Part 10

So today I go to this town of Parcelyte which sounds so familiar and is probably important. Also, I'm in Greenville, SC today which is full of more fatties than I've ever seen, ever. Although the fattest person I've ever seen was in Alabama, this has more fat people, like as in ten people that each weigh 300 pounds as opposed to 3 people that weigh 1000 pounds.

Yeah so one step into Parcelyte:


Is it a felony if a little boy whips out his snake in front of a girl?


You sickos what the hell were you thinking?!


Aw wait how could you mistake a rope for a snake? Maybe like a toy snake I could understand. Or peanut brittle.


She moved closer to the snake for some reason.


Dude is she wearing anything under that loin cloth


Wait. . . seriously?! Selan huh hmm you know we're picking up these heroes pretty quickly.

Anyway they split. I think I'll use because it will make the game hilarious.


All this girl does is cries, seriously. Maybe not I don't know.

Stop crying, Lemmy

B-but. . .

Listen Lemmy. It isn't right for them to bully you, but girls shouldn't cry so easily.

Why? My daddy said that boys shouldn't cry but girls can.

A woman's tears. . . mean a lot more than a guy's.

A lot more?

That's right. So you shouldn't cry easily. Save your tears, understand?

. . . Well. . . no.

You will when you're older. I have to go back to the castle now, so don't cry, okay?

. . . alright.

The castle, huh? I wonder if Selan is like a maid or a princess or something?


The commander? Like of the army? . . . that little girl is probably exaggurating because she looks up to Selan.


This church has a pretty big path out front, might be good for a wedding or something.


I don't know why I was reminded of street sharks, but man that was a shitty cartoon or whatever it was.


BRONE

Whatever let's go to the castle.


ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE


COME ON COME ON COME ON wait it's here I am damn it


Apparently she's strong. Okay we get it, she's tough and a woman and I'm going to get her in my party. I got it. Maxim and Guy have a little exchange where guy notes how beautiful and strong she is, and Maxim is kind of indifferent. And of course Tia is jealous and secretly a lesbian.

You know, the people at this castle say some of the most interesting and informative things in the whole game. Things like


and


I'm glad I was informed of these things, I don't know if I'd be able to advance the plot without knowing them!


You know, there is a serious lack of kingly emoticons on these forums.

Yes, I am Maxim. But how did you know my name, your Majesty?

I heard from the King of Alunze that you helped recapture the stolen crown. I heard that you had gone on a journey, and I hoped you would visit my country. Welcome. Knowing your skills, I have a favor to ask, will you accept?

I don't actually say anything, but in an effort not to post a picture of myself selecting yes, I'll just say "yes."

You will! Excellent! It's rumored that a Treasure Sword lies in the Treasure Sword Shrine north of here. How that rumor started, I don't know. The problem is, monsters live there, so I cannot go! I'm only a monarch, I don't do any actual work. With your ability, I think you could defeat the monsters and retrieve the sword. Of course, I will reward you for your efforts, should you succeed. Do you accept?

Yeah I mean whatever I like killing monsters.

Yes, yes. Someone fetch lady Selan!


That was quick.

Selan. I'd like you to go with Maxim to the Treasure Sword Shrine.

If I may, my soldiers and I can find the sword. We don't need the help of a traveler.

Listen Selan. I know you are a strong warrior. But because of this, you tend to act on your own. Remember, people must always help each other: two heads are better than one. Remember that on your journey.


Totally a mess up, the king should be saying this. It's kind of funny to imagine Selan saying it, though.

B-but your Majesty!

DO YOU DARE DISOBEY ME?!

No your majesty, I will go with Maxim and persue my mission.

As you see, Maxim, Selan will accompany you. Any problem with that? You may lead the group.

I don't have any problems with that, your majesty.

Very well! Selan, this is a chance to experience being under another's command. I wish the very best of luck to all of you!


Uh oh she's going to tell me about how she doesn't work with partners and she's only doing this because she has to etc. etc. kinda like Rush Hour except with less stereotypes.

Yeah

How about the others?

This is Guy, we met in Tanbel and have been traveling together since. And this is an old friend, Tia.

Nice to meet you

Listen, Maxim. I have one thing to say: I haven't accepted you yet. The king ordered me to, so I will follow your lead. But that's all you can count on.

You're pretty blunt, huh?

I intend no offense, but yes, I speak my mind.

Well I understand you don't like this situation, but what can I do to gain your trust?

Strength is not the answer, I can tell you that much.

Cold as ice, I see.

Whoa Maxim, lay off! Selan, right? Welcome to the party! Let's go find that sword woo!

Of course. That's my mission.

Sounds pretty serious! But anyway, good to have you on board!


Word.


She's on a low level what the heck?! Her equipment is so so, I mean whatever.

Outside


Damn there's this random lighthouse here I can't go into. Weird. What's the point of that? Maybe I'll come back later.


Here are the core enemies, who only show up on the world map (and, if you're lucky, the ancient cave). They tend to run but killing them nets a ton of EXP. After killing just one,


That's a ton of exp! Awesome shit, but they're rare and like to run.


Here's this shrine. Home of the first of many ridiculous puzzles that were so hard I gave up as a kid!


You know a dungeon is good when the first thing it presents you with is a locked door.


Regal Goblins as normal enemies, and orks! Note that in this game, sometimes enemies spend a turn doing nothing but "checking situation." The ork's situation checking move is called "squealer." Tee hee.

So at the top it says "squealer" followed by "checking situation"


George Romero never intended for the living dead in his movies to be called Zombies. In fact, he himself called the ghouls when they first started. He never intended to call his movie Night of the Living Dead, either, he copywrited Night of the Flesh Eaters. The studio mistakenly released it as Night of the Living Dead, which is still to this day not copywrited, so anyone can mention it on TV or in a movie, such as Beetlejuice. Anyway.


Lots of treasure in this room. I'd better figure out the puzzle.


Those platforms move straight either side to side or up and down until they hit something if you step on them. Which is why I was able to get to this non-moving platform with this amazing ring on it.


Raises MGR by 25 AND boosts damage to the undead. With the fire dagger, that is serious business.


Here is a picture of the platform I'm standing on moving back to the right after I got the undead ring. Should help clarify what the fuck I'm blabbing on about.


Oh yes folks, you're reading that right. Gorem. GOREM. This is why you don't let retarded monkeys translate games. The other enemy is like Nurborg or something I have no idea I forgot already.


Betcha can't guess the element of this sword!


Selan needs an awesome sword. Also, not that the IP skill of this is a 3x damage ice move, much like the fire dagger.


So anyway eventually I made it up here.


Oh shit


Oh hey that key. I guess I needed to get up here.


Imagine equipping this with the Fury Helm! Alas, I gave it to Selan, because she needed a better shield and also it raises her attack.


I made it over to this door, yay!


I should find a way around that.

Hey did I mention that Blaze learned a new attack, like capsule monsters do when they class change?


Yeah.


This isn't more of a puzzle as it is something put in your way so that collecting treasure is at least somewhat of a challenge. You can clearly walk through that wall, grab the pot, put it on the switch, and bomb the wall. This isn't even a puzzle, it's a test to make sure you have a pulse.


Again, unless you're blind you can figure out you have to fall through the floor here.


As opposed to a rectangular prismatic shield.


It's just a regular shield. . . Okay so this chest is right past those blocks, the ones that I couldn't push from the other side. So with no place else to go, I return to the locked door.


I woner if you can stab someone with this key? Just a thought.


As you walk down this hallway, enemies quickly run out from hiding behind those pillars and engage you in mortal combat. Too bad I murdered all of them without breaking a sweat.


This is a weird thing. You can move that platform hovering over the gap by hitting these switches. The top moves it up if it's switched left and down if switched right, the bottom moves it right or left if switched in that direction. It can be in five positions, top, bottom, middle, left, or right. If I wanted to move the platform so I could get to the door in the bottom left, I'd have to move it left to the middle with the bottom switch, move it up with the top switch, hit the bottom switch even though nothing would happen, then move it back down with the top switch, and finally hit the bottom switch again so it moves left again, instead of right. Does that make sense? Not like you have to know or anything.


So anyway


I LOVE BATS.

FOR I AM BATMAN if you couldn't tell by my profile picture.


Dude, this game seriously has the best item descriptions ever. Next to Silent Hill 3.


Hey that wall looks suspicious if I walk through it at the top there. . .


Oh shit a secret look at that!


Sounds good


Even better!


I won't be able to buy strong for a while, so this will come in handy in a boss fight later.


when you lift the crates, that bridge moves one square. You might think to put a bomb between them and stand on the end of the bridge, but then it will move out from under your feet. You have to use two bombs


Like


so


no


NO NO NO I refuse can I just skip this? Please?

Oh it looks so easy yeah one step okay.


A baby could do that.


Okay not too bad I guess, I didn't screen this one properly but you take the bottom most red block and place it above the bottom most yellow one, then take that yellow one and put it one square over and one up, and voila


Okay not too bad right only took me like three tries.


This is where I gave up as a kid. This puzzle is so ridiculous I couldn't figure it out as a kid, my mom couldn't even figure it out. I think this is the puzzle that made me discover gameFAQs for the first time all those years ago. Seriously


FUCK


THIS


PUZZLE.

Let's never talk about it again. I'll admit, I had to look in a FAQ to solve it. Even though I've done it before.


Oh look healy savey tiles which means boss fight!


since you couldn't even get this far without the key, what was the point of having a second door locked with the same key? Seriously people.


Yeah evil twin clowns. I'm surprised they gave them gay names instead of Tweedledee and Tweedledum.


Pierre is blue. But for some reason weak to ice.


I battled and killed him but oh no he magically reappeared?! And threw me out oh no! Let's try killing Danielle, the other clown this time!


Well I did, but oh no he came back (or she?) anyway the point is, no matter how many times I kill them, they'll come back. The battle is easy and pointless, which is why I didn't show it. Danielle is red but weak against fire, by the way.


You don't say?!

Did you notice something?

Well I mean it is kind of strange that they look exactly the same and say exactly the same things. . . they might be. . . one monster split into two. If that's the case, we have to kill both at the same time or else they'll just keep on coming back.

Then we should split into two teams.

I'll do it alone.

Don't try and be miss tough I work alone commander, and go with Guy.

!

I got it.


Yeah good luck. So Tia and Maxim are fighting Pierre, who is weak against ice, so I have maxim the Cold Rapier (which only he and Selan can equip) and gave Guy the fire dagger (which only he and Maxim can equip) and Selan has no weapon because she's just going to use magic. Also Danielle is weak against fire.


Oh shi


Yes well I used this attack and it pretty much completely wrecked Pierre. For some reason I barely took any screenshots of this battle. But anyway it was easy, I boosted Tia's INT with her lightbulb IP from her shield and blasted him with Gale, while Maxim attacked.


This is the much more fun battle. Not only is my capsule monster fire, but the Anger Bracer has an IP that can raise an ally's attack. So after raising guy's attack, I used blaze attack.


YES! YES! THE POWER! YES!

Okay they're dead.


HELL YES WHOA!



I heard a rumor once about a monster that can split itself in two. As long as one half is alive, it can revive the other.

I've never heard such a thing.

I've been exposed to battles as long as I can remember. I know many such stories.

Yeah yeah


It isn't a real sword, it's just for show duh. Why would those monsters protect a ceramic sword?



I couldn't have done it without Selan. She knew the monster's weakness.

This isn't true. My knowledge did nothing, we owe our success to Maxim.

Fine fine. In any case, your reward is the treasure in the basement. I will tell the gatekeeper to let you pass.

SUDDENLY A GENERIC NPC RUNS IN!



What happen?!

I just learned that someone demolished the neighboring city of Gordovan!

Can this be true?!

I can't confirm the details, but I heard one man destroyed the entire city!

A single man?! How can that be?!

Sir let me investigate!

Hmm but the man might come to our land. I'd rather you stay and protect us.

I'll travel with only three soliders. The rest will stay and protect the kingdom.

What, only four of you? That's too dangeous, I won't allow it!

Your majesty, with permission, we could accompany Selan. . .

That would be excellent! But we cannot burden you with so much.

We were headed to the next city anyway, and I am also curious about a villain with such power.

Hmm, yes. That would be fine, I think.

But your majesty we cannot keep relying on Maxim for help!

Just shut up and go with us, we won't be in your way and damn it just stop trying to be so self-rigteous.

Wh-what?

Well you were going to go by yourself right? And you know this is dangerous, that you might not come back. And your soldiers certainly aren't ready!

It seems Maxim is a crafty bastard, and has you figured out. Please take care of her.

I will, your Majesty.



The troof is, I want to learn about the destroyer. It's my destiny to fight. . . someone.

Your destiny?

A woman in a cave told me I was destined to fight super beings. I don't argue with strange green haired women in caves.

Yes, I know what you mean, I've been fighting since I was a little girl so I can relate.

Well who should lead? You're the commander so I think you should.

No, I think you should. I'd like to observe you more.

Does this mean you're starting to trust me?

Interpret it as you will.


She was already in my party! Weirdos.


Sounds gay, but it's way awesome. Like a gay attack a gay Xenosaga character would have.


Not only is the defense great


But these types of heal all IP skills also heal your capsule monster, making them the best things EVER. You can't heal capsules with normal spells.

Okay, next time I'm going to face a super being and kick the shit out of him. How? By gaining about ten levels. The real question is, should I fight him with Foomy or Blaze? You decide.