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Episode III: The R.P.D. Prequel/Sequel - Electric Boogaloo.
Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she’d just seen her chicken shit teammate involved in some hard sexual assault that will likely take years of counseling to get over. With that said, let’s continue…
It’s been a bit of a spell, hasn’t it? Where were we, anyhow…
“Ho, it like love at first sight. Ima show yo bootie mah hand ain’t the only place that’s got a tentacle. If you knows what I sayin’.”
Oh, right. God, why did I decide to do another silly head addition photoshop to a villain.
Anyway, Jill has to make a quick decision as to how she’s going to handle this situation.
She picks the hidden third option and distracts the Nemesis with smooth break dancing skills. He can’t help but give in to the funk.
The creature, momentarily distracted, gives Jill time to come to Brad’s side.
*yoink*
Wallet pilfered, Jill flees inside.
Well, the R.P.D. sure is roomy. All halls of justice need a gigantic emblem of their establishment, I say.
Jill walks forward a few paces. A jolt comes behind her as the monster begins smashing on the door.
“Yo don’t know whatchu missing out here, honey! Come on, the Nem Train is a smooooth ride.”
The Nemesis gives up after a few moments, returning to his crib to read up on how to work those broke ass ‘door knob’ things that are popular these days.
With a minute to breath after that harrowing encounter, Jill checks out her stash she raided off the blood soaked pocket of her teammate.
I’d say it was worth the effort.
Right, then. The door to Jill’s right is boarded up. Jill won’t be exploring much of the RPD. Some nice fella is going to come around to remove all these pesky boarded doors tomorrow morning, I hear. That’s good.
Jill tucks away her new stash and carries on.
The last time I bailed my drunk friend out of County it wasn’t nearly this elaborate.
And who puts the front desk behind the fountain statue? This is just silliness. 
Anyhow, not much is going on out here. But Jill can, however, slip that card she looted off her former comrade’s rotting corpse and save herself a bit of backtracking.
I guess this place has the same emergency protocol as Rockfort Island.
“Sir, there’s an emergency. What to we do?!”
“HIDE THE KEYS! SCATTER THE EMBLEMS!! SET THAT DESK ON FIRE!!”
Code in hand, Jill enters the only other available door in the lobby. Don’t think you’re being shortchanged. Other people will be seeing a LOT of this place in the future.
Jill finds herself in the main work area of the force. Looks like someone’s party is getting canceled. Or, perhaps their production of the Wizard’s Apprentice part of Fantasia…
“Dah dah dah dah dah! HEY! Dah dah dah dah dah! HEY!”
That’s not stopping the zombies, though. Those kooky funsters.
Jill evades the line of sloshed dancing zombies and ducks into a side room. Here, she finds the second of two living black men in Raccoon City.
He’s been fatally wounded by zombies. He appears to be holding something in his hand.
That’s right, he’s not dead. Jill just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about her former colleagues, as shown with the tons of aid she gave Brad against the Nemesis. Anyhow, File time!
MARVIN’S REPORT
Valuable jewels being stolen from a public area? Now who could have seen that coming?
“All their resources on this ‘outbreak’. Am I the only real police officer left in this town?! Petty theft shall not evade the long arm of justice!”
He was poorly retelling jokes he saw in Maxim magazine. Douchebaggery syndrome is highly frowned upon in these parts.
Marvin is a strangely overly developed extremely minor character. He’ll feature more prominently in Resident Evil 2. He also had a large role in one of the scenarios in Resident Evil: Outbreak - File #2 (that’s a mouthful). In which you see how he initially got his ass kicked by zombies (basically running into them in the front lobby like a moron).
So, heavily injured and the last living officer in the building, Marvin dragged his half dead ass into this side room so he could review his petty crime case he’d been investigating well into the zombie outbreak…
Dedicated officer, that.
Jill turns down the zombie’s offer to dance and passes into the next room.
She finds herself in the evidence room. With it’s ridiculously large containers. Cpt. Mendez was unbeatable in the Precinct Hide and Seek at the Policemen’s Ball by hiding in one of these containers. Until the hatch closed one year and he suffocated. He was found curled up in own wastes a week later. He survived by his wife and two daughters.
Anyhow, that glowing red evidence locker which could fit a medium sized child inside, an EXPLOSIVE child, holds the aforementioned gem. Nifty.
Jill rounds the other side of evidence lockers. Only one is apparently being used. I guess there was a big raid on weapons and coke.
The previous number goes in here. Don’t think you can use the same number every time. It’s randomized between three or four different numbers each playthrough, as is most things in this game.
Anyhow, Jill receives the “Emblem Key”. This game is sort of a dick in its method of giving key items.
Now, if Jill examines it, she’ll notice the S.T.A.R.S. Emblem atop it this time.
It’s now labeled the S.T.A.R.S. key. Since, apparently the first time Jill just felt around, grabbed the first thing she felt, and shoved it in her skirt pocket while picking her teeth.
The same goes for the Blue Gem, which after examining, becomes noted as being a “Sapphire”. Sure, the original game worked like that, but all the inventory items were 3D models and not a drawn picture. Does any of this matter? Nah.
You deal with me you deal with my half crazed ranting on trivial details! 
With precious little left to idle herself with, Jill ventures into the next area on the opposite side of the room.
Which brings her to yet another hallway. The RPD is composed about about 60% hallways. Not a single bathroom, however.
A stairway is found at the end of the hall as well as another door.
But, Jill decides to duck into the doorway beneath the staircase.
Jill finds herself in yet another shiny save room. The Blue Gem Sapphire can be launched into the item box, as well as Brad’s icky ID Card. Hold onto the S.T.A.R.S. Key.
“But wait, Id, I ran from the Nemesis and never got Brad’s ID.”
You’re a pussy.
Anyway, there’s another sexy File to be had on the table here.
DAVID’S MEMO
“I’m sorry, Oscar, I failed you.”
“Though, I had the strange urge for barbeque. I wonder what that’s all about.”
This man knows what’s the deal with a zombie outbreak.
Sadly, during said meeting, he gets mauled and ripped to shreds by a mutant. No, really. That’s what happened to him. 
Jill shoves the little memo in between her cleavage and heads back out toward the S.T.A.R.S. room.
“But wait, I still don’t have that key. What do I do?!’
Fine, fine. Remember that door Jill just skipped? Head in there. If you already got the card and key, you’re good to go. Do not head this direction.
Jill will find herself in a Cerberus filled hallway. Alternatively, there will be a mob of zombies piling down the corner.
She ducks into a nearby conference room. How does she know that? She worked here. Why would she need a map?
Anyone have those kind of desks in high school? Those things were made by sadists.
A shiny object is on the desk near the front of the room.
“So that’s where I left my license! Don't drive out of the city with no license, you'll get pulled over, I tell myself.” 
Too bad Jill hadn’t stuck around and gave some of her zombie slaying wisdom to the uniformed troops. Maybe, things would have gone better for the men and women of the RPD.
“It’s that simple…”
Now go backtrack to the front lobby, you jerks. Everyone else that stole from the dead gets to go upstairs now.
I’d like to add, that Jill is fully capable of walking on stairs on her own accord, not with a button prompt like the later released on superior hardware Code Veronica. What’s your excuse, Capcom?
At the top of the stairs, Jill travels down another lonely hallway, past another wildly out of place statue. That door she passed is inaccessible as well, so don’t ask.
The hallway ends upon…another hallway. But hey, at least she found her own office.
The door at the end of the hall is boarded up as well. Also, a bit of previous game foreshadowing. 
The S.T.A.R.S. office finally presents itself. Wait…this is it? They stuffed a team with formerly 13 members (retconned into 14) in a room that’s maybe twice the size of the sub-staircase backroom?
The fax machine slightly down and left of Jill’s rack has yet another File. Can’t get enough.
FAX FROM KENDO GUN SHOP
“Though, he did add crappy camera angles were a valid excuse.”
Jill is currently equipped with this number. It is less than impressive. The same gun, going by the “Samurai Edge” moniker, appears as a special handgun in the Resident Evil Remake with a high critical (head explosion) chance. 
We’ll meet this fellow briefly in Resident Evil 2. Very briefly…
Jill decides to take one last look around the old place.
“I can totally take this unarmed guy that can bend steel with a pipe.”
“Oh shi—“
Jill updates the S.T.A.R.S. memorial tally. Man, Rebecca looked bad back when she was sporting the bald look.
It’s like they knew Wesker wasn’t really dead. Despite obviously consolidating the post Resident Evil 1 massacre of over half the team, they still kept Wesker’s old desk in, even with all the surviving members knowing he was a backstabbing asshole that lead them to slaughter.
Though, Brad doesn’t have a desk. So, at least they have their priorities straight.
A pair of replica guns are on the desk.
Barry Burton, ever the NRA stereotype.
Next over, we have Jill and Chris’ desk. Chris has the jacket from his original game Alternate Costume on the wall. Jill’s desk has her Resident Evil 1 beret on it. As well as this bad voice acting joke that’ll never get old.
“You can unlock my pants any time, baby”, was the RPD official greeting of Officer Valentine.
It’s disorganization probably reflects the owner’s personality. …or lack there of.
Next over, we have Rebecca Chambers’ desk, shoved into the corner. Nobody likes Rebecca Chambers. Why they gave her a lead role in a game, I’ll never know. Her medic sidepack is hanging on the wall. It even has a first aid spray in it. Spiffy.
One final goodie in the room.
Twenty minutes in and we’ve already got the Boomstick and Dirty Harry Special.
I never understood why this game got so much flank.
A trip down memory lane: Resident Evil 1 style finished and tool of the unlocking master in tow, Jill heads back out the door.
A conveniently timed radio message. That can only mean one of three things:
1.) Time for a silly plot point.
2.) Time for foreshadowing of the obligatory obnoxious sidekick.
3.) The Hamburgler has joined the ranks of the undead.
Jill gets to work doing what any well seasoned Resident Evil character does best: pressing random buttons and hoping something works.
Luckily, the right combination of switches are flicked and buttons pressed. The radio crackles in a weak signal.
Looks like it was option two. We’ll meet this Carlos fellow soon enough. Don’t worry, he’s pretty much Proto-Luis and not Beta-Steve.
Jill heads back downstairs. On her venture down the stairs, she hears glass smashing in the distance. Also, the music takes a turn from quiet eerie to decidedly sinister.
Well, I guess it was nothi—
SWEET MERCIFUL BOB ROSS’ GHOST!
“Bitch, Ima be picking glass from my ‘fro for five weeks now. You’d best have a snatch like a eight year old or me and Betsy gonna hafta play rough.”
“Meet Betsy. She likes it hot.”
Yes, that mutant was equipped with a fucking rusty blood covered rocket launcher. No, there is no indication where he’d get such a device. Fuck yes, Jill is running. Luckily, it seems the creature falls prey to the one thing that thwarts all Resident Evil monsters not appearing in cutscenes: doors.
Shit! It’s like the giant zombie version of the raptors from Jurassic Park!
Run away! RUN AWAY!
Jill runs right the fuck out of the RPD and doesn’t look back. You can’t go from mindless zombie humans and dogs and leap right up the latter to RPG wielding super mutants. This is madness!
Oh, shut the fuck up! I’m so sick of hearing that!
Hey, what happened to Brad? Eh, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.
Jill says goodbye to the R.P.D. for good and reenters the night of Raccoon City.
What will await ahead?
Tune in next time for giant bugs, property damage, and sleazy Latino mercenaries, next time in Episode IV: Mencia.
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