Part 2: Episode II: Why Ogres Lost the Election

Episode II: Why Ogres Lost the Election

When last we left our hero, he'd watched a battle for no particular reason, raced cross-country to save a Princess, and there was a ninja out of nowhere. With that said, let's continue...


"I thought about just leaving the castle. But, all the maids and servants were gone... I didn't want to go to all the trouble of packing."


You see all this here? The only thing about it you should be worrying about is how monsters can both eat people and still take their corpses underground. Or who would shoot the shit at the water cooler with royalty and try using the pick-up line, 'so, you heard about those cannibalistic monsters in the basement? If ya know what I'm sayin'.'


Judging by the fact Samanosuke was just goofing off watching a battle, I'd say he's a wandering samurai or some other such similar cliché. I'd have to imagine that having a courier sent out to find your vagrant cousin, one that has been gone for years on end, isn't the most effective way to prevent kidnapping and/or being devoured.


Meanwhile, Samanosuke and Ninja Girl set off to find the princess. Of course, they seem to have waited until sunset the next day. But, at least they eventually got around to it.


"One, we could go get her ourselves. Or two, we can send some guy that just showed up last night. I think the choice is fairly clear."


"Better known as Inaccessible NPC Way."


"Better known as Linear Hero's Path."


"What if they cut through the woods?"
"Cut through the...? You shut your goddamn mouth and start marching."


"..."

Kaede runs off.


"Understand? What did she understand? Was she going to make a threat and broke off? Or did she confuse her verbs? Who even was that?!"
"Look, guy. I don't even know who you are. Now, if you could rescue my boss, that'd be swell."
"Understand...?! Did she just forget to add a subject to the sentence?! How can you flub your second line out of two?! That's a 50% flubbed line ratio! I'd think better of ninja."

Baffled by the ninja's cryptic departing message, Samanosuke presses on.


And now we finally gain control of our hero and... the game has tank controls. Joy...


Ugh. And it's making me use the D-Pad for movement. We can't have any of that.


The game has Japanese and English audio options for cutscenes, which is a spiffy extra. Then again, Star Fox on the SNES worbale-warble dialog is better than some of the English dub in this game. There are also subtitles. Unfortunately, they're the crappy 'each line takes 2-3 screencaps' variety, so I'm doing the subtitles myself. I did it for the entire Resident Evil series... It won't pain me too much to do it here...

Now then, where's those control options...? Ah. Here we go.


Alright, then. Just a matter of swapping around to analog control. And...huh... That's funny... Where's the options?


Why do none of the buttons do anything...?


Why is there a 'Controls' option that doesn't do anything?!






FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!


I can't even remember the last action game I played with a D-pad exclusively for movement. Why would they do this?! Why? They re-released old Resident Evil titles just to give them analog controls. How could they not do it for a flagship title for a new series on an (at the time) next gen console?! Why?! WHY?!


I already hate this game.


Upon jogging a good twenty feet, Samanosuke is immediately attacked by the ninja demons that kidnapped Yuki in the intro.


Oh hey, it's Princess Yuki. After she disappeared, nobody bothered to look ten fucking yards away from her front door to find her.


Samanosuke immediate starts cleaning house on the world's most inept kidnappers. I mean, really. That's like kidnapping someone and camping out by their mailbox.


Unfortunately, Samanosuke finds his attacks woefully ineffective. Forcing him to fall back on my unorthodox means of attack.


Behold Le Tigre: The new look by Samanosuke Akechi.


The ninja flee from its majesty.


Meanwhile, Yuki has passed out for no apparent reason. I guess a harrowing 18 hours, trapped in your front yard, can take it out of a girl. Also, I'm sick of typing 'Samanosuke'. The man's name is 'Sam' until further notice.

Yuki awakens from her non-descript unconscious state.


"Of course, Yuki. I rushed here as fast as I could. I'm just glad I wasn't too late."
"I'm glad you got my letter in time."
"Indeed. How long ago did you send it? The courier said he had trouble locating me."
"Oh... I don't know. Three or four months ago."
"Come again...?"
"It was around the beginning of the year. There abouts."
"You do know it's the end of May...? And you've known you were in danger this whole time...?"
"Oh yes, how time flies."
"Look, cousin. I'm just going to choose to ignore that fact. Let's just get to what this was really about."


"There's a good girl."

A few minutes later.


"I know. The novella after the intro filled me in."


Yuki and Sam's reunion is cut short.


"MORTARS! Jerry's on the move!"

The ground erupts before the pair. Out emerges a low-level boss.


"'sup."


"'kay. See ya."
"Err... No. I was talking to the guy bug."
"Oh, no bother here."
"No, you don't get me. I kinda need you for the plot."
"Then what was the point of the ninja demons?"
"I... I... don't know, alright. Look, can we just get his over with?"


"Be my guest! Yaaah!"




"Tell me he's dead..."
"He's not dead..."
"I'm not dead."


"Nobody is ever civil with these things. It makes me feel much less guilty about doing this."
"Doing what?"



"Oh... Blargh."


Yuki almost proves to have a spine. But, the façade crumbles in about two-fifths of a second.


"So... I guess it's time to make with the kidnapping."
"It seems likely."
"Alright then, let's go."


I'd just like to thank Capcom for having the camera angle line up exactly with the monster's crotch. A class act, as always.


I'll give it to Sam. It takes a particularly resilient bastard to still be standing after getting hit with a spiked club with enough force to be knocked ten feet into a wall.


Err... Nevermind.


Well, he had a good run. Remember that time he scowled? That was great.


"You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance."


Sam awakens to a circle of gay. It's New Years of 1559 all over again.


One of the flamers take form before Sam. Ai ai ai!


"Uh... Cool... I guess..."


And you're entrusting your power to a guy that just got 1-shotted by a demon. There may be a correlation between these two events.


"Uh... Does it have to be the right hand...?"
"Yes, why?"
"Well... That hand gets used for things..."


"What manner of 'things' do you speak...?"
"Well...uhh... Private things... Things that I do behind locked doors."


"Ugh. Eww... It's non-negotiable. Have fun giving yourself the Stranger."


"How? I couldn't even hurt them before."
"With the power of your gauntlet."
"I wasn't smacking them upside the head. I was stabbing them. Repeatedly. With a very sharp sword. It did nothing."
"Look, I'm a big fucking flaming purple head. If I say you can kill demons, you can kill demons. Now go!"


"It may also cause heartburn. Super sorry."




"Oh, man. That was weird."


"What?!"


"No... No..."


"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"


"Oh, shit. You gotta jiggle it..."
"What did you do to me?!"
"Look, calm down. There's a switch on the edge of the gauntlet."


"What gauntlet?! It's a fucking flower! You bastards turned me into a furry! A FURRY! What the FUCK?!"
"Look, calm down. It should still be there. It's on the right side. Just jiggle it."
"I... I think I found it... Jiggle it which way...? I don't want to be like this."
"How should I know?! I don't have hands. Just whichever way it goes."
"I'm jiggling... Nothings happening! I'm jiggling and n-"




"-othing is happen...ing?"


"I've got some sort of parasitic, soul devouring gauntlet grafted onto my arm. But I'm not a furry... It's a good day to die."


"Now. I've just got to figure out what the hell this thing does... Useful, I mean..."

Tune in next time for:


Zombies!


Files!!


Soul Stealing!!!

Education Station:


"I'm Dr. Cyrus Norman, scholar of the Sengoku Period of Japanese history."


"I'm Dr. Albert Wily, world renowned genius, currently under employ of Capcom Co., Ltd...for now."

"We'll be here to discuss the historical accuracy of the narrative of Onimusha: Warlords."
"And why 'historical accuracy' is a load of bunk."
"Now, now. No need to fling mud."


"Today's topic of discussion is the death of Nobunaga Oda."
"His name is Oda Nobunaga."
"While the Japanese surname traditionally comes first, I'd like to keep things consistent for our audience."
"Good. Then you'll have no trouble calling him Oda Nobunaga."
"Why should I? You don't see me point out of discrepancy between his being presented as Oda Nobunaga while the hero is called 'Samanosuke Akechi". With Samanosuke being his first name."
"I don't argue with the script. You don't either, if you want to get paid."
"Oh, bugger off. Back to the subject."


"The introductory FMV depicts the death of Nobunaga Oda via a stray arrow at the Battle of Okehazama. This is a complete inaccuracy. In the wake of the battle, there was an inaccurate report during that battle claiming he felled in this way. In truth, Nobunaga's death was not for some 20 years later accredited to Seppuku due to the influence of Akechi Mitsuhide."
"Utter rubbish. He didn't die at that battle. Did you not watch the entire opening? He was fine and dandy at the end."
"Regardless, the scene depicted a mortal blow earlier on. How can you disclaim that?"


"Easy. He was resurrected by demons."
"Resurrected by de-that is utterly absurd! Ever more so than his premature death."
"Can you prove that he wasn't?"
"I beg your pardon!"
"Prove to me that he wasn't resurrected by demons."
"Demons do not exist, for one. It being a ridiculous notion for two."
"Ridiculous, is it? You can so easily dismiss the notion. You're American, correct? What if I were to claim one of your historical figures never existed as a demon."
"Excuse me?!"


"I bring forth the notion Abraham Lincoln never existed. He was just an illusion concocted by rogue members of your government."
"What?!"
"Can you prove to me this man existed?"
"Of course he existed. There's documentation... Photographic evidence. For God's sake he's on our currency."
"The penny, I might add. A universally loathed and disvalued unit of currency. Your evidence is lacking."
"This is madness!"
"So say you. If you cannot put forth sufficient evidence Abe Lincoln existed, I fail to see how you're qualified to prove Oda Nobunaga was not resurrected by demons. What say you to that?"
"I say this discussion is over!"


Bonus Content:

Yuki's Exposition
Kaede and Samanosuke Cutscene
Onimusha Gauntlet Cutscene