Introduction
Courtesy of Cpl. Bacter
Alright, recruits, listen up. It is my duty to welcome you all to the Canadian Armed Forces. There ain't much to the Canadian military nowadays, but peacekeeping. But between that and our hatred for all things American, it's important to our government that our troops be trained to be the best, in order to deal with any hardship that might be thrown our way--even if the government doesn't actually want to spend any money on training programs at all.
Now before you ask "hey, what's the guy from Alien doing in the Canadian military?", let me first implore you to shut the fuck up. Second, I expect the first and last words out of your mouth to be a "sir, yes, sir!", is that understood?
Besides, it was Aliens. That shit was pluralized, you idiots, ha ha! As in there's more than one? Come on, son!
Okay, enough kidding around. Now as I said, Canada basically spends all its time peacekeeping or peacemaking or whatever. So that means you need to be trained in how to locate and defuse mines. Take a look at the training grid here:
I know what you're thinking. "Sergeant Apone, what does the Canadian Military think it's doing training its soldiers on real mines?" It knows exactly what it's doing, that's what. Yeah, we're gonna break a few eggs. But those left over are going to be the baddest Canadian peacekeepers ever seen. You'll be able to minesweeper and cook breakfast for your granny all at once. Heck, if you're lucky enough to might even get on TV:
Courtesy of Lt. Gen. nine-gear crow
Of course, the dead will not be forgotten. All those who pass in this most honourable training exercise will be awarded the Maple Heart. Of which you will all be memorialized right here:
Courtesy of Cpl. Bacter
Maple Heart Recipients - Pvt. Iringahn
- Pvt. InfinityComplex
- Pvt. damn horror queefs
- Pvt. Brony Hunter
- Pvt. SystemLogoff
- Pvt. Ensign_Ricky
- Pvt. Pyroi
- Pvt. Heavy neutrino
- Pvt. Ramos
- Cpl. Tobias Grant
- Pvt. unwantedplatypus
- Pvt. Arelon
- Pvt. JamieTheD
- Pvt. berryjon
- Pvt. Shinarato
- Pvt. ANIME MONSTROSITY
- Pvt. cucka
- Pvt. legoman727*
- Cpl. RickVoid
- Pvt. GNU Order
- Pvt. Gorgo Primus
- Pvt. Dexie
- Pvt. mateo360
- MCpl. NewMars**
- Lt. Gen. nine-gear crow
- Pvt. Holepunchio
- Cpl. Gamerofthegame
- Pvt. sniper4625
- Pvt. unwantedplaypus†
- Cpl. Bombogenesis
- Pvt. Shinarato♠ (and their entire family)
- Pvt. GuavaMoment
*Dishonourably Discharged Posthumously
**Posthumous Promotion
† Company Chaplain
♠ Sports Cross Recipient
Courtesy of Lt. Gen. nine-gear crow
All military funerals will be presided over by my close personal friend and brother in arms, Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
Those of you who complete the training will become Canadian soldiers and will serve your country with honour and dignity. At least until the government cuts funding even more and we have to disband the military. Alright. Now, the rules are simple. Mark all mines with a flag and clear out the rest of the grid. Now which one of you badasses wants to step up first?