Part 11: Wherein private missions for profit are undertaken

: Misery…
: Glad to see you're awake. Everyone else is already up.
: My memory of yesterday's events is… lacking.
: I'm not surprised. At one point you tried to convince Pasquale if you started worshipping the silk tablecloth it'd be worth as much as his devotion to Hoar. Said you'd call yourself a satinist.
: At least tell me I prepared my spells for the day… let me see now - I've prepared six Enlarge Person spells?
: Yeah, you had this idea for enlarging the whole party at once and trying to convince strangers that they'd been shrunk.
: I have learned a terrible lesson about drinking and studying, to be sure. Come, we still have errands to run.





: A snake for the insidious viper…





: A parrot for the bird-brain. There, an errand complete and another anecdote for the book.
: What about Volo's book?
: The man's struggling with the challenge of teaching a bird not to swear. I have little academic competition to fear.



: Glad of you to join us at last, Cornelius, Pick.
: Yes, just recovering from a difficult night.
: No doubt taking comfort from your faith in your new, table-bound Lord.
: pfffft-Ha Ha Ha! *snrk*, sorry, was too funny last night.
: Enough of that. Due to yesterday's proceedings, a new policy of openness has been enacted. No more secret little errands or running off on our own. We do things as a group, or not at all.
: And as a show of good faith I have shared a job the devil-woman has given me to acquire a jewel from some monstrous Batari. It pays well, and afterwards she may be interested in helping us with this whole 'poisonous saboteur'… thing.
: A reasonable arrangement, I suppose. All in favour of looking for those Batari?
: Pass!



: Briskly now, that's it, double time if you please.
: What's the rush, Heronius? It's just the-
: If I don't turn to look at it, it's not real. Come on now, let's go before I strain something. _{Like my suspension of disbelief}.
: I confess, the local scavengers and opportunists are really getting us down with this one.
: Maybe we shouldn't've killed 'em all.



: Agda doesn't see anything, is Heronius sure the Batari live on the beach?
: All of the wretched things we've encountered so far have lived on the beach, and considering the alternative is the deep jungle I'd much rather look here first and save on the foot rot. I've no interest in carry Pasquale, even if we'd just make Beef do it.



: Corneeeeeeelyus! Agda keep putting sand down Beef's boots!
: Beef isn't looking where Beef walks, keeps kicking sand into Agda's hair!
: So help me I will turn this adventuring party around and we will all go home! If we were not quasi-prisoners of circumstance and a paranoid criminal justice system!



: New town ahead! Sign says Rassatan. That's the last town in Samarach!
: Yaaay! Beef seen every town in Samarach now - is real world traveller!
: Most of the time we never see any more than the inside of the local bar…
: That close enough, Beef mostly only saw inside of bars back home too.



: Behave yourselves while we look for directions towards the Batari lair.
: Looking for Batari lair means get drinks in Luskan!
: I'm from Luskan, it doesn't.
: We'll start saying it when we get back!





: Did we just pick up another quest?
: What's this 'we'? Agda was just nodding along.
: Pick, we were trying to reduce our itinerary of pointless busy work, not eagerly expand it.



: Let's just get this one over with quickly.
: Beef confused… what we doing?
: I ask myself the same question sometimes, Beef.



: See? Just a stone's throw away. This won't be a big deal.
: What was it Redfeather said lived in the cave again?
: Giant spiders, I think.
: Waaaaagh! Beef scared of spiders!
: Beef, the spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them.
: Actually, Arachnid Gigantus is incapable of feeling fear. It is also lacking even basic sympathy and some major self-preservation instincts.
: You're not helping!



: Immediately, a fork. Which way do we go now?
: Ain't it obvious? We split up! Agda's a team captain! Heronius can be other team captain!
: That is inadvisable and needlessly dangerous. We could simply-
: Dibs not taking Pasquale!
: What?
: You wretch! Well then I pick Pick for my team.
: Are we doing this? We're doing this, aren't we? This is what we're doing.
: So Agda's stuck with Beef and Cornelius… could be worse.
: Yaaay! Beef not picked last for team!



: All clear so far!
: _{You don't have to yell to us! We'll catch up later!}
: Plenty of detritus and animal bones, though… this cave definitely has a giant spider infestation.
: Or Beef's been through once before with nobody to pick up after meals!



: What the hells is that thing?
: Blue!
: A sort of Arcane node, fascinating! This warrants a closer look - don't touch anything, especially anything blue.



: Oh goody, another division. Shall we subdivide? Each of you go down one new route and I go back the way we came and await your return in the nice dry inn?
: There is no need to be facetious, one path before us is quite plainly a short dead-end. We shall scout it out and return. Pick, move on ahead.



: I think I found something!
: Sharp as your namesake, 'Fairyfingers'.
: Stay back! My ring and divine protection shields me from their venom, I shall fell these foul-



: Sure, whatever, listen they are spiders and we are in somewhat of a hurry. Problem solved.
: Very… competently done, sir mage. Pick, we are moving back the way we came.



: Hm? Oh, yeah, of course.
: Pick… What have you got in your pocket?
: What? What makes you say there's something in my pocket?
: The treasure chest laying open like a freshly cracked egg is a hint.
: Oh, that pocket, uh yeah, of course. Just some magical doodad for the party treasury. I'll just… hand that over right now.



: Right… so this Arcane node isn't just a random formation but part of a localized breakdown of planar stability! What new and interesting discoveries for - Agda! What are you doing?
: Agda saw it first so Agda calls bagsies on the- Woah!



: Mmmphf! Mmh Mmh Mmmmmphf!
: Oh no! Agda explode into ball of wool!



: It's not wool, you - never mind, just cut her out of there before she really gets in trouble!
: Hold on, Agda! Beef save you! Grab on to axe head, Beef pull you out!



: Waaagh! That not Agda! That giant spider!
: Then do what you do best, Beef, before I have to explain to Pick and Pasquale she was mistaken for a giant cricket.



: Yaaay! Agda safe!
: Safe?! Beef almost hit Agda like a million times with that stupid giant axe!
: Beef not squish friend, Beef just squish bugs! On purpose!
: I can only hope the other three are having more luck than us.



: Heronius! What is up ahead?
: …The way's all clear ahead but I just remembered I think I forgot to sign the guest book back in Rassatan. Why don't you go on ahead and I'll just-



: Mother Yondalla's hairy ankles! It's huge!
: And it's all yours, gents! I'll just be back here.
: Heronius! Stand your ground, or so help me I'll…



: Oh don't be such a predictable sulker. Look, I said I would help and I am. I would never abandon trusted allies in need.
: The fearlessness charm is keeping you from running, am I right?
: I fear its power more than any eight-legged monstrosity of the deep.



: Your fears were unfounded, master Napalm. Huge though it was, it was only a spider.
: And we're heroes! We're the only thing standing between the public and huge, evil monsters like this.
: Us or a giant handkerchief.



: Looks like mostly junk, some magic stuff though - dunno what it does of course. And… hah! Found it! Magic singing pendant time! Let's fire this baby up.
: That's quite a soothing song, actually.
: Beef don't like at all. High shrieking sound not sound like music.
: High shrieking sound?



: Waaaagh! Pendant singer come attack Beef for not liking stupid music!
: It's only a bat, Beef. Shoo it away, it cannot hurt you.



: Another bat? Maybe they're drawn to the singing - enraged by it, perhaps. Still, just two bats isn't a…



: Uh oh.



: Wooo! Bat fight!
: I can't believe this.
: Go 'way bats, Beef have right to own opinions! Thought piece needed percussion!



: That was ridiculous. Bats aren't supposed to attack people like that, certainly not over a singing pendant.
: Sometimes vampires turn into clouds of bats, maybe we just killed a vampire?
: Beef hope not, Beef not brought steaks.
: Beyond it being exceedingly unlikely a vampire would be out this far in the middle of nowhere, plus try to attack intruders while in the form of a cloud of bats, we were only attacked by a half dozen or so. It'd take a much larger colony of bats before we could even begin to consider…



: BAAAAATS AHHHH OH GODS THEY'RE IN MY HAIR!!
: There's way too many of them!
: They are bats. Heronius, pull yourself together and do what comes naturally.



: Oh, right.



: This is the end of this tunnel. If the pendant is anywhere down this half of the caves, it will be in here. Spread out and look for it.
: Oh I do so wonder if this apparently empty cave at the end of a deep, dark tunnel is safe? Surely if I cannot see danger there must not be any?



: Help! More spiders!
: Oh of course, they were waiting in a tight little cluster for the first one of us to take two steps towards the rotten old treasure chest. How surprising.



: I don't mean to complain but we could use a little help over here. I don't have divine protection or an anti-poison ring!
: Never fear, being at a respectable distance allows me to utilize proper, sensible tactics.



: Here is one I like to call "setting my enemies on fire but no one else in the vicinity."
: I like it. Certain to revolutionize the industry.



: Euargh, and here at last I see the problem with Waukeen. Seeking profit means digging through the belongings of dead men.
: Does that go against your code as a Paladin?
: What? No, the rotting bodies give me hives. Help me with this mound of earth, will you?



: Any luck?
: Yes, as a matter of fact. We found the pendant.
: It sing better after Beef give con-struk-tif crit-sez-ums
: What was the other way?
: A lot of bats, a lot of spiders, and some more magical junk that some former adventurers… didn't need any more.
: So is that it? Are we done here?
: It appears so.
: Great! Back to the bar! Let's let the bard know we found his pendant.





: I… uh, suppose a fresh round is pretty nice of him.
: Agda almost got turned into a mummy. By giant spiders. And that was before the bats.
: Oh, the horrible bats!
: At least we did a good deed, right? We got that guy his singing pendant back… so he won't have to do his own singing when he goes to other bars…
: I've been thinking, if our 'payment' was in the form of salvage we took off other, dead adventurers, could you get into a loop or self-fulfilling property where an adventuring party is killed trying to loot some cave, and in the process leaves their valuables scattered around where they fell, only adding to the attraction for more parties to try their luck, fail, die, and have their belongings join the rest?
: Maybe this is how Dragon Hoards get started.
: I can't bear to think any more. Let's just go.



: So, Cornelius… one free round for the whole company, are you up to drinking your fair share?
: Ugh, no. I fear the Deepwine will be with me long after I've expelled it from my system.
: This is why I don't trust subterranean breweries - they don't have to deal with looking up at the sun bleary-eyed in the morning.
: Yes… that does remind me I have that other bottle to deliver, though. Perhaps we should wander north towards Taurich next in our search for the Batari who hold your gem.



: North it is. We are losing daylight now, so try to keep an even pace.



: Hey, I think we're passing Nimbre-
: Pass.
: Pass.
: Pa-ass.



: No Batari yet… but here I see Taurich.
: Very well, then while Cornelius makes his delivery to a fellow 'connoisseur' (read: lush) I shall ask around about the location of the Shattered Spear tribe.





: Did he just give you five thousand gold? For a bottle of wine?
: That's enough gold to buy out Agda's home village! And all the Halflings in it, too!
: I am torn between vindication for being proven right about choosing jobs wisely and horror at realizing I drank five thousand gold in wine last night.
: Wow! That new record! Beef put that down into party status-ticks!



: Rumour has it the Shattered Spear lives to the north-west, past the deep jungle and in a cave lining a far cliff wall. You had better bring some dry socks with you.



: Beef, can Pick ride on Beef's back again?
: What problem? Why not Pick ask?
: Pick would, but Pick's sunk in a swamp-hole right now.
: *burble*



: And there it is. And see? We are all alive and well.
: Alive, certainly. I can already feel tiny jungle denizens forging a vibrant new civilization in the walls of my throat.





: Is there some reason we're not handling this our usual way? With a flashy accent of violence?
: There is absolutely no reason to attack these Batari as they have done nothing wrong. We seek only a profitable exchange.
: And perhaps a few interviews for my book.
: And a hot bath, if they've got one!
: Okay, yes, but my point is that our default state should not be kill things for being green, particularly over shiny rocks.



: In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to ask that everyone be on their best behaviour. Heronius, no pouting.
: Do you know how long ago that spider cave was? And everything here looks so… flammable!
: Beef, don't touch anything - or for that matter, anyone.
: Beef be good, Beef promise! Orc's honour!





: So now we need to find some other Batari, kill them, and take the spear back.
: That… that seems to be the idea.
: Might I suggest that there is a group of Batari right in front of us that we can kill to get the gem? Without having to walk anywhere.
: All in favour of Heronius shutting up?
: Pass!



: Democracy! My one true nemesis!