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Episode XX: Dayvan Cowboy
Welcome back to the exciting second act of our ongoing series. When last we left our heroes, they had fled from the angry mob, which could likely have been downed by a single grenade, into the relative safety of an inescapable medieval castle. What peril awaits the pair in this new locale? Let’s find out.
This place somehow looks about fifty times bigger on the inside.
Luckily, the Merchant was able to escape the horde as well and set up a little mom and pops store for patrons fleeing from the many outside. Swell guy.
Skip the following if you’ve already played the game or don’t care to hear about dull gameplay mechanics.
The Merchant actually has a ton of new wears to peddle at this venture, so it’s best to go shopping if you’ve not in some time.
The Attaché Case (L) is now available and should be purchased before anything else. The price is a bit steep, but the extra space is well worth it.
The Blacktail, Broken Butterly, and Riot Gun are now available for purchase.
The Blacktail and the Red 9 are the toss-ups for best pistol. Each has their pros and cons and mostly come to preference. The Blacktail is weaker as far as power goes but fires shots at a rate comparably fast with the TMP when fully upgraded (Blacktail: 0.27 TMP: 0.10 Red 9: 0.40 Maxed). It has the quickest reload time in the game as well. It also has a larger bullet capacity (Blacktail: 35 to Red 9: 22 maxed). Lastly, it’s far more compact. (Blacktail: 3x2 taking up six spaces. Red 9: 4x2 taking up 8 spaces plus stock 3x1 taking up three spaces. Total of 11 spaces with stock)
While, all this makes the Blacktail seem the clear winner, the Red 9 has one clear advantage: fire power (Blacktail: 3.4 Exclusive. Red 9: 5.0 exclusive.) Basically, you get more bang for your buck. Also, with the stock you’ve got a mid range sniper rifle with pistol ammo. Both weapons have their merits. I prefer the Red 9 for style purposes.
The Broken Butterfly (edit: correction) is the best magnum in the game. If only for the reload. Maxed out, it has a beast fire power of 50.0, making it far and away the strongest non-special weapon in the game. However, you’ll receive a free one rather easily soon enough, so don’t bother purchasing one at this point.
The Riot Gun is superior to the Shotgun in most every way and you should sell off what you have now in favor of this upgrade. They even use the same amount of space, so no reorganizing. I’d upgrading it little, however, as you’ll get a far superior, though less stylish, shotgun later in the game.
The Semi-Auto rifle is now available as well. It is superior to the Bolt Action Rifle in just about every way. Bigger shot capacity, no lag between shots, more fire power. If you’re like me, and enjoy the bolt action, stick with that. Otherwise, sell off the bolt action, or buy your first rifle, if you’ve held off. You’re going to need it soon enough. There’s also a scope available. But, like with the bolt action, it’s largely useless as the one you’re equipped with by default will do in any situation the game throws at you, unless you’re playing on a teeny-tiny baby television set. Society already frowns upon you for this. Get with the times. 
The Mine Thrower is a novelty. It fires sticky explosives. Which, work well if you peg the guy in the middle of a group and splash kill the bunch. But, unless you really suck at judging grenade throws, you have no use for this. Ammo is scarce, you don’t have the room to accommodate the weapon, and it’s just not that great.
Not to say it doesn’t have some chuckles behind it.
Well, the purchase decisions are up to you. Most weapons have a good amount of upgrading available as well. Spend those hard earned tax refunds.
Resuming with playthrough
This place looked way nicer in the brochure.
Leon and Ashley spy chanting robed figures on the balcony.
Without a second thought, Leon sparks yet another international incident. 
Nice little set-up they have here, at least.
Elsewhere
Boss, those guys we’re after. They’re here!
They’re in our base. They’re killing our dudes!
What do you want us to do?
Ready the catapults.
But, we’re suppose to capture the gi--
FIRE THE CATAPULTS!
'kay...
JESUS CHRIST!!
Run away! Run away!
Finding nearby safety from the barrage, Leon dumps Ashley off. Unfortunately, the developers seem to forget about the ‘stuff the twit in a dumpster’ mechanic at this point.
Up top, the cultists are fast at work setting up the next round of catapults. Using giant rocks alone is beneath them. They need to set them on fire as well.
This backfires a bit.
Leon goes to work taking out the assortment of nasties. Just as he racks up his last jihad martyr, trouble reveals itself.
“Yo, Lenny. I bagged me a white girl!”
“Daaaaamn.”
“You playa hatin’, son? You tryin’ to deny my boy some ghetto booty?”
His street cred in jeopardy, Leon thinks back to the lessons taught to him by Grandpa Sera between Acts…
Yes, for no reason whatsoever, Leon decides to replace his midkick attack with a suplex. And it is awesome.
Ashley is quickly retrieve from the clutches of the urban youth. Up above, Leon comes upon a large locked gate.
Oh, so now you decide explosives are in order instead of dicking around with fetch quests for five hours.
Luckily, there’s a readily available solution to this crazy predicament.
Why the singular actual cannon they had was aimed directly at the only gate in the area or even inward toward the castle in the first place? Well, you know the drill.
The two proceed down the newly opened path.
“Why did you do that? Do you know the amount of complaints I’m gong to get to the Better Business Bureau?! How am I going to explain this?”
Oh Merchant, you card you. Old Merchant has an upgrade for the Riot Gun if you’re into that sort of thing. Nothing else, though.
Hunnigan decides to give a call
Ainaveltsac, Notspain.
Our princess wasn’t even here!
It should be noted that every time Leon pronounces “Los Illuminados” he does it in the tone of someone spitting out a nasty piece of food.
They had a ‘No Solicitors” sign up front. But, Leon’s above that ‘reading’ nonsense.
The transmission is suddenly cut.
Oh calm down, the end of the sentence was probably “…get out of there.”
So we say farewell to Ingrid Hunnigan. Most useless radio person this side Metal Gear 1 Big Boss. 
The new area presents itself. Hey, what’s that?
Did they really need to bling out the sword to appeal to the urban hip-hop demographic?
Sadly, the Bling Blade cannot be used. Leon proceeds upstairs.
The Cultists will have none of that.
While Leon is kicking their asses, let’s have a short discussion on the new brand of Ganado, the “Zealots”.
The Zealots are largely the same as the Villagers were. Only significantly more creepy and spaced out, mindless chanting "Muere, muere, muere" (Die, die, die) and "Morir es vivir" (To die is to live.) All have an albino sort of thing going on and occasionally they’ve got some Kratos type tattoos kicking.
Their weaponry is upgraded from crude farming tools to medieval weaponry such as scythes, flails, (flaming) crossbows, spiked wooden shields, and rocket launchers. One of these things does not belong with the others.
Some also wear bulletproof helmets making the usual affair of decaps and headshots impossible. Which is where mean wrestling techniques come into play.
Also, they have this cute ability:
Giant worm head biting Plagas head poppers. These have a shorter range than the blade head variety, however, head shots don’t stun or slow their advance. Also, on Professional they can bite your fucking head off when they feel like it.
Fun stuff.
Upstairs, Leon finds yet another impractical sword. Could it be…
..
Will Resident Evil 4 take a nod back to its early development roots…?
..
Nope, it’s a simplistic swap puzzle. Rats.
Leon and Ashley wander aimlessly back outside.
“I refuse to pronounce your name with an accent!”
The smooth beats of Barry White softly begin to play.
Your balls? No, they’re there. They’re just the size of an infant's.
And promises up to 150% penis growth. Guaranteed!
“Not brushing and flossing twice a day?”
Why do you still have that stupid scarf tied around your neck?
The effects could be dire if left unchecked.
Leon was completely zoned out during Saddler’s monologue a few updates back.
Leon from behind: “That Luis has one fine ass.”
Actually, Luis isn’t quite sure how he was morphed from ‘token sleazy lady’s man sidekick’ to ‘token reformed scientist guy’ himself.
Luis wanders off to the next plot device, leaving Ashley and Leon with another locked gate
Time skip!
There we go.
The next area is significantly more lavishly furnished. Though, I’m not sure about this bizarre ambience music they included.
Think The Joker if he inhaled a bunch of helium.
“Sorry about the laughter. I was watching this show on Comedy Central. ‘Dur-dah-durr.’ Comedy gold. Hoho.”
Meet Ramon Salazar; an albino midget dressed up as Napoleon Bonaparte and named after a low level 
villain. He will be our new nemesis for some time, now that Bitores is gone.
“I prefer the manzier!”
While, you can’t see it in a screen cap, think back to the original Resident Evil and the way they flailed their arms about while speaking. Now, picture this little guy pacing about making hand gestures in a similar fashion. You’ll have Salazar’s public speaking skills.
“Hah! Jokes on you! Currency is the peso in Notspain! I’m worth like 1000 of those! Wait…Mr. Scott…?”
Ramon and his two buddies go back to giggling at Mind of Mencia or whatever he’s doing back there.
They prefer the term “little people”. Don’t be rude.
Assuming what’s-his-face doesn’t drop it while running like a woman again.
What evil deeds does the diabolical new nemesis of small stature and ridiculous campiness hold for the pair? Will they find the cure to the something or other that’s wrong with them? You won’t find out in Episode XXI: Vega: The Wolverine Shredder
Bonus Content
Meeting with Salazar:
Video
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