Part 16: Wherein a miniature ally is liberated at great difficulty

: We may as well get to know the people we are trying to assist.



: Commendable reluctance. If only you had gone all the way and rejected an obvious waste of our time.
: I confess collecting an old lady's blanket is not exactly a priority, but it is on the way.





: How… disconcerting.
: Two gold says they're leading us on like patsies.
: No bet!



: Beef not remember cave there. Must be new.
: Oh yeah, caves get built all the time in swamps! Real prime locations.
: What are you talking about?
: Everyone wants to live in a swamp! Lizard men, trolls, witches, hags, ogres, orcs, giant spiders, swamp elves (there's gotta be a few out there)… Surprised there's even any room left for the swamp!



: Another day, another underground misadventure. Something deep in my bones revolts against it.
: Enough chatter. We enter the dragon's lair now, and must be on our guard. We cannot know what lies ahead for none have escaped alive to tell the tale.



: …Except that guy.



: Also them?



: I don't buy the idea that there's anyone else in this gods-forsaken world besides us competent to do anything on their own.
: I… suppose that saves us the trouble of rescuing anyone ourselves.
: What about Pick?
: Who?
: Little guy! Smaller than Agda!
: Oh, right!



: Okay so we could wander aimlessly in this cave or we could dig out this painfully obvious "hidden" door.



: Uh… would you like us to find you something to dig with, Beef?
: Is no need - axe work on dirt too! Axe have many uses besides chop bad men in two.
: Like what?
: Gardening, cutting nails, building fence, taxes…
: Taxes?
: Beef bring axe to see tax man and somehow Beef taxes all paid!



: Beats more bloody caves, I suppose.
: We appear to have stumbled into the dragon's cellar. Watch out for unwanted family presents and out of date clothes.



: Hey guys, this barrel look suspicious to anybody?
: What in the devil are you-



: Huh. Well I'll be.
: Beef knew all along! It always barrel!



: Pasquale, you owe me two gold.
: One of these days my paladin duties will bring me more than disappointment and charley horses.



: At least Beef makes a good alternate lock-picker until we find Pick!
: Another thing axe do good. Skeleton key!



: Waaagh! Lots of little dragons!
: Lizard men! Servants of the dragon - attack!



: Be more careful with your spells, Heronius! There is no need for so much flame.
: They're cold-blooded, ergo, they are weak against fire. It stands to reason, doesn't it?
: I am uncertain if-
: Sorry but without Cornelius to stop me I am now the foremost sage of the group. Now beware their icy fluids!



: Don't worry magic man, we win easy! Take break and let Beef's axe do work.
: These lizards are nothing! Not even a patch on the fire newts.
: Now there was a terror. Probably fire-blooded. Yes, this whole 'science' thing isn't as difficult as Cornelius made out.



: Burnt offerings to their unholy lord. It did nothing to preserve them from our holy vengeance.
: Looks like they had that old lady's blanket!
: Excellent! She can have the holy blanket, I'll take care of the unholy treasure.



: Tread carefully, Beef! Try going around the traps for a change.
: Beef miss little friend Pick! Pick always used to stop rocks from falling on Beef's head.
: I would say you should invest in a helmet to protect yourself, but I honestly wonder if brain damage has any work left to do in there.



: Beef! What do you see ahead?
: Bugs!
: Bugs?



: Oh, giant bugs. This hardly seems worth our time. Practically house-work, not adventuring.
: We should be charging for pest control.



: Who stone man?
: That is Tyr, a god of justice. He is a positive influence on my lord, pulling him towards righteous vengeance.
: Looks like somebody's already been at old Tyr before we got here - the statue's missing a hand.
: Tyr is sometimes called the maimed. He is a one-handed god.
: Pah! Who ever heard of a god losing a hand? Now, whoever cut his hand off, there's the god for Agda.
: Odd to find one of his statues in a lizard's lair. They rarely worship the gods of good.
: Pity if they've started, it's one of their better features. I might even find lizard men tolerable were it not usually legal to kill and rob them.



: That statue marks a central chamber with many wings. We had best do a clean sweep.



: What can you see now?
: Big bug!
: Will someone else take over scouting ahead? Or get him a spotting guide?



: Umber hulk! Time for Beef's Big Bug Bashathon!
: No big bug bite Beef! Beef bash bed bugs when brat, now bop big bad bug!
: Keep up the good work back there! Nice use of assonance!



: Now let's see… thirty gold, thirty five gold, forty gold…



: The beast is slain.
: Good job, go team, can someone help me get the lid off of this magic jar?
: Hah! No jar can stop Agda! Pickles, mixed nuts, magic, any kind of jar!



: Waaaagh! Is like trick can of peanuts with snakes inside!
: A can of peanuts? More like… uh…



: Roast… peanuts?
: Weak.
: I'm out here being magnificent every day of the week! They can't all be gold!



: They were but a nuisance. Probably an experiment gone awry.
: Beef like how tiny men flew up to head height, Beef not have to lean down to fight!
: Whatever they were they were guarding this magic jar with their lives, it must have something valuable inside…



: What in the- it's full of shit!
: Pot and kettle, perhaps?



: That was a dead end. Let us try sweeping a new direction from the central chamber.
: Agda's getting sick of lizards and bugs. Where's the dragon they promised?
: Now that you mention it, a lot of these tunnels and caves wouldn't fit a dragon at all. We had to stoop to get in through the cave mouth, in fact.



: We are embroiled in a life and death struggle with elite lizard men warriors and you wish to question the architecture?
: Don't pretend you can't see what I'm talking about! Dragons are multiple stories high! How would they fit through doorways?



: That is a perfectly fair question. I will consider it when someone is not trying to bash my head in.



: Argh! More lizard men? What, are they setting up franchises or something?



: It makes no difference. These are no true warriors. Their smell stings more than their blades.



: Alas, another dead end. We are frustrated at every turn. Literally.
: It's not all bad. Plenty of valuable knick-knacks to loot. Not to mention the lizard skin should make some seriously snazzy belts and briefcases when we're done here.



: This had better be the right direction, the stench of dying lizards is starting to make my eyes water.



: That's them for sure! The big lizard is the chief, Agda saw him take Pick!
: Then we have a wrong to right and vengeance to deliver. Beef!
: Waaaagh! Beef make chief brief!



: Just keep them off me long enough to dispense with their 'magical' backup. A handful of savages playing at sorcery will hardly slow me down.



: Be careful! These are the greatest warriors of the tribe! Watch out for the chieftain's axe!



: Agda fears no foe! 'Specially now that they don't have a dragon backing 'em up.



: Beef follow Agda example, backstab with whole axe!



: They are finished. I think we have obliterated the entire tribe.
: We could hunt down the women and loathsome offspring, just to be sure.
: Besides the fact that this appears to be solely a warrior clan, I am a Paladin. I would not harm innocent children.
: Yes, but-
: Agda's heard this one before! Don't listen, Pasquale! There's no good ending to that argument.

Editor's Note:

Modern readers may be curious as to the identity of the lizard man tribe serving the dragons that plagued the Mere of Dead Men at this point in time. My best investigations suggest they are not in fact related to the tribe of lizard men that to this day live in and around the former location of Highcliff. Further, no recording of women or children exists either based with them or anywhere else in the swamp.

This suggests the tribe was in fact an entirely warrior offshoot, perhaps a cult, mercenary band, or other non-social community that had attached itself to draconic service. That no known members have survived to the present certainly suggests this, and although neighbouring lizard men tribes are mostly tight-lipped about their own internal affairs no reprisals or bad blood were noted between the human settlers and lizard men deriving from this incident.

There was, however, a bit of a reaction to the sudden uptick in 'snake-leather' boots, suits, belts, and cases following the dragon incident. After a few brief altercations the offending items were politely retired and not widely spoken of again.



: Beef find new shiny on dead lizard!
: Good for you, Beef!
: It is a little smaller than your previous axe, is it not?
: It not just size that count. Sometimes glowy too.



: Please someone say they found a key or guidestone or secret password that lets us into the dragon's hoard.
: Regrettably no. I suspect it is a matter we will have to take up with the owner of the hoard, assuming we can find it.
: To be so close, yet so far away… This is what it feels like to love, isn't it?
: So I have heard.



: No door stop Beef from saving friend! Or fighting more lizards! Both good!
: Who's there?



: Pick! You're alive!
: A bit banged up, but yeah.
: I am glad to see you are not hurt.
: Yaaay! Little man not in little pieces!
: The only thing they bruised was my ego. I always thought I'd be the one doing the rescuing.
: Don't feel bad, Pick! We live in modern times - damsels in distress can be guys now too!
: If Pasquale is my knight in shining armour… I think I was short changed.



: Very funny. Now our second matter… did we not see this man leaving already?
: Who, Tarmas? No, he's been here the whole time. Here, I managed to… liberate the key to his cell. Also get my weapons back. And I think I swiped a money purse but it's just full of dead beetles.
: Agda's missed Pick so much.



: Hopefully he can explain.





: More questions than answers, unfortunately.
: Beef confused. How wizard in two places at once?
: Duh, Beef, they're twins!
: Please tell me someone-
: Got it.
: Yes.
: Good. I take it we're heading back to confront this menace? Even though there is nothing in it for us now that our compatriot is free?
: Definitely.
: Lovely.