Part 33: Extras - Hatchat FF

Right, well. Thanks a lot for chiming in. Pokecapn basically echoed what I was thinking, but I'll see if I can salvage something! No promises, but...

Anyway. In the meantime, it's that meantime again! That's right, Veyrall, get your boots on for this:



I suppose now is a good a time as any for me to justify my Femme Fatale-based slander in the past, yeah? As I've bleated on about repeatedly, the FFs have always seemed really crammed in--you know, as an afterthought, like that shameless copycat picture up there suggests--because of the way that they're not involved in the story at all. That's not the only reason, however; throughout the development of the game whenever screenshots/promo pics were released it was always the story guys doing story stuff in a cool story way up until approximately a couple of months before release, when the following video was extruded towards an unsuspecting public...



Wow! Lady pirates! Kill big! How exciting! At the time, the online gutter that is the Internet Gaming Press fawned over the trailer, praising its lack of reasonable costumes and spectacular diversity while the rest of the world sighed exasperatedly. Were they able to tear their eyes away from the FF's lovely faces for a second, they might have noticed that the FFs use the same animations as all the male characters (even the chunky vagabundo fella uses the same ones (bit weird)) and they have a particularly ungainly gait. The most telling sign of shoddy work isn't given away by that trailer, though: all of the FFs have their corresponding faction's male voices. Whoooops!

Anyway, we're not here to moan about that; we're here to moan about their horrible costumes instead! First up it's the Carpetbagger FF.



Alright, yes. We'll start by addressing the elephant in the room: she's forgotten her trousers. Moving on swiftly, I actually quite like the rest of her costume--it's very Carpetbagger-y! She definitely looks like she's part of the same unit of crazies. (pufty jumper brigade?) Also, a nice little touch is that the little clip-thingies in her hair are the same as the ones on Carpetbagger A's face. Quite nicely designed, really...except for the obvious.

There's also a leader head for the Carpetbagger FFs, who happens to have actually listened to the brief (it's called hatchat, not buncheschat or pigtails chat) and come in a great big lovely hat. Well done you! I like your hat. Here's a game for everyone watching at home to play along with: what's that thing at the front of her head? A fringe? A cool guy distressed "Biker's Bandana"? A part of the hat? Who knows! Certainly not me!

Next up, it's the Sandraider FF. You remember the sandraiders, right? Those guys in quite heavy costumes with breathing apparatus to protect them from sandstorms? And the bug faces?



The Sandraider FF didn't get the memo, as it happens, and has turned up to the desert in the stupidest boots available. The entirity of this costume is awful and barely fits the Sandraider thing other than the shawl being a little bit Sandraider B-ish.

Oh, sorry, did you think that was as bad as the costume could possibly get? You were wrong.

Moving onto the Waysider FF! Quickly, please.



I really can't tell whether or not I like this costume--she's definitely a Waysider, though! She's got that strange thermal wetsuit under-thing like everyone else and her jacket is a little bit shoddy. It's okay, though, I like the shoddy jackets the Waysiders have! I sort-of wish she had leg irons on, too, but I suppose you can't have everything. There's something that bugs me about this costume, though--it reminds me an awful lot of Luka from the first game. Knock a couple of marks off for copying, I think.

She's forgotten her trousers, too. Why is nobody wearing trousers all of a sudden? Surely there's got to be somebody with trousers around here...



Ah, the NEVEC FF has trousers! Really, really uncomfortable looking trousers, at that. I certainly can't begrudge her that scowl when she's wearing the tightest clothing I think I've ever seen in my bleedin' life. Look at that hat, though; the NEVEC crazy hat division has been working overtime on this one! I'm not entirely sure what it purpose it actually serves--a big fat breathing collar or something?--and those cyberpunk hairbands are a little bit gauche but we've seen so few hats this time around that I'll take what I can get.

Last and most certainly least, it's the Jungle Pirate FF. Yes, true to Jungle Pirate form it's going to be a nasty hodpodge of bits and pieces--almost certainly covered in chains and silly camouflage--but how bad could it possibly be...?



Oh, piss off.