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Episode XXXIX: Jackass in the Red Beret
Welcome back. When last we left our heroes, Ada was rushing to save the somewhat oblivious Leon from Krauser. Will she succeed? Let’s find out…
Leon has the sudden and unexplainable urge to play the knife game Bishop does at the beginning of Aliens.
“I have the strangest urge to stare at his ass…”
Elsewhere…
Ada is still rushing to save Leon. This area is the latter half of the bulldozer section. It’s not particularly interesting. And I think they stole the music from Resident Evil 3…
Back to Leon for a time…
This is how Leon wakes up most mornings. Knife in hand alone in an abandoned warehouse…
Shit! One of those hand monsters from Ocarina of Time! Leon doesn’t want to go to the beginning of the dungeon.
“There, sport. You’ve got to get these things early, or you’ll never get rid of them.”
“Smooth shave, my ass!”
“Who were you again…? Nicholai? No… Ark? No, not him. …Jill? No. Too tall. You’re Hunk, aren’t you. Hey, Hunk.”
“Don’t make me take out my Mauser and cap you like you were Bowser!”
“No…who were you again…?” *fumbles through the script*
I’m sorry, I’m not following this at all. So he faked his own death so he could become some underground mercenary and this allowed him access to the President’s daughter, as nobody would ask questions about the tall brooding heavily scarred reportedly dead man. To make no mention that Leon just got this Presidential detail gig and this is a new President, meaning Krauser would likely have no in with the current administration…
Alternatively, they just got a big scary fuck to go nab her and it’s merely a coincidence that he and Leon knew each other. Also that he and Ada happened to both be working for the same shadowy super villain who also happens to have a long history with the brother of the girl he kicked ass alongside in Raccoon City…
Well, that’s very nice for the two of you. Mind filling in the audience?
I guess not. 
“It is too a smooth shave. Three blades for maximum coverage!”
“The secret to the number of licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop!”
Crab battle!
“Which is why I’ll waste my time fighting you the rest of this chapter.”
“I barely get this plot development. She’ll get a nosebleed just trying to decipher vague backstory details.”
Krauser kicks a barrel which conveniently spawned in front of him.
Leon pimp slaps it away.
Leon, come on. You should know better. All non-static barrels will violently explode on contact.
REWIND >>>>>
Krauser follows up with more knife antics.
Before they both go tumbling off the platform like a couple of tools.
“Quick! Manly flips to save face!”
“Gotcha!”
“Alright, when I say three, turn and face me at the same time. It’ll look like we meant to do that.”
“Right.”
“Three!’
“Well, it’s more Saddler got her involved and we happened to go way back from when we were both working at a video store in Pittsburgh.”
Below, Ada catches up to the action…
And watches the two duel from the sidelines. Ada always had a dream of a scenario like this. Two men fighting over her. Only, it wasn’t Tom Berenger and Brendan Fraser in her fantasies. Eh, she’s flexible.
Leon rushes Krauser. Not because he’s mad about Ashley being used. Mostly, the part where he got dragged into fighting centipede Rasputin, crazed midgets with giant moving statues of themselves, and everything in between because of it.
“Shut up! Shut up and take the pain! Take the pain!”
“Last time we were in this position we ended up kissing.”
“I told you to never speak of that! I sneezed.”
“Liar!”
Krauser kicks Leon to the floor.
Replace “Umbrella” with “Linux” and Krauser’s psychotic devotion takes a hilarious turn for the zany.
“An inkling of continuity…”
“You're done, Elias! I swear to fuckin' God, you're done.”
"Gib' auf, du hast keine Chance! Lass' es uns beenden! Es ist einfacher für dich, viel einfacher. Du wirst sehen, es ist gleich vorbei."
Bang!
Ada decides to join the party.
“I totally could have taken him!”
“No you couldn’t have, pussy.”
“Shut up!”
“He’s right. You died like four times here before I got that button press right.”
Said the Jackass in the Red Beret. 
“Seeing as nobody decided to bring any firearms to this cutscene but me.”
Krauser’s got something up his sleeve…
The 20 foot backflip. He tried to do this at a party once to impress a girl. He ended up breaking his hip.
Whoever trained these guys definitely needs to tighten up the witty banter part of the curriculum…
“Well, the script says I did, but hell if I’ve ever seen that guy before the cutscene just after the fight with Todd.”
“You know, since you’re an actual reoccurring character and not someone pretending to be one?”
Ha. Plot development. Who needs it?
What’s up next for Leon? Will he be able to prolong his life before succumbing to his inevitable death? Find out next time in Episode XL: You Too?
Bonus Content
We’ve completed Separate Ways Chapter 4! 
The Krauser Knife Fight: Proving that was the least productive update yet!
Video
Mellished!
Video
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