Part 14: Episode XIV: Identify Yourself

Episode XIV: Identify Yourself

When last we left our heroine, she'd had a fun romp through the same fucking area four times, just to open a gate. With that said, let's continue...


Beyond the barred gate, we find a building on fire. I'm not exactly sure as to why this particular room is on fire. No other room in the building is ablaze or even has smoke, for that matter... In any case, might as well get to work. We have a room at the end of the building straight ahead. One leading upstairs to the left and one downstairs to the right.

Let's see what's upstairs, first.


See. No smoke. Not even minor fire damage. Anyhow, another puzzle box presents itself.


Five moves to align eight numbers. Not a problem.

 - Middle square
- Right square x 2
- Left square x 2 


For besting the brain bender, Kaede gets her one and only weapon upgrade: The Sacred Knife.


I'm unsure why a sacred flaming ninja weapon would be stuck in an attic of a burning building. But, who am I to judge? The sacred blade has a large attack power upgrade from the standard knife. That is to say, it's almost on par with Sam's default sword. Almost.

On the bright side of things, it only takes a single combo to kill zombies!

Kaede goes to investigate the opposite end of the first floor.


One last pitstop before heading back underground for a spell. Another code book file!

Genbu

I err...somehow don't think we're getting by with context clues, if one of these puzzles pop-up...

Kaede heads downstairs.


Not much happening in the underground level, other than a handful of gooey tentacle thingers.


Which is strange, considering ya know...



...this is where they're stashing the Princess. The key to their entire plan... Unguarded beneath a burning building...


I didn't mention it before, since I wasn't wasting a screencap on a single unlocked door, but Kaede is also equipped with a 'Shinobi Kit'. Which is a fancy way of saying a 'lock pick'. Yes, they made the female character of a survival horror game a master of unlocking. Yes, they are making no attempt whatsoever to hide the fact this is just Resident Evil with samurai.


Wait... She knows the fucking ninja girl too?! I'm still clueless as to why there's a ninja about. Anyone care to fill me in?!


I didn't think so...


How does that even work? Did he find her on the street like a stray mutt? Is there some sort of ninja shelter where you can adopt ninja (after they've been properly spayed and/or neutered, of course).

Confused about this, I dug the instruction manual for this game out of the closet in search of answers. I discovered a few things. First of all, the game is supposed to take place an entire year after the Battle of Okehazama... You could have fooled me. Secondly, we get a few proper ages for characters:

Samanosuke - 24
Kaede - Ninja. Mystery.
Yuki - 19
Yumemaru - 12

And lastly, there is this informative blurb about our ninja girl:


So, for reasons unclear (remember: Ninja! Mystery!) ninja were sent to kill Samanosuke while he was off being a hippie hitchhiking across China or whatever the fuck that flashback was supposed to be. Kaede was specifically sent by her ninja clan to kill Sam and fucked up so badly that she ended up becoming his fucking partner?! How does that even WORK?!

The only thing I can imagine is that she was sneaking around, going in for the kill. Only to fall out of a tree, into a rushing river, and be attacked by alligators, at which point Samanosuke rescued her and she became his pet ninja or whatever. I'm grasping at straws, here.

Sigh... Back to the 'narrative'...


She doesn't even know the person she's supposed to be helping to rescue?! Is there any aspect of this girl that is not completely inept?!


"Also, not being imprisoned or being used as a sacrifice would be swell... But I really want to see the world."


Wait only now she's figuring out who this is? It took another ten seconds for the gears to click?!


Is it really the time to be lamenting over the life of nobility? Really? Right now? When your castle's entire staff is dead, hordes of demons are running amuck, and they're planning to use your head for a lager pint? You're going to do this now?


Kaede is a firm advocate of wandering vagrancy. How the hell can you be a traveling ninja, anyhow? Is there some special federal grant I'm unaware of? I don't think 'flipping and stabbing things' will get you passage on boats and such.


"Alright... You can go... I just need to open this... Darn it... This thing is a tough one. No worries. I'm a ninja. I can unlock this... I just gotta... This lock looks nothing like the one in the kit tutorial instructions... Why is there...? Almost. Alright..."


Yup. The solitary time Kaede's skills could actual come to some sort of use? Nothing but failure.


"Hey look, I found a napkin."
"A napkin? Where'd you get that?"
"I don't know... It just sort of appeared..."
"Is it a magic trick?"
"Not any I know. Hey, you're bleeding. Here."


"Err...that's alright."
"No, it's no problem."
"No, really. That's not necessary."
"Just a few more dabs and..."
"I'm trying to work here! Will you cut that out! This is hard enough as it is."


"Oh... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..."
"It's fine. I just need to concentrate. I'm not a master of unlocking."
"Oh... Sure... I didn't intend to bother you."
"Stupid lock... Never shoulda... Da..."





"It's just that it's going to mess up your make-up and..."
"Will you give it a rest!"


"But...you summoned him to come and save you... It's the only reason we're here in the first place... It took us a week to get here..."
"Oh, well... I just don't want to be a bother..."
"..."
"..."
"Just let me work..."


"Any minute now... Just hold up... Maybe if I jimmy it...?"




She just looked up a second ago... How in the blue hell did an eight foot tall demon with a skeleton cape and a shell for a head sneak up on her?!





_{"Please go away..."}


Guildenstern's interesting tactic of just sort of backing up into the shadows is interrupted by the goddamn Predator.


Oh, nevermind. False alarm... I am uncertain what this creature with the lovingly rendered ass is called. The only thing I can find is a Gamespot guide dubbing it a "volchiman" and other sources just copying and pasting from said guide. So... Volchiman it is...

This is literally the only enemy Kaede actually has to kill in her entire section. Luckily, it's a ridiculously easy mini-boss for one simple reason: it has no unblockable attacks. Unlikely Samanosuke, holding block with Kaede will guard against attacks from any direction, even ones she's not currently facing. Which is great, because this prick teleports literally every five seconds.

This is, for the most part, simply a battle of patience. The Volchiman has stealth camouflage, not unlike that of the Predator or Cyborg Ninja of Metal Gear Solid fame. But, it has one key difference from those two jokers: it's invincible while invisible. Say that five times fast.



As far as actual attacking goes, Vochiman has a few standard issue strikes. It's one noteworthy attack is a Xena: Warrior Princess-like boomerang disc it can lob at Kaede if she's too far for him to bother teleporting to her. Unfortunately, he only uses it when Kaede is, in fact, too far away to be hit by it.


Other than that, he has a teleport uppercut not unlike Reptile from Mortal Kombat II (Reptile has that move, right? The pallet swap ninja brigade gets confusing, after a time). Which is, again, easily blocked.


The only thing that is to be said is it just takes a while to take the thing down. The Sacred Knife has just enough attack power to knock the thing down after two or three strikes. If it falls to the floor, it immediately teleports again. If Kaede is too slow in between swings, it teleports. If she tries to use those awful throwing knives, it teleports. If she looks at it funny, it teleports.


Then again, I suppose it's fitting to have a fairly unfun mini-boss at the end of a fairly unfun sub-character section.


With the demon defeated, the barrier on the door dissolves. Allowing Kaede to escape and...I don't know...? Lose another character, maybe? It's happened three times now. That's not a good rap sheet.


No typo there. She says the entire line in a single breath, in half a second, and doesn't really pronounce 'him' properly. I dare say it may be the worst flubbed line yet.

Anyway...she has to tell who what? Didn't, as far as she knows, Samanosuke betray her? What's there to tell? The kidnapped Princess has been kidnapped!?

You know what...? Fuck it. Kaede's section comes to a close and so does this update.

Education Station:


"Welcome back. I'm Dr. Cyrus Norman."


"And I'm Dr. Wily. They know who we are. Why do we do this every time?"
"It's proper etiquette."
"Giving a hearty laugh of triumph before dropping a death dealing machine is proper etiquette. This is just redundant."
_{"As is your presence..."}
"I heard that, Norman! But, I'll let it slide if only because you are talking about ninjas today."
"Really...? Ehem. Today's topic of discussion will be the Iga ninja. The Iga-ryū were one of two primary school of ninja of the period, alongside the Kōga-ryū. It is unclear as to the exact year the school was formed. But, they originated, as the name suggests, from the Iga Province in the area around the towns of Ueno and Iga."
"They Iga ninja school in the Province of Iga in the town of Iga. At least it won't be hard to forget."
"Don't interrupt! I don't feel I need to go over what ninja training entails. Though, I am fairly certain the ability to jump upward of ten feet into the air is not among their regiment. Though there is nothing particularly relevant to the year our title takes place, the school did have a run-in with Oda Nobunaga in 1579. Nobunaga's son, Nobukatsu, attempted to overtake the Iga region in an ill-fated campaign which was repelled, partly to the Iga-ryū's efforts. To save face for the clan, Nobunaga would return two years later with an army of roughly 50,000 and overtake the region, slaughtering a great number of the Iga-ryū's members and their families in the process."
"I like this guy's style."


"Of one final note, probably the most well known figure associated with the Iga ninja was Hattori Hanzō."
"I used his steel to make a robot once. Meh... It's overrated."
<sigh> "I think that covers it. I'm going to cut this short before my blood pressure raises any further. Until next time."

Tune in Next Time For:


Evil Gates!


Evil Twin Battles!!


Evil Insect Vagina!!!

Bonus Content:

Yuki and Kaede: Prison Passion (High Level Bad Voice Acting Warning)