Part 16: Episode XVI: Déjà Vu

Episode XVI: Déjà Vu

When last we left our hero, he just witnessed the improper use of a vaginal region. Also, some gateway into hell erupted from beneath the castle. With that said, let's continue...


Have padlocks been invented yet? This game just needs a good, old fashion padlock. This shit is getting ridiculous.


Oh well, time to find a way to unlock that pesky demon gate. In other words, we're going to go completely revisit Kaede's section. Hurray...


Since we're now officially in the 'second half' of the game (even though it's more like the last third) several enemies have gotten an upgraded version. First up is the Dark Armor Demons (Read: Zombie Knight 2.0) These new and improved demons are much like their counterparts. Only, they're now ridiculously strong and have a much quicker attack and reach. To top things off, they're carrying a small shield they manage to utilize even while they're in the middle of attacking. Not someone you want to meet in a dark alley, to say the least.


As stated earlier, much of the castle is now inaccessible, thanks to the demon gate's entrance. The basement levels are completely out of reach, as is the third floor and up. So, until that barrier is destroyed, we're not going to be seeing a lot of this place. Might as well save, for old time's sake.


Unfortunately...things are not going to be as simple as that. The creepy little...cocoon man-thing...from earlier is now willing to talk to our hero.


"do not be afraid... I have information that may help. Hey, won't you go to the Dark Realm? There is no guarantee you will live, but if you do, great rewards await you."


"What are the words I am looking for here... Oh yes... GOOD GOD GET AWAY FROM ME!"


And with that he slides back into the ceiling. I'll cover the Dark Realm in a bit. It's not as dark as you may think.


What it is time for is to go solve some Code Box puzzles!

Oh, and thanks for putting the effort into changing the background, Capcom. That's the quality and attention to detail I come to love from you all.


What do we have here? Someone that's actually still alive? Wait... No! You fool! Don't step on the sand!


ANTLIONS!

Actually, these are "Hecubites". They are the spawn of Hecuba. Yes, these are the other thing that comes out of the bug bitch's netherregions... Yes, the implication of mantis crab creatures spawning from some sort of bee woman is...

...

Fuck you, Japan.

Anyhow, the Hecubites are extremely rare and not much to speak on. They're extremely quick on their feet and to the attack but their attack power is fairly middling. Other than that, they're only dangerous in numbers. Even then, they're only dangerous in numbers if there's another type of monster in the area, as they follow a strictly kung fu henchman attack pattern and politely wait until one falls before joining in.

Let's see what one of the last living red shirts has to say.


"...an ammunition warehouse at the back of the East garden in order to defeat it, but..."
"Well, what's the problem? The gate lock? The monsters destroyed that. We should be able to go now."
"Well, there is one other little obstacle..."




"Son of a bitch!"

Yes, behind the previously locked gate is...another locked gate with a fetch quest attached to it... I hate my life...


Therefore, I have created a spare sword for backup and have concealed it under the locked gate to the north of the keep."

Is that what they did back in feudal Japan? Instead of making a spare set of keys for a door, they made a goddamn spare four foot ornament sword?! Yet...they still do the equivalent of hiding it under a potted plant. Classy...

The corpse next to the obstacle has this to say...

"...I heard that Mr.Yoshitatsu's treasures are hidden behind a grand waterfall in the East garden."

Well, thanks. There is treasure behind a waterfall in an area you need treasure to access. That's a smooth security plan, there.


Alright, back to decoding puzzle boxes. Our first stop is back in the magic time before we were in this lousy castle.


Alright, that sounds easy enough. Subverted has been awkwardly used once in the script and it was said by the Ogres. That narrows it down. The Seiryu code book holds our answer, I believe...

Seiryu

Why the fuck are they making me tilt my head sideways? How long before they start dicking with people by putting files upside downs? Mirrored? Both? Both mirrored, upside down, and put through a German accent filter?

The clan (dot inside an incomplete box, YM no CA, boxy number 8, teepee) of (square crosshairs) Ogres (box with a dot, trident)


And there we have it. For our efforts, we get another yummy power jewel. One down, one to go.

The second one is back just before the Osric battle. Poor Osric. He thought he was so slick having captured someone. Now he's just buried in obscurity after almost every villain managed to capture someone important, at some point.


Oh, the Shrek Gauntlet.


We've already used the Seiryu and Byakko to solve a puzzle. Genbu is far too incomplete to be relevant. So maybe we can wing it with the Suzaku.


Not...seeing anything that resembles the word 'Shrek' in here... Or even Donkey... Must be lost in translation. I guess gauntlet of Ogres will have to do...

Gauntlet (cage, squigglie dealie) of (square crosshairs) Ogres (box with a dot, trident)


And there we have it. Another power jewel for Sam. I really hope he's...eating these things or absorbing them or whatever. Having a half dozen jewels, four code books, three huge magic orbs, a samurai sword, armor, a bow, quiver, and arrows, a handful of medical supplies, a soul sucking gauntlet, and a scowl has to weight a guy down.

Alright, with that little string taken care of, we can now advance further...into the same exact area Kaede had done twenty minutes ago...


Well, mostly. There were some areas she couldn't manage to access. But, before Sam can correct that lack of exploration, we have a new enemy. Or rather, a new enemy upgrade.

Meet the Dark Spiders. These are more or less Three-Eyes 2.0. They hit harder and leap around like they are slightly more hopped up on caffeine.


They are equipped with a new, broader weapon which looks amazingly similar to Voldo, of Soul Calibur and S&M fame. Dark Spiders have a few new attacks to their name. When locked into a combo, they can teleport out of danger. They can also turn invisible for no particular reason, since their eyes are still glowing and they're still leaping about making a ruckus while doing so.

At the very least, they're the first ninja like thing to actually wear ninja appropriate colors...

Sam heads inside.


Ever since Resident Evil 4, I've been wary of giant statues coming alive and chasing me down corridors. I'm also compelled to read any out of place items with writing on them and obsessively return statue heads to their rightful owners.

This room covers two out of three of those. So, it's not too bad.

Genbu

Sounds like they're trying to pitch a Matrix/Constantine cross-over film.


So, demons are invading, hell on earth and all that. One guy decides he might as well go looting before the castle is burnt to the ground and...he just takes a valuable statue's head. Not even the whole statue... Just the head... Even the looters in this damn area are lazy.


The head, of course, will undoubtedly open the gate that slams shut upon approach. Undoubtedly. There is no doubt in my mind. Switches? Levers? Pulleys? Cranks? Nonsense. A statue's head will only suffice.


One last thing before we depart: The Vision Staff. The Vision Staff allows Samanosuke to see the special Fluorite pieces I had mentioned earlier. By 'see them' I mean 'make them sparkle like every key item in Capcom gameplay history'. So, I suppose that's a step-up from invisible pixel hunts.

Samanosuke heads out and back to that damn save room Kaede went through about eight times.


One more trip on our journey. That lousy sword should be somewhere in this direction.

A short stroll later and...


"MOTHER OF GOD!"


"S&M bullmen!"


Despite the fact the game has never had more than one of these jerks in a room at a time, Capcom sees it fit to through three of them at us, along with their big papa. The Barabazuu all have unblockable attacks with huge reach. This would be probably a very difficult fight, were Samanosuke fighting fair.


But, then again, four against one isn't exactly fair. To even the playing field, the level three napalm inferno of Enryuu comes just a bit in handy. It doesn't outright kill the first three. But, one or two swipes after the fact, provided they aren't stabbed in the dick before they can get off the ground, ought to do the trick.


Now for the big daddy, Baguwassha. As you can tell from the screenshot, this guy is fucking huge. Just shy of as big as Osric was. Unfortunately, he could also probably benchpress Osric, since each and everyone of the monster's attacks are unblockable, knock Samanosuke off his feet, and hit like a train. He also has a reach that can cover about a quarter of the battlefield. Luckily, he moves about a single step every second, so staying away from it isn't too hard.


In addition, it lacks the ability to block, so magic attacks wreck its day. I chose to kill it with the wind attack. Since a giant bruiser being killed by a biting zephyr will sure to make it catch hell in the after life.


For our troubles, we get both the Statue Head...


...and the Decorated Sword. What happened to the good old days? The days were there was an area you need to go to and there was a giant fuck-off ogre camping in front of the door. Did there really need to be a paradigm shift from 'kill mini-boss, enter new area' to 'kill mini-boss, receive key item, retread the last ten minutes of area with newly spawned enemies, enter new area'.

Progress...

Education Station:


"Heh heh heh. Long time no see, Chri--audience. I am Albert Wesker. I'll be filling in for the usual pair today. We had to remove Dr. Norman from the premises before the section with the castle being gutted by an eight story tall demonic gate. I don't think heart attack by methodical molestation of historical structures is covered in the company's health care plan."


"Today I'll be discussing Hecuba. Hecuba is less of a reference to Hamlet and more of a reference to a reference in Hamlet. Hecuba was a queen in ancient Greek mythology who was married to the wife of King Priam of Troy. In Homer's the Iliad, she is the mother of such key characters as Hector, Cassandra, and Paris. If you're unfamiliar with the work, I have no words for you illiterate jackals. Her story is referenced briefly in Hamlet to draw a minor parallel between another event in the tale. But, to give a point of reference for a point of reference in order to illustrate a completely unrelated reference seems...time less than well spent. It is of note that, at no point, was she ever associated with bees coming out of her vaginal region. One of my coworkers once turned into a massive gelatinous vagina blob and I didn't bat an eye. This, however. This was a bit disturbing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to attend to a mutant with tentacle breasts. Good day."

Tune in Next Time For:


Light!


Darkness!!


A Long Endless Grind!!!

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