Part 191: BCP 20 - We Can Change Anything

X-394 is a big facility, full of mysterious creatures known as Abnormalities. Many of these Abnormalities can do very bad things if they're handled improperly, and it's vitally important that our agents know just what may happen if they're careless. What's a manager to do?



Episode 20: We Can Change Anything

Music: trailer


Hi! I'm Paul! Just your everyday plucky employee of Lobotomy Cobotomy, here today to talk about We Can Change Anything!



We Can Change Anything is the newest product from XX Inc, and is a ZAYIN Abnormality due to its incredible safety and the benefits which it can provide to a facility.

But Miss Hod, what does it do for the facility?

Excellent question, Paul! It only does everything!

Everything?! That's a lot of things!

If you're filled with anxiety about anything, it can be solved with the simple push of a button. All you have to do is walk inside, push a button, and your problem-no matter what it is-will be solved! Additionally, it generates a certain level of energy and can serve as a generator in a pinch.

That sounds like all that and two bags of chips, Miss Hod!

It certainly is, Paul! That's why we've put together three different agents with three different issues to show the versatility and energy output of We Can Change Anything from XX Inc!



Oh boy! We're going to solve issues for me and a whole posse on top of it!

Well, are you ready to demonstrate We Can Change Anything?

I sure am! What do I do, Miss Hod?

That's simple. You just step inside, and press the button!



Now what?

Now you wait. The machine is so incredibly comfortable that agents never leave it, and while it solves their problems it produces energy in addition.

Oh boy! I can feel my crippling social anxieties melting away already!



The red bar here shows how not even the Manager can stand in the way of the resolution of whatever issue the agent is having. Once it begins, work with We Can Change Anything can't end until it's done.

Yowie wowie, Miss Hod! I don't feel worried about asking that spiffy female agent to the biweekly social dance anymore, either!

You see? Problem solved! But wait, there's more.



We've also gained 16 energy towards our daily quota, all while making sure your needs are met.

Paneceal perfection! I'm sold already! But Miss Hod, what about if the problem is external?

I'm glad you asked, Paul!



I'd like you to meet Angel, who has been complaining about a noisy roommate for as long as they can remember. Let's watch as We Can Change Anything fixes that problem too!

Oh boy! I can't wait!



Man, Miss Hod! That soothing beep is soft and calming enough that I could use it to take a nap!

It certainly is, Paul! And while soothing you to sleep, it also cured Angel's problem with their roommate! No longer do they have to worry about being kept up all night by the sound of scratching on their walls.

It's amazing! I'd order now, if I had the kind of money to spend on such a device! But wait, did this problem give us energy?



Mea culpa! That's… _{carry the four…} Even more energy than it got from my problem!

That's right, Paul! The longer that We Can Change Anything runs to resolve an agent's problems, the more energy it creates.

Well… what about legal problems? Can it solve those?

I think you already know the answer.

Oh boy, I hope so! Who do we have now?



Last up we have Yams, who is in serious legal trouble over property damage.

Property damage? How much are we talking here?

She just sawed a boat in half!

That's a lot of damage! But can we change it?

We sure can! Let's watch.



All she has to do is enter the chamber of We Can Change Anything, press the button, and…



Her legal troubles are over!

Astounding! Nothing on earth could have fixed that, no matter how flexy! But Miss Hod, how much energy did we get from that one?

If we take a look at our energy counter, we'll see.



It's a PE-splosion! That's nearly 200 boxes!

To be exact, we gained 187 boxes of energy from that alone-which is very near the maximum we can reasonably gain from a single use. Luckily, as long as there are problems to be solved there's more energy to be harvested!

I've got to get one of these for myself! How much does it cost?

That's just it-it's absolutely free to any and all managers who happen to select its Abnormality cell.

Free?! You've got to be pulling my leg!

Nope! All this can be yours, for the super-low price of 'absolutely free!' And since it gives energy back, it's like XX Inc is paying you to hold on to it!

Jeepies! I need to call right now before they're all sold out!

Well, that's all the time we have today. Thanks for joining us! And remember…

Knowledge is just pain plus observation! Have a great day!


Music: Aspire


Good evening, future Managers. XX Inc has given us a wonderful opportunity tonight to speak on their latest home appliance-We Can Change Anything. Angela, if you would.



That's right, from the makers of All-Around Helper, We Can Change Anything will do exactly what it says. I myself use it quite frequently around the facility. It's useful for peacefully curing employees who have gone beyond the mental corruption thresholds, as well as facilitating as a mediator for employees who are asking too many uncomfortable questions.

It also comes complete with the latest in anti-meltdown technology, meaning that it will never attempt to force us to use it. Instead, every single use of We Can Change Anything will be done by our own discretion. There's no reason not to take it-why, I myself can't consider my facility complete without it.

Once more, that's We Can Change Anything, from XX Inc. Try it out, and experience comfort a Manager could once only dream of. For now, this old man shall cease his ramblings.

_{Portions of today's broadcast paid for in part by XX Inc.}

...Manager, I am still quite confused.

I already told you, when a shadowy member of a corporation that may not even exist outside of the public subconscious offers you a large sum of money to film something you were going to film anyways, you don't ask questions.

As a perfect AI, I am in charge of all of our accounts. We did not need the money.

It's never about needing money, Angela. We simply strive for more, regardless of the cost. Much the same as we do energy, yes?

...If you say so, Manager.

Next time's featured Abnormality…


New Guidelines/Story

We Can Change Anything