Part 8: Episode VIII: The Goddamn Water Puzzle

Episode VIII: The Goddamn Water Puzzle

When last we left our hero, he encountered a child with a terrible hairdo and discovered his sidekick is one of the worst excuses for a ninja ever. With that said, let's continue...


Alright, then. Let's get down to business. I like how that whole conversation with a ten year old boy took place in front of an arrow stuck corpse. Anyhow, since there isn't much to see back the way we came, let's follow Kaede and Baldy.

Several corridors of zombies later.


After a bit, we come to a staircase leading up to the next floor. But first, the storeroom beneath has a few items of note.


Namely, a file and a puzzle box. Let's take a look at the file first.

Suzaku

I was a bit mistaken when I said there were four unique code books in the game. There are four unique books. It's just that you get them one page at a time and they're about five to six pages a pop. They did it. They finally went and did it. They found a way to combine the fetch quests with files. Those bastards...

Now, about that puzzle box.


Five moves to complete this easy one. The solution is:
  - Left square
- Right square once
- Left square once
- Right square twice 


For his troubles, Samanosuke gets another new weapon: The Bow.


The bow is useful if there is a slow enemy completely across the area or for the very rare occasions there are enemies out of reach (ie the soul stealing blob jerks.) That's about it. Otherwise, it's a fairly useless weapon.

Sam cannot block or use any magic while equipped with the bow. This is a game where if you're not attacking in battle, you're blocking. So, losing that ability makes the weapon just about completely useless in 99% of the game's battles. In addition, there's about a second lag between drawing an arrow and firing and about a second and a half between shots. Making it not exactly a speedy option either.


At Magic Mirrors, Sam can dump collected souls to convert standard arrows into fire arrows. These are err...about what you'd expect from something called a fire arrow. They do a bit more damage. And...that's about it... I'm not sure why souls are needed to light arrows on fire. But, it's best not to think too hard on Japanese reasoning .


Also in this room (well technically the room connected to this one on the next floor) is a final prize.


A power jewel. I know I mentioned it earlier, but these increase Sam's health. They taste vaguely like candy canes.

Heading to the second floor proper.


There is a bit of a crossroads on the limited access the second floor provides. As before, we're avoiding double loogie doors as long as we can. Besides, Sam will find his way back there soon enough.

Though, a more pressing concern is how the demons, armed with swords, axes, and spears, are causing all of this structural damage. Is there some sort of demonic artillery strikes I'm unaware of? Or was the castle just coming apart already and maintenance was put on the same level as investigating the cannibal moat.


The door opposite the demon spit leads back to the main hallway, where a pair of surviving soldiers are battling to the death...poorly...with zombies. You would probably assume this was a scripted chance to put the newfound bow to use, right? Well, sure. Trouble is, it's impossible to his the demon beneath the walkway on the upper left. Believe me, I tried. Hurray for prerendered backgrounds destroying depth perception.

A couple of less than noteworthy corridors and rooms, followed by a staircase to the third floor, later...


The third floor already, huh? That was quick. And, another file!

Byakko

Yet another code book. Damn... I just realized... It's a file, a fetch quest, and a word puzzle all in one. It's like they crammed every shitty gameplay mechanic of survival horror into one place. It's a beacon of evil...

Sam heads further into the castle... By like one whole room. Kaede immediately barges in behind him.


"No... I want you to hear the emphasis on that 'what'. This isn't cloak and fucking dagger! The boy isn't a secret agent for the enemy. I wanted you to find him for no reason other than a kid should be running around a monster filled castle. That's it! Nothing more! So, did you do that for me?"


"You didn't do that, then... You didn't find the kid. You went and read someone's diary then wrote a cliff-notes version of the boy's background. You are the single worst ninja I have ever encountered. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"


"She already has a fucking brother! How is this a shocking revelation?! How is this helping us at all? And how did you 'hear' this? Everyone is dead. Are you telling me you found someone, who was not the child you were after? Did you not only fail to find a ten year old, but failed so badly you found someone else?! You're about as useful as that lever in the middle of the hallway."


"How did you figure that out?"
"Figure what out."
"Why he was here?"
"Well...it's what I would do..."
"You're not ten... And you're armed... And you've got some sort of blinking demon gauntlet..."
"Ogre."
"What?!"
"It's an ogre gauntlet."
"...I'm not even going to ask how you ended up with that."
"It's for the best... It was kind of weird..."
"Anyway, I don't think the child had that objective in mind. Didn't he already live here?"
<shrug> "Yuki didn't live here... Even though she claims to have lived here and reference how there were bad things happening here. Eh... Who knows."
"Anyway..."


"You don't say? I thought the siege by flesh eating demons was just a tourist attraction. Look, this castle is just strange to begin with. Why do you think I skipped town in the first place?"
"I see... It is a bit unusual. What is up with that lever anyway?"
"Hell if I know. I've never been up he-"


"What did you do?!"
"I didn't do anything!"
"I've been half way across this place and nothing like this has happened until you showed up. I know you had a hand in this."
"I've been standing here talking to you the whole time."
"Well, there ya go!"


"I don't like the looks of this."
"We're trapped!"
"Of course we're trapped! I mean... There's a lever in the room with us. There's two of us. It's some kind of goofy puzzle. I know it!"


"But must we so quickly? I was planning on opening a bakery. We could sell croissants. We must e- Gah! What the...? No shit we must escape! Just close your trap and follow my lead."
"Understand."
"And stop just saying understand! I understand. Understood. Anything! Just not just that! Gah. Alright, let's get this over with."


Now we come to the dreaded puzzle gauntlet. Four rooms of deadly puzzles _{Though, you can only die in three of them... Well, two really. You have to be doing it on purpose here.}

The objective of this room: Use the levers to escape!


By yanking the first switch, the gate further into the room raises. Control now switches over to Kaede. I won't be going over Kaede's gameplay differences right now. She has a lengthy little section, later on. But, right now she has none of her weapons and abilities and is pretty much just a stand-in for another body.


Further in the room, there are two more levers. The one on the left raises the next gate, but closes the one Sam just opened. Or rather, there's nothing to keep it open for him to pass or Kaede to move forward. The lever on the right raises the same gate Sam is currently keeping open, allowing him to pass forward.


Now, Sam can hold open the left lever and allow Kaede to handle the next batch.


Further ahead, there are three more switches that can be toggled. Though, only two are useful. The one on the right raises the next gate over, bringing up the same problem as before. The one on the left keeps the current gate open, so Sam can pass. It also raises the cage over that item box in the corner.

What? The one in the middle?


It triggers an arrow down Kaede's backside. Thanks, Capcom. You're swell.

Kaede yanks the right lever.


Before continuing with the puzzle, let's see the bounty of that treasure box. It's the game's first armor upgrade: The Holy Armor.


I'm not sure why an ogre created suit of armor (that perfectly fits our hero) is stuffed in a trap filled corridor. Nor am I sure why a suit of armor made of gold would ward off thieves...  Actually, it prevents the Gyaran monsters from stealing souls from you gauntlet.  It also offers slightly better protection from attacks.

Let's try this bad boy on.


"Stylin'."
"Did... Did you just undress...?"
"I needed to see if it fit, didn't I? I can't just lug around a suit of armor in my back pocket!"
"You couldn't have walked around the corner to do it?"
"There's a gate there. How could I do that?"
"Maybe the whole thing could have waited until a point where we weren't trapped in the same room?"
"Someone could have stolen it before I got back. You need to learn to think. It only wards off thieves if you wear it."
"...Let's just finish this off."


Sam is now free to yank the right lever and open the way to the exit. Technically, I think you were supposed to have Kaede pull the switch next to the door (it holds the last gate open for Sam). But, just running out the exit ends the puzzle too.


The next room is on Doom 3 mode. Since flashlights have yet to be invented, Sam and Kaede are unable to see the exit. Even though it's clearly right in the corner over there.


"Don't worry. I got a handle on this one. Hiyaaaa! No sweat. Are you impressed?"
"Covered in melted wax is what I am..."


"Oh, hey! I found the door. Let's book Stop standing around or we'll never get out of here. And clean yourself up. All that white crap on you. People will talk."


The third room takes us to this little gem. This puzzle is randomized, just to make you have to blow a bit of extra time each time you fuck up the next puzzle. And you will likely fuck up the next puzzle at least once.

Basically, there are + and x blocks.


Stepping on the x blocks will trap Sam or Kaede and drop open blocks in a diagonal pattern. Beneath the whole puzzle is a spike pit, not unlike one found in Mortal Kombat.


+ blocks will, surprisingly, drop blocks horizontally and vertically from the square. If one character steps on a special block, the opposite on is freed. The object of the puzzle is to use Sam and Kaede and make it to the O block at the top of the puzzle. It's not too hard.


Though, stepping on a block which opens a tile beneath one of the previously trapped duo will result in a messy death by steel spike up the ass. Obviously, that's something to be avoided.


"This is no problem. Get to it."
"Huh?"
"You are a ninja, correct?"
"That's right."
"Ninja are known for their acrobatic skills and agility, right?"
"I suppose so. Yes."
"So, just jump past the marked blocks and we'll be done in no time."
"I... I don't think I can do that."
"What do you mean you can't do that? Don't say 'because it is cheating'. I make it a point not to hit women. But, at the rate you're going, I'm about ready to make an exception."
"No, it's not that."
"Then what is it?!"
"Well... You see... I... I can't jump."
"You can't..."
"I've got weak knees, you see."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...!"
"Owww!

A minute or two of goofy puzzling later.


"Don't say another word. Let's just go."


"You didn't say a word about the room with spikes for a floor and a bridge of mechanically operated trap doors rigged by tic-tac-toe symbols. But this room raises your eyebrow?!"
"Well, look at it. It doesn't look like the others."


"Crap. You had to open your mouth!"

Sam shoves Kaede out of the trap.


I like how the other two traps are specifically designed for two people to stumble upon or be fucked, yet have a chance to survive otherwise. But, this one is designed so if both people are walking at a steady pace, it will fail. But if both people linger for a moment, they die. This is interior design George Trevor wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.


"A door trapped me in while I was saving your ass. What do you think happened? You were there!"


"Did you miss the part where I was trapped? I think it was a key statement in our previous exchange."
"Well, did you try going back the way we came?"
"Back to what? The spike room? What am I going to do there? See if my new armor protects against three foot spikes through my forehead?! Besides, it's locked. Just find a way to open this thing before something..."


"...stupid happens. Damn it! Indoor plumbing hasn't even been invented yet! How did they even get water to the third floor?!"


"Because I had a lot of options for places to go. Just hurry it up. I'm going to rust!"


How will Kaede save Samanosuke? Perhaps be smashing or jamming the device pumping water into the room? Maybe stabbing a hole into the wooden pipe itself? Nope. We'll be doing something much, much stupider.


I put these panels in order and place a crest of the Saito clan in the center.

Welcome to the Water Puzzle. The point that probably a third of people who played this title gave up at. This is a sliding block puzzle. You may remember a sliding block puzzle from another Capcom game:



Now, I've read of a bunch of people having trouble with this silly little puzzle back in Resident Evil 4. You see this puzzle here? It's already completed. You just had to slide the left middle block into the center, then rotate the remaining pieces around the perimeter until things lined up.

This puzzle is slightly more complicated.


First of all, it's not already done for you. So, that makes it a bit more difficult right off the bat. It takes just shy of twenty moves to solve it in the most efficient way possible. Secondly...


It's timed. From the moment Kaede reads the little description blurb, she has exactly three minutes to solve the entire thing or else Samanosuke drowns. Also, one more thing. There are no continues my friend.

So, if you fail here you have to reload your game and redo the entire fucking puzzle gauntlet again. Including the two unskippable cutscenes... Just to get a second crack at it from square one.


If there was a storyboard for the progression of the game at any point, I'm assuming this part of the game was just a sequence of photos depicting the consumer getting railed up the ass over and over. It takes a special kind of development staff to actively set about creating a portion of the game that is not only completely lacking in fun. But one that also punishes the shit out of the player for not being quick enough at something that is completely set aside from the rest of the game.

Bravo, Capcom. As always, you're a class fucking act.

Here's the full solution to the puzzle in the least amount of moves that I've found:

  Try once. Fuck up. Die. Curse at your television set for making you do the whole fucking thing over again.
Load your game. Search desperately for a cutscene skip button. Fail to find one.
Fuck up again. Toss your controller. Open up GameFAQs.
Do the whole stupid ass puzzle sequence one more time.
Move the left horizontal block on the bottom as far right as it will go.
Move the left crest piece down to the bottom.
Move the vertical block adjacent to the left crest piece down to the bottom.
Move the two square blocks in the center of the puzzle as far left as they will go.
Move the horizontal block along the bottom (in the center) up as far as it will go.
Move the horizontal block along the bottom (against the right side) to the left and up underneath the other horizontal block.
Move the right crest piece down to the bottom.
Move the vertical block adjacent to the right crest piece down to the bottom.
Move the top horizontal block into the open space to the right.
Move the horizontal block in the center of the puzzle up one space.
Move the left crest piece and its adjacent vertical block as far right as they will go (against the other vertical block and right crest piece).
Move the two square blocks along the left side down to the bottom.
Move the horizontal block above the two square blocks down as far as it will go.
Move all four horizontal blocks along the top of the puzzle to the left as far as they will go. This will open a space against the right side at the top.
Move the vertical blocks separating the crest pieces up into the upper right corner of the puzzle.
Connect the crest pieces into the puzzle's center.  


"Maybe she had the right idea with that whole 'waiting to change clothes' thing..."


"I'm not sure how you not only unlocked the door, but made the water evaporate as well. All I know is I need a towel ASAP."

Sam dries off as the pair enter the next room.



In here, we find the master toggle to deactivate all the traps.


As well as lower a staircase to the fourth floor. Well, I'm glad that is all over. Now, what in the FUCK was that whole sequence about? It clearly wasn't demons that did it. Demon handiwork comes with slime, skeletons, and hammy voice actors. They just set aside the entire third floor of the castle for a death trap gauntlet...just to be jerks.

There's not even a vague attempt to justify it. It was a fully functional, occupied castle up until a day or two ago, with no other design oddities. Except for the third floor being subcontracted by fucking Acme Incorporated.


"That's it? Just 'fine'? You've nothing more to add?"
"I'm dripping water in places I didn't even know existed, at the moment. I'm not up for a big chat."
"Well... Alright then. Stay frosty."


_{"She's a woman, Samanosuke. It would be wrong to turn the traps back on. Just take a deep breath and head upstairs."}

Samanosuke heads up the new staircase and into the next update...

Education Station:


"I'm Dr. Albert Wily. Unfortunately, there will be no Education Station today. My compatriot seems to have collapsed due to viewing the last update. Something about a brain aneurism or a vicious raping of history or some other such rot. I'm sure he'll be back on his feet in no time...in some form, at least... In regards to today's session, I must say that was a terrible use of spiked floors. As a firm advocate of spike use in my floorplans and lair design, there's a time and place for spikes. Below floating, moving platforms? Sure. Along the sides of walkways made of slippery ice? Even better. Lining the bottom of floating, moving platforms made of ice? Excellent. But, spikes atop a puzzle? That's just nonsense!"

Tune in Next Time For:


Files!


Emblems!!


Rooftop Battles!!!

Bonus Content:

Enryuu Magic Demo
Awkward Exposition with Kaede
The Goddamn Water Puzzle
The Goddamn Water Puzzle Solved in 30 Seconds