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Episode XXX: Men with Character
Welcome back. When last we left our hero, he had just finished a sibling rivalry with Todd the Verdugo. Still in search of Ashley, Leon proceeds into the unknown. Elsewhere, Sgt. Barnes from Platoon arrives on the scene. With that said, let’s begin…
The first of two chapter sections beginning with the excitement of a slow elevator ride. Can’t you wait?
A Merchant (with juicy upgrades across the board), shooting gallery, save point, and sexy new file present themselves. Let’s check out the file.
Luis’s Memo 2
Luis, you write tales about as well as my grade school brother…
Or find some suits of armor to camp in… Ignore the enemy plot hole…
Wait…they’ve been doing this for years?!
“I dare say, chap. There may very well be a correlation between these horrific creatures from the dark corners of the earth we’re digging up and these unexplained occurances!”
“What is happening to these people, doctor? Have they become the undead?”
“No, child. That would be outrageous and the stuff of faerie tales. No, this dark plague has caused these once upstanding citizens to become parasite infested drones who bow only to the will of extremely sarcastic individuals and midgets of the most severe campy value.”
“A fate most dire. Is there anything that can be done?!”
“I'm afraid not, child. For, you see, this plague also corrupts the brain, devolving these unfortunate souls into the mindset of a somewhat dim-witted kindergartener. Statistically, if left alone long enough, they’ll all die of sheer ineptitude. Or, perhaps a single man who can wield firearms. But, only time shall tell, my boy. Only time shall tell.”
*ahem*
“I told them smoking those things wouldn’t get them high. But, nobody ever listens to the foreign guy.”
Now, I can see the picture in the center and right. But the picture to the left is clearly just some guy chilling out.
“P.S. In the future, I sure hope I don’t get impaled by that Saddler guy’s giant robe dick.
Love,
Luis Sera.”
Moving right along to the next area.
Hey…those don’t look like cultists… Is it…?
It is you guys!
I missed you silly bastards so much. Angry brain-dead Not-Spaniards were so much more entertaining then brain-dead spaced out Zealots.
Welcome back!
Proceeding further in after a complimentary decapitation for old friends
That “Village” was a sprawling suburb when this whole operation began. Workplace fatalities have accounted for the death of roughly 75% of the population up this this point… 
Up ahead, Leon finds the big mining operation Leon mentioned. Which is apparently confined to this single room as far as current progress goes.
Down below, the path is blocked by a pesky boulder. Which, leaves the question of what these guys were expecting to do with the Plagas after they dug them up. Haul them back, up the elevator, through the sewers, up Salazar’s Mortal Kombat Pit, and then haul them from there… Actually, that doesn’t sound far off on the planning stages presented thus far.
Well, there’s a switch next to the boulder. It could very well trigger the dynamite circling the area, but what the hell.
Not sure how that will help, but it’s best not to bring into question Adventure game elements...
Them Duke Boys in a real fix now!
Oh, there was dynamite in it. Leon, of course, knew that beforehand and wasn’t just randomly flipping switches for the hell of it. No sir.
Oh, come on! It’s overloaded with rock. That warning said dynamite was the only thing to worry about 
Since, Leon can’t mount up that likely easily scaleable fence, it’s time for a quick combat excuse/enemy spawning flip switching extravaganza! Oh hey, what’s that?
Abe Vigoda old.
Switching it up a bit.
I’ve got some leverage now.
Stop yanking my crank.
Just then!
No way…can it be?
Dr. Salvador! How have you been, man. I’ve not seen you since Mendez’s house a good twenty updates ago. Man, you haven’t aged a day. Still, with the chainsaw routine. Boy, some things never change.
Well, except for the fact that you’re significantly less imposing now that I have far superior weaponry.
Still, it was great seeing you, old boy.
Flipping that lousy switch, we can now go and get…
Leon later dresses in drag to fool Salazar into giving up Ashley. Works every time.
Leon used his pocket lighter that is grafted onto all Resident Evil males’ arm.
Smashing.
Viewers, I warn you now we are entering…the Danger Zone…
Ah, so Sapin also shares a border with Norfair. Neat.
If a giant cyborg dragon is behind there... I quit.
Nay, good sir. What do you here on this most peculiar of nights?
Be you friend or foe?! Be ye true and noble, I welcome you warmly with open arms to my domain. Be ye a villain and swine, I’ll not hesitate to strike you down.
Oh, leave him be, darling. He is but a simple man of small stature and even smaller aspirations. Surely, cowardice would be common in a site such as ours. But, be not quick to judge.
Forgive me, sir. I apologize for my unruly behavior and bare you the injustice of not a proper introduction.
I am Ernest Fischbacher and my companion at my side is Burton Horn.
A pleasure.
We are in town on business, but have a moment for any bard who may have a yarn to spin of fancy.
Great, more of these guys…
This insult to our honor shall not stand! You think less of us for our engaging in a union outside of the acceptable rules of your society!? For this, good sir. For this, you shall perish.
Christ! Calm down, I just meant I’d been harassed by a bunch of you guys today.
I shall not hear you group us together as you would mere animals, you knave! Have at you, coward! See if your words hold weight!
Dear, stop this. The man is simply an uncultured buffoon; holding a grasp poor of the Queen’s English. He is of no obstacle of ours.
Then why does he flee so. Perhaps to gather his countrymen, their hearts filled with bigotry and deception. They welcome us into their shops and homes, but their piercing stare tells all.
Why should we be the perpetual victims under society’s feet? I say we stand and fight.
If the world won’t accept us, then we’ll make the world listen.
Even if it takes one outlandish brute at a time to do so. Mark my words…
Good heavens!
IT BURNS!! SAVE ME DARLING!! SAVE ME!!
Ernest! NO!
IT’S IN MY EYES!!
Hold on! You have to hold on! Ernest!
WHY?! WHY MUST YOU HATE US SO?! WHyyyy---
My love…are you there…
Go on to Paris without me!
Burton, I’m glad I never quit you.
Blargh…bleh…*sizzle*
ERRRRRNEEEEEEEST!!!
I’ll kill you for this, you bastard!
He was the only man I’d ever loved.
No…no, this won’t get me anywhere.
I ask my do the same to me, villain. Cut me down so I can be with my beloved.
Okay…
I know this was a grave misunderstanding. But such a tragedy cannot be adverted when set upon its course.
Perhaps, under different circumstances, we could have been friends.
Yeah…maybe…
Ernest… I can see Paris… It’s beautiful… I’ll meet you there…
Yeah, maybe. Except I’m not a fag… I'm metrosexual.
Oh, Leon. You never stop being a dick, do you. Or in denial. Tune in next time for more wacky filler picked out of a hat that was passed around the Capcom design studios in Episode XXXI: Mine Carts, Lions, and Bugs. Oh My!
Bonus Content
A Hunka, hunka...
Video
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