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Episode XXX: Part 1 - Let’s Rock, Baby!
Welcome back. When last we left our hero, he’d just set this party to crazy. With that said, let’s finish this…
Right then, five minutes until this place goes up in nuclear hellfire. I sure setting off a nuclear device in in the polar ice cap doesn’t have any adverse effects.
Chris rushes out of the detonator room. Claire runs up the stairs to greet him. He wipes a bit of sweat off his forehead that the dingy prison backroom door was on a base wide lock security system and not just a dungeon key system.
Made what? Made it down the hallway and put in a code that’s the title of the game? That hurts, Claire.
“I’ve got a remake to attend to.”
The siblings begin to run off.
The Plot Device Tentacle (PDT) will have none of this.
It proceeds to shit out Alexia Ashford. No logical villain entry. She gets literally shit out of a thing that bursts from the floor…
“We could probably just run past her. I mean, it’s got to take a while to recover from getting crapped out the back of a big snake thing.”
“How about we just stand here and gawk at her for a bit.”
“I guess that works.”
Chris spots the Linear Launcher. I don’t know what the hell a ‘Linear Launcher’ is. Does he? Probably not. But hey, it beats some jerk-off tossing a rocket launcher.
Boy, is he going to have egg on his face when he discovers the keys are broken into three places and scattered across the Antarctic wastes.
The pair run to the Linear Launcher’s cradle. Meanwhile, Alexia is err…
She is… Umm…
I have no idea what the hell is going on here. Instead of just walking up here, she has instead had a blank clone of herself shat out and copied her imprint into it or…something…
My God! She’s become late ‘90s CGI!
Man, the videos they show in Sex Ed these days are fucked up…
Chris Redfield: The Man with Wrists of a Three Year Old.
“You didn’t think you were going to get away with only a single form boss fight? Did you really think it would be that easy?”
“You know, for a while there… Yeah, I kinda did…”
“Stop stealing lines from other movies. Call your agent if you’re sore you don’t have any decent one-liners.”
“You do realize that if you die I can’t fly a fighter jet, right?”
Chris looks like he’s eaten one too many green herbs over the last few months.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to run past the now full awakened and ready fire blood mutant.”
Cutscene Stupidity Complex, where won’t you show your ugly face?
Chris only has a few seconds to help out Claire. The results can be less than stellar for Ms. Redfield otherwise.
Chris puts one last slug from his Magnum in her. Five bullets took her down earlier.
But it’s going to be that sixth one that’s the charm.
Remember what Rodrigo was preaching about safe sex?
Not everyone listened…
Oh, it’s okay. She’s just trying to boost her cell phone signal. False alarm, people.
“I have unlimited anytime minutes. Up for some crank calling?”
“And it’s good! STARS win the Super Bowl!”
“I’m wearing new make-up, can’t you tell?”
“Men, they never notice these things…”
Alexia one-ups Old Willie Birkin by having a giant teethed vagina looking hole that also has a giant writhing tentacle coming out of it.
Though, it is ultimately the spiked reject monsters from Metroid which bring Topher Redfield to his knees. What could he possibly do to defeat this monstrosity?
Well, I suppose running to the other side of the screen and firing a few times. Way to ruin the drama, prick.
Alexia’s plot of turning fat has done little for her career.
This is actually from an earlier point in the game, when Alexia awoken from her decade and a half hiatus and discovered the Internet.
Alexia’s army of flying ants come to her aid. Not to, you know, completely overwhelm and easily kill Chris by outnumbering him several thousand to one.
Actually, I have no idea what they accomplished there. But, nothing really makes sense anymore, does it?
Elsewhere, at the World Pickle Jar Unscrewing Championship.
The linear launcher is finally charged up. Let’s see what this thing finally turns out to be a…
“A… A microphone…?”
That's great, it starts with an earthquake,
birds and snakes, an aeroplane –
Lenny Bruce is not afraid.
Eye of a hurricane,
listen to yourself churn,
world serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs.
Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength,
The ladder starts to clatter with fear fight down height.
Wire in a fire,
representing seven games,
a government for hire and a combat site.
Left of west and coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck.
Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped.
Look at that low playing!
Fine, then.
Uh oh, overflow, population,
common food, but it'll do.
Save yourself, serve yourself.
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right - right.
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
Six o'clock - TV hour.
Don't get caught in foreign towers.
Slash and burn,
return,
listen to yourself churn.
Locking in, uniforming,
book burning, blood letting.
Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate.
Light a candle,
light a votive.
Step down, step down.
Watch your heel crush, crushed. Uh-oh, this means no fear cavalier.
Renegade steer clear!
A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies.
Offer me solutions,
offer me alternatives
and I decline.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it. (It's time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
(I feel fine)
The other night I dreamt of knives,
continental drift divide.
Mountains sit in a line
Leonard Bernstein.
Leonid Brezhnev. Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs.
Birthday party,
cheesecake,
jelly bean,
boom!
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck,
right?
Right.
It's the end of the world as we know it. (It's time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it. (It's time I had some time alone)
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.
“It’s a laser blaster, you retard!”
“I turned into a giant flying ant in the musical interlude. Do you object?”
“Nah. I’m cool.”
“Laser rifles. My only weakness. How did you know?”
“They did it in the last game too.”
“Damn you lack of original design conventions!”
So dies Alexia Ashford. Fifteen years in the making and all she accomplished was killing one lanky teenage boy.
Oh yeah, this is one of those proper self destruct systems. You know, the type that make the entire base fall apart sporadically instead of one giant explosion.
Chris ditches the Linear Launcher and rushes down the staircase.
Hey! This wasn’t in the script!
Tune in next time for the exciting second half!
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