Part 2: Wherein their lives are needlessly endangered by an idiotic writer
: Ugh, my head
: My joints…
: My sinuses.
: Beef good!
: Oh gods Volo survived too, did he?
: Typical. So much for quiet, we have only just arrived and already we are beset with goblins.: Actually, the Batari aren't rightly called goblins, they're more a subset of-
: Goblins! Agda loves fighting goblins! Agda's kicks can reach their femurs!: They're not goblins, the Batari are a jungle-dwelling-: So, let's get ready to repel some goblins, everyone. Grab some planks and form a line between myself and the threat.: It's good to see we're not starting our relationship with needless antagonism. 
: Fine, we need to find something to use as weapons - at least, those of us who lack prodigious magical talents.: Agda can use ship planks! Knock out those gross goblins with one sweep, like the frost giant lumberjack Agda met in Waterdeep!
: Right! and I can use… wait, a frost giant lumberjack? : Pick's right - more like two frost giants! Agda will level the jungle!: You know there's a magic wand in with the debris somewhere, right? I saw one of the passengers with it earlier, we could probably-: No! Plank-wielding lumberjack!: I am encouraged to see morale will not be a problem.
: Beef! Have you found anything useful?: Beef find shiny coin!: Oh, let him keep it. Maybe it'll keep him entertained.
: What about you, Pasquale? What did you find?: Lotions, ointments, elixirs, rubbing alcohols, all useless, yet all stored in surprisingly sturdy bottles.: Agda will trade wooden plank club for a bottle! Agda wants to christen goblin faces!
: Excellent. A handful of broken wood and glass shards stand between us and a goblin horde.: And this wand of magic missiles.: What?! You found it? Turn it over at once!: I am sorry, but I'm afraid I will need it to fend off this mob of Batari the rest of you are quite casually ignoring.: Beef found stick!: This isn't over, old man.
: Can anyone tell what he's saying? I don't speak… whatever they speak.: I am not sure, but I believe Volo is trying to get us out of this by reasoning with the goblins-: Batari!: Does Pasquale think it'll work?
: Probably not.
: Fight! Fight for your lives!: Fight for my lives!: Wooooo! Fighting is awesome!: FIIIIIIGHT!
: Allow me to expedite matters.: Incredible! With magic like that, we might get through this night.: Uh… actually, I can only cast that once a day.: Hah! Another victory for the might of the sorcerer!: Why? What spells can you cast?: Lots of fire!… if they're within hands' reach.
: Woo! Who bad? We bad!: That wasn't so hard after all.: Yes, I was sure there were more-: Is that a dinosaur?: That is a dinosaur.
: Back to the ship! Women and Napalms first!
: Wait wait, what's Volo doing now?: He's actually stopped them in their tracks. I think he's trying to negotiate again.: Wonderful, and here I was worried.
: How do you think it went?
: VOLOOOOOOO!
: It's no big deal, these guys suck! Agda's braining 'em with a bottle of laxative pills!: Laxative Pills?: Sometimes I need to… exorcise the holy spirit, so to speak. 
: Watch it with those fire spells, Heronius, you're cutting it pretty close!: Bah, I never hit anyone on accident, I have perfect control. At least I'm up here fighting instead f hiding in the back playing with my wand.
: I'm providing support fire! It's a real tactical manoeuvre! 
: Beef protect friends, kill evil green man!Saldee: Did… did your friend just make that goblin's head explode with a stick?
: I am taken to understand he does that from time to time.
: We win again! At this rate we're sure to where is that dwarf going?: His retreat is hardly surprising. I think we can still hold this field, with ourselves and Saldee-
: …Okay then, but if we work together the six of us should be able to-
: *sigh* Sound the glorious tactical retreat.
: Hold on a moment, where did you get a two-handed axe?: Beef found it!: Found it… where? No, don't answer that, I'd rather not know.
: Oh gods here he comes again.: Maybe we should ask him to keep away? For his own safety?: No, send Volo in! We've finally found a use for Volo - starting all the fights we can handle!
: Don't encourage the man.
: Beef have good feeling!
: It's decided, then - I will die with my hands clasped around Volothamp's throat.
: On the other hand these monsters still prove to be meagre.: Beef saved little dress man, used new axe friend!
: This is the most fun Agda's had in weeks!: Weeks? We're fighting for our lives!: Awesome!: What were you doing weeks ago that topped this?: Limbo contest! In human city! Agda won without bending over!
: Just one left!: I don't fear a single Batari! Charge!
: AHHHH! RETREAT!
: If I must, then… Beef! With me!: Beef with you!: I've saved my greatest conflagrations for last! Finish them!
: Woohoo!: Yes!: Outstanding!: BEEF!: Competently done!: A great… who are those men behind us?
: Oh dear, the elite troops of Samargol, they're not here to help.: Quick! Don't let Volo talk to them!
: So help me, Volo, I will crawl out of the Hells themselves to carve my revenge in burn tissue across your face!
: Let's just get moving. Their charges are ridiculous, maybe Volo knows someone who can speak for us in Samargol.: Stay close, the jungle is unforgiving, as are our captors.: As will be Agda's boot up their asses if they try anything!
Editor's note
The talk of a forced march was more than idle threats. Taken from Cornelius's log is the following excerpt about the journey, which went curiously unremarked-upon in Volothamp's account.
"Travel Log, Cornelius Cent's Journeys Along The Southern Isles" posted:
The journey was draining, to say the least. Of the Vigilant the only survivors known to me at the time were my five travelling companions, master Geddarm, a fellow wizard named master Luaire, a Halfling passenger named Dalin Evenbough, a woman of the crew named Saldee, and a Duergar passenger named Durln Stoneborn. The events of the shipwreck had worn us out, and the events of the battle had only served to further exhaust us.
Thankfully we were all on foot so really there was only so fast we could be forced to march. Still, Stoneborn soon quarrelled with the guards and refused to be put into custody. He died on the spot, not a particularly bright dwarf. Saldee slipped and fell while crossing a narrow bridge, plummeting into the swift waters below. Dalin disappeared during our one five minute break, which of course meant no more breaks for the rest of us so my thoughts on the matter are both good and ill upon him, but should we meet again I may ask him to try and walk ten miles double-time through a jungle. In the interest of fairness.
The rest of us made the trek more or less in one piece. Volothamp was unbearable with his complaining. I began to suspect his famous 'travels' normally involved much less walking on his part. Beef, on the other hand, won my esteem by carrying myself and the Halflings when our legs grew too sore to keep up with the others. Admittedly, he didn't seem to notice us climbing on his back, but he had enough back-space to fit half of our party so he has my thanks for that at least.
: At last, a city! Agda thought her legs were going to drop off.: Yes, I'm so glad we've now arrived so we can go on trial for imagined crimes.: What trial? Have you not read of Samargol?
: I like this captain.
: Beef! Turn around! A woman in green is saving us!: Too scared! Can't watch!
: Quick thinking, Heronius.: I never thought a Paladin would praise me for doing what was necessary to save my skin, but your admiration is duly noted.: Well we're alive and we're not going to be executed yet, what now?: First? Bath.: Then drink!: Then sleep.: THEN BEEF!: Then…
: I suppose we will have to see.