Onimusha: Warlords Part #1 - Episode I: A Good Joke

Part 1: Episode I: A Good Joke

Episode I: A Good Joke

I looked up what "Onimusha" means. It means "Oni Warrior"... Now I just have to figure out what an "Oni Warrior" is and I'm set. Oh well, let's get this party started.

Just imagine and ominous thundercrash in the distance. Since "Capcom" and "Survival Horror" uttered in the same breath brings nothing short of a dark omen. One which may or may not feature...

Bugs...

Calligraphy...

...AND SWEATY MEN!

Oh, and a little bit of the old ultra violence. We can't forget that.

In our featured title, Capcom tries its hand at crafting Survival Horror based on historic figures and events from feudal Japan. For instance, we begin in the summer of 1560, at the opening of the Battle of Okehazama.

Imagawa Yoshimoto and an army of around 25,000 have just marched into the territory of this fellow: Oda Nobunaga. I'm not much on Japanese history, but I'd imagine he was pretty pissed.

You don't sport a mustache that bitching and fail to ruin shit.

So, as I was saying, Capcom is drawing from its homeland's rich history for this title. For instance, there was a Battle of Okehazama in 1560 and Nobunaga was in it. And, therein ends the historical accuracy of the event. Now, let's sit back and watch Capcom's interpretation of the conflict. I'll go over the actual history in a moment.

"Dude, did you see Nobunaga's 'stache?"

"Did I?! I'd follow that man into hell."

"Oh shit... Bite your tongue!"

"What? Why?!"

Unfortunately, Nobs failed to mention to his troops they'd be using the controversial 'riding down a sheer cliff-face' battle strategy.

Perhaps he was trying to instill a false sense of security to the enemy, as his men tripped and tumbled down the hill.

Though, the enemy's tactic of standing around at the foot of a mountain with an adversary on the high ground... Eh... Not to armchair general but...it could use some work...

The results of both side's combat tactics were decidedly silly.

But, this battle isn't the focus of our tale. Hell, Nobunaga barely has a role. We, instead, turn our attention to the nearby mountain top.

A conscientious objector looks on.

You may think this a look of concern. But, no. Do not be fooled. This is our hero, Samanosuke. A man with a dark and mysterious past. A man cursed to forever walk the earth with an affliction most dire: he possesses only one facial expression.

Speaking of Nobunaga, it seems he is employing the highly unorthodox 'send a detachment of troops to fight some guy watching on a cliff' strategy.

This technique of establishing the hero is a badass has been phased out in villainy in recent years. Especially, during large scale battles. It's just not economically wise, what with the loss of cannon fodder manpower. It has since been replaced by the much more economically friendly 'have a building explode in slow motion as the hero walks away'.

Though, dramatic poses...

Those never go out of fashion.

Meanwhile, back in the battle.

This actually did happen. The man's head popped off like a bottle cap and Nobunaga was victorious. Getting back to real history: here's how things actually went. There was no huge open epic battle, Nobunaga's troops were only around 3,000 and used their knowledge of the land to mount a surprise attack. Imagawa's men were largely tired from the heat or piss drunk celebrating recent victories. Nobunaga's men wrecked the better part of the enemy's shit before they knew what hit them and Imagawa didn't know what the fuck until just before getting a haircut above the shoulders.

So, the appropriate reaction would be something along the lines of, "Holy shit, really?!"

Probably not this...

But, this Capcom we're dealing with. I'm fairly sure they're incapable of writing anything less than Saturday Morning Cartoon caliber villainy. Oh well, you keep on truckin'.

Or not... You gotta feel a wee bit silly from death by random arrow during a hardy supervillain laugh. Oh well, at least the 'stache is okay.

NOOOOOOO!!!

Capcom: The only company bold enough not only to shit all over its own series' canon, but that of actual history as well...

Well, that was fun. It's time for a new scene.

Our hero races across the picturesque countryside. Perpetual scowl in place. Gonzo sized nose cutting through the air like a bird's wings. Why the hurry? I'll tell you why.

Goddamn Sam Fisher is up to his old tricks.

His goal? Some chick that has probably gotten kidnapped three times this month alone.

Samanosuke rushes the gate and skips past the sentries. For the record, posting guards who can't see a guy, on horseback, coming down the road and visible for several paces, wearing shiny armor on a bright night and fail to stop him from running right by them... There might be a correlation between that and royalty kidnappings... Just a hunch.

He is, of course, too late. Perhaps rubbernecking at a battle on the way over here...probably not the best use of your time...

MAGNUM: The New Look by Samanosuke Akechi.

"Closing your eyes doesn't make it a new look."

"What?!"

"Just closing your eyes isn't a different facial expression."

"Who asked you? Who even are you?"

"A ninja."

"Wearing bright orange?!"

"I... Err... Look, I have a message for you..."

"...Your princess. She's in another castle."

The guy's going to just immediately rush off to the nearest demonic stronghold and start rumbling...only to find Yuki hadn't gone anywhere. She was just out back taking a monster shit. I want a damsel in distress story that ends like that.