Part 21: Episode XX: The Train
I don't know about you jerks, but I am sure as hell glad to be out of Darkmere. Onward to the err...the Machine...?
Right then. With absolutely no explanation or fanfare Briggs is dumped into a completely new industrial zone. He simply walks out of a steel door which promptly locks behind him and that is that. Err...alright then...
The Cave Troll's vendetta against inventory stock has nuked almost all of our items save the Seal of Sufferance, the soul we stole from the new dead by our hand Irishman O'Negus, and the notes from the Keeper the departed blind beggar; which I can only assume are still with us due to being fused to Ben's back pocket due to ass sweat.
It is of notice that the inventory isn't automatically scrolled to the beginning of the list. It took me literally twenty or so clicks to display what was left out of the pile. But enough of that. Let's get crackin'!
First up, there is a fuse box that appears both complicated and dangerous. There's nothing to be done with it at the moment but let's keep it in mind for when Benny decides to inevitably haphazardly fiddle with it.
In the entry way north of the opening corridor is this big empty room with some manner of inactive platform. The game doesn't make it abundantly clear, but restoring power to this thing is the primary goal of this chapter.
Heading back out and further down the corridor...
It seems the custodial staff wants us to fuck off out of here. Trust me, Janitor...if I could I so would. Anyhow, it wouldn't be a Limbo of the Lost chapter if Briggs didn't start stuffing his pockets to the brim with seemingly (and a very real chance actually) useless discarded junk.
Briggs kicks the stage off with severely damaging the infrastructure of the area's electrical workings for a cheap profit to fuel his drug addiction.
At the end of the corridor it is discovered the "Machine" is actually primarily a subway line. Words cannot express how much I hate this train and its assorted stations. I will try though...
But, before I can vent that seething hatred, Benny must first activate the lousy device.
Backtracking to the fuse box...
So Briggs must repair the fuses and wiring to restore power to the train system. Why such a small fuse box is the only power conduit for an entire train network is a mystery to me, but there you have it. Now this thing might have the appearance of a puzzle. It even has what could come off as perhaps clues written at the sides of it. But, do not be fooled...
Despite being a sailor from Massachusetts who vanished in 1872 when the use of electricity was in its infancy and advanced complicated measures such as lighting a light bulb had yet to reach fruition; Benjamin Briggs just happens to be an expert electrician and managed to rig the wiring into perfect working order with just that one little scrap spool he picked up. Fancy that.
Before departing on the train, Benjamin needs to pick up a hard as hell to see map taped to the background. I had to look this up where this thing was. Returning to the train before it's obtained just has Ben dumbfounded as to what to do next.
Returning to the now operational train...
This is exceedingly retarded because the whole rail system is just a single circular path. And on top of that for all intents and purposes it is an automated plaform. Anyway, this is the map of the titular Machine. It consists of alternating towers and assorted maintenance rooms at each station. Right now we're at the "TKEY" station.
There's no real rhyme or reason as to where the hell we're supposed to go next. So now comes the beloved task of just systematically visiting each and every area to see if anything happens. This... This is a very aggravating ordeal. Not having to stop at each every stop on the rail line one-by-one. That's irritating, sure enough... But is really fucking annoying though is this:
Every time Briggs travels to a new station there's a ten second animation of the train going down the tracks and coming to a stop.
On top of that each and every station has the same exact identical (well...occasionally mirrored)two rooms Ben has to slowly trot across for another fifteen seconds. But the annoying thing... The annoying thing is the prick on the intercom...
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have now arrived at <location name>. Now please ensure you have taken all your belongings with ya. I hope you've enjoyed your travel with Wreck and Ruin Railways and uh... we get ya there...eventually."This is said EVERY FUCKING TIME when traveling to a new station. In other words, I heard it nearly twenty times over the course of twenty minutes. It was maddening.
Proceeding to Tower I...
The towers are the most annoying areas mostly because they all have one pointless techno stair case to climb.
And a crazy ass Tesla Device at the top of the stairs. Briggs has absolutely no comment about the technological wizardry at work. He just stairs slack jawed into space and a minute of my life is lost hitting a dead end...
Proceeding to The Heart...
Too bad Limbo of the Lost has served only to temper my heart with hatred and misanthropy. I mean, it was already like that... But Limbo of the Lost sure as hell isn't helping warm it.
It turns out "The Heart" name for this station was to be taken quite literally as there is indeed a gigantic fuck-off vital organ at the end of the corridor. Unfortunately, it seems to have stopped beating. Not that I personally give a damn about whatever it was keeping alive. I just now know it means another fetch quest...
Ben is also completely disinterested with the twenty foot tall mechanical heart and organic behemoth surroundings.
Proceeding to Tower II...
More Tesla. More wasted time...
Proceeding to the Design Room...
Christ, they're Nazis about smoking indoors even in Limbo. The heart is two stations away and it's already dead. Let me have a cig in peace, goddammit! I swear to god if one of you walk by and do that fake exaggerated cough I'm putting the thing out in your fucking eyelid.
In the next room there is another rather empty corridor save for some wires that clearly aren't part of the
As if I couldn't hate this game any more...
In the next room Briggs comes upon another living soul... So to speak... It seems he's stuck beyond a bottomless chasm. Why do they never build guard rails in techno-fortresses? Just constructing a bottomless chasm must be plenty costly. Slapping a rail for safety cannot add that much to the production cost.
It is clearly a dead end over there, Ben. Why in the blue hell do you want to go there? To waste another sixty seconds of my time? That's it, isn't it! I'm on to your little game you sick little man!
It's hard to see with the helmet, but Jethro here is the same exact model as Nilmates minus the zombie textures. In addition, like Nilmates, he shares the same voice actor as Briggs. Except Jethro the Janitor has the VA doing less of a silly voice. So it sounds like Ben having a conversation with himself with the second speaker having a slight head cold.
"Oh, OK!"
I like to think the Janitor was just testing if Briggs would wave his arms about like a retard. The thought that if he can hear the Janitor, the Janitor can also hear him never crosses Ben's mind.
Call me crazy but lock-downs due to power failures don't usually result in automated bridges collapsing as to leave maintenance staff stranded. It's usually quite the opposite in my experience. It's a bit imperative that people who repair faults and damages to the system can get around with ease in emergencies.
The Dark Id is here and he's pissed he needs to fix this bullshit!
Oh, shut it Briggs. You can't pull the "me no understand future talk stuff" when you just jury-rigged a power conduit MacGyver style.
To add to the joy of the countless repetitions of the station stop updates, the Janitor adds to the sound bite bonanza by randomly chiming in with remarks bitching about how slow Ben is and how long he's taking. Urge to kill rising.
Proceeding to Tower III...
At the next subway stop, almost invisible against the shadowy background, is an essential item at completing our new task of restoring power.
This will come in handy for some advanced level adventure game logic in a bit.
The summit of the tower is yet another identical Tesla device in case you were wondering.
Proceeding to the Fuel Depot...
So what does hate do for the HEART? I'm running on all cylinders if that is in demand.
The fuel depot is wholly unimpressive save one little trinket.
We need to maintain Captain Briggs' quota of defiling the dead, now don't we? It's been ages since the last time Ben has done that. Darkmere only had him murder four people and that's not the same sort of fun.
Proceeding to Tower IV...
Remember how I said they added the annoying new feature of not picking up items until it was necessary? Welp, there's another doohickey beneath the stairwell that is left unobtainable until a further date. They had to shoehorn in backtracking somewhere after all...
Lord knows I wasn't going to revisit the fucking power pylons.
Proceeding to the Parts Room...
Well, isn't that just doubleplus good to know?
The "Parts Room" is severely lacking in any manner of parts. Save one last of those lovely inaccessible items.
Proceeding to Tower V...
Guess what's at the top of this tower! I know! I'm shocked too. You know what the most shocking thing is though?
There's actually an item in this Tesla chamber. The trouble is it's impossible to see or pick up unless you move Ben's dopey ass to the side of the room. So yes. There are five identical rooms up five identical sets of stairs in five identical stations and unless you happen to actually not only explore all five but also move Ben around on the 2D foreground plain, you cannot progress... Gameplay!
I do not have a pair of cooking tongs in my tool box. Much less uninsulated ones when it's implied we'll be working with electrical materials. That is...
Now, there is actually an eleventh area to visit in the circle. It turns out visiting this joint was our actual goal. But, we needed the tongs, skull, and metal bar first so meh.
Briggs is expected to repair the train tracks which have...somehow...had a section of it vanish into the night. So, how are we going to do that with the items on hand, you ask?
Why, adventure game logic of course! First up, we're going to take those cooking tongs used primarily for grabbing soft things out of boiling water...
...and do some good old fashion medieval dentistry. Next, we're going to take our newly acquired gold teeth...
...and shove those sonsuvbitches into the side holes of that stick of aluminum. How'd Ben manage to do that with his bare hands? How did seven teeth transform into nine? Who cares? Ben then takes his blinged out hunk of metal...
...and slams that sonuvabitch down on the tracks. BAM! Fixed! Thank you and good night!
Returning to the janitor...
Oh boy... More train riding... I haven't done enough of that... No sir... Trains trains trains... Toot toot! Traaaaa~aaaains! Traaaaa~aaains! Take us away!
Benjamin Briggs, I think that's the first thing you've said that I've fully agreed with.
Ben automatically returns to the railroad car at this point. I don't think electricity works this way but what the hell. As soon as Benny hops on board the automated line kicks....
...into high...
....GEAR!
And thus the dark lord Beelzebub is released from his banishment and brings forth an age of darkness! ...Or the power is restored.... One of the two.
Jethro the Janitor uses his sliding moon boots to glide across the floor to greet his benefactor now that the power is restored.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" "Right, I need you to get something to patch her up with, once this is done she will be on full power and the exits will open. I will meet you at the HEART room.................Oh and please hurry up!"The Janitor teleports to the Heart chamber...somehow...seeing as he doesn't take the train with him. Details...
Anyway...you know those items we couldn't collect before? Guess what time it is now!
I am not even going to ask how Briggs instinctively knows what components to salvage to do makeshift repairs on some advanced bio-mechanical power transformer. Even Briggs himself seems a bit confused. Sure, you could competently handle this quest by having the Janitor prick ask Ben to seek out the items in question for his repairs. But that would take a level of competence far surpassing anyone employed at Majestic Studios.
Returning to the Heart Room...
The oversized blood pumper has been restored to life. As have the random eyeballs fused to the walls. I don't think that's how anything's anatomy works...
The Janitor demands we hand over each item one at a time. I'd just like to point out that for the first two items he has literally the exact same mini-cutscene.
But they somehow managed to make a typo in the second instance of it being subtitled. I don't know why the bugged me so much. It takes a near supernatural amount of ineptitude to fuck up copying and pasting....but there it is...
The Janitor begins hammering away on the fleshy surface of the heart. Welp, he's the expert here I suppose. I don't question people decked out in Mad Max style raider bondage gear.
Ben automatically returns to this platform room I had no idea was supposed to be an elevator up until this very scene.
Meanwhile back on the rail line, the cogs of fate set into motion something profoundly stupid. It seems Ben's MacGyvering of the track didn't hold. Who could have seen that one coming? Seems Briggs is now doomed to die in an elevator shaft. Kind of a downer of an ending but what are you going to do?
Oh god dammit... I was really hoping we were going to get through a chapter with hearing William Nilmates' mumbling ass again. What now? Did he get impaled on a cactus? Fall into a river of molasses? Get hung by the Po...
...the FUCK?!
Nilmate Gear?!
And so Bill Nilmates arrives on the scene riding a steampunk robot with a Laz-E-Boy mounted on top. In retrospective this was definitely not the game to do a LP for after I stopped drinking...
There is nothing I can add to this series of events.
Oh that scamp. When we he ever learn indeed?
With disaster...or at least minor inconvenience adverted (in the most cockamamie way imaginable) Captain Briggs finds himself err...
...at the end of the chapter! Huh? Really? Only one update to finish a chapter? Well, hell. I ain't complaining.
Tune in next to for the final chapter in the saga of Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs...
Bonus Content:
Movies -
What Eroded My Sanity
Janitor Banter
I don't even know anymore... (You should definitely watch this)