<< Previous Chapter
>> Next Chapter
^^ Index
Episode XXVIII: Utility Belt
Welcome back, when last we left our heroes, that silly dolt Ashley had gotten captured again. 
Leon, reluctantly, gives chase, ending right outside a rather unnecessary clock tower (considering it’s in the middle of a chasm with windowless walls on each side) Will he be able to rescue Ashley for the twentieth time now? Let’s find out…
This is just a clock tower for the sake of a clock tower… The Los Illuminados’ accountant about blew a gasket when he reviewed the spendings the cult had racked up. Lucky for them, his head exploded into a mass of writhing tentacles shortly before that could happen.
Leon cautiously makes his way toward the new structure.
“Dude, I can see my house from here!”
The single sentry pointing and softly calling out he’d spotted Leon signals the catapult team 100 yards away within seconds. Las Plagas: It will make you functionally retarded, but you’ll have hearing sharp enough to kick the Daredevil in the balls.
This…this is not working.
Rewind…
Which is why you should snipe the two Ganado wandering around the clock tower upper area before crossing the bridge. They won’t alert the catapult guys if they’re missing a head.
Out of harms way, Leon comes to find nothing is ever easy. Luckily, there is a back door upstairs. Nobody ever thinks how screwed Leon would be if both of these doors were locked… Just saying…
Hopefully, there will be a way to make it across to where Salazar and Ashley are from here. Knowing these guys, there’s no way they’d have thought to put the controls for such a function on the opposite end.
Inside, Leon discovers gears…
Cogs…
And ladders… No chutes though…
I hope someone is getting in trouble for leaving all these plans behind. I left a report unfilled on my desk before going home once and my boss morphed into a LV 42 Dreadlord and docked my pay for a week.
Ritual Preparation
She’s going to have to clean all the toilets with a toothbrush, be force fed to eat raw eggs and brownies with laxatives, moon Saddler, and get her left eyebrow shaved.
“Totally going to miss the sweet initiation rager afterwards.”
Little does Leon know, they really only stopped it up in two places. He’s going to be looking all day for the third one.
Remember to bring him by the giftshop before he departs!
Just in case…
Well, heck. What ever could it be? Are they truly down to “unleash the 2x4’s!” in the order of defensive?
One is right directly to the left of the machine.
The second is slightly down and to the right.
The third is easiest reached by jumping down the two ladders and looking up at the bottom of the second. Why didn’t I tell you when you were there? Only dicks spoil plot advancements like this.
Smashing the diabolical wood block plan sets the tower in motion.
By rotating the whole base of the tower. I take it back, that is the most pointless structure in the game.
The front door is also opened. Strangely, the clock tower does not ring. Ganado are weird…
Speaking of which. 
And again…
I don’t think this little guy has come up, but here he is. This is the third type of head bursting Plagas and the rarest of the three. It initially starts out similar to the worm variety, only without the instant kill bite and with an acid spit attack added.
However, when the host is killed, these fellows can run around and attack on their own. They’ll die after a few seconds and only take a shot or two to kill.
Also, Capcom didn’t bother programming back and side attack animations for the thing, so it’s physically unable to attack you unless you’re staring straight forward at it. In which case it will jump on your face and…just sort of scratch and flip out. What? Were you expecting face rape? Sicko.
Leon enters the next building
There are two Garradors and a handful of Zealots floating about here. You cannot leave until the two load barring mini-bosses eat it.
You see those stairs up there? Do not go up those stairs. There’s one Ganado hiding higher up and three semi-armored ones will spawn behind you (somehow through the locked gate) if you proceed past the staircase. You need to take out the two Zealots wandering around here first, as they are a large annoyance aside from the deadly pair slowly making their way in this direction.
Either pull out the big guns and take them out quickly, or else go for the kneecaps and do a suplex. Either way, at least one of the Garradors will come running for you. But, with the suplex, you’re invincible until the animation ends.
One of the two Garrys are fully armored, so its obvious pulsating weak point on their its back is the only means of damaging it. Why you’d attack anywhere else is beyond me, so it’s of little consequence.
The Garradors haven’t learned any new attacks since the last few times they’ve been battled. “Charge and get stuck in the wall” 
and “spin around like a kid with ADD that just drank a two liter of Mountain Dew” Both attacks can be avoided by walking backwards at a brisk pace. Don’t spin and run. Just step back. As long as you aren’t an idiot and get sandwiched by both of them, this isn’t too hard.
“Marco.”
“Polo!”
Don’t be afraid to bust out the magnum here. There’s few more appropriate instances to use it. The rifle is a nice bet as well.
Say goodbye to the Garradors. We hardly knew ya.
Leon scoops up the two’s last paychecks and moseys.
What the hell did we just walk in on…?!
Figures Salazar has a cute little mini-throne to hang out on.
They then launch into a five minute boxing analogy exchange.
Ramon Salazar recently passed Wile E. Coyote as Acme’s number one customer.
She can’t believe Leon fell for that trap. *nudge nudge*
Looks like Leon has something up his sleeve.
And they said he was crazy when he demanded a belt buckle grappling hook.
Salazar is instead greeted by the slightly less fulfilling sound of one’s spinal cord snapping.
This old trick…? Just how many times has this happened to him?!
Flashback.
Several years earlier…
Back in the present.
Salazar doesn’t know what the fuck.
“This was my 31st trap! This one was supposed to work!
Salazar throws a hilarious little temper tantrum dance here.
The big red robed puluka wanders off for said killtastic adventures.
Ashley states the obvious one last time as we come to the end of this update.
What fate awaits Leon at the bottom of Salazar’s latest cartoonish hazard? Find out next time in Episode XXIX: Clockwork Puppetry
Bonus Content
The satisfying sound of one’s impalement:
Video
Salazar Throne Room Antics:
Video
<< Previous Chapter
>> Next Chapter
^^ Index