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Episode XXXVII: Reckless Endangerment.
Welcome back to the world of survival horror, or whatever they’re calling this genre these days. When last we left our hero, he’d been reunited with the ever damsel in distress, Ashley Graham. How long will their reunion last? The end of this update! That said, let’s begin…
All those bricks are symbolic of the trauma Ashley faced in captivity. It’s deep and stuff. Well, the deepthroating while bricking on her part was, at least… Those kooky Ganado and their deviant ways.
Just then!
“Dear God, it’s coming right for us!”
Oh, it’s just a paper airplane… Wait, what?
Paper Airplane
The waste disposal vent being that giant drop Leon peered down after the Ganado crane machine game.
Thanks, Ada. You’re swell.
A bit of slaughter and a short jog later and the duo are back to said waste disposal vent.
“The birthplace of the script…”
“Tell me about it, I’m still writhing in its cage of torment.”
“Your acting ain’t helping, sweetcakes. Though, I’d better take it up a notch…”
“You can’t get any more hokey.”
“Forget I said anything.”
In retrospective, this was a bad decision.
REWIND >>>>>>
“Indubitably so.”
“You know, with the panty shots and all…” *nervous awkward laugh*
It’s called a hand.
“Mmm. White… A little stained, but I can deal.”
“That’s the first time I’ve touched a girl in months. It’s really making me…horny. Horny. Get it? Har har.”
The old “shove the girl in a dumpster” tactic makes a brief return to the game.
Highly recommended, as Ashley doesn't exactly fare well with the non-Ganado crowd...
Then, Leon goes to work showing how we deal with puns ‘round these parts.
After taking care of the Iron Maiden, Leon whistles for Ashley, as her assistance is needed.
Ashley attempts to fly like Ada. Unfortunately, she just ends up falling face first on concrete and getting a moderate concussion. Leon notices no difference.
Nearby, this metal box is in the way. Normally, Leon would just mount it and jump across. But those trickster Ganado have exploited his only weakness: uneven platforms. As such, he’ll need to push it into the gap.
The fit action hero that can elbow people’s heads off and suplex full grown men needs assistance from the petite girl he regularly catches from 30 foot drops with no problem… Talk about emasculating.
A repeat performance following that…
…bring the pair to a most peculiarly placed smelting pit. Also, the world’s most uselessly placed wrecking ball.
It’s actually impressive, as she was closing her eyes and detecting the door through ear sonar. Less so if you actually have a pair of eyes and look slightly to the left.
"Hey, it's that prick that grabbed me with the crane and tossed me down the garbage chute! Get him!!"
A nearby room has an operating panel for the wrecking ball which serves no purpose other than wrecking that particular wall.
Ashley puts that college education to the test. She’s got her Associates Degree in Playstation Era Puzzle Mechanics.
Leon disposes of the Ganado in fun and educational ways in the meantime.
Two smashes and the wall comes tumbling down. Which leads to the question of how or why these guys were down here in the first place. But, that’s a running commentary for another time.
More Regenerators/Iron Maidens, whatever are around here. Did it take anyone else about two or three playthroughs to notice they were actually separate enemy types?
This corridor has several side rooms and several shutters blocking the main corridor. This one poses a problem.
Luckily, as with all these puzzles, it’s easily solved within 50 yards of the initial difficulty.
They have a back-up power supply just for that shutter? Ganado are weird…
Oh dear…
There’s just enough space for Newman from Seinfeld to crawl under too. You’re just being a lazy prick at this point.
Luckily, Ashley is all too eager to get on all fours.
And the way is opened. To the right there is a side room leading to…
A Merchant! He’s got a few tune-ups in, if I recall. Which I don’t. But, he’s definitely going to call you “Stranger”, that, friends, you can bet good money on.
Heading back out, there’s yet another instance of pointless team efforts to be had. Gee, it’s almost like they’re doing everything they can with Ashley before she was lost for the better part of the game again or something.
When the light fills up on the top there, you’ll need to pull down the lever. Ashley will do her part, it’s just a matter of getting Leon to do his. Yes, it’s the same utterly pointless team timed puzzle from Final Fantasy VII… Minus the burly black stereotype.
The next room holds… A badass bulldozer? Kick ass!
“Alright, I’m just going to hope up here and drive this thing all the way…”
“Bitch, I’m going to slap you around so hard you’re going to end up the President’s son if you don’t get out of that seat.”
Regrettably, Ashley will be driving the bulldozer. The chance of a crash by the end of the sequence is currently at 97.6% with a three point margin of error.
“Lord Saddler ordered that be converted into a Killdozer! Stop them!”
A shit load of Ganado will give chase during this ride. If you have the fully loaded Striker, bust it out. All of these Ganado have extremely low health and you can pretty much one hit the lot of them, even from a distance. Making this an entertaining shooting gallery.
After a bit of a cruise, a truck comes barreling down the tunnel.
Those fools, they were supposed to keep it over 55 mph!
There’s a bit more roughhousing with ornery Ganado following that. Boys will be boys.
But, the previously exploded truck is not out of the game.
For all of ten seconds, at least… Sorry guys, the car combat genre is dead.
An elevator presents itself ahead.
“I can’t let you do that, Dave…”
No, Ashley. Your hand will not detach and press the switch.
Leon begrudgingly goes to press the button.
Stopping briefly for a panty shot moment. Also the handful of Ganado who interpret “capture” as “jam axe into skull”.
And how.
This goes on for a bit… It’s a fun sequence, honest…
No, Ashley. You’re moving toward it. You’re driving a truck…
Man, look I loved Twisted Metal Black too, but just let it go, guys.
Just another day in Baghdad.
And, of course, we have the crash.
“Good job wrecking the Killdozer, ya dumb broad.”
The next room has some supplies and the Merchant, who is also disappointed with the loss of Killdozer action.
In the next room, good old Osmund is chilling out. Much like his protégé, Salazar, Saddler is never one to pass up standing with his face to a wall in silence for hours on end. Riding on the off chance that his enemy may crash through a wall and end up in the same building as he, so he may turn around dramatically and taunt them.
Oh man… Saddler, put the hood back on. The Palpatine look was working, despite the fruity purple color scheme. Now you just look like an older Gary Busey in an elaborate bath robe…
…doesn’t ever actually saddle anything.
“Talk to the hand.”
Leon’s heartburn from that uncooked egg in Episode 5 flares up.
“Ugh. Remind me to clip my nails when we get back to the house.”
“I crush your head!”
Ashley checks, to her dismay, that she still can’t see her feet.
Crap, only one person can save her now…
Leon reaches into the deus ex machina and plot device bag around his back.
And flicks a tracking bug on her back. Nobody is going to notice the flashing red LED light on her back, Leon. Nobody.
“Come on, sweet heart. I’ll show you why they call me “One-eye Osmund.”
MOOOOOOORRRRTAL KOOOOOOOOOMMMMBAT!
Well, shit. For the second time in a row, Leon manages to lose Ashley within the span of a chapter section. What dark nemesis from the past lurks in the shadows? And what is Ada doing with her spare time to be making paper airplanes? Find out next time in Episode XXXVIII: Bitch in the Red Dress
Bonus Content
We’ve finished Chapter 5-2! 
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