Table of Contents

• Episode I: A Good Joke
• Episode II: Why Ogres Lost the Election
• Episode III: How Not to Combat the Undead
• Episode IV: The Bottom of the Barrel
• Episode V: Liver and Onions
• Episode VI: Keep Away From Children
• Episode VII: Improper Use of Scissors
• Episode VIII: The Goddamn Water Puzzle
• Episode IX: Jumper
• Episode X: The Facts of Life
• Episode XI: Library of Congress - Survival Horror Edition
• Episode XII: Laughter is the Best Medicine
• Episode XIII: Running in Circles
• Episode XIV: Identify Yourself
• Episode XV: Wear Protection
• Episode XVI: Déjà Vu
• Episode XVII: In Which Nothing Interesting Happens
• Episode XVIII: In Which Nothing Interesting Happens to Someone Else
• Episode XIX: In Which Kaede is Fucking Retarded
• Episode XX: To the Dark Luminosity Challenged Realm!
• Episode XXI: Behold the King of Norway!
• Episode XXII: Onimusha

Foreword:

Capcom is up to its old tricks again. They'd already tried their hand at reproducing the success of Resident Evil by substituting 'zombies' for 'dinosaurs', to middling success. The creators of Survival Horror again took to their dastardly plans and this time rocked the very foundations of time itself.

The result was Onimusha: Warlords.


Onimusha was released in early 2001, less than a year after the launch of the Playstation 2 (with an upgraded port released on the Xbox as 'Genma Onimusha' coming a year later.) It has since spawned three sequels and a couple of spin-offs. The series has risen to the fourth highest selling franchise under the Capcom's belt with over 7 million unit sold. But, nobody cares about any of that.

Onimusha (meaning Oni Warrior) is basically an action oriented Resident Evil in feudal Japan. S.T.A.R.S. are now samurai. Zombies now carry katana swords. Mutants are now demonic in origin. And the comically inept Umbrella Corporation is replaced by an equally incompetent clan of demons. The series touts its use of many real world historical figures and events. But, it's use of said history is...questionable at best. As I'm sure we will come to find out.

So, that's about the sum of things. Enjoy...

Characters and Bosses:

I'm guessing about 99% of you, myself included, know jack about Japanese history and their funny moonspeak names. So, here's a nice little who's-who of the characters thus far, so you can keep track of this gripping narrative:


Samanosuke Akechi - The hero of the story. Locked in an eternal quest to obtain a new look.


Oda Nobunaga - Villainous warlord. Killed half way through the introduction cutscene. Resurrected by the end of the same FMV. Has a wicked awesome mustache.


Princess Yuki - Samanosuke's cousin. Prone to kidnapping. Last seen getting kidnapped.


Kaede - Wasn't informed bright orange wasn't within the realm of 'stealthy attire'. Has gotten on-board with the 'pants optional' part of the job. Involvement unknown.


Osric - Giant fatass demon who kidnapped Princess Yuki. Has a tendency to shove its crotch into the camera angle. Has a terrible voice actor.


Guildenstern - Evil demon scientist. Has tentacles that come out of the back of his head. Slightly below Ramon Salazar on the cheesy villain scale.


Tokichiro Kinoshita - Short. Ugly. Bald. May be a distant ancestor of Danny DeVito. Underling of Nobunaga. Likes 'em young.


Yumemaru: - Token little kid in horror setting. Has a god awful haircut. Tends to be captured and chased by people.


Marcellus - Doesn't say much. Though, still manages to be a bit of a windbag.


Stylado - Random evil clone of Samanosuke. Doesn't say much. Doesn't do much. Still scowls.


Hecuba - Giant insect demon. Transforms be forcing demonic body from vaginal region. Not making that up.


Fortinbras - King of Demons. Lives in a hallway. Likes to talk about himself. Has an entirely unconvincing voice.

Enemies:


Zombie Samurai - Samurai who are zombies. Not zombies who are samurai. That would be silly.


Three-Eyes - Ninja demons with three glowing eyes, not unlike that of nightvision goggles from Splinter Cell. Known to be terrible kidnappers.
Dark Spiders - Ninja demons with three glowing eyes and Voldo's weapon from Soul Caliber. May be using stealth camouflage. Remember to equip nightvision goggles.


Bazuu - Lizard dudes. Use axes and Sonic the Hedgehog spin-dash. Not edible.


Barabazuu - Axe wielding pig dudes. May be a distant relation of Ganondorf. Good with barbecue sauce.


Reynaldo - Tentacle rape monster. Name sounds like that of a Latin porn star. Face looks vaguely like Dr. Robotnik.


Gyaran - Floating cloud of demon skulls. Sucks souls, including those Samanosuke already collected. May be Japanese for 'big gaping asshole'.


Knight Zombie - Zombies' big brother. Like to stand around menacingly. May be fans of pro-wrestling.
Dark Armor Demons - Zombies' big brother's big brother. Like to block. Dislike thunder.

The hell are you still reading this section for? Go on! Get! And... Welcome back to the world of survival horror...