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Episode XXIX: Deeper and Deeper
When last we left our heroine, she was hearing the last bits of a yarn Annette Birkin was spinning for her…
“See you next mission.”
“Come, my brothers! Viva la resistance! The end of the human world is nigh!”
Back in the present…
“So my sources tell me. I also heard one of those Umbrella agents survived laying face down in the water for a few days, before regaining consciousness and bolting through the monster filled RPD and hitching a ride on the roof with a helicopter. All while holding onto a sample of the G-Virus.”
“Alright, now you’re just making shit up.”
The next several scenes are wordy with an unmoving camera angle. I guess they spent their direction budget on the Hunk cutscene. So, enjoy these silly pictures to fill the dead air.
“I'd found the cure for 13 gunshot wounds. If only he’d held out to find the cure for the last three. That fool.”
So, William injected this thing into himself knowing full well he’d turn into not only a clawed eye filled oozing monstrosity of death, but also a rapetastic hentai monster out for his only child? Man, this family is fucked.
Alright, when you’ve created a monster who’s base instinct is “incest”, it’s time to go right the fuck back to the drawing board…
I hope you’re happy, Annette. Your daughter is getting violated by your mutie husband all because you happen to feel the need to tell your <fictional> life story to some girl you met five minutes ago in the fucking sewers.
“The way I just came and she clearly was not located!”
Annette runs off like a dope.
Umbrella scoffed at the idea of two separate bridges, instead employing a single rising, rotating bridge which must be operated by turning a detachable valve. Cutting edge, this company.
Of course, there’s no indication one would need to valve beforehand. So, it’s only a trivial eight area round trip backtracking to go get it out of the supply box.
Claire must also remember to send the bridge back up, lest she backtrack another score.
Really, this sewer complex has more legroom than the bulk of the above ground streets. Around the bend, Claire comes across something of interest.
In case of an emergency,
the red light will turn on
and the gas cylinder may
be removed.
Well, that sounds ridiculously unsafe. But, then again we just passed a rotating bridge over murky water with no guard rails. So, the safety standards must be Umbrella approved.
Claire follows the twisty path to the end.
A typical Saturday morning for Sherry Birkin.
BY THE BEARD OF LINCOLN!
So there was a goddamn giant alligator in that room the whole time? Was Birkin walking over it when he came and had his tentacle way with his daughter’s limp body? Fucking perverted reptile…
Run away! Run away!
Claire rushes back to the questionable safety of the gas canister.
What’s this?!
No! Not all at once, gator! Wasn’t Hook’s hand enough?
You’re not going to need those where you’re heading, buddy.
Claire returns to Sherry’s side.
Yes, that mosaic is a writhing phallus wiggling away from Sherry’s mouth. Yes, this subplot is completely fucked.
“Quit your bitching, kid. It’s not like your father impregnated you with its mutant seed or you were nearly eaten by a giant alligator. You big baby.”
Can’t let you do that, Star Fox!
Claire and Sherry proceed to the upper level.
I know you’re all jouncing for your File fix. Well, this dead fellow has both the final emblem piece…
And what you’ve been waiting for…
SEWER MANAGER DIARY
Didn’t we already do this file? All signs point to cocaine, mister Sewer Prince.
Yes, those great exploits of purchasing priceless works of art, storing them on tax payers’ dime, and bitching out everyone who got near them. A man of the people, that.
Well, thanks for the fucking incite into your drab, meaningless existence. You should write a novel.
Well, that and acts of torture, rape, and possible necrophilia. But, hey. Remember, all he’s done for this town.
Read: Get shot in the face.
Well, that was even more pointless than usual…
Claire puts the valve to one final use, by turning off the spinning industrial fan blades. Take that, Silent Hill.
The pair proceed through and find themselves where this sewer fiesta began.
The two venture to the emblem coin slot.
I’m sure these two young ladies smell just like roses. Still, nothing will beat Claire funk from her two weeks in Rockfort with the same clothes.
Of course, that spinning raising bridge didn’t have guard rails. But, the underground cavern passage does.
Well, what else would be beyond a sewer but a cable car. It’s like an amusement park. Only caked with the anguished dead’s moans.
Anyone want to tell me how the hell Dr. Birkin made it past this chasm without the cable car? Anyone?
I mean, really. You can’t even see the other brightly lit side, so it’s a pretty long ass distance. Assuming it isn’t that deep and he went it on foot, how on earth did he still catch up with the U.S.S. guys? Even if he managed to call the lift back in his shambling mutating state, Hunk’s team still ought to have had a massive lead unless they took a ten minute smoke break.
I couldn’t tell you why this is here. Or, why you’d need a lighter to ignite a device that launches flares. But, Claire lacks such an item.
Fuck abstract gameplay conventions, anyhow.
A dull set of utterly pointless corridors present themselves. It’s like Doom 3 with the lights on.
One dead end holds something interesting.
The Spark Shot. The Spark Shot is basically a glorified, ridiculous cattle prod with a ten foot range. It’s utterly worthless against 95% of monsters. Taking three shots to kill just a lone zombie. It does, however, works extraordinarily well against one foe, we’ll soon see.
“Sherry, could you stop squeezing my ass.”
The complex of hallways with dead ends for no apparent reason gives way to a final save room of this section.
Which, in turn, leads to a crummy old warehouse and a train yard on the apparent outskirts of town. Just how many miles did that rail car take us? Oh well, out of town, here we come.
For Christ sake…
To save a quick trip, the key is located, shockingly, right inside the train car on a key hook.
All aboard! Claire might not know how to operate a train, but she seems to be managing well enough with high explosives.
Eh?
Wait a goddamn minute…
Oh, for Christ sake! How do you stop this crazy thing?!
Heading straight down hundreds of feet with a child that’s going to erupt into some abomination of flesh in a few minutes. Great going, Claire Redfield.
Sherry passes out.
Uhh… Claire, that is not her forehead, you sicko.
Well, at least it doesn’t sound like a janitor doing a fake roar into a microphone anymore.
Claire heads for the door to investigate. As she is utterly moronic, as has been well established.
and access from the outside
will be prohibited
for a limited time.”
Having the knowledge that if there’s fifteen two headed ninjas with chainsaws out here, she’ll be trapped on the outside, Claire ventures forth like a tool anyway. I’m going to wager a guess she’s not attending Harvard…
A pipe is flung down at the Redfield sibling. Someone is being a bad sportsman.
The Hulk back in the late ‘80s when he couldn’t get a job.
The G-Virus decides that Willie needs a new head to keep up with the urban youth. That, or a face tit. I’m not sure.
Oh, and two foot long nails. Can’t forget that. When I think, “what would be a viable weapon to augment the fighting ability of my commercial killer mutants” I immediately think “really fucking long, sharp nails”. I then wander to thoughts of exposed oversized vital organs. But, that’s another story.
The real irony with all his new eyes? No depth perception.
Cornered and faced down with an unstoppable beast. Who’s Claire going to call upon for help? That’s right, Claire. Who ya gonna call?”
I think the answer is obvious. Just don’t cross the streams!
Darn it, I’ve got the theme music stuck in my head now.
Claire returns inside as the elevator lurches to a stop at the bottom.
“I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Tune in next time for police officers, asian chicks, catfights, and poor use of first-aid in Episode XXX: Officer Down!
Bonus Content
Claire Redfield – fast on her way to becoming the series’ Kenny:
Video
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