Part 39: Metal Gear 2 Part Twenty: Whole Lotta Talkin'. Just So Much Talking.

Metal Gear 2 Part Twenty: Whole Lotta Talkin'. Just So Much Talking.


Here we are, just outside the door of the Zanzibar Land basement.

Everything after this door is considered the "endgame" of Metal Gear 2, by the way. We're almost there, but we've still got plenty of stupid crap to wade through.

Let's mosey.


Oh look, scientists. Nothin' better than scientists, you know? Petrovich is the standing-up guy, and I guess that's Marv...taking a nap? Let's look at his bio:

Other than that, here's Petrovich! Petrovich, you wordy motherfucker, what's up?


You know what you can add to that bio? "100% a dead-ass corpse". Good job, Solid Snake. You are a real pro and definitely a true American hero.


Snake goes over and finds out that Marv was wearing a dirty shirt. A faux pas to be sure, but hardly a war crime, my friend.

: Don't worry, Snake.

Dirty shirt's not a problem, buddy. We have actual important things to worry about.

: Even after Marv died the OILIX plans stays intact.

Well, it's sure a good thing that the blueprints aren't rigged up to a deadman switch attached to a dude with a known bad heart. That would just be the worst way to do it.

: Marv was a cautious man. He was also a games maniac. He concealed a microfilm in the circuit board of a cartridge. An MSX cartridge from a Japanese game company called Konami.



: MSX? The legendary worldwide computer! It is rumored that even today some freaks still use it..

Some people actually do still use the MSX, even today.

: He kept the cartridge in the locker there.
: Where's the key?
: ...I couldn't force him. ...I didn't hear anything!

Petrovich, what the fuck are you talking about?


At this point, a sort of awkward silence falls on the pair.


Suddenly, Holly calls! A semi-competent journalist-turned-spy! Just who I want to talk to!

: What's up, Holly?

I guess we have a minute.

: About Petrovich...I was curious so I dug up some info on him. After he was rescued from Outer Heaven...He was not too happy...

Uh, about being kidnapped, tortured, and forced to build Metal Gear? Or about being rescued by Snake? Because if it's the second one, Snake can help him with that right now.

: In the West his extreme dogma theories weren't accepted. The academic world saw him as a scholar of madness. He was isolated. As time passed, he became forgotten...

I guess there's not much call for Petrovich's Metal Gear-constructing expertise if there's full nuclear disarmament. Of course, there's not much reason for the West, who sent Snake in specifically to rescue Petrovich and bring him back, to not grant asylum, either.

: One day, he got an invitation from a Zanzibar double agent. Taking advantage of his position, he made a deal.

His position as a disgraced old crazy scientist? And why would a country populated by and led by world terrorists, need to make a deal with him?

: He flowed the latest technologies to Zanzibar Land?

What? How? Was he just...helping the army of terrorists steal things? I don't understand, but I guess this is the big explanation for why Zanzibar Land isn't as completely ass-backwards as it should be.

: He must also be involved in the kidnapping of Marv...
: He knew all the details about Marv's trip to the USA...

This one actually makes sense. Petrovich and Marv were friends, so Petrovich just told Grey Fox where he would be, and the grab was made.

: It must be OILIX he's after. Over...

That was in the intro. That's literally the reason you were sent here, Snake. Because Marv was kidnapped for the OILIX plans. Good job on remembering your mission, I guess?

Bad job on fucking it up and letting your VIP get killed, though. Also, everything in this game involving birds. That was bad work, too.


Call's over, back to Petrovich talkin'.

: I set my hopes on your world...I left the land I lived long. But your people criticized everything I did. I wanted to use my robotology knowledge.

Yadda yadda, you wanted to build Metal Gear, you're a traitor, whatever. Just shut up so that the professional killer in the room can professionally kill you.

: I wanted...to complete Metal Gear!

You already fucking built Metal Gear in Outer Heaven! Then you told Snake how to destroy it!

YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR BOTH THE CONSTRUCTION AND DESTRUCTION OF METAL GEAR IN OUTER HEAVEN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

: But your politicians weren't interested.

Yeah, I can see why. Not only are you crazy, you're stupid as hell. The top brass probably figured that you wouldn't be able to not tell the first enemy spy that came along your entire stupid master plan.

: They all talked about SDI, NEDW, brain bombs and the like!

"A bunch of things that weren't war crimes and weapons of terror! Can you fuckin' believe that shit, Snake?"

Remember, by this time, the Cold War is over and total nuclear disarmament is in the works. Unless Schneider was telling Snake the truth and NATO was full of crazy people who bombed children freely, in which case why wouldn't they want Metal Gear?

I don't think this game really knows where it's coming down on the whole "everyone is a bad guy" spectrum.

: ...But Zanzibar was interested. I upgraded Metal Gear with their help.
: Did you do in Dr Marv?

What? Yeah, no shit he killed Dr. Marv, Snake. Did you think that he was just standing in an empty room with his corpse for funsies?

Guys, I don't think Snake was paying attention to that big plot twist shit that was pretty obvious as soon as Grey Fox attacked at the bridge.

: I had to. He wouldn't give me the OILIX plans!

Did you, uh, ask nicely? I know that probably sounds stupid to a crazy, myopic scientist, but you two were friends. You could have just said "hey Kio can you hook me up with those OILIX plans so I can give them to my boy Solid Snake and save the world?". I think that he probably would have gone for that.

Wait. Wait one second.

I just remembered that Petrovich couldn't actually talk to Marv. How were they friends if they couldn't communicate at all? How was Petrovich interrogating Marv if they couldn't talk at all?

Oh my god.

This is stupid.

: Natasha died on the bridge...because I informed Fox.

Yeah, I already put that together.

: When you went for natural desire in the sewer!

Pretty much everybody who's played Metal Gear games has come to the conclusion that Solid Snake is really dumb, but here's a new theory: he's just thinkin' about what to eat for dinner once everybody shuts the fuck up and lets him get on with his mission. If I were Snake, I wouldn't listen to this shit, either.

Also, "natural desire" is the single weirdest way that I can think of to say "a piss".

: Snake, give me Marv's locker key. Natasha gave it to you.

And then Petrovich jumps on Snake's back and starts choking him! Click here to watch me finally kill this crazy dumb asshole.

Yeah, Petrovich is a boss fight. He just puts Snake in a choke hold and goes to town. How this works is that Snake takes constant damage and sometimes grunts in discomfort, which stops your input for a second. The way to get Petrovich off your back is to equip the R/C missiles, fire them, and run them into your new scientist backpack. Somehow, this hurts Petrovich but not Snake. If you really want to, you can plant landmines and run over them to damage Petrovich, but this also damages Snake, so it's a last resort kind of thing.

Dumbest boss since Running Man.


Petrovich is dead. Update's over. Come back next time when we go looking for those OILIX plans.