Part 22: Episode XXII: Onimusha
Episode XXII: Onimusha
When last we left our hero, he was staring down the king of demons. With that said, let's finish this...
"'Ha'? That's it? What? Out of steam already?"
"I was just warming up."
"I am a being who does not take the color purple lightly."
Fortinbras proceeds to zap Yuki. Completely neglecting the child they were supposed to kill first for maximum sorrow potential or some other such rot. But, who am I to point out inconsistencies in this production, at this stage of the game?
"I love you thiiiiiiis much!"
"But uhh...not necessarily in that order..."
That Fortinbras has quite the snappy retort. And so begins the most generic final boss Capcom could possibly muster.
Giant claw strike? Check.
Lightning strikes which home in on the player or form predictable patterns? Check.
Fire breath? Check.
Laser beam eyes? Check.
Bending over to leave its big glowing weak point exposed, upon significant injury? Check.
Ultimate weapon being far more difficult to collect than the final boss itself proves to be? Check.
Likelihood it's not actually dead, despite ten minute battle, and will instead be vanquished in a deus ex machine during the closing FMV? High.
Unfortunately, the struggle with Fortinbras seems to have aged Samanosuke considerably. Such is the price to pay for...oh wait, we're just in a shoddy FMV. My mistake.
Kaede decides now that the battle is over, it's time for her to rush in to help.
"Thanks for the assist, by the way. I'm glad you've always got my back."
"No problem, Samanosuke." "I was being sarcastic..." "Understand." <sigh> "Let's just get the others and go before the place begins tumbling down around us..."
State of the art CGI circa 2000, folks...
"I knew you'd come to rescue me even though I told your friend not to come and rescue me but I'm so glad you rescued me anyway!"
"Don't think that kidnapping means our business arrangement is cancelled..."
I guess it's logical that presumably the entire dimension begins to fall apart as soon as the king of hell is defeated. It's one hell of a contingency plan.
"Oh, come on. It's totally not dead. It didn't even explode or burst into flames or anything." "Be that as it may, your largely unnecessary role is over. Come on, it's time to go!" "And yours...?" "I err... Crap..."
Samanosuke stops for a photo op.
"Provided, of course, you stop attempting to escape! Hahaha!"
"Samanosuke! What should I do? Should I distract him by getting kidnapped again? Would that help?!" "NO!"
And thus they do, in fact, ditch Samanosuke.
"..." "..." "..." "...I can't believe they actually left!" "Your friends are kind of jerks." "You don't say...?"
"Cherry... Kool...Ai...d..."
Little did Samanosuke know, coughing up some of his own wildly off colored blood was just the key...
...the key to greatness.
You know what they say about holding a firecracker in your hand?
They weren't fucking around with that shit.
Ladies and Gentlemen...
Presenting, for the Spring line-up...
The new look by Samanosuke Akechi:
Onimusha!
"My hand... My hand is no longer there! I am asymmetrical! I was previously not asymmetrical!"
Fortinbras forgets about his lightning attacks, laser eyes, and fire breath and decides to go hand to six foot glowing sword with Devil Trigger Samanosuke.
SSJ Samanosuke makes no active effort to thwart Fortinbras' latest attack. He just plants his sword down in front of him and lets the magic happen.
And by magic, I mean the King of Demons is stupid enough not only ram his hand into the business end of a giant sword.
But continue to do so and literally bisect his hand in the process for hopes of...
Err... Looking at the thing... I really don't think he knows where he's going with this maneuver either...
"I am Fortinbras! I am the King of Demons! I can see you! I see into your mind! I see into your heart! I see into your soul! I see..."
"Oh shit! Why did I think this was a good idea?!"
Yes, getting stabbed in the skull causes his eyeballs to pop out of his head like a serpentine Mr. Potato Head.
So ends the terrible reign of Fortinbras: King of the Fucking Moronic.
Nothing is worse than a hard night of partying and waking up the next morning in bed with the King of Demons' eyeball.
"...What the hell sort of ceremony is this? I was told there would be women, refreshments, and jugglers."
"My mustache is not amused."
"You there. Hairless buffoon. Grow some chesthair or put a shirt on; then tell me what the hell happened here." "...It's a long, very stupid story." "Oh...? Tell me, does your tale have a name...?" "Onimusha..."Education Station:
"So, what did you end up doing with the good doctor?"
"Eh, I propped him up in the corner. He's just muttering and rocking back and forth. I think he's in his happy place." "So, what do we do now?" "You just finish the last one of these dreadful little programs and I'll see if I can't get the robot up to snuff. If we swap him out, then it's just s simple matter of blowing up the building he's in and bam...no insurance woes." "It seems a bit excessive, don't you think?" "What would you suggest?" "Killing the entire town and surrounding country side via viral infection and as many self-destruct systems as I could drum up. But, that's just me." "Indeed... Just...get on with your presentation so we can get out of here." "Fine, fine."
"Today's final topic of discussion is the game's final reference to Hamlet - Fortinbras. The name 'Fortinbras' is French for 'strong-armed'. In the play, Fortinbras is the Prince of Norway after succeeding his father of the same name following his death in battle against Hamlet's father, the former king. His role is not the largest and is sometimes omitted from the play entirely. The backdrop of the play is a long-standing feud between the royal families of Denmark and Norway, with the threat of invasion by the Norwegian prince eminent. He makes a physical appearance in the final scene of the play. But, I'm sure spoiling that would mystify you rabble, so I'll spare you the bore." "Very interesting. Now, would you help me set things in motion."
"T-T-Take OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF Y-YouRRRRRR Your your glasses or Y-Y 0000101010011100010 CATCH A COLD!" "As much as I'd like to, Albert, I'm afraid I need to be off." "What? This is kind of important, here." "Oh, I'm sure it is. But, I have quite the busy schedule. Several appearances lined up, a few cameos, I'm sure my latest work will be going Greatest Hits in a few months. You understand, right? I'm sure you can pencil in the time to take care of it into your schedule." "Right... My schedule... Sure, fine. I'll see you around." "Until, next time. Heh heh heh." "Asshole. Tch... Right... My busy schedule..." <sigh> "Norman, you still with me?"
"I do so miss my mother's cooking..." "Eh... You'll pull through. Come on, let's go get a drink. First round's on me." "A-A-And all is SIIIIIILLLLLLLEEEEEEENNNNNNCCCCEEEE!"On the Epilogue...
If by 'friends' you mean 'Samanosuke and just fucking Samanosuke', then sure. As far as friends go, I do believe each and every one of them actively helped the demons' plans at some point.
So, ultimately a bunch of demons were killed, Samanosuke saves his cousin and some little jerk-off kid...but absolutely nothing else comes of it. Thanks, Capcom. I'm feeling particularly fulfilled right now.
"Other than when demons were involved, sacked Inabayama Castle, and killed a good chunk of the occupying army."Princess Yuki
"She was kidnapped no less than three times along the way and twice during her brief stay."
"She was captured by pirates the next day and never heard from again."Yumemaru
"Forgoing education, training, or any manner of life skills, he returned to Japan five years later and discovered life to be a harsh mistress. He died the following year a penniless drug addled street urchin."Kaede
"Her search entailed a week of standing in the woods yelling 'Samanosuke' until hear voice was hoarse. She abandoned her search thereafter."
And therein is the end of the saga of the worst ninja in history. She eventually died... The end. She is never once mentioned in the series again. Godspeed, you glorious beacon of incompetence. Godspeed.
Samanosuke Akechi
"And when they eventually found out what did, indeed, happen to him they universally made an ugly face and choose to forget about it. It was, indeed, quite silly."Some time later...
"Samaaaaaaaaaaaanoooooooooosukeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Samaaaaaaaaaaaannoooooooooosukeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Aaaaaaaarrrrrrreeeee yooooooooouuuuuuu thereeeeeeeeeee, Samaaaaaaaaaaaannoooooooooosukeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!" "..."
"Freedom at last..."
Bonus Content:
Fortinbras Pre-Fight Cutscene
The Epic Ending FMV (Warning: Cheesy as Hell)
The Epilogue Narration
Capcom had the balls to include a teaser for the sequel as a bonus.
In Closing...
Well, I do believe that is a wrap. I hope you all have learned something valuable out history from this LP...and then immediately forgotten it due to the sheer onslaught of retardation. If nothing, I hope you are all the more wary of strange woman going spread eagle without a monetary exchange beforehand.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I hear the siren call of liquor beckoning to me. I hope you ingrates enjoyed yourselves. Those showing their appreciation may send their thanks in form of check or money order.
The rest of you get out!
