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Episode XXIX: Eye of the Tiger
Welcome back. When last we left our hero, he’d just defeated a villain coming to form after a fifteen year scheme…using five shots from a magnum. Sure, she’s not really dead, but that’s still fairly sad. With that said, let’s continue…
Right, where were we. Ah yes, Chris ventured past the picture frame fitted with a security mechanism that requires the dissembling of three of the Ashfords’ bits of jewelry. Tight security in the southern pole. The mystery doorway opens to…more corridors. Doom 3, eat your heart out.
Chris enters the door to his immediate right.
Let’s all just thank this game was produced before shadows were the ‘in’ thing. The only thing you’d see in this screencap would be the faint glint of Chris’ hair gel.
The game’s last file reclines in a chair here. I’m sure you’re all terribly disappointed to have the mechanic end so soon.
Code: Veronica Report
“Unfortunately, I had to sacrifice the scenario writer’s base gene to accomplish this.”
Cloning was all the rage during the ‘70s. See: Metal Gear Solid.
“I may have also unfortunately given him a bit too much of another gene I stumbled upon. Though, I won’t mention it here.”
“Who, I’m coming to find, was kind of a total bitch. Talk about putting a damper on a legacy.”
New parents, always so hopeful of their children. I wonder if he knew he was spawning a running gay joke that would run the family into the ground and a genius that ultimately accomplishes absolutely nothing aside from killing one whiny teenager, he would have reconsidered.
Chris crumples up the last file and 3-point shoots it into the nearby waste basket. He then proceeds to pump his fist and play a little bit of air guitar before moving on.
There’s an elevator right alongside that last file, Chris gives it a whirl. It stops at a little part of the lab below.
Just once I want there to be a random computer screen on with something to press and as soon as the button is pushed, a tub of acid pours from the ceiling onto the schmuck who mashed it. Just once.
The last in a set of four of these wings are obtained. Chris now just needs to locate something to stick them in.
Chris heads back up to the top part of the lab and enters a small side door.
He finds himself back in the Resident Evil 1 spook hallway Claire was in earlier. Who designed this place? Sterile corridor, sterile hallway, frozen hallway, recreation of a mansion in the Mid-West USA, sterile hallway, laboratories, recreation of a hallway from a mansion in the Mid-West USA, prison. Sure, it’s no lava filled fire breathing dragon platformer like Salazar’s crib, but we’re getting close.
Chris heads out for the door straight ahead. This leads back to the prison area. He overhears crying soon after entering. Well, it’s more downtrodden laughter. But, we’ll just call it crying for the sake of narrative.
“Look, I’m sorry I threw your Barbie into a fire when you were six but you’ve got to get over it at some point.”
You usually have to turn those things on the front of them before pushing or pulling, Chris.
“I’m just dying to meet him.”
“You know how they say people crap when they die? Oh God, it’s everywhere! Oh God!”
“My gel. I’ve only got a two maybe three hour supply left. We need to leave ASAP.”
“Oh God, it’s all over the handle too. It was like a shotgun. Oh God…”
Boy are their faces going to be red when it turns out it was just an old fashion lock and key and he ends up blowing her up in their little scheme.
This activates the self destruct mechanism. I believe the designers intended for Chris to come here last, obtain this, and go set off the detonator right afterwards. But, since the designers gave no indication of this and Chris strikes me as a bit of an oblivious dick, there is one thing left to do beforehand…
A FETCH QUEST!
Chris heads back to that earlier hallways he began in.
This looks vaguely familiar. Not in the throwback to earlier titles sort of way either.
Chris enters a nearby doorway to his left.
He comes to another study save room. As well as yet another duplicate portrait of Veronica Ashford. That chick is giving Osmund Saddler a run for his money soon.
Why can’t they just call it a Biohazard Resident Evil key? Why point out a symbol on the door and just name it what the symbol is. This game was designed by Capcom’s most spiteful employees.
Chris heads back into the corridor.
So, we’re down to just saying ‘fuck it’ and reusing rooms? Not just that…
We’re reusing the fucking fetch quests. Thanks Capcom, I always appreciate phoning it in at the end. Is Chris going to have to enter a locked hallway full of doors leading to all the previous boss fights next?
Chris uses the secret passage he’d realistically have no knowledge of and enters Alexia’s room.
Oh, come on. They didn’t even try to pretend they didn’t copy and paste this room. It’s even got the same broken mirror in the corner and the exact same descriptions for random things clicked on. 
Right. Now, Chris needs a red jewel and a blue jewel. Hey, I think we’ve seen those somewhere.
But, there was the problem of the bust, ya know, spinning when a jewel was stolen from one of the eyes. The answer? Simple.
Cut the power. Remember the big glaring “this thing uses electricity hurr” warning? They should have thrown a curveball. “It seems to be solar powered.” Yeah, take that you lousy Redfields. Try blocking out sun. I’ve got to take some courses in super villainy one of these days. I bet I could kick ass.
Unfortunately, Capcom are indeed just spiteful pricks and the door just down the hall from the power room is inaccessible.
So, Chris has to run all the way around to the mansion hallway and unlock the door to the tiger room with the sterile room key. Heaven forbid anyone try to sequence break their precious fetch quests. Hey Capcom, I’m gonna fucking bomb jump next. Howabout that. FUCKING BOMB JUMP!
Like I care if there’s neither bombs nor jumping! I’m over your game. I am over your little game You hear me?! Do you?!
I know you’re out there. I’ve got your damned jewels! I did your goddamn puzzle fifteen updates ago!
You bastards can’t break me! Sure, you can grind away at my spirit…no, my very soul with your goddamn bug pieces and your keycards, emblems, levers, and wheels. But, you can’t break me.
I thought this would be fun. Sure, the older games were slower but there were zombies and mutants and things exploding and heads exploding. You took out head explosions you bastards! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! I NEED MY HEAD EXPLOSIONS! The only reason I sit through your emblem circle jerk is to see a zombie’s head explode. Why do you hate me so?
I’ll get even with you bastards for this game. Survivor too. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about fucking Survivor. Don’t think I’ll ever forgive you bastards for Survivor.
My god, I blazed through it in a hour and some change and three updates here, but it was like my dick in a vise the whole time. My dick in a fucking vise. And I bought that game new. $25.00 went to that bloody game. I figured, Resident Evil 3 was fun and I guess I hit my head forgetting this game’s flaws. Or maybe those were just simpler times. Regardless…
Damn you and your ilk. You build your empire on broken dreams and crushed spirits. You monsters devour hope.
No, we’re not done yet. Nothing had better fucking smash through that window after I get the key item. You know how many times you’ve done that this title? I think we’re past a dozen. Why don’t you just put a bleeding ‘boo’ when you close the inventory screen? Maybe add a fucking screamer? You remember those things?
Yeah, I remember those things. It worked the first time. By the twentieth time my friend messaged me and said, “Hey, this is cool”, I’d shut the window after ten seconds, drive to his house, and kill his dog with a shovel. That would learn him. Do you want your dog killed with a shovel? Oh, don’t think I won’t do it. But, you know what? I’ll hide in the bushes by the door, wait for you to grab your keys to go to work in the morning, then heave the thing through your window as soon as you pick them up. How do you like it now? How do you fucking like it now?!
And Steve? Which one of you pricks thought Steve was a good idea for a character? A lanky nasally dork that acts like a fourteen year old? You couldn’t have thought up any other way to advance the plot other than ‘oh, that Steve fucks up…again”? What did his character amount to? He accomplished nothing, failed at every task before him, turned into a monster, then died.
And another thing? What the hell was that monster design? You gave a horrible mutant thing emo hair. How am I to be threatened by a monster that looks like it would write poetry when it was done bringing an axe down on someone. And another thing… Wait. Get your fucking hands off me. I’m not through here! I’ve got more to say! You can’t silence the voice of the people and…
-Returning-
The final battle is ahead. Prepare accordingly.
Chris Redfield makes his way to the end of the –Prison- room.
This leads to a platform situated over the –Hive Room-.
An item, the –Linear Launcher-, is noted. Could this come of some use to Chris Redfield in the future?
A security door bars Chris Redfield’s path nearby.
Luckily, using the recently reconstructed dragonfly key, he is able to bypass the locked security door.
Chris Redfield enters the door.
The final pair of zombies which appear in this installment of the Resident Evil series are dispatched in this room.
Chris Redfield deals with the pair of zombies and reaches a computer console on the raised platform above.
This must be the console for the self-destruct system installed, of which the earlier file and indication by his sister, Claire Redfield, referred to.
A code is required to activate the self-destruct mechanism. Using context clues hinted to through your play through, can you crack the code to this riddle? I will give you a few moments to figure it out. Scroll below to find the answer.
The code is Veronica and this is my thread, you dirty cocksuckers. And we’re finishing it my way!
Sorry about that. I just had to vent at some point. And really, what better way to vent…
Then to nuke Antarctica?
Are you ready to rock? I’m ready to rock. Tune in next time for part one of the two part season clincher in Episode XXX: Let’s Rock, Baby! – Part 1
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