Part 29: Dude Looks Like A Lady

Update 19: Dude Looks Like A Lady

By popular demand, today the party will be exploring the cavern under Portsmith!



"I have the Town Portal spell, so I may as well use it. Radaso, I beseech you: take us to Portsmith!"



"I think one of my lungs just turned inside-out. Stupid teleportation."



"Last time we came here, this cavern was full of nothing but orcs and ogres. There should be some easy treasure down here."



"I don't think we've ever been past that bronze gate before. Perhaps our bronze key opens it?"



"A brilliant deduction. Truly, your talents are wasted as a cleric. You should have been a detective."



"Demons? Perhaps they are the source of the evil that plagues this town! In the name of Mighty Talcron, we must slay them!"
"Drewjitsu, I'm impressed. I've rarely seen you taking your duties so seriously."
"Well, think about it. The curse killed all the men of Portsmith, right? So if I end the curse, I can be one of the first living men to resettle Portsmith! Think of all those lonely women!"




"A demon lord? Uh-oh. I don't know what demon lords can do, and I probably don't want to know."



"And now I don't have to find out."



"Even with those demons defeated, I still sense the presence of great evil in Portsmith. We must continue exploring the cavern."




"Well, it's not as if we've encountered any pools of deadly acid in a cavern before. Let's take a dip."
"What about that acid pool in the cave in the Northern Barrier?"
"It didn't kill us, did it? Therefore, it wasn't deadly. Quadrant desideratum."



"Huh, that's strange. Why do my pants suddenly feel tighter around the hips and looser in the--"



"... shiiiiiit."
"Cheer up, Tarquinn. At least you've still got the only sword that you'll ever get a chance to use. It's a pity the pool didn't change anything above the waist -- I like to think I'd have made quite an attractive woman."
"Help! My enormous gnomish testicles! They're gone!"
"Now, everyone--"
"How am I supposed to seduce the women of Portsmith now that I'm one of them?"
"Okay, we're going back in the pool right now, and you'd all better hope that whatever it did to us is reversible."



"Oh, no you don't. This is the coolest thing ever, and you just want to let an opportunity like this pass us by? Hey, Drewjitsu, hold still. I wanna try something."
"What are you doing? Get away from me!"
"If all of you could just calm down for a moment--"
"That's easy for you to say! You're not the one with a madwoman--"
"Mad former woman."
"With a mad former woman advancing on your--"
"SILENCE!"

"I have a plan. You will all stay quiet and listen until I have finished speaking. As... unfamiliar... as our present situation is, we may be able to use it to our advantage. The curse of Portsmith only affects men: therefore, if we are all female, we will be able to travel through Portsmith safely and perhaps stand a chance of defeating the source of the curse. Jostiband and I will return to the pool now; the rest of you will have to wait until the curse is lifted."
"Awww. Can I at least try it out first? If not on Drewjitsu, then at least--"
"No."




"Why not? It can't be any worse than what the last pool did to us."




"I stand by my judgement. At least Preacher can cure us of this."



"What, another one?"
"Third time lucky, right?"



"Someone left a dagger down here. It's better than nothing, which is more than I can say for the last two."



"I'm sure we're going to regret this, but my curiosity exceeds my prudence."



"Huh. I suppose that almost makes up for losing my most precious possessions, provided I get them back soon."
"Very well, then. I think we've seen all there is to see down here. Shall we return to town and begin an exhaustive search for the fiend behind Portsmith's curse?"



"Man. This secret room gives me the heebie-jeebies."



"We should take precautions in case there are more demons around."



"With these boots and this potion, nobody's faster than me! I'll be ready and waiting to zap whatever's behind that door."




"Of course! A succubus! Foul demon, we shall end your unnatural existence!"

The Succubus Queen is a dangerous opponent, because she can cast Finger of Death.



"Or she could, if I let her. Which I didn't."

Of course, that still leaves the Greater Devils to deal with.



Thanks to Preacher's protective spell, the threat they pose is significantly reduced.





I did say reduced, not eliminated.

"As long as you can keep fireballing, I can keep disintegrating."



"See?"



"I gotta hand it to you, Preacher. Your plan went off without a hitch."

"... okay, almost without a hitch. Anyway, I'm alive, and that's what matters."



"Radaso, have mercy on your humble servant's ally, and return him to life so that he may continue working toward your glory!"

"Eh? What happened? The last thing I remember was one of those demons taking a swing at me... oh. Well, it looks like we won."



"Hey, Successhands, now that you're alive we need you to open this box. The Succubus Queen probably had all sorts of treasure."



"Huh. That was kind of a disappointment. At least we're a bit richer now, I guess."
"Hey, who are those people chained up in the corner of the room? Should we free them or something?"
"If it's all th' same t' you, I'd appreciate if y' did."
"Sylphosaurus! What have you guys been up to since we last saw you?"
"Oh, you know, the usual. Travelling across Varn, fighting monsters, collecting treasure, being repeatedly violated in numerous creative ways by beautiful yet sadistic demons. Recently, it's been mostly the latter. What about yourselves? And why do your voices sound different?"
"Never mind that. What were you doing in Portsmith? We warned you to stay away!"
"Why do you think we came here?"
"Do you honestly think we'd hide important information from you? I'm hurt, I really am."
"I was right! It was a trap! You used reverse psychology on us!"
"We wouldn't do a thing like that to you. Heck, we didn't even know about the succubus until just now."
"Oh, don't be modest. To tell the truth, I'm impressed. But we'll get our revenge sooner or later -- just you wait and see."
"That's right! We're gonna smite you good and proper! Just, um, get us out of these chains first, would you?"
"I'm sure we're going to regret this, but it's not as if you're any threat to us. Go on, then, be on your way."



"You have proven yourselves to be worthy opponents, but do not think that your act of mercy has atoned for your dishonorable trickery. We shall meet again, and next time we are the ones who shall have the upper hand!"

"What a strange bunch of people. I wonder how long it'll be before we have to get them out of trouble again."



"We're going back to the pool now, right?"



"We'd better be. I want my enormous gnomish testicles back!"



"Yeah, I've gotta say, I'll feel a whole lot better about this whole demonslaying thing once I've been reunited with Little Drew."



"The only balls I can swing around right now are fireballs, and that's just not good enough."



"Alright, everybody, calm down. You can all go back to the pool first thing tomorrow morning."



"That includes me, right?"
"No."

Well, two-thirds of the party had to make the ultimate sacrifice, but in the end the Succubus Queen was soundly defeated. Where should the party go next? They could explore the towns of Dusk or Erliquin, or visit a castle and begin a new quest. Vote now!