Part 9: Episode IX: Jumper

Episode IX: Jumper

When last we left our hero, he'd just went through one of the shittiest puzzle sequences in survival horror history and all he got for his trouble was a trip to the fourth floor. With that said, let's continue...


The fourth of five floors is now open to our hero. That's almost the entire castle explored. Too bad there's a few underground floors and an extensive surrounding estate...


In any case, there's not a lot happening on floor number four, at the moment. A single ladder and door is found at the end of the corridor.


The door is locked with...now wait for it...an emblem!

If you're new to survival horror, emblems are synonymous with 'goofy ass non-key key'. If a family/clan/organization has any sort of crest or distinguishing symbol, you better damn well be sure you'll find a door locked by a wooden/metal/gold molding of said icon. If you're lucky, it'll be broken into multiple pieces and scattered about behind death traps.

Sam heads to the lower level.


The ladder leads down to a tight corridor wedged between the assorted puzzles and death traps the rest of the floor holds. The current ladder leads down another floor and there is a second ladder on the other end of the hall which also leads downward. Let's try out the one we're currently stationed at.


Ah. It's a storeroom only accessible by surviving the previous gauntlet of spike pits and drowning potential. Feudal Japan did not fuck around with hiding its porn rags.


In a related news story, our first emblem of the game is split in half. This does not bode well.

Sam heads back upstairs and down the ladder on the opposite end.


This opens up the world's most obvious secret door, right into the castle's war planning room. It's not even the same type of wood as the rest of the wall. Did anyone in this castle exert anything resembling effort for any single facet of everyday life?


The war planning room has a couple of trinkets.


First of all, the second half of the emblem is shoved in a box. Making this whole thing a minor three minute sidetrip for absolutely no reason. Secondly, a file! One written by none other than Guildenstern himself.

Red Book

Boy was his face red when he misplaced that book that told him how not to speak like he'd inhaled helium.


Yup. Alexander the Great? Genghis Khan? They're all backed by Japanese demons. I want you to just think that over for a minute.


What can I say? The fuckers love monkeys.

Sam tosses aside Guildenstern's ramblings and heads through the nearby door.


We're brought back out to the earlier first part of the second floor. One of the universally hapless soldiers is being attacked by zombies. Maybe he has a lead on...you know...anything.


"...lost them. To get to the upper room, we need two keys..."
"Hey, buddy. I'm her cousin. You keep the chastity belt talk to yourself!"
"No... I mean the actual upstairs. Like, of the castle."
"I'm more of a booty man than a tit captain."
"No, I mean the castle. The one you're standing in right now!"
"Eww... You're a sad, strange little man. Good day."

Sam leaves the pervert to his devices and heads back to the previously locked door.


I've always been curious how emblem locked doors worked. Especially smooth, round ones with nothing resembling a lock mechanism trigger. Are they pressure sensitive? Do they let out some sort of special frequency to undo the lock? Are there hidden cameras and one guy in a room of video screens, not unlike Colonel Sanders in the second Matrix film, undoes the lock once the appropriate emblem is in place? Someone needs to research this.


Sam is immediately assaulted by a cutscene.



Fucking demon ninja that go down in three hits can find this kid? That jag-off soldier back in the main hall saw him? And Kaede still is nowhere to be found? She really is the worst ninja ever.



You've got to respect a ninja that chooses to stand around for twenty minutes, until the hero shows up, just to make a speedy ninja exit. That takes integrity.

Samanosuke goes to pursue, but is quickly blocked by Tokichiro, who literally steps on screen like he was just slightly off camera the entire time.


"Where the hell did you come from?!"
"I was right over there."
"I saw the wide shot with the ninja and the boy. You were clearly not right over there!"
"Are you watching the widescreen version of the cutscene?"
"What?!"
"Are you in widescreen?"
"N-No... I don't think so."
"That is what you lose in Pan and Scan, my friend. That is what you lose..."


I said it earlier, but what you're looking at here becomes the main villain in the series, later on...


"We've got a great dental plan!"


Stabbing people in the face with a broadsword is the Akechi way of declining job offers. Also, a notarized letter of decline from the clan's accountant also works.


"It's a school night... He is going...to bed!"


"Err... I'm not. That's why I'm not taking your job offer. You're working for fucking demons! What next? The French? Have some standards, man."
"It's funny you should mention that..."


"As opposed to innocent people being slaughtered in meaningless squabbles for land between warring clans? At least someone is getting fed, here... I'm a humanitarian..."
"A humanitarian...?"
"Yes."
"For demons...?!"
"Well... Look, I don't know the proper term. Do I look like a damn dictionary? Do you know what a demon aid worker is called?!"
"Well... Not exactly..."
"Then, shut your smart mouth!"


"Demons obey Angels. Angels obey God. God obeys Adam West. Adam West is a man of the people. The circle of life is complete."


"Arrogant? I just told you I'm demons' bitch. How more humble could I get?"


"Well, thank God it's finally getting filled with something."
"Ha ha. That's a good one. I'll have to tell Nobunaga that."


"You do know she's just a lowly member of royalty that has absolutely no influence over the clan, right?"
"Well... She's a princess, isn't she? I mean... That sounds important..."
"When's the last time you heard of a princess running anything? Your answer had better not include any form of mushroom in its wording."
"Err... Well there is... How about... Err... _Shit...! "
"Anyway, what's the boy have to do with any of this? Is he to be sacrificed for your ceremony, as well?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what?!"
"What... You think I was joking before? Look at me? I'm not exactly a babe magnet."
"..."


Tokichiro evades and jumps right the fuck out of the hole in the wall.


"Hahahaaaaooooohshitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_{aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa}


"Until next time, Samanosuke! Hahahah!"


"I work for demons and my boss is going to crack open your cousin's skull and drink out of it to spark a good old fashion genocide."
"Oh, that Tokichiro. He's silly!"

There's a staircase to the top floor, further into the room. Of highlight along the way are:

Seiryu

A bit more of the Seiryu code book and it's accompliace, the Suzaku.

Suzaku:

Drink more ovaltine.


At the summit of the castle, we find not only a nice view, but more importantly, the kid we've been after seems to be in the area.


A short trip around the balcony reveals where he's being boxed up. Unfortunately, it's barred by a new, green demon loogie.



Rather than trying to calm and comfort a frightened imprisoned child by saying help is on the way, Samanosuke decides to just be an asshole and remain silent. I like the cut of your jib, Akechi.

Sam heads into the fifth floor proper.


Two more Seiryu code books, to finish off the series, are tucked away inside the main room.


It's like if a first grader did a book report on Samanosuke's story. How cute.


The back of the room hides a ladder to the roof (what, you don't have on in your house?) as well as a final Magic Mirror before the inevitable boss fight that is inherent with traveling to one's roof (my last one was with a rogue squirrel.)


Though, before we head up, I went ahead and upgraded Enryuu to Level 2. It now smashes things harder and that's about it. Weapon upgrade innovation at its finest.

Sam heads up to the rooftop.


What are we doing up here, again? I must have lost a bit of the plot. Was Yuki known for stargazing six stories up?


"Nobody will even care that I'm gone. Bunch of jerks. They'll be sorry. They'll all be sorry!"


"Woah. Hey, now. Guy! Calm down, now. You don't have to do this..."
"Who are you? What do you know?! You don't know me! You don't know what's it's like for me!"
"Look, guy. It can't be that bad. There's got to be a way you can keep on."
"How? I've got nothing left to live for. No girl will go near me. My 'friends' don't understand what I'm going through. It's always got to be a dick waving contest with them. I'm a freak."
"Look, you're young. Things will eventually look up. You've still got plenty of time."


"Young?! YOUNG?! I'm 428 years old! I haven't been young for four centuries. I haven't been with a girl in over four centuries! Do you know what that's like?!"
"Yeesh! You got to warn people before you go showing off that mug. That's a fire hazard."
"See! You're just the same as the rest of them! You don't care about me. You're like the rest of the demons. Oh! Marcellus! You're so big and mean. Go slay some humans for dinner. That's all they think I'm good for. Cause I'm a big guy I can bring some food home for their selfish asses!"


"That's all they ever think about! Eating! You know how sick I am of eating humans? They think I'm a freak because I want something more in my diet. You know what I had last month? Human. I've had human in every imaginable way you can have it fifty times over since I was a kid. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, human-kabobs, human creole, human gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple human, lemon human, coconut human, pepper human, human soup, human stew, human salad, human and potatoes, human burger, human sandwich. That- that's about it... For four hundred FUCKING YEARS that was it. I can't take it any more!"


"And now you?! You are going to judge me? An appetizer I puke out decades ago just because the taste was bland? Things may never get better... But I am NOT letting them get worse on account of some human! I've taken enough abuse for a lifetime. It's time to take a stand."


"Err... Ya know... Forget I said anything... Howabout you just go ahead and jump..."

Education Station:


"I'm Dr. Albert Wesker, filling in for the err...ill Dr. Norman today."


"And as you well know, puppets, I am Dr. Albert Wily."
"Today's subject will be the character Marcellus. If you haven't noticed the trend, this is yet another obscure reference to Hamlet. The character of Marcellus, much like Reynaldo, has a very role in the play. He is a sentry, along with another minor character, Bernardo, who first sees the ghost of the dead King Hamlet. He is best known for the line, 'something is rotten in the state of Denmark', if that triggers any bells. Which I'm sure it does not."
"Not even one. Well, at least the character demon knight monster referencing a guard is slightly more relevant than tentacle monstrosity being a reference to a court messenger..."
"I'll have to disagree with you there. While the use of Reynaldo is a less than...desirable...title for such a creature. Never underestimate the potential for tentacled mutations to come from any source. A messenger? A security official? Even a scientist. All are potential future tentacle beast candidates. You just need the right trigger."
"Err... Yeah... Remind me to use Sigma's computer next time my Internet craps out on me... I fear your bookmarks and page history may be the stuff of nightmares."
"Heh heh heh. Whatever do you mean...?"
"On that disturbing note, let's call this a wrap..."

Tune in Next Time For:


New Weapons!


New Damsels in Distress!!


New Ethnicities!!!

Bonus Content:

Tokichiro Returns Cutscene