Onimusha: Warlords Part #10 - Episode X: The Facts of Life

Part 10: Episode X: The Facts of Life

Episode 10: The Facts of Life

When last we left our hero, he was just about to have a battle on a rooftop with a suicidal demon knight. With that said, let's continue...

Right, then. Marcellus. Marcellus is probably the easiest boss in the game. He hits like a school bus careening downhill on slick ice and occupied by portly Swedish children. But, he also moves about as fast as the same bus going uphill with flat tires. In addition, it's possible to block every single attack he dishes out.

The only thing he has going for him is that he has a shield which more or less acts as an extra lifebar, as it must be destroyed before he can be defeated.

Luckily, the thing hemorrhages blue souls. Making Raizan's magic attack possible every few strikes, until the thing is destroyed.

Marcellus can also bust out a giant whirlwind attack which, strangely, Samanosuke can also block. That's right. Our hero can block wind. You don't even want to know what sort of training it takes to perfect that skill. I will let on it involves eels.

A thorough demon asskicking later...

"Here, at the end, I realize what's important in life. I realize the potential I have squandered on my countless days brooding while doing nothing of it."

"In the end, you never know what you have until it's all gone... gone..."

"Gooooooonhhhholyfuuuuuckshiiiiiiiiitttt!!"

And that is why we should always play Fox only, no items, Final Destination.

On the plus side, Marcellus was kind enough to detach the orb fastened to his gauntlet before taking a nosedive off the roof.

Thus giving Sam his third and final main weapon: the Shipuu.

The Shipuu is a dual bladed weapon, not unlike one wielded by the goofy hero from Chrono Cross. Of the three main blades, it is the fastest and has the longest combo. However, it is also the weakest and tougher enemies will shrug off attacks by it like they were slightly aggressive hits with a heavy pillow.

Shipuu's magic attack is identical to the one Marcellus pulls off - a giant whirlwind. Pretty much the only function it serves is if Sam is surrounded by enemies in an open area and needs some space. It's the weakest of the three magic attacks, as well. The base level version of it won't even be enough to kill zombies. And since this game primarily takes place in tight spaces...it won't be seeing a lot of use.

On the plus side, we can finally get around to saving Yumemaru. Joy of joys.

Sam heads into the newly unlocked storeroom.

"The first to pass out at the party... Oh man, kid... You're just asking for it.

Some time later...

"You're a jerk, Samanosuke."

<snort> "Heh. Come on, you know it had to be done. Don't tell me it isn't funny."

"Well, yeah. That doesn't make you any less of a jerk."

"Ssh! He's waking up! Don't say anything. Let's see how long it takes him to notice."

"That wasn't really the reaction I was looking for..."

Err... Did I miss a cutscene somewhere? How did we go from 'fuck off you're all trying to kill me!' to 'you're my only hope for saving my sister, brave hero'. It is just a tad bit of a sudden transition.

"Well... My word... As long as going all the way to the roof, fighting a demon warrior, freeing you, then carrying you halfway across the castle didn't allow enough time for the Dark Ceremony."

"Dark Ceremony?"

"Yes. You know, the one where they're planning to saw off your sister's head, hollow out her skull, and convert it into a grim chalice for an enemy warlord to partake in her blood."

"..."

"I'm sure we still have some time left, before that happens. Don't worry."

"..."

"Well... She... She found him crying alone, because his parents were killed in war, and she took him to..."

"Not that! That's the stupid backstory you gave me!"

"Other than living in her own residence, traveling the countryside bringing home stray children, and living a carefree life devoid of any responsibility. Other than that, she's shackled like the most forgotten of prisoners."

"Well... Actually... She just wanted me to carry her bags."

"Pardon?"

"She... She went to the market and had...you know... She had a bunch of bags. Then she found me and said she'd pay me if I carried her stuff. S-So... I went along with it. I guess."

"You actually tell people that story...?"

"Y-yeah... Why?"

"Cause it makes you sound like a pussy. Listen, boy. This is how it is."

"Boy, oh, I see you're sittin' out there all alone. Cryin' your eyes out cuz the woman that you love has gone. Oh, there's gonna be, there's gonna be a whole lot of trouble in your life. Oh, so listen to me, get up off your knees, cuz only the strong survive!"

_{"You're breaking character, cut it out!"}

"Crap. Sorry, I had the King in me for a second there."

"Samanosuke, I really don't think this is the time."

"Hey! You too. You need some goddamn schooling as much as he does. Ninja that can't jump... Honestly... You want to know what life is all about. I'll tell you."

Flashback sequence ho!

"It was more of having brigands tie me up and toss me on a boat setting sail for the mainland continent. But, you get the point..."

"Broke, unable to communicate with anyone, and just plain old fashion lost as fuck... That's how a real man sees the world. I don't even know where the hell I eventually ended up. I can, however, tell you a few things about it."

"Well met, outlander."

"What is with the fucking three foot crabs?!"

"We'll make a special trip for you. Same low price."

"And the goddamn bird lizard things? There's like eight of them just waiting outside."

"We're watching you...scum."

"Hey now, if they're some special part of your region, I mean no harm. Though, I will let you know I killed about sixteen, just to get here."

"You will suffer greatly!"

"Look, I'm real sorry. Can you just point me in the direction of the nearest port? I'd just need to go back home."

"Seen any...elves? HAHAHAHA!"

"I'm going to die out here..."

"Like, where do bears sleep? And why does everything taste like chicken? Chicken should be the only thing that tastes like chicken. It's mystifying."

"Umm... Samanosuke. You've just been using those herbs for healing purposes, correct?"

"Healing...?"

"Though, don't you dare share any of this country's beauty and secrets with those filthy gaijin or I swear to god I'll scalp you!"

"Just think if they all united and set their sights on something greater. Those dogs on the mainland... They will one day know the glory of Nippon, even if we have to beat it into them!"

Sam's rambling lecture of little point or focus is cut short by a completely unrelated event.

"Why have you interrupted my exposition?! What manner of demon are you?"

3D games in dire need of anti-aliasing make me smile.

"Princess who? What?"

Nui promptly faints.

"Princess Hat...? Are there multiple Princesses? Well, forget that. We're sticking with Yuki and that's final."

Well, to hell with this. I keep this up and I'll have a baseball team worth of dead wait soon. Crap... I'd better make an excuse.

"Though, what's the urgency? We've been sitting here listening to you the last ten minutes speak to us about your journeys."

"Didn't you hear? Princess Yuki is underground. I don't even know how that works. I need to get going. Stay here with the kid and extremely suspicious girl who just happened to have given us a lead."

"Undst-okay."

Education Station:

"Well, it's not like I know jack shit about history. I'm from 20XX. I don't even know what year I'm from! How am I supposed to carry an educational segment."

"And I do? I can't even keep my own series' canon straight for more than a single title. Did you even play Umbrella Chronicles? Even I think that was a goddamn mess and I had a starring role."

"Oh shit! The segment started."

"Crap! I'm not getting paid enough for this."

"Hey folks... I'm Dr. Albert Wily, as you well know. I'm afraid we are without an Education Station today as our historical 'expert' is still in the hospital. He's in serious condition. But, we're hoping he'll pull through..."

"So we can keep our jobs, at least..."

"We're over a third of the way through the game. How many Shakespeare references can there be left?"

"Enough to keep my hair slicked back for a good week, I hope."

"Glad you have your priorities. As a substitute for our wayward colleague, I had been working on a certain...project. I'd not intended to use it as a stand in but..."

"We're dying out here..."

"I feel we could have phrased that better but...yes. This is unpleasant. So, future slaves, I present to you our new historical consultant. Straight from the Wily Laboratory."