Part 49: A Pirate's Death is the Death for Me

Update 32: A Pirate's Death is the Death for Me

"It's time to look for the Jolly Rancher!"
"You mean the Jolly Raven?"
"That too."



"What makes you so sure that the Jolly Raven is around here?"
"The great southwestern ocean is the only major body of water in Varn. Where else do you propose to look for a shipwreck?"
"The operative words there are 'great' and 'ocean'. What are the odds that we'll just stumble across--"



"You were saying?"



"Um, guys, I don't think this is the Jolly Raven. In fact, there's nothing jolly about its crew at all."
"I dunno. That yeti looks pretty pleased with itself."



"Perhaps the Jolly Raven sank further out at sea. In hindsight, we should have asked Lord Ironfist for more detailed directions."
"If he knew where it was, he wouldn't have sent us to find it, would he?"
"Hey, let's stop at that island over there! There are people over there waving to us, and it looks like they're preparing a cooking pot! Maybe we can get there in time for dinner!"



"Drewjitsu?"
"Yes?"
"Remind me never to follow your advice again."
"But, uh, if I told you not to follow my advice, wouldn't that be advice? So if you followed my advice to not follow my advice, you'd have to not follow my advice to not follow my advice, which means you'd have to follow my advice, which means..."
"Shouldn't you two be focusing on the horde of angry natives advancing on us?"



"Okay, everyone, don't panic. I know we're completely surrounded, but I'll just cast a Fireball and..."



"... uh-oh."
"Time to fall back to Plan C: cut everyone to ribbons with our swords."
"Isn't that Plan A?"
"It's plan A and Plan C. If we had a plan D, it'd also be Plan E."



The battle wasn't exactly difficult for the party, but that's still a pretty miserable reward for it.



"I suppose we should at least explore the island in case these natives collected any treasure from some of their more civilised victims."



"Could the natives be keeping something behind here?"
"Maybe the whole tribe working together could have moved this slab aside, but not us. It's much too big to lift, and it'd take days to break it apart. There are no shipwrecks around here, so let's move on."



"The ship's prow is over there. Look -- the figurehead is in the shape of a raven! That means this ship must be..."



"Ah, the legendary pirate ship. Who knows what treasures could be hidden inside? Let's loot it before Lord Ironfist gets to it."



"I think someone else already had the same idea. They missed a couple of gems here and there, but that's about it."
"Well, that's just great. Time to head back to Lord Ironfist and claim what passes for a reward."



"Lord Ironfist, we have discovered the wreck of the Jolly Raven. It ran aground on the coast in region C-4."
"And when you get there and find that it's been thoroughly looted, just keep in mind that it mostly wasn't our fault."



"So, any more quests for us?"
"Sure. Keep pretending to work and I'll keep pretending to pay you."



"What, even more pirates?"
"We've discussed this before. I will stop sending you on pirate-related missions when pirates stop being awesome. Also, I think technically it's my job to protect Portsmith's sea trade routes, even though Portsmith is underground now and therefore not much of a seaport any more."



"Well, there's nothing for it but to get this over with. That pirate ship has to be out there somewhere. If only the fog weren't so thick today..."



"Hey, guys? Unless there's more than one pirate ghost ship sailing the seas, I think this is the one we're looking for."



"Also, being a pirate ghost ship, it's full of pirates and ghosts."



"It's about time I got to use this laser blaster."
"I'll deal with the ghosts. Radaso, I beseech you: use your holy power to annihilate these unnatural horrors!"



Holy Word is such a great spell. All that's left now is to clean up the pirates, and...



"Not a bad haul of treasure, but somehow I was expecting more from a band of infamous pirates."
"To be fair, we haven't exactly seen any other ships sailing around for them to loot."
"Maybe they buried the rest of their treasure on one of the islands around here. We might as well look; it's not like we have anything better to do, and the longer we wait before seeing Lord Ironfist again the better."



"I wonder if anyone lives on this island? If so, I hope they don't want to eat us again."



"Hey, where'd that voice come from?"
"I dunno, but there's a bowl here to leave gold in."
"Hmm. It's not as if we can't spare the money. Very well, then! I shall impress you all with my vast store of useless information."



"The very latest what?"
"Wait, I think I know this!"



"Current Trends Ironworks in Erliquin boasts the latest designs in weapons and armour."



"Well, that's not a bad trade for 500 gold. Are there going to be any more questions, or--"



"I remember this from the statue in Sorpigal. It's the blind seer, Og!"



"Not bad, not bad at all. Any more questions?"



"And this is what that stupid message in Castle Dragadune was for. I be me, of course."




"How could I forget? That could only mean Lara, the innkeeper's daughter in Portsmith."




"Um, is this a trick question? We were there just a little while ago. It's Lord Ironfist."



"It seems as if that's all the questions we're going to be given. Speaking of Lord Ironfist, I think it's time to revisit him and claim our reward."



"Hey, Fisty -- you don't mind if I call you Fisty, do you?"
"I'd rather you didn't."
"Well, anyway, we defeated those pirates you sent us after."



"Cool. So what's our next quest?"



"We did that already. Lord Archer's not gonna be robbing the rich any more."
"Of course, we can't say the same for ourselves."



Oddly enough, surrendering to Lord Archer and giving him all your money counts as "defeating" him for the purposes of this quest. But beating him to death works too, and is less expensive.

"So, any more quests for us or are you just going to make us repeat your old quests if we ask you for another one?"
"The latter, I'm afraid."
"I guess this is goodbye, then. Oh, before we go, one more question: are you an escaped alien prisoner? Because we're looking for one and we think you might be him."
"Not as far as I am aware."
"Okay. Bye!"



And that just about wraps up today's update.



"Remember when we used to have trouble fighting goblins? Now I can kill dragons with one hit. I never thought I'd say this, but mindlessly slaughtering our opponents is starting to get boring and predictable."



"We've all become rich and powerful beyond our wildest dreams. Why haven't I retired yet?"



"Weren't we supposed to be searching for an Inner Sanctum or something? What happened to that, anyway?"



"Now that we've found both pirates' coves, I guess we don't need to carry these treasure maps around any more."



"My new holy mace is much more suited to my nature, and it holds the power to raise the dead. Now I truly have a cultured club!"



"Ooh, I found that Jolly Rancher I was looking for! It was in my pocket all along."

Since my readers are apparently incapable of replying unless I give them something to vote on, I'll put the party's next move to a vote. Firstly, we can go and see King Alamar to find out if he has any quests for us. Secondly, we can try and find out what was past that giant slab of coral. Thirdly, we can just strike out randomly and explore one or two of the few places we haven't seen yet. Vote now!