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Episode XXVIII: Parental Units
When last we left our heroine, she was fleeing into the sewers along with her prepubescent sidekick. With that said, let’s get on with the sewer stage…
Claire stops to space out for a moment while staring deeply at the wall.
Whoops… So much for that whole protection promise…
I think that kid deserves a twenty foot drop face first into a foot of disgusting human waste. Then again, I think that of most kids.
Claire isn’t about to go head first down a flood gate after her. So, we’re forced, once more, to play as young Ms. Birkin.
I’d have never know there were so many storage areas and offices in the sewers. I only thought spider monsters, mutant tortoises, and absurdly high random battle rates dwelled down here.
The ladder near where Sherry enters is locked at the top, so she is forced to find an alternate means of escape. Evading the lone zombie in the process, who’s taken it upon himself to puke up his stomach acids on the child instead of putting forth the effort of bending down to chomp on her head. Lazy prick…
A little girl sized ventilation hole gives way to an new path. Infested with man eating roaches. Just what any kid loves to encounter. The roaches attack for next to no damage, have a single attack of latching onto the character in question, and die in a single shot. Their biggest threat is if too many latch onto you, it’s an instant death. I can’t say death by roach bites is a particularly pleasant way to go…
The roach infested tunnel gives way to another dump. This one with something shiny for Sherry’s apparently poor ass to salvage.
Oh boy. An emblem! It’s been too long since I’ve seen one of these.
Picking up the key item by a sub-character is met with disapproval by the Emblem Gods, who cast the child into the abyss.
Or, another twenty foot drop into more trash.
The drop into relatively soft, compared to the concrete earlier, trash is enough of a blow to send Sherry into unconsciousness. Passed out defenseless children? Japanese game developers…? There’s only one thing that can come of this paring.
Violent tentacle rape incest.
Meanwhile…
Claire has been staring at the wall wondering what the fuck. She soon shrugs it off and continues on. Giving up the child for dead, once more. At least she tried…
The sewage filled passage gives way to…yet another office. This is what happens when you build a business district riddled with alleyways.
A file rests on the desk for Claire’s eager eyes…
SEWER MANAGER FAX
…you know all those design jokes in threads about how the poor people that live in these bases have to go past all these lava pits and water traps and such to get to work? Well, these guys actually do have trek through raw sewage every day to get to the office. No shitty platformer design to be explained off as ‘just being a game’. They must be foaming at the mouth for a position at Umbrella.
The side door in the room leads back to where Sherry was puked upon by a ghoul. A stock elevator, however, can take her to new locales.
Were this a RPG, she’d have gotten in six battles just to make it this far down the hallway.
It’s sort of sad this sewage system has wider corridors than most of Downtown Raccoon City…
If you’re playing along, march your ass back to the item box and pick up the Valve. You’re gonna need it, kiddo. Pfft. In game warning is for pussies.
Around the corner, Claire finds a pair of dead Stormtrooper cosplayers. Good riddance.
There’s our spider monsters. We’ve already had our overgrown insects and abominable mutant humanoid on a warpath. Now we just need a few lizard men and the cliché will be set.
Now, I could see if the door was directly parallel to the water flow and you’d have to shove your arm in there to turn the knob. But, there’s a sizable gap between the door and the rushing water. You’re telling me should couldn’t thrust herself past the current of dirty water falling fifteen feet?
An identification device requiring precious metals shaped as animals. Can you tell the same scenario writers for Code Veronica did this game?
Claire heads through a nearby corridor, just to the side of the waterfall, into the next area.
Claire is just not quick at the draw.
You’re not a lizard woman, but you’ll do…
Meet Annette Birkin. Loving mother. Compassionate wife. And hopped up on more pills than an over the hill celebrity.
“Well, wandering around in the sense that I lost her down a drainage pipe and she could very well be floating face down in human waste at the moment. But, details…”
This is a Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen.
Zany flashback of events the character telling the tale wasn’t even present for!
“Just follow the endorsement product placement. They really ran over budget down here.”
So, what was Billy B. going to do with his ‘precious G-Virus’ if he wasn’t giving it to Umbrella? That’s like inventing the light bulb, turning it on, and cackling over its glow in a room by yourself.
The pair of grunts pile into the room.
Speaking of light bulbs. Is there some company policy against lights in the lab area?
“Also, Pete has to use the bathroom. What is the deal with this town? The last one was in the rest station 20 miles outside town.”
“I do have this one thing I’ll let you have. It turns people into incredibly strong, inhumanly fast supermen with no mutations other than turning them British and cat eyes. The only downside is you have to die painfully for it to work first. It’s in the drawer by my Game Boy.”
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. This entire game was started due to an ill placed thermos of coffee…
Was it really necessary to send in a lethally armed squad to collect this virus and kill Birkin? What if the thing was a useless dud and they just let some goons gun down the lead researcher? I mean, they’ve got the T-Virus tuned up well enough that they can produce giant, relatively intelligent super soldiers like Mr. X and the Nemesis. Were they really hurting that badly for a new virus?
Billy B. still has an ace up his sleeve.
Annette apparently brushes by the Umbrella attack squad and rushes in.
“Gee, thanks. Hey, dear. I’ve got about fourteen other holes in me. Could you take care of those too while you’re at it?”
“One step at a time, honey.”
Should have gotten a divorce.
Elsewhere in flashbacks nobody present witnessed…
“Hey, Ralph. How are they going to get up from a half mile underground in one minute?”
Back at the labs…
Meanwhile, Will seems to have been able to produce a medical needle which hooks straight up with the vial of mutagen. Likely, through the power of science.
Back in the present…
Well, that’s handy. If it didn’t turn people into bloodthirsty gooey wrecks, I could almost see how it would be remotely useful in any sort of field.
Down in the sewers. Far longer than a minute later but still a few days ago…
Great job backing yourselves into a corner, boys.
Walter Sullivan claims another victim.
Dr. Birkin proceeds to chow down on some virus samples. He was a bit behind on his recommended calcium intake.
Mutants. Always with the high fives and what not.
Ah, yes. The old fire blindly while standing in place method.
I never understood why they phased that tactic out of military combat strategies.
“Eye’ll buy it at a high price…”
Tune in next time for giant alligators, detachable penises, and more mutation madness in Episode XXIX: Deeper and Deeper
Bonus Content
Sherry is eaten alive by roaches. Rating M for Mature:
Video
Hunk and pals done fucked up: (Warning - This runs slightly past this update)
Video
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