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That’s what it says and I’m sticking to it.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to thread number two of our ongoing series.
*tips hat*
The first thread can be located here:
First Thread
Formalities aside, let’s carry on where we left off.
Episode XXVI: Non-Sequitur
When last we left our hero, Leon Kennedy had been reunited with his half-wit escortee, Ashley Graham, after a tense, but ultimately rather dull romp playing as her. Now, the two prepare once again to escape from Ramon Salazar’s crazy trap filled castle. With that said, let’s begin…
Before having a chance to so much as smack Ashley’s dumb ass around for all that nonsense, Salazar phones in with another crank call.
Wait…there’s a camera in this room? Why the hell did it take you all so long to find her then?! It’s been over an hour since she was in that thing.
Audience…?
Ramon Salazar’s production of ‘The Famous History of the Life of King Henry the Eighth’. Leon was cast as 'Sentry at Attention #3'.
“I’m already in on this 4 Resident Evil project.”
Leon launches into a riveting pantomime.
Salazar is less than impressed and returns to flipping trap switches, watching people in hidden cameras, and masturbating six times a day.
There’s a long passage that leads to the next area, but we need to take a most important sidetrip right now.
Remember that path hall before the steel cage match we passed up? Probably not. Well, there is one and we’re heading back there.
It leads to a rather uneventful sideroom.
Which has a locked door we can now open, leading to where Leon ended his promising high school football career a few updates back.
From here, we can head back to that locked area with the giant NEED A SECOND PERSON notice. Since we have such a person.
Not to mention Leon is always up to looking up skirts.
Access is granted. There’s a load of treasure and cash to be had in here. But that’s all unimportant. What is important is…
Now we’re cookin’ with gas.
Dirty Harry special in tow, the pair head back to the area following where we began.
A most peculiar mode of transportation is found here which will take us to the most out of place area in the game.
Leon ditches Ashley out in the open in an area just filled with people trying to capture her. Nice guy. Then again, she’s not remotely awesome enough to ride…
The Fantabulous Magma Transversing Gearmatic Device! ™
Leon steps off the outlandish device and finds himself…
Shit…walked onto the wrong set again… Now where have I seen a place like this…
I’m sure it’s not important…
Those dragon statues, of course, are fully rigged to breath fire. They could furnish a whole battalion of lackies with firearms for what they’re blowing on this mess.
Though, shooting Quan Chi off the back of these things reveal a fatal flaw.
That being their apparently suspended by guy operating it holding on really hard.
There’s also a spinning cage platform for no particular reason here as well. No enemies go on it. You can’t fall off. No climatic showdown over molten lava with some abomination. Just…spinning cage…
Leon jogs right along, blowing smoke at any enemies that should bother him.
One final fire breathing statue rider guards the treasure chest Leon desires. This one is wearing one of those fancy bullet proof helmets.
Unfortunately, he neglects the fact that a shot anywhere else will send him tumbling into the hot death below. Such is the life of cannon fodder.
Da-la-la-la-da-la-la-da-la-la-la-lalalala.
Duh-duh-duh-daaaaah! *five pages of description*
With all three pieces of that chimera emblem now in his possession, Leon heads back to find Ashley brutally raped and murdered by gypsies. 
Luckily, it was only her stunt double Mel. Continuing down the corridor past the crazy Temple of Doom set piece, the two find…a roller coaster trolley.
A shame Six Flags Notspain is getting shut down the end of this fiscal year due to poor admissions sales.
If you set aside the horrible death traps, giant flesh melting bugs, cultist locales, and the quirky mascot, it has some decent rides.
The roller coaster is nice enough to bring them to exactly where they needed to use the puzzle pieces. How thoughtful.
An abstract rendering of Salazar losing his virginity.
The path is revealed. Huzzah.
It doesn’t surprise me that little rascal ran off to ride rollercoasters immediately after we first met him. You can almost picture him giddy with excitement as he gets on, the two giant robed monsters behind him sighing and rolling their horrible mutant eyes as this is the twelfth time today they had to go through this.
If you’ll notice in the background, our castle apparently had kids when we weren’t looking. Oh well, off to the next chateau.
They both flash their tops at the end of the ride for the picture booth.
The crazy little ride brings the two to another lavishly decorated medieval abode. There’s many different places to take off here. A door to the left, a long hallway with a door to the right, a door just to the right, and another long corridor straight ahead.
The door just to the right leads to a save point, merchant, and shooting range. I suspect this cult is all just a front for Walt Disney. Many things would make sense.
A drafty hallway with a mild throwback to the original Resident Evil 4 trailer presents itself.
Nothing’s ever easy. Let’s see what asinine trinket this one needs.
Two statues with this inscription are in either side. We’re going to need some jeweled chalices. Let me consult my nearest PS3 owner for a spare.
Heading on back to the long hallway we passed a bit ago.
I was getting worried that the Ganado would stop informing me of all their plans. What a relief.
Sample Retrieved
I wonder if they all do the dickhead “quotes” hand gestures when referring to this “sample” verbally.
“I mean, we’ve done such a great job up to this point. I don’t see how we could fail. A few hundred casualties? Acceptable losses for two people’s sake.”
Moving right along.
An armor filled hallway. Highly recommended to ditch Ashley here before proceeding forth.
Leon shows a bit more grace with dodging. Fruity acrobatics are in any proper modern day action hero’s résumé.
Avoiding a few of those predictable surprises, Leon finds himself in yet another room that could hold a toilet. Do all these poor bastards need to commute back to Mendez’s house to take a leak?
Leon immediately falls down a trap door and is mocked by a ghostly Crusades knight.
“You choose…poorly…”
Meet the Armadura (armor). Well, we met these guys as Ashley, but now we get a proper introduction. These remarkable fellows are armor filled with Plagas parasites. How does that work? By briefly saying ‘to hell’ with established concepts to this point and having them chill out in suits of armor sans host.
These guys only have a single attack, swinging their swords/axes. When shot in the head, a Plagas erupts from the helmet. Taking that out destroys the foe. Simple stuff.
Especially since a flash grenade instant kill them once the Plagas is revealed.
The second round of these guys are a bit more formidable, as they are the worm head variety that can instant kill you if you’re not careful. Again, same deal.
Once they’re defeated, we can say goodbye to those idiotic enemies, since we’re never going to see them again.
Key item in hand, the two head back to the hub area.
Only one door left.
This room gets really old school. Giant sliding statues and pressure plates. I’m having flashbacks already. There’s four pressure plates and two statues. Guess who occupies the two empty spaces?
At least you can’t screw up and have nerve gas pour in. Though, that would completely fall in line with events thus far…
Proceeding in the new room.
Leon whips out his Broken Butterfly and blasts the little bastard across the room, thus ending the chapter. Or at least he would, were he not inflicted with the Cutscene Stupidity Bug ®
These Plagas infested guy are all about the funk.
You’re supposed to switch out the broken shotgun first, you dolts!
I never got the need for spikes AND a crushing ceiling. It just seems overkill.
“Hehehe. Who needs to have a consistent plot when you’ve got zany traps!”
Aww, sandwiches…
Will Salazar ever decide if he wants to kill Leon and Ashley, or just kill Leon and capture Ashley, or maybe kill Ashley and capture Leon? Will the two be able to escape this latest peril? Tune in next time to find out in Episode XXVII: Hax0r
Bonus Content
I’m on a Salazar radio…
Video
Broken Butterfly Sexiness:
Video
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