Part 33: Wherein a temple is infiltrated

: So do we just head straight into the jungles or - woah!
: Trolls! And jungle goblins!
: Batari!
: Does anyone else see the edge of the world to the North? I know we are pressed but I cannot help but notice that the ground just ends and-
: Oh no, monsters! We better focus on them and not any nearby holes in reality.



: Ahhh, Beef have warm memories of stomping jungle goblins.
: It seems so long ago. We had no idea what we were in for. Remember when we were armed with bits of glass and wood and Pasquale's laxative pills?
: Good times!
: Not for me. Hence the pills.



: Oooh! Oooh! Beef want leftover goblins!
: Oh let him. It means so much to him.
: I suppose if this is his last chance to fight Batari we may as well let him make the most of it.



: Okay, this is not fair.
: Nothing is ever easy, is it?



: Thankfully, all powered up like we are it isn't that hard either.
: Is good practice round! Nice of snakes to leave lots of warm-up fights along way.



: _Mother!
: "isn't that hard", "warm-up fights", I hold you two directly responsible for this.



: I didn't sign up for dinosaurs!
: Show some backbone, Heronius.
: It's easy to be brave when you've got a Globe of Invulnerability memorized!
: Some of us know spells outside of the evocation tree, and we reap the benefits.

Editor's Note:

It may seem prudent at this time to note that I have abridged the number of dinosaur encounters our heroes actually encountered in the North of Chult. Acording to available sources (personal accounts, druid estimates, migratory pattern changes) our heroes engaged a nigh-endless stream of mega-raptors over a day-long period and well into the night. What exactly aggravated and attracted the large creatures is unclear, but what is clear is that ever mega-raptor within a day's travel descended on these six individuals as they tried to cross the jungle.

While their survival against this seemingly random series of encounters should seem nigh-miraculous, such phenomena appear to follow professional adventuring parties Realm-wide. Even normally domestic fauna will hurl themselves in the path of a part of adventurers, to say nothing of the inexplicable 'Dire' strains of most every animal that seem to exist solely to antagonize heroes. The evolutionary niche of the Dire Rat has never been clear, but it does have a home at the bottom of the adventure food chain.

Regardless, for readability the vast majority of mega-raptor attacks our heroes were subjected to have been omitted. For further reading from the accounts of the adventurers themselves on the topic of the attacks, please consult 'Newly-Endangered Fauna of Samarach' (Dr. Cornelius), 'Reports from Northern Chult that I may have had something to do with' (Sir Pasquale), and 'Napalm Diaries, Volume 26, Appendix D, Things I Shall Hate Forever {Animals}' (Heronius).



: Okay, so here's some ruins. Is this the temple?
: Beef hope so. Beef spent all day beating dinosaurs, not want to be going wrong way have to beat dinosaurs all over again.
: Couldn't be. Much too small, and clearly abandoned, although we are getting close- oh you must be joking!



: Nobody get to sleep tonight, maybe?
: Unusually perceptive. Tragically likely.



: How many more giant dinos left?
: So long as the answer is "more than zero", it's too many for us to stop and catch our breath. Keep fighting.



: Path up ahead!
: Anything to get us out of these lowlands. The air would be unbreathably foul even without the musky smell of rotting mega-raptors.



: Finally! This had better be the right temple of the world serpent.
: I'd say something, but now that I think about it this is the third such snake temple we've encountered.
: Well this one doesn't look ruined or abandoned, so that's a start. Actually kind of weird to see one of these places in their prime.
: Uh, maybe not good time, but… more dinosaurs?
: Ughhhhhhhh.



: Beef never thought it possible, but killing giant dinos not fun any more.
: A Beef that has tired of killing giant dinosaurs has tired of life.
: Here, let me cure some of that ennui.



: How many apex predators can one ecosystem handle?
: I think it's official: we've wiped out the dinosaurs. They're extinct.
: Awwww, Dino-King not going to like this.
: Agda's adding "Destroyer of Dinosaurs" to Agda's titles, everybody cool with that?



: Before we proceed, important party business: I move we take a nap. All in favour?
: Aye.
: Aye!
: Ayeayeayeayeayeaye!
: We should be well rested before we start our assault…
: Glad you feel that way, because I'm invoking the paladin's code to make you take first watch.
: It really does not work like-
: Paladin's code! Coooooooode!



: This place is huge!
: It certainly makes an impression.
: Beef like how temple not ruined yet. Is nice to get first try.
: Hold, I believe we have the attention of the greeter.



: Great save, Heronius!
: I've resolved to bring my A-game lies to this challenge. Why don't we take our time, now that they think we're friends?



: This is one swank mega-temple.
: Don't be fooled. These institutions are crammed with petty commercialism just below the surface. Their flock is fleeced like… sheep.
: We need to find our way to Zehir or his powerbase before we are found out ourselves. Let us split up to cover more ground and look for the way up.



: Whoops, wrong room. We'll just be-



: Your intervention was timely. Our mission was surely in peril!
: Thank you, I'd like my statue in bronze if possible.



: Pick, we're supposed to be snooping! Quit bugging that glassy-eyed guy.
: He's the in-temple merchant! He's actually got some incredible deals.
: Are you shopping?
: At these prices? It's more like stealing! _{I may also do some stealing while we're here.}
: Ugh, fine, just hurry up. Honestly, boys and shopping.

Editor's Note:

The temple did in fact run a thriving merchant trade, in mocking parallel to the company Sa'Sani ran in Samargol and the Sword Coast. Clan Se'Sehen was after all a thriving Yuan-Ti society and had their own resource needs, particularly in the run up to the proposed Zehir-inspired crusade.

This economical need clashed sharply with the theocratic impulses and megalomaniacal goals of the clan and the cult of Zehir, however. The merchants, for example, were forbidden from actually selling anything to the Yuan-Ti - they simply took what they needed. All none-Yuan-Ti were seen as either slaves or cultists, and cultists were effectively just extremely dedicated slaves who still owned no private property or goods.

The Yuan-Ti for their part were effectively prevented from doing economic work, meaning they produced no goods. This resulted in the class with all the money and power having no way to exchange that money with the labouring class that produced their goods. To top it off, instead of minting their own currencies the Yuan-Ti settled for using the gold coin standard of human cities, creating an unstable monetary system where money could enter the economy from raiding and pillage, but was all turned over to the Yuan-Ti as tribute - which they never spent, because charging them money was forbidden.

One might fairly ask how such an ill-thought out system could work in the long term, or even the short term. The answer is that it never did - our heroes are soon to ensure that.



: Look! Look! Paskwell! Beef find stairs up all by self!
: That is very good, Beef! I am sure the others will be very proud of you too.



: Oh, excellent! The stairs down!
: But… are we not going up? To face Zehir?
: Sure.
: Eventually!
: The signage suggests the armoury is downstairs. Priorities.



: Yaaay! Beef like Kender in candy store!
: Beef, no more than two choices. We don't need you weighed down with weapons you won't use.
: You'll spoil your appetite for later looting!
: But… but Pick taking three weapons!
: They're throwing knives, Beef. They count as a set.
: Hmpf. Beef never get to have fun.
: When we are all quite finished here we should head for that upper floor.



: Temple's starting to look like a spa again.
: What is it with these serpents and soaking themselves? I had never thought of snakes as amphibious.
: I am not complaining. Perhaps while our cover holds we should indulge in…?
: Pass. I don't want a bunch of snakemen ogling me while I try to bathe, that could be so disconcerting. Maybe after we've killed everyone.



: …I think this elf's a slave. She's got slave markers, plus that creepy distant slavey look.
: Do we have a policy on slaves?
: I am fairly sure I am supposed to step in now and say emphatically that we do in fact care about slaves.
: Beef will save poor slave lady! Beef will be great emasculator!



: So, we need to retrieve a book of code phrases…
: And there is a room full of deadly traps just behind her…
: Oh no. Ohhhh no.
: This is all you, Pick. You're our sneak. This is a sneaking mission.



: Why do I always have to do the sneak stuff? Agda's better at stealth and tracking!
: Well yeah, but Agda can only pick a lock by smashing it with a mace. Not gonna help our cover.
: If she were to give you a pep talk using personal pronouns to underline the importance of the mission in an emotional manner, do you think that would improve your performance?
: What? No!
: Aw phooey, had a good one.
: In that case you had best just drink this invisibility potion. I did come prepared for this situation, you know.
: Do you have any more invisibility potions?
: Uh… no.
: Better move fast then, Pick.



: Okay, okay, this isn't so bad, just some pressure plates, just a corridor, I can do this. I can-



: AAAAAAaaaaa_aaaaa!
: _{please don't hear that scream}



: How long did he say the potion would last again?
: …He didn't say. Better work this lock faster.



: Great, locked box, ergo probably secret book. No problem. No traps even. Wait. That seems weird. There could be a trap here I can't see.
: But how can I disable a trap I can't see? If I get hit by a trap I'll lose my invisibility… wait!



: That trap-detection lense! I picked that thing up forever ago. Wow, what a callback.



: Woooo! I did it! I'm the best thief ever!
: I feel like I learned something important. Also, uh, I should probably stop talking to myself.



: please don't run out of invisibility please don't run out of invisibility please don't run out



: Mission accomplished!
: Waaagh! Pick's ghost haunting us! Pick must be dead from secret mission!
: No, Beef, Pick's simply still invisible. Good show, Pick. I take it you have the book?
: Right here! We've got the code phrases now.
: Wooooo! We're kicking the shins outta this temple!
: Excellent work, Pick. We may now proceed.
: So nobody else is worried about saying all this in front of the slave?



: Agda's spa-senses are still tingling. Baths look so warm. So inviting…
: Beef not need bath yet! Beef took one before adventure started!
: Do not focus on the baths, Beef, if they make you anxious - focus on all of the enemies our plan allows us to bypass.
: That even worse! Beef better get to fight Zehir, Beef not come all this way to sneak behind Zehir and push into bath.
: A delightful plan B, I think.



: Another detour? I must object.
: Big surprise there. Unfortunately for you I'm invoking the Paladin's code again.
: What? How? And also you cannot.
: Simple. These are slave-keeping snake men. That means they probably have prisoners or slaves or something somewhere around. As a Paladin you're obliged to look for them to set them free.
: …Well played, Heronius.
: Heronius, why would you want to go looking for slaves to free?
: Hm? Oh, because we probably won't find any slaves and the room'll be full of plunder instead.



: Bugger. A library.
: Fantastic! The lore of generations of Yuan-Ti, as well as many stolen and proscribed texts, all stored in one place!
: Alas, a deadly trap - the boring words of dead people. We must leave him, my friends, Cornelius is lost to us.
: Hush, you.



: Whoops, the librarian!
: Uh oh. Beef not returned last book to library on time! Fee going to be huge!



: An excellent lie, my young apprentice! There is hope for your tiny self yet.
: We shouldn't tarry. I shall help myself to some of their most powerful scrolls and we will away.



: Before us is the serpent lord, master of the Se'Sehen armies. He likely awaits an audience with Zehir or his representative, meaning we must be close.
: We shall need to distract his attention then while we gain access to the upper levels. The rest of you stay here while Cornelius and I open the path.



: Yyyyeah, distraction sounds boring. We're gonna go explore, good luck with the serpent lord!
: Wait up!
: Get back here! Don't leave me with no one but Beef to help me outwit this snake!
: No worry Heronyus! Beef help trick evil snake man. Maybe we pretend we snakes too?
: …I'm going to regret this. How do we trick him?
: Heronyus ever see donkey costume? Well, Beef already green and have arms, so if Heronyus get into big sack then-
: Never mind. I'll handle this.



: So, a snake general huh? Must be interesting.



: I miss civilization. Back in Luskan when someone talks about "appetite for slaves" they mean it as perfectly reasonable innuendo.
: Beef not understand.
: You'll understand when you're older.
: Actually, I sort of hope you won't. Worrying implications.



: Look, Pick - backrooms! There could be anything inside them!
: Including trouble. I'm not convinced this is a great idea.
: Is Pick passing up a chance at finding secret loot? Wow, guess this is our last adventure. Let's look anyway!



: Whoop! Occupado!
: Terribly sorry, we didn't think to knock.



: Uh, thanks but no thanks, miss. Agda, we should probably-



: Agda? What're you… um…





: Behold, as my supreme powers and long preparations enable us to penetrate the sacred fastness of mighty Zehir.
: We have a phrasebook. Which we just found. This is not high wizardry.



: Another puzzle solved by the masterful… okay fine this temple has a poor excuse for security. I just want to feel better about all the preparations I made that we apparently don't need.
: Do not blame yourself. Maybe the next floor contains puzzles and riddles that can only be solved with the aide of random trivia about Samarach painstakingly researched in advance?
: Don't get my hopes up.



: The way is clear.
: Right in the nick of time! I was running desperately low on small-talk. Lord knows Beef wasn't holding up his end of the conversation well either.
: Beef not good with names! Giant snake-lords all look alike to Beef.
: Well maybe but you're not supposed to admit that to one's face! Manners!
: Where are the Halflings?
: Run off, to cause trouble for us no doubt-
: Hi Pick! Hi Agda!



: Whew! Sorry guys, we uh… just had to check in the back.
: Nothing to worry about there! Yup, no traps, trouble, or treasure.
: …Do you want to, or should I?
: No, by all means go ahead.
: Thank you. Pick? Agda? You are wearing each other's clothes.
: What? No we're… oh, wait. Never mind.
: Agda thought the pants were a little loose. And cleaner.
: Ewwwww, Pick have girl cooties now!
: I can almost understand the clothing mix-up but how did they manage to wear the wrong masks? Surely those they should have-
: Moving on now, to the upper level if you will.



: Okay, no more distraction or other foolishness. We have entered the forbidden part of the temple meant only for the highest Yuan-Ti. If we are seen the alarm will sound. Move quietly and carefully.
: That is not our forte as a group. I propose an alternate strategy. It is called 'Run as quickly as we can'.
: It lacks subtlety, but I confess, our chances of collectively shadowing and evading the guards are small.
: So wait, we're going in blind? Straight to the end? How are we supposed to do that?



: Run run run!
: Which way are we supposed to go?
: Follow Pick!
: How does he know?
: I don't! I'm just in front!



: Wait, hold on! Pressure plates! One wrong step and the alarm sounds.
: Beef hear snakes coming up from behind! Need more running!
: Don't shove! I don't want to set off an alarm.
: Actually some of them are just incredibly deadly ice traps.
: Beef not want to become snow ManFist, Beef be good.



: Okay the way's clear!
: Quickly! The guards approach!
: This plan is nuts! Agda loves it! Woooo!
: What happened to all those nights of planning?
: I spent most of that time trying to come with an explanation for why I had no clue what to do here! Keep running!

Editor's Note:

On the topic of Cornelius's preparations for facing Zehir, beyond furnishing the party with powerful weapons and trinkets, Cornelius mostly struggled with information about the challenges ahead. The lower levels of the temple of the world serpent were at least sometimes open to outsiders (albeit usually slaves), and finding out about the nature of the inhabitants and whether they could be infiltrated was simple enough. The higher levels, however, were restricted to all but the most powerful Yuan-Ti, and thus nothing was known about them outside of that small clique.

As such, the entry for this level of the temple in his planning journal is a jumble of crossed out suggestions, speculation, and the occasional bored doodle. At the bottom of the page, circled in a desperate hand, the sum total of his plan reads "just make something up and run like hell".

Oddly, in the accounts of his fellow adventurers, they were later to independently assert it had been his best idea yet.



: What are you waiting for?
: It's Heronius! He hit one of the ice traps! The alarm didn't sound but he's frozen in place.
: The guards will be here any moment!
: We can't stop now, these stairs lead up to the roof and to Zehir! Just snap him off and carry him up. He'll keep.
: _{Uck. Oou.}



: Dear gods, it's Zehir… he's real!
: The leader of house Se'Sehen and the avatar of Zehir on the world, not to mention the very eyes of Zehir himself have appeared.
: This is bad.
: No, this great! Not have to do any little fights, just one great big fight! Beat all big bad guys at once, go home happy. And quickly.
: Or get blown up by an angry God then stomped on by an entire temple of reinforcements we left behind us. Don't go home at all.
: It's too late for that now. This is our one chance to destroy the leadership of house Se'Sehen, end the malign influence of the Yuan-Ti, and save both the Sword Coast and Samarach from the storm of Zehir!
: Right!



: I'm out.