Part 20: Episode XX: To the Dark Luminosity Challenged Realm!

Episode XX: To the Dark Luminosity Challenged Realm!

When last we left our hero, he defeated the godawful Hecuba and her crotch of unpleasantness. Also, Kaede blew up the building for no particular reason. With that said, let's continue...


Well, it seems they both managed to swim back to shore and then pass out. Or perhaps lose consciousness and drift back to shore on the mighty arm of the...perfectly still lake... Or perhaps the explosion was so mighty, it launched them both 100 yards back to land.


Samanosuke, who barely managed to escape with his life, quickly regains consciousness.


Unfortunately, Kaede seems to have some unspecified head injury from the explosion she herself set off and is out for the count.


Maybe we'll get lucky and it'll be like Flowers for Algernon and she'll suddenly become a competent ninja...


Sam decides the best course of action is to haul her ass a quarter mile back to the room literally down the hall from the gateway to fucking hell. Huh...then again, maybe it wasn't that outlandish an idea.


"So I err...noticed you had a great arrow in your pocket and I err... I just couldn't resist..."


Kaede regains consciousness for a moment to give Samanosuke some indistinct moans of encouragement. Again, it's probably for the best.


"I've been given fashion accessories by purple faces underground. I got cloned. I saw a woman grow a second body out of her naughty bits. My cousin got kidnapped. My old house got trashed. There's been far too many tentacles worth mentioning. My partner tried to blow me up. But...that's not all... Now that prick Nobunaga is going to rub it in that I can't grow decent facial hair... Enough is enough!"


Thanks for reassuring the audience. Now, stop looking into the camera. It's creeping people out.


A ridiculously heroic orchestral music theme kicks in for Samanosuke's triumphant march...


...like two rooms down the hall. He's stopping a jerk from becoming an even bigger jerk while saving an orphan and a cousin. It's not like he's marching off to lead glorious Nippon to victory in World War 2. That won't be until at least Onimusha 6.


Sam takes one last scowl at the accursed gate.


I'm fairly sure this is the first time I've actually used a bow in the game.


The Great Arrow decides to set itself on fire. It just wasn't damn epic enough unless the weapon is ablaze with magical energy.



Unleash the obligatory slow-mo multi-angle shot!



I'd really just like a game where you go to these great lengths to obtain some magical tools with no real specification as to whether they're actually the particularly magical tools you need. Then, upon using them...absofuckinglutely nothing happens and the hero just feels completely retarded.


The game decides to just sidestep the issue of the large gap that's still an obstacle.


As well as a gigantic gate which is completely unlocked...negating the point of a giant gate in the first place. Sure, the big barrier thing was impressive and all but the demons couldn't even be bothered to prop a chair up against the thing or something?


Thus, Samanosuke enters the Dark Realm proper...which is still surprisingly well lit.


"Guildenstern!"
"You!"
"How...long have you been standing there...?"
"...A while now. You see..."
"Are you the doorman?"
"What?!"
"Why would you be standing around in here if you are not the doorman?"
"Err...well..."
"Don't you have that Dark Ceremony thing to attend to? That's kind of why I'm here..."
"I err... I'm not _invited..."
"Could you speak up? I was just in an explosion. My ears are still ringing."
"I'm not invited, alright?!"


"You just wanted me to say that, didn't you? That I have nothing better to do than stand here all day waiting for someone to come along? Huh? You think you've got it all figured out, don't you!? Well..."


"Then were are Yumemaru and Princess Yuki?"
"What?"
"Yumemaru and Yuki? Where are they? I'm here for them."
"They're further in."
"But you said..."
"I know what I said! Shut up! We make exceptions occasionally! But they're invitation only, alright?!"
"Guess you didn't make the cut, huh?"
"Do you think I-"



"Yeah? What about it?! Ready to settle this, demon?!"
"Err... Settle this...? W-What do you... How...?"
"You mean you're not a boss fight...?"
"Oh, heavens no!"
"Oh...well... Why the hell are you even here?"
"Uhh... Well, I had a surprise for you but I didn't think you'd be so chatty... Err..." <clears throat>


"Marcellus?!"
"Yes, insect. Behold the ultimate in my demo-"
"I already killed that guy!"
"Excuse me?!"
"Marcellus? Big guy. Ugly as sin? Had a sword and shield combo? Was kind of moody?"



"I'm just misunderstood, alright?"


"Yeah, him. I already killed him. He fell off the roof. My gauntlet absorbed his souls! I even got a new weapon out of the deal!"
"Yes well... This one is different... Better!"
"It's just painted red!"
"I like red..."
"Oh, shut up!"



"Wait, where are you going? You're not going to help? You said you were going to help. This guy already killed me once!"
"I just remembered I had a dinner appointment I'm dreadfully late for. Plus, I have to get dressed for the after-party for the Dark Ceremony. Hecuba's sister is going to be there. They say she's a fox."
"I hope she's already a fox when you meet her. You might be in for a nasty surprise, otherwise."
"I can't believe you're leaving me! You're just like my dad!"
"Tootles!"


"I hate my life."
"It's times like these I wish I had a real job..." <sigh>

Education Station:


"It's just that I was commissioned for several more sessions and nobody has called... And the checks have stop coming. I cancelled filming a documentary in Sengoku architecture for this project."


"What can I say? Things stopped being so historical. Maybe if you paced yourself instead of blowing your load all at once, we wouldn't be having this problem. It's like when I try to take over the world. Sure, I could just go and get the inevitable battle with Mega Man out of the way. But, no. I pace myself. I set out my themed henchmen to stir a ruckus while I bide my time in the limelight. The only one to blame is yourself, Norman."


"He's right. There's been no taunting of the villains. No maniacal laughter bouts? Not even a death trap or puzzle? How are you going to stretch the time if you don't include another of those elements? You're just being unreasonable."
"I'm not trying to be a super villain or any other kind of villain. I was here for a documentary educational role and I've had nothing to discuss for some time now. I feel like I've wasted my time with this whole project."
"Well, what about what happened to the castle?"
"Shut up, Glasses! We're not insured for that!"
"What happened to the castle? According to the timeframe of the game, little should have happened to Inabayama Castle."
"What about the eight story demon gate that smashed through it?"
"Stop it! We'll get sued!"
"I beg your pardon..."


"You had stepped out for a minute. It was a pretty important plot point."
"That... But... There wasn't... But... Historically... But... But..."
"Crap. I think he's having a seizure. Wesker, why would you do something like that?!"
"I'm a jerk. Should we bring out your robot too...?"
"Well, come to think of it that would be pretty funny and...wait, no! Dammit! That's a wrap for today and what may very well be the final session of the Education Station."
"It's madness! THE COLORS! Hurk!"
"I didn't know people could turn that color without the aid of genetic modification. Nifty."

Tune in Next Time For:


Palette Swaps!


Ultimate Weapons!!


The Lamest King of Hell Ever!!!

Bonus Content:

Passed Out Women and Heroic Music
Guildenstern's Final Appearance