refuge next to the bags of cocaine!”
Other name candidates included Claw, Brain, Quimby . All were taken do to copyright reasons, sadly.
The back of the briefing room has, what else, but spare desks and suits of medieval armor.
Also, this little number of a bound nude woman. This is only a taste of how wonderfully creepy as fuck old Brian Irons is.
Unfortunately, there is little Claire can do there at the moment, so she continues onward.
Now we’re in familiar territory. I suppose the S.T.A.R.S. Office would be the place to look for wayward S.T.A.R.S. members.
The door to the evidence room demands another of these silly card themed keys.
The save room beneath the stairs is intact. Though, another new file has materialized in the exact same place the previous one was.
OPERATION REPORT 2
If you’ll remember the File that was here with Jill, it was written by that David fellow, chronicling his spin into alcoholism and his intent to turn his trusty shotgun on himself after the boring meeting. The boring meeting in which he was eaten alive by zombies. Poor David. 
The sad part is, they locked the door and hid the key before actually going underground. Boy, did they feel silly when they got to that point.
In any case, it seems there’s a clear objective now: A Sewer Level! I’m fucking enthralled by this news.
I didn’t mention this the first time through here, but the back of this save room features a small Dark Room, in which a handful of film found during the game can be developed for additional files. Resident Evil: making you work to see your poorly written notepads since 1998 and counting.
Hey…wasn’t that window smashed through yesterday? The heck is going on here?!
Claire climbs upstairs. In which she finds a bit of an addition to this statue Jill passed earlier. It seems some chap has added a gem to the statue’s hand. As well as lugged a pair of movable statues alongside it.
upon me is the only thing
that can release red soul.
That isn’t even proper English! Regardless, it means the statues have to be pushed into the slots aside from the statue so they face the central one.
Which, through some arcane writs, causes the statue to drop the jewel. Folks, we have just completed our first arbitrary puzzle of the game! 
I really do love puzzle pieces given before an actual puzzle, though.
While we’re here, the boarded up door has been replaced by another racist key lock.
Claire arrives in the S.T.A.R.S. Office. Which, hasn’t particularly changed since Jill’s encounter with the room.
Well, mostly. A new journal is found upon Chris’ desk. How very convenient.
CHRIS’S DIARY
“Right now I’m down to:
1.) Not returning my obsessive-compulsive sister’s calls.
2.) Asking the chief to listen to me between sessions of putting up his priceless artwork in storage and going to the bank to deposit his Umbrella stamped checks for him.”
“They were out of Orange Soda in the machine this morning as well! Damn you, Umbrella Inc.!”
By “help from Jill and Barry” he means “Jill and Barry found a classified document on top of a gumball machine”.
“P.S.
Sure hope she doesn’t come looking for me due to this. Jesus Christ, she’s in college. You’d think she would stop being such a weird ass clingy little thing.”
Beneath the journal, Claire finds the game’s first emblem.
We’re already off to a really fruity start, no?
The locker next to the communication station holds another nice little treat.
God bless the RPD was adverting terrorism.
One last little Easter Egg we have upon Wesker’s desk. Searching this 50 times (yes, 50) will result in…
A roll of film!
Satisfied with her stash and knowledge that journeying to Raccoon City has been a ridiculously large waste of time, Claire attempts to leave. Before she can, a fax fires up. Despite the phone lines being dead and communication, in general, being cut to the city, fax machines are still operation. Claire holds the urge to take a bat to the thing long enough to read the memo.
FEDERAL POLICE DEPT. – INTERNAL INVESTIGATION REPORT
So, the Chief is a bit of a rapist psycho with a passion for morbid bondage related artwork and taking blatant bribes from Umbrella. This guy is going to be just a gem, isn’t he?
Claire tucks away that little treat of info and heads back to the darkroom.
Using the roll of film gained by smashing my thumb, Claire receives…
Recruit
Honestly, I found her repair service to be a bit pricy. I also find the fact a roll of film featuring nothing but her in a skimpy high school basketball uniform in the desk of a guy 20 years her senior a bit creepy.
A bit perplexed by the people her brother was working for, Claire heads back the lobby fountain to stick this fanciful unicorn medal into it.
MOTHER OF GOD!
Narrowly escaping the touchy-feely zombie horde, Claire escapes down the hallway…
Only to make it into the Guiness Book of Records for recipient of hardest tittie twister.
These games are a bit misogynous, no?
The unicorn medal is returned to the fountain. Which, requires a FMV to move three inches. As this is before the time Capcom realized they could just put a physical model of objects that moved a foot and nobody would care much.
Glad someone had the foresight to hide a key inside a statue which could only be found if someone placed a medallion into a relief below it, causing the statue to move six inches, which in turn caused the key to be jettisoned from its hiding hole. I couldn’t think of a better security measure. Could you?
The Spade Key is put to use, revealing a room filled with files. Unfortunately, the intern who writes these up could only be coaxed into making one for this room. So here it is… Last one this update, I promise…
PATROL REPORT
“…then said to myself ‘why do I give a shit if someone is hanging in the sewers?’ and returned to drink myself to sleep.”
Apparently, this infiltrator just threw everything in the air, screamed, and fled into the night. About par for the course, at this point.
Further in the room, Claire encounters a crank. Can you tell the same scenario writers of this game made Code Veronica?
Satisfied with her haul, Claire returns to the S.T.A.R.S. hallway.
Little kids in action/horror settings… No good can come of this… Unless she gets horribly mauled by a beaver or something.
Tune in next time angry bald men, locked doors, and cross-overs in Episode XVIII: Going My Way?
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