Part 24: How Many Ways Can We Say the Word 'Fat?'

Chapter 21: How Many Ways Can We Say the Word 'Fat?'



Since Lemina forced us to crowbar the Cave of Trial into this game take the long way around to avoid detection from Borgan's men, we've lost a bit of time already. Let's hope her mom's okay!


: Sorry, no time to talk, my mother's in big trouble!

See, no time!


: You're bound to end up just like General Leo, scrubbing toilets for a living!

Damn, I sai- wait, what?

: Silly! Lord Leo doesn't scrub toilets! What are you on?
:I didn't say "Lord" Leo, stupid! I said "General" Leo! You know, the washed-up, has-been entertainment refugee... with the limited and very repetitive vocabulary? I think scrubbing toilets is the perfect job for that loser!
: No, I think licking the age-old muck from gutters would be more his speed...

...okay...

I am honestly perplexed. Because when I think of a "General" Leo, I think of, well, the obvious:



And, uh, none of the above apply to him. Unless they're talking about the Final Fantasy series in general, and from what I've seen ol' Vic didn't have the highest opinion of FF, but I don't trust Working Designs to make that oblique of a reference. So I'm stumped.

That, or this guy is on some potent shit.


: This town is filled with good people that really care about each other. I thought it would be a good place to bring him up.
: Well, that's nice, but you should be paying rent. My mother is too nice. She lets people live here for free!

Wait, are you implying everyone lives in this town rent-free?! Either Lemina's mom is rock stupid or a saint.

: Compared to the fear of monster attacks we faced every day in Azado, this place is like a dream come true. Miria is a god-send...

Oh dear... looks like the next town we'll be going to has some problems who could have guessed?



Oh, this is just a random observation, but Vane houses are really big but quite empty.


: Well, I have a special one I've been saving. It'll only cost...
: Don't tell me you're going to charge a kid to see one of your cheap tricks...

Well you're sure as hell not going to see Cheap Trick for free.

: ...as I was going to say, it'll only cost you a big smile! How 'bout it?

Wimp.

: Lemina, why are you the only member of the Magic Guild?
: Hmm? Oh... oh... uh... because qualifications are quite strict.





_{What is "ditch?" Does he mean "ding dong ditch?"}

: Hey there! The library is not a playground! Does your mother know about this?

Also, fuck, the library. I, uh, I'm not covering it at this current time.


: Isn't there an easier magic I can start with?
: Nope, sorry kiddo. If you can't get the magic of blaze right, you're probably not cut out for magic. Why not try a paper route, instead?

I guess this is as nice as Lemina gets about it.




What?

: Would be so kind as to direct me to one? I've been very bad lately.
: What are you, some kind of sicko? Spank shop? Where did you hear that?! I demand to know!

"Seriously! I'm guessing you're talking about BDSM or something, but I've never heard of a 'spank shop!'"

: Vane has never had places like that!
: Oooh! I just knew you were going to say that! I was worried that they were very exclusive, and hard to find! But I'll keep looking! You can bet on that!

Well, I, uh, admire your gumption?



There's a teleporter in the middle of town. There wasn't one there before and it doesn't go anywhere, but it's there.

Speaking of things I should include, let's look at the shops.



There's some upgrades, but nothing all that spectacular in the armor shop. Jean gets a new dress, the Battle Dress, which increases her attack by a bit, but that's the only new piece of armor on the first line. On the bottom, we have the Steel Bracelet, new hand armor for everyone except Hiro, a helmet for Hiro that he already had, and the Pink Bow. If I may refresh your memory, the Pink Bow was (the only) treasure on Taben's Peak, and you had to go a roundabout way to get to it. It wasn't worth the trouble to get it on Taben's Peak, but I got another just to round out the set. Also it protects against sleep, which I didn't realize.



The Weapon Shop isn't any more interesting. We get a new sword for Hiro, the one pictured, and that's it. There's an Iron Mace for Ronfar, although I'm still not willing to give up on my agility bonus from the dagger (although I really should, as he's got a ring that gives him an agility boost, and I'm starting to miss having Ronfar do any fucking damage.) Everything else we've seen.





The item shop, however, is what is interesting. First off, I thought it was kind of neat that they called themselves "Black Rose" because that was the name of the magician's street in Meribia. Also, they sell two new important items. Yes, you do see Silverlights for sale. Those of you who played the remakes may remember you can't even buy these in the PSX games (can you buy them in the other Lunar 1 remakes?). They're quite expensive here, though, so it'll be awhile before we actually buy any Silverlights.

The other new item is:



FUCKING. FINALLY. We can finally bring back dead allies! Keep in mind, the remake gives you an Angel Tear in the very first dungeon. Fucking Dalton sells Angel Tears. And Ronfar gets a resurrection spell around the time of the Haunted Manor.

I'm not bitter.


: I don't trust that pile of putrescence! You'd better check it out...

I included this just for "pile of putrescence."


: Talk about weird! Their leader was a Jenny Craig nightmare client! I'm from out-of-town... but I sure hope all the people here don't look like that.

I have the feeling there's something I've not been doing.


: Boy, Lemina, I'm really gonna miss seeing you around here.
: I'm going to miss being seen. But it's only a temporary thing. I'll be back soon.
: Sorry to rush your tearful reunion, but don't we have to save your mom, Lemina?
: Oh dear! Yes! Mother! We have to hurry...

Oh right. To the mansion!


: These walls are filled with the history of our world.
: Wow... Hiro, this place is kinda run-down, isn't it? I mean, look at the hole in the roof... and over there, that sign's broken. Where's Bob Vila when you need him?

Getting the shit kicked out of him by Tim Allen, of course.



Anyway, no time for sight-seeing, let's go and re-



...Okay, I may not be taking this that seriously.



Someone explain to me what the hell.


: His eyes met hers in a gaze that meant only one thing... Instinctively, she moved her full, red lips to meet his confident mouth. She longer for his strong caress on her rose of womanhood.

This one, of course, is perfectly understandable.


: Make books with titles that desperate people looking for easy answers will buy.

Anyway, enough of this. Time to rescue Lem's mom. I guess.


: Miria, you are the picture of mannerly perfection, as always.



It doesn't look that precarious, although Borgan's entourage is questionable, or he has an inexplicable punk following. Which is still questionable.

: Vane has fallen into decline since the guild fell apart. You know it's true. Now, simple people who know nothing of the way of magic roam its streets. Disgrace and despair are all that are left for Vane.
: Then why have you come to this place you hold in such low esteem?
: Ah, Miria, you never were one to skirt the issue. So then, I'll get to the point. I have a selfish reason for coming here. Now that this town no longer suits a woman of your stature, I have come to take you with me to Neo-Vane.

Oh! Oh my.


: I'll show him!

Yeah, I wouldn't be thrilled about that announcement either.

Although, since we've got the chance, perhaps we can meet Borgan's little friends.


: A fun-loving guy that's perfect for Miria!


: Sorry, forgot. This is the decaying Vane... not my shiny new Vane. It always smells of the decaying past in this god-forsaken place. What I wouldn't give for a bucket of Lysol right now.



Not the most stimulating of conversationalists.


: And you've brought some new friends with you. Introduce me, won't you?
: These are not just friends of mine, they're candidates to become members of the new Magic Guild. I'm gathering new candidates every day. I will revive the guild some day soon!
: That's nice, dear. By the way, this is Borgan, from Neo-Vane. Borgan is one of the Four Heroes of Althena. He worked very hard and became the leader of Neo-Vane.
: So? Everyone knows that Neo-Vane is a pale imitation of the original. Why are you so nice to him, mother? Before, you were...
: Lemina! Mind your manners! Borgan is a very powerful man.
: Pooh! I don't understand you, mother. He's just trying to...
: Lemina, you will treat Borgan with respect while he is here.
: But mother! He's trying to make sure Vane's Magic Guild never comes back! Can't you see that?
: Lemina, as my daughter, you must obey my wishes. Now, leave us. We have important matters to discuss.

Wow, she's actually sticking up for this guy, despite... well... you know... the obvious evil. You know what, if Miria's sticking up for this guy so much, maybe we've all got the wrong impression. He just has a rather unfortunate look and hanger-ons.

Let's actually talk to the man. Maybe he's really a nic-


: Mwhahaha!

Nevermind Miria's an idiot.

: Oh, look what we have here. Lemina, Junior Premier of the Guild. Remember me?

...Anthony, right?

: I'm Borgan, creator of Neo-Vane, and the most powerful wizard in the world.



: Ring a bell, dumpling? I thought it might bring back a few fond memories. Ha ha ha! Hm.

_{Trivia! This anime cutscene is not the remake. I know, how dare they.}



: Oh, I remember. I could never forget a face as obesely grotesque as yours. I told you Vane was off-limits! Get out of here!


: ...I'm afraid that's what's happened to Vane. The hand-writing's on the walls.
: What? Vane is not destined to disappear! I am working to restore it!
: Calm down, Lemina. Listen to what Borgan has to say.

WHAT PART OF "OBVIOUSLY EVIL" DO YOU NOT GET WOMAN?!

: You know, if you get past the surface, he's very much like you...
: Mother! How can you say such a terrible thing?! He's... he's... evil!

While Lemina is only 25 percent evil, 50 at worst!

: Why are you defending him? He wants to kidnap you! Or are you under his spell?
: Gha ha ha! I do not submit my power for your approval, dear girl. I am absolute sovereign of my destiny now. I will do as I wish. Behold.



: Mother!
: Wasn't that delicious? And all it took was a simple wave of my rubenesque hands! Poof! Mommy's gone! Gwha ha ha ha ha!
: Borgan! You oversized fecal factory! What have you done with my mother?! I demand that you return her this minute!
: Gwa ha ha ha! And I demand that you think before you speak, dear girl. Think of the power I hold. I could crush you like a twinkie. No, your mother will not be coming back. She will rule with me... in Neo-Vane! And, oh... if you feel the need to visit, please stop by Pentagulia... I have a summer cottage there Miria might enjoy. We'll be certain to roll out the... dead carpet for you... gwa ha ha ha ha...
: No! Borgan! I'm serious! Come back here this instant!



YOU GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD! YOU WILL DIE FOR THAT PUN!


: ...let alone Premier of the Magic Guild of Vane! Oh... what was I thinking? I can't even save the one I love most! How can I hope to restore a whole city? Oh, mother... I'm a failure!





Wow, poor thing's taking it harder than I would have thought. We'd better go talk to her.



...what?

: I mean, I enjoy the task, and I'm making some good progress, but the job is just a lonely crusade at times. Mia must have know this, too. Oh, Althena, where's my Nash? You know, my studmuffin, my mega-hunky helper? Ah, well... someday. Good-bye for now, diary. Lee Lee

For those of you who never played the first or read the LP, this what the "mega-hunky" Nash looked like:



Either Lemina's standards are hideously low or she has no idea what Nash actually looked like. Or acted like. Or anything about him in general.

Anyway, Lemina fled to the roof, so let's see if we can cheer her up.


: ...
: Say, uh, Chief... I think you should have a few words with Lemina. I think she's kinda come to look up to you as a sort of mentor...

What? When?

: It'd probably mean a lot...
: ...

I think Hiro shares my reservations. Can't someone with a bit more... social sense do this?

: Hiro, c'mon! Go over there and give Lemina one of your pep-talks!

What pep talks? Is Hiro's flatulence inspiring?!

: Ronfar, why are you always so pushy? If you think she needs a pep talk, why don't you run over there and give it to her?
: Ruby, you know I'm not good at that sort of thing. I'm a gambler, for God's sake!

You know, if this was the remake's Hiro I wouldn't be objecting, because he's all earnest and kind-hearted and full of Winger speeches and shit. But this Hiro is kind of an asshole. He never says anything, he openly pervs on women, he snoops through people's diaries...

: I'd only get the words all screwed up and she'd be more depressed than ever. Nope, when it comes to pick-me-up talks, Hiro's the man!

Okay, I'll admit, I doubt Lemina would want to hear, "C'mon toots, it's not so bad..." but I'm not convinced.

: I thought that Lemina was a selfish person... always thinking about money. But she was just trying to get enough to restore the Magic Guild. She's been working so hard collecting money... everyone just thought she was greedy. It must have been so lonely.

: Hiro.. please find the words to cheer poor Lemina. Somehow, I do not have the gift for inspiration you possess. ...it must be human...

But no one else is willing to step up to plate. So it's Hiro's job by process of elimination. Oh well. Let's go and hope Hiro doesn't fuck it up.


: Sure... g... go ahead and laugh! I'm certain it's a thousand... y... yucks! Ha! Lemina's reviving the Magic G... Guild, but she's the only member. I... I... I'm just a big joke! I didn't even have the power to save my mother! And I can't even raise enough money to fix the leaky roof on the Magic Guild! Oh Hiro! I'm just a big joke! Admit it!

Oh come on, Lem, no one could be stone-hearted enough to kick someone so do-



Oh why did they give me a choice?!

Must not choose the asshole option... must not choose the asshole option...



Whew.

: I think that you will be the next great leader of Vane. I believe in your dream.
: ...
: Someday you will restore this town to its past glory. Someday the Vane Magic Guild will once again be the center of this world. And someday, everyone will know the vision you had that made it all possible.
: ... Thanks, Hiro. I needed to hear that.


: Hell, if you're the only gambler, it's a sure bet all you'll do is win! So the way I look at it, you can't lose.
: And I'll join as a member of the Guild... that is, if you'll have me. I'll support your dream any way I can.
: I don't know much about the people of this world, but I do know that you are doing the right thing, Lemina. Follow your dream always, and your regrets will be few.
: ...I... I feel so bad. My only thought was how to get you to join the guild. But you... you were all concerned about me... me personally!

Lemina walks away from the party.


: *sniff* Oh I don't deserve to have friends like you! *sniff*


: Hiro, I'm sorry I ran away like that. It's just... I got some dirt in my eye.

_{This cutscene, you guessed it, not in the remake.}


: We've got to go see Borgan in Pentagulia to save my mother! That lard-butt is going to pay dearly for putting me through this!
: Does she really think we bought the 'dirt in her eye' routine? Why can't she just admit she was crying?

I love it when the game makes the observations for me.

Anyway, let's head downstairs an-


: I'd better open the treasure of Vane so we can use them. I think I can work out a good deal on the rental of them... oh, what the heck! I'll let you guys use them for free. After all, you are rescuing my mother.

Oh ho ho! We can finally go back and get all the treasure we couldn't earlier. There's actually a lot of stuff both in Vane proper and the Cave of Trial, so I'll only cover the important stuff, although obviously you the player should grab all of it. First off, we have:



The Plasma Ring reduces damage from Earth and Water, and it also raises Agility by 10! Gave it to Ronfar and then gave the Fire Ring he was wearing to Jean.



Nice! Not as earthshaking considering that we can finally buy them, but I am not complaining!

Since we're here, I might as well mention...



The Silver Spire isn't in this game; they sealed it up and you never enter it. In the original game, the Silver Spire housed an artifact that you had to get in order to reveal that a busty chick with trashy tattoos was impersonating the Premier. I miss Xenobia-Lemia. I mean, she was an evil demon helping a evil madman, but she kept a tight ship.



Oh hell yes. The Tri-Ring protects from ALL status ailments. This also goes on Ronfar immediately. You can wear two rings, by the way, even if you have to juggle with the equip screen for a bit.

The rest of the stuff in the Cave of Trial, so let's chat around Vane some more.


: He was a piss-poor magician in the old days of the Vane Magic Guild. I wonder how he got so very strong? Is he using the power of Althena?

Hm... as far as we could tell neither Leo nor Lunn received any powers like that, but you have to wonder now.


: Whoops, wrong answer. You're in Vane, home of the Guild. I think you'd better listen. Magic is classified into four basic systems that correspond to the elements. There's wind, fire, water, and earth magics. Recovery magic also exists. From these basic magic systems, all magic is derived.
: Hmmm.. hey, Lemina, this guy really seems to know a lot about magic!
: Pooh! It's all head knowledge. This guys doesn't even have magic power! He's just an egghead that likes to listen to himself talk. Isn't that right, Arvin?

Yeah, Arvin, you can take your legitimate intellectual interest in the guild and go to hell!


: I'm sure she'd be appalled! This is not the proper behavior for a lady.
: Pooh! I'm trying to get this run-down old place back in order and save the world. It's not exactly the kind of work you do in a prom dress, ya know.

Damn skippy.

: And my mother doesn't have to know anything about it. After all, I'm just trying to help her.

Anyway, we do have to go back through the Cave of Trial to get all the stuff, but again, there is no monsters in there, so it's a minor inconvenience. The stuff in the cave is nice, but not all that exciting except for one thing.



Come to mama. I won't be using this Silver Light for a long time, but any free one is an appreciated one.


: There's supposed to be a lot of monsters around there.

In any case, we've gotten what we needed, so it's time to leave Vane for now. Next up is Azado. But first, some silliness before we sign off:


: I will master the magic of blaze!
: That's the spirit, kid!
: Uh, just between you and me, you think the kid'll ever get it right?
: Not a chance.
: Poor bastard.

...

...actually, I lied. With this we sign off:


: All that's left are cruddy, run-down buildings with cruddy, run-down people. I haven't found even more spank shop! Maybe I should try to get to some place with a little mystery, like Pentagulia! Too bad only Althena's servants can get in the place! ...I wonder if they ever need to be spanked? ... I mean, I'm sure they're bad every now and then... Perhaps I could get a position there as chief spankster!