Part 13: Episode XII: The Ridiculous
Welcome back. When last we left Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs, he clamped a bear trap to the eyes of a little old German man he'd just met. With that said, let's continue...
To the south of the sewer passage outside the Office of Woe is... yet another wildly un-sewer like locale for Briggs to pillage.
This is apparently the Office of Death. Death is, sadly, not in at the moment. In addition, despite the lavish furnishing compared to, well every room in the game thus far, nothing within can be interacted with.
Moving further in...
Same deal with this expansive library. Though, it does give me the strangest sense of déjà vu... I wonder what that's all about.
Continuing further...
The next room over is a bedroom of some sorts. I guess this is Death's bachelor pad or something of the like. In any case, there is a new item to be nicked for Briggs' collection of crap. Can you spot it?
Of course you can't! It is literally a single pixel on a side of a room only visible by walking all the way right and then back a bit. It is quite invisible visually, being a piece of wood on a...wooden desk in a dimly lit room. I looked it up in a FAQ and it even took me a minute or so of scanning the general area to find the damn thing. Our prize?
A "wooden flute". A wooden flute sans any holes in it. So, as the pixel hunt description accurately depicted: a piece of wood. Terrific.
Beyond Death's bedroom is this lovely little armory with assorted grand trophies of warfare from distant Vvardenfell. There is yet another bit of looting to be done in here. No, it's not the striking looking steel axe or the fearsome spears or plate metal armor. That would be too obvious... In fact, our trinket isn't even visible on this screen.
Once more, the developers saw it fit to require Briggs to walk as far as he could right to fully view anything of use in the room. What we want is this hammer barely noticeable (and a couple pixels from exiting the room) at the bottom of the screen. But, this is not just any hammer, mind you...
This is motherfucking THOR'S HAMMER. Surely, might deeds of valor, heroism, and utter manliness will be enacted by Captain Briggs now that he wields such a legendary weapon.
If you're still thinking that you clearly haven't been paying attention to this game.
Backtracking...
Well, that's it for everything to the left of the central hub of this area. Now, to check all that is to the right.
Four screens of boring sewers stolen from the most boring part from an otherwise decent game (which seems to be a growing trend in this title) we eventually come to a crossroads. Well, really only left and down are options. Anyhow...
To the right is an utterly fantastical area mysteriously dubbed "Pump Room". Sadly, the pump room is behind yet another barred gate. One which we also don't have a key to open; another growing trend in this game. Oh well, let's see what was down south...
Well, that's about what I'd expect from finding something in the South... I...think...this is supposed to be that same monster that popped up for three seconds back during the prologue to spook Briggs before he made some raw sewage tequila. Now, what does this menacing tentacle abomination from the Deep do to our poor captain?
Well, it checks out Briggs' ass and then vanishes back down its hole. Sorry, folks. Limbo of the Lost is operating on Lucasarts adventuring rules, not Sierra. Presumably since creating death animations is hard work.
Now, there is another item to be grabbed from the ferocious Guardian's clutches. Not that the thing actually guards anything...
Actually, Briggs' dopey ass is blocking a key and he must be moved out of the way so the player can direct him to grab it proper. Gameplay! The guardian actually won't appear again unless Ben reenters the chamber.
That said, Briggs can't let such an undoubtedly evil demon be left alone unharmed. He has a reputation to protect!
Leaving the room and re-entering...
The way to defeat the sewer guardian is to prove the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. Yes, that's right... This is what the pen is used for... There is rougly a five second window to quickly mouse to the top of the screen, click the pen, and try to click on the spastic animation routine (and not click on Briggs standing in the way like a jerk.)
What follows is an extremely janky animation I have trouble interpreting even now...
Ben and the beast face off...
...Briggs goes into his fighting stanc. And then err...
...well, either he stabs it in the eye with the point of the pen or...maybe just squirts the ink from it into the monster's eye... In any case, an ink shaped foot print blob appears on its eyeball.
This is apparently quite painful and thus the creature is defeated now and forever. Well, what did that accomplish? Erm... Well...
The pen is destroyed, save for the very tip of it. Don't ask me how in the hell that works. We're given a clue that the pen is somewhat like a severed finger of a spider man in that which they're both sort of pointy, I suppose. Yes, the bear trap to Worrymeister's face was to steal a pen to poke Cthulu's bastard cousin in the eye to break the pen tip off to use it as a makeshift lock pick. Let that sink in for a moment.
Wait...? Lockpick? Oh no. So that means...
Like eight fucking screens all the way back to Quagmire later to use the pen tip...
Err...really... What?
It's another button puzzle on the grating, just as before. Only this time, I have abso-fucking-lutely no idea what the hell the clue is talking about. If someone has insight into whatever bizarre logic they're working on for the puzzle, be my guest to share. I looked it up and the answer is pressing the first button to the right of the top and then pressing the top button labeled "0". Before you asked, I tried the sum of all the numbers on a die and it was no dice.
...moving right along...
I'm going to take a wild guess, Briggs. I think...in your future is... Hmm...
<snaps fingers>
More Sewers!!
Ah! Look at that! I'm Nostrafuckingdamus! Anyway, there are three paths in this area. The right and left path are just a pointless loop that ends up back this way. Gameplay!
To the south is another branching path of importance. Let's see what's east, this time...
Pictured: My face almost every time a new character, animation, or attempt at humor appears in this game.
The animation during this introduction cutscene has me making that face again...
Well, at least she has a pretty dapper little ha-
-I hate this game.
See, this is what we need more of: People telling Briggs to fuck right off. Madam Dapperhat McZombie is already the most intelligent person we've met.
I like this lady. Honestly, Benny... You were sailing a merchant ship full of booze... It's not really that impressive a title. Much less one you ought to be rattling off to every other person like you're hot shit.
Hey, lady. We already saw the list of NPCs in the game back before the Worrymeister took the ole claws to the eyes. Your privacy has already been compromised.
Briggs pours on the old sociopath charm to try to get a foot in the door. Why he isn't just immediately turning tail on the crazy skeletal lady down a sewer hole with a pair of hellhounds on a leash is anyone's guess.
"You've got much more of a dickhead sorta streak to you... I like that."
"Oh..........well Nora, do you think you could help me get out of this stinking, smelly sewer?" "Smelly? This is my home!! Besides, I can't smell a thing!!" "Oh well, worth a shot... 
That is one phrase I never want to hear in a dark alley.
Unless you're riding them like crude horses to safety, I'm failing to see how this is doing fuck all in your favor, Benny. Of course, it appears to be doing fuck all in Benny's favor because their actual use is REMARKABLY stupid.
"Well what do you want?"
Pictured: The motto of Majestic Studios.
And thus for the second time in the game we're required to track down some manner of questionable alcohol. Gee, I wonder if this new fetch quest will employ empty bottles. That would certainly mix things up!
With a new goal fresh in hand, we head back out. Let's see what was in the other direction we skipped before...
Yet another set of entrances wait in the following room. Also, a re-used grate from the infamous grate puzzle of yesteryear also makes a cameo.
Uh oh... Another poor unsuspecting clerical guy at the office...
"Hello! ......I say you there! Charming! ..........Whooooah. This man reeks of Rum, he's drunk as a skunk."
Welp, the old booze hound won't mind if we steal his bottle of hooch for Ms. Ratty. Sadly, the bottle is empty. Another empty bottle... What's the count of bottles of less than status in this game so far? We must be near the double digits.
Next to the bottle is some fishing reel. This serves absolutely no purpose in this chapter other than revealing our heroic sailor is allergic to fish... Alright, then.
Next to the drunkard's office is a dining room resting in the parallel clearly-not-in-sewer dimension located on the eastern side of the underbelly of the sewers. Yet another in the long series of items to snag rests on the table.
You know, I'm just going to ignore these are some shitty wire cutters from Ace Hardware and take this at face value that it is perhaps magic and could cut sheet metal. Honestly, you could probably use those to solve half the puzzles in this chapter. But, I'm guessing you're going to use them for Quagmire and toss them into the marsh immediately afterwords. Just a hunch.
In the next room over we find just the thing for satisfying Nora Ratty's alcoholic beverage demands. That was shockingly non-painful given this game's track record.
In the next room over, Briggs comes across a boat resting at the bottom of an empty sewer canal. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the primary objective for this chapter. We need to somehow fill up this canal so Ben can row safely down the channel on that boat. I'm kind of seeing a big hole in this whole plan of escape, personally. Mostly, for one very key reason:
WHY THE FUCK CAN'T HE JUST WALK DOWN THE CANAL!?
The answer is this is Limbo of the Lost.
Returning to Nora and dropping off her hooch...
I hate you, Ben. You are the worst
Like fucking a hundred screens back to Quagmire again...
With the newly gained Metal Cutters, we're now free to unleash the hulking giant of a man clearly imprisoned for something heinous to be bound in three layers of traps and chains. I'm sure nothing bad will come of this... For Briggs, at least...
The game doesn't really tell us beyond this line, but this is shoved into our inventory. I like how some weird circular, probably a key item is some weird shit. But, solving riddles and punching codes into rusted grates is just kind of odd.
Pictured: Ben's impression of the usual state the writer for this game was found in around the office.
Oh, that Quagmire. Always pointing out our adventure actually has not an inkling of rhyme, reason, or purpose over half way through the quest.
"Might go have me way with a wench or two and cut the throat of the right bastard who locked me up's wife and wee kids while I'm at it. Ha!" "What was that?" "Oh, nothing to worry yourself with. Well, be seeing ya."
And so Quagmire struts like Shaggy from Scooby Doo off into the Myst.
I'd just like to note that Quagmire's chains are left on the ground and show up like an item when moused over. That said, they cannot be interacted in any way whatsoever other than that. Quality design and attention to detail, I must say. The really ARE iron chains. You don't even have to scan it or anything for that little nugget of info.
I am so sick of those four screens of swamp...
They don't even bother with a final puzzle for the last grate. Just tossing the circular thingamabob at the cage causes it to fall off the wall. Unfortunately, Briggs can't climb down this one. I guess it's not quite up to OSHA compliant bad Photoshop hole specs as of the 2008 revision of the rules and regulations on sewer stages.
What we do have to do now is patently ridiculous and retarded. It's up to you to decide in which of those two directions it leans more toward. Now, for this next caper, I'd like you to turn your attention to the big iron ball at Briggs' feet.
Quagmire apparently kicks this thing like a soccer ball all the way here before returning to his Moleman brethren beneath Limbo. Looking at it now, you know what that big ball is about the size of? That hole in that canal with the boat. So, it's just a simple matter of shoving it into Benjamin's pockets like the rest of the huge collection of crap he's accumulated, right?
Hahaha.
No.
First of all, Ben needs to use that rusty knife from out of Bill Nilmates' back to masterfully craft a working flute from that hunk of wood stolen from Death's bedroom.
Briggs then uses this to, I shit you not, toot the first few notes of the Indiana Jones theme.
This causes (what is by the far the worst animated creature in this game so far) to make a janky ass crawl/jerk from the sewer hole and grab the ball.
It then rotates in place, if only to show off its lovingly rendered asshole, and floats back into its hole. I've seen .gifs on Geocites animated better than this thing.
The monsterrat.gif isn't nice enough to take it to the hole at back by Nora. Oh, no. That would make far too much sense. Instead, it takes it to the Pump Room. Remember the pump room?
It was locked half way across the sewers, back by the Guardian. The key from there just happens to unlock this gate. Good thing that guardian sloshing up multiple times to see who's waking him up from his nap never caused it to get flushed down the hole with him. That'd make this next part silly!
Down the exceedingly green hue filtered pump room we find the iron ball has been dropped off down here because.............................................................
Here's a note!
Right... So, all this means we need to hit the pump to make it work and hopefully that'll fill that canal so Briggs can row down it instead of walk. Terrific.
Now, Ben takes his concussive maintenance work fucking SERIOUSLY! So when you tell him he should whack something to fix it, he's going to bring his A-Game. And by "A-Game" I mean...
Smash that sonuvabitch with THE HAMMER OF A NORSE GOD!!!
...
Wow...I could not think of a more mundane way to use Thor's friggin' Hammer... Seriously. I strain my mind thinking of something duller. Bravo, Majestic. Bravo.
In any case, this serves to both start pumping water into the drainage ditch offering our escape and to blast a stream of steam so powerful it jolts the ever increasing in size iron ball straight down another sewage drain... One that is on the other side of the map...
I think we need another backtracking video soon...
Finally, the now three times larger ball comes to a rest just outside Nora Ratty's hideout and literally two rooms away from the boat and the hole that needs plugging. But rolling it there? Pfft. How mundane and banal, scoffs Benjamin Briggs. What we need is...
Tooting out the Indiana Jones theme again!
And summoning a somehow even MORE lazily animated mutant rat to carry off the thing again. They couldn't even be arsed to make the thing turn around this time. The animation just plays in reverse.
Unfortunately, the rat monster does not drop the thing at our destination. Oh no. We have several magnitudes of more retarded methods to plug this glory hole.
Back in the drunkard's room there is now a chain Briggs can yank on. It might have been there before. But, it had no clear function until now.
What does it do, I wonder...
MURDER. DRUNKS!
Okay, he's still actually snoring. But, I am pretty I do not see what is happening in the after chain pulling screen other than the guy getting his neck wrung. Really, I could chalk the snoring up to programming error.
In any case, the boozer was hiding a control box beneath his over the legal limit ass. Couldn't have just pushed him slightly to the left, could you Briggs? Oh well, let's see what it does...
Why, yes! A giant cricket mallet whacked the iron ball part out of a former ball-and-chain (formerly attached to a prisoner above in the swamp) out from a random adjacent hole in the sewer perfectly into the drainage pipe allowing the canal to fill all the way so Briggs could row to safety. Why do you ask?
With that, Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs, reunited with his natural element, can finally escape the sewers to erm...
...well, okay? I guess.
Oh...
...my...
...GOD!
I had to sneeze and somebody walked by and asked me if I have to sneeze and I lost it. God damn, do I hate when that happens!
Bonus Content:
Movies -
Captain Briggs vs. The Guardian
Meeting Nora Ratty
Outstanding Animations and Chapter Outro (You should probably watch this.)