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Episode IX: Doom Train.
When last we left our heroine, she was getting chased by a mutant who thinks he’s a blaxploitation character who think’s he’s a Californian governor. With that said, let’s get shakin’…
Since we’re in the neighborhood, let’s go check on how old Fatso from the beginning is doing.
But along the way, that shiny new crank gets some use.
I always tell my kid to go play in the back behind the bar next to the grenade storage closet when I'm busy.
Jill heads further into the city.
If there’s a giant pair of ears around this corner, I’m quitting.
False alarm. Jill, being the massive frigid bitch she is, just watches as the young woman flees for her life from a horde of the undead.
Jill follows behind in a leisurely pace.
Jill Valentine: Walking Death Sentence.
Jill enters the warehouse.
That can’t be good…
The traditional greeting to guests is administered.
So much for that whole, “I’d rather starve to death…” thing.
Jill checks out the closet Fatso was camping out in.
Geez, I was only gone for like two hours… Anyway, he left a blood soaked diary before venturing out to become an ironically delicious meal.
DARIO’S MEMO
You’re ugly, middle aged, fat, and everyone that could remotely tolerate you is dead or ditched you. You’ve got so much to live for, champ.
Probably because you were living in her basement until you were 32.
Hiding like a sniveling coward in a musty warehouse and having his guts torn out and devoured by zombies. Truly, a tragic end.
Though, to be fair, Jill was kind of a bitch just leaving the front door wide open.
Jill makes her way back downtown.
Upon coming to the parking garage for the umpteenth time, a small earthquake hits the building.
It soon passes, leaving Jill to enter her standard issue. 
pose and look around like someone owes her something.
Good God! The series’ plot holes are spilling out into reality!
A rather tense situation, indeed. One that could have entirely been avoided if Jill didn’t stand in place looking around like a dope. So, I cannot say I have a lot of sympathy for her.
Though, lacking the upper body strength to hoist herself up, her hooters are luckily useful as a floatation device in case of emergencies.
Speaking of which, time for the game’s most pointless drama bomb.
A pair of crates with wheels on them which just happen to be stick out the back of an open van which just happens to have boards for ramps which just happen to be aimed at the hole Jill just happened to have fallen into. It’s a slightly forced perilous situation…
While they’re going slow enough a chubby 12-year old could easily climb up and evade them, Jill decides upon the infinitely more 
route.
Despite having years of training in combat situations and rescue missions, Jill still manages to land in the single most awkward way she could muster, which undoubtedly would break both her legs leaving the crates to topple down and crush her.
But for the sake of narrative, we’ll assume she just shrugged it off, backed up a bit, and made it without a scratch.
And I was impressed with the one time I clogged the toilet with a single steamer. This one takes the cake…
Latched onto Jill’s money maker is a new enemy, the “Sliding Worm”. What you see is basically their whole deal. They latch onto their target, suck some blood, and eventually they’ll automatically get swatted off. Their big brothers will be a bit more of a threat…
Who builds a sewer system with only a foot of concrete between the surface and the underground anyhow? This city! 
Ms. Valentine finds herself back on the surface a whole…single load screen away from where she began. Thanks, Capcom. Keep stacking on these twenty second delays and you might muster a whole ten minutes of extra playtime.
Jill continues along the beaten path. Slaying the occasional spooky respawning enemy along the way. Just because they’re smashing through a window or leaping through a door or erupting from a urinal or a vending machine explodes and a zombie pops out doesn’t fool me from seeing respawning. 
Well, here’s a bundle of joy.
What’s this?!?!
!!!!
I’m starting to think that explosion in the restaurant might have fried poor Nemmy’s circuits…
Jugs Valentine evades the POWER LEVEL OVER 9000!! *gets shot*
Continuing along, yet another earth quake hits her.
Not learning her lesson of fucking moving from the first go around, things end about as well as can be expected.
Though, she upgrades from a position that would break both her legs to just straight up face planting. Our heroine for the whole game, folks.
Pulling herself to her feet, the wall behind Jill begins to shake and crack.
This will be a lesson Jill will need to have pounded into her head, it seems.
The horrible lesson of the STD!
Right then. Part 1 Mini-Boss: The Grave Digger!
The Grave Digger comes out of the holes in the wall and bites Jill if she comes near. It really hurts. And err… *rubs neck* Well you shoot it when it comes out… After you shoot it a bunch it retreats…
Yeah, this wasn’t exciting in Code Veronica and it ain’t here either. Though, it can be really fucking hard since it’s more you’re fighting shitty camera angles and tank controls than the giant teethed vagina.
It seems that it’s not
functioning due to
lack of power.
Why the devil they’d have an emergency ladder on an independent power source is beyond me. Sure, it works for this crappy little mini-boss. But, what if there were construction workers down here and there was a fire? Sure, they could escape. But first they need to flip the switch at both ends of the tunnel to lower it. What? There was a cave in between there? Tough shit!
Why is a ladder even on a power source in the first place?! That defeats the whole purpose of a ladder!
This fucking series is going to give me an aneurism by the time I finish it…
Ms. Valentine finds herself exactly where she was going. Sans a few herbs and a third of her ammo.
Jill returns to the cable car. Shockingly, no more random mutants leaping out of the woodwork.
In go the mixed oil and the fuse alongside the three temple prizes from across Hyrule and away we go.
Carlos’ dopey ass shows up just in the time. There was about a fraction of a percentage chance Jill was going to wait for him.
“Yeah, we are. Thanks for helping out on that, by the way. You’re really friggin’ swell.”
“I’m sorry, Nicholai didn’t make it.”
“There was an accident. I lost Nicholai.”
“Uhh… Nicholai’s ass…? It’s dead.”
Pick which one is closest to Jill’s response. 
Five seconds of silence… Glad to see old Nicholai was a popular fellow.
The two shuffle into the next room.
Well, yeah. It’s prerendered. Carlos, you look friggin’ awful.
The train churns to life and the huge fire with burning 18-wheeler blocking the path conveniently vanish.
Seconds along in their ride, a heavy quake shakes the whole carriage.
I’m sorry, but that’s what the man said.
“Aren’t you going to check on your teammate?”
“I’m driving the train.”
“The one you’re facing away from?”
“I’m good at multi-tasking.”
Since Carlos is fucking worthless, Jill is forced to go check up on the half dead guy in the back car.
This is why you don’t teach the mutants to speak. It’s like when a baby learns its first words and won’t shut the hell up saying it for the next two weeks…
Jill does what any rational person would do and drops Mikhail like a bad habit.
“Wait, you can stand up and speak in complete sentences…? Hey, that’s not blood at all! It’s ketchup! You were faking all along! This guy’s a big faker!”
“Sure, I’m not sticking around with a faker. Faker.”
Jill leaves the faker behind. Things switch to uncanny valley mode.
With Mikhail’s ammunition depleted and his rifle ineffective against the newly powered up Super Nemesis X, will he be able to survive Nemesis’ vicious counter attack?! And will Jill Valentine be able to escape the cable car in five minutes before it explodes?! Find out on the next episode of Resident Evil N: Mikhail’s Sacrifice and Nemesis’ Defeat!
Last time on Resident Evil N, Mikhail’s ammunition was depleted and his rifle proved ineffective against the newly powered up Super Nemesis X! Now, standing face to face with the deadly monster from the U Corporation, will Mikhail be able to survive?!
Mikhail’s Sacrifice and Nemesis’ Defeat!
“Six minutes of grunting and exposition!”
“Five minutes of powering up attack!”
“Five minutes of taunting!”
“Three minutes of panting and close up surprised eyes!”
“Two minutes of internal monologue!”
“Two minutes of bragging about power of next attack!”
“Two minutes straight of yelling!”
“Ten seconds of shocked look while missing half of my torso!”
“A minute of being sad about a character I met an hour ago.”
That’s quite enough of that…
You mean a giant explosion in the back of the train, where the big console Jill took a hour putting back together was located, has ill effects on the rest of the train? Shocking development.
With the train out of control, Jill has to make a quick decision. Leaping out of a train careening out of control going forty miles an hour down a wrecked street. Or hitting the breaks.
What tipped you off?
Carlos is heard smashing through a window in the background. As he is a moron.
Sure, Jill crashes too, but at least she’s in a sturdy vehicle and won’t have the undead feasting on her should she get knocked out in the crash. Unlike Carlos, who likely slammed into a car, split his head open, and is how having his brains torn out and sucked down by an undead insurance salesman.
And with that, we find women should never drive any vehicle. Ever.
Bonus Content
The end of Part 1 of the game:
Video
With that, we end Part 1 of Resident Evil 3: Nemesis. Tune in next time for:
Part 2 – The Clock Tower
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